Nicole's World

Week In Pop Culture

2012-01-27T11:00:00.000-06:00

It looks like fun being Suri Cruise.

I may be working on a scheme to convince Steven Tyler to let me stay at his Hawaiian pad.

Here's one more reason to love Melissa McCarthy.

How does Kim Kardashian keep getting acting jobs?

Brad Pitt hasn't quit helping New Orleans.

Even Armie Hammer knows those Texas cops and their drug charges are silly.

Russell Brand sounds like a jerk.

Russell Crowe is not happy about the Oscar nominations.

Drew Carey is no longer engaged.

I don't know what to say about these three ladies.

Wheel of Fortune sounds like a fun place to work!

Drew Barrymore is converting to Judaism.

Judging by Hangover 2, I'm not sure these paychecks are deserved for a Hangover 3.

Joan Rivers and Chelsea Handler aren't besties.

Rihanna is getting more tattoos.

Jeremy London is in trouble. Again.

I would sell my cat to buy tickets to this show if it happens.

Salma Hayek took her boobs out to the movies.

Here's Miley Cyrus reminding you parents she's not a role model.

Joan Rivers had more face work.

Lisa Rinna is writing a sex book. Yeah. Think about that.

Speaking of sex, guess who hasn't had any in 29 years.

Ben Stiller is behind an upcoming HBO show.

Halle Berry is having baby daddy drama.

I would love to have Jen Aniston's new house.

Kim Kardashian's booty seems to defy gravity - for now.

Demi Moore is "exhausted."

Cynthia Nixon shaved her head.

Bethenny Frankel's talk show is happening after all.

Mel Gibson had jury duty.

Melissa McCarthy could not be more lovable.

If you think TV needs more Roseanne, here you go.

Here's one way for Madonna to get people not to talk about her freaky arms.

The Oscar nominations were announced.

Cynthia Nixon says she chose to be gay.

Kanye West is still kind of a jerk.

Britney Spears' dad is no longer her decider.

Aretha Franklin has put the breaks on her wedding plans.

Rihanna's friends need to have an intervention.

For a fashion designer, Jessica Simpson hasn't learned how to dress her pregnant self in a cute way.

Tracy Morgan was taken to the hospital in Sundance.

I'm actually sad about Heidi Klum and Seal.

Bryce Dallas Howard has a baby girl.

Whitney Houston is in a new movie. That's a good thing, 'cause she's allegedly broke.

If Orlando Bloom can't make this retro-looking cell phone handpiece look good, then I won't get it (even though I kind of still want it).

William Shatner won't be peddling bargain vacations anymore.

I didn't like this Stephenie Meyer book, so I won't see the movie.

The surviving members of Three's Company had a reunion.

Blossom is pregnant.

Kobe Bryant's divorce was not cheap.

I still say Dane Cook is not funny. He's also a jerk.

Simon Cowell is single.

Rest in peace James Farentino.

And Robert Hegyes.

Happy Chinese New Year!

2012-01-23T09:30:00.000-06:00

It's the Year of The Dragon! Since I can't get you all dragons (believe me - I TRIED), I'm sending you all these cards.

Enjoy!

Week In Pop Culture

2012-01-20T11:00:00.000-06:00

This look is really not for anyone over the age of 8.

Eva Longoria is getting rid of all traces of Tony Parker.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have one heckuva home.

Kenny G. is getting divorced.

Kathy Griffin really wants people to look at her.

Here are some new rumors about Katy Perry.

Chuck Norris has a problem with The Expendables 2.

Jude Law should maybe just shave off his remaining hairs.

It's possible Twilight will never die.

Zoe Saldana is a heroine.

Katherine Heigl wants to return to Grey's Anatomy.

Sarah Drew has a new baby boy.

That Sex and The City prequel is coming to TV.

LOVE Florence! Also, she makes me look tan!

This is sure to have made the young girls dislike Selena Gomez a little more.

I don't get Jessica Simpson's sense of humor.

Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy in a movie together? Yes, please!

Ryan Seacrest is going to run his own (hopefully Kardashian-free) network.

We'll never officially know what happened to Friends.

I wouldn't read Josh Radnor's memoir even if he answers the whole How I Met Your Mother riddle.

No Bridesmaids II.

That Taylor Swift is one lovely (tall) young lady!

Mark Wahlberg needs to think before he says things like this. Then, he wouldn't have to apologize.

Someone should tell Piers Morgan no one cares who he doesn't want on his show.

If this Emma Thompson story doesn't make you stop running around your house naked, nothing will.

Cindy Crawford's daughter is now a model.

I don't care what these ads say, I don't believe Kate Hudson shops at Ann Taylor.

Ladies Love the new Grammy's host!

LeAnn Rimes has just cursed her marriage.

Heather Locklear may go to rehab.

Sean Penn is now an Ambassador to Haiti.

Jessica Capshaw is expecting her third baby.

Check out the famous dudes who walked the runway for Prada.

Elisabetta Canalis has fallen far, far away from the likes of George Clooney.

I like it better when Cameron Diaz tries a little harder.

Ricky Gervais says he'll never host the Golden Globes again (but I'm pretty sure he said that last year).

Michelle Williams didn't really need to do this. It's the kind of thing an actress without talent would do.

This happened last week, but if you're only getting pop culture information from this blog, this is brand new to you!

Joan Rivers is selling her incredible NYC apartment.

Did Bruce Jenner have more plastic surgery?

If you missed the Golden Globes, go here for a full recap.

I pretty much think Rihanna does this on the regular. Also, this is not a good idea.

Kelsey Grammer's new wife is pregnant.

Work It was rightly canceled.

Mena Suvari is getting divorced.

Gene Hackman was hit by a car.

Sinead O'Connor's marriage might be over again.

Paula Deen has diabetes.

Here's who won the Critic's Choice Awards. Here's who wore what there.

Rest in peace, Etta James.

Facebook Needs An Ad Monitor

2012-01-18T10:30:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've mentioned it, but I am super surprised Facebook still hasn't taken any steps to get out of the creeper business. I mean, they're all about knowing where I am and what I'm doing, but they can't monitor their ads?

I don't get this.

So, become a social worker and maybe put babies on a diet? Or do you take fat babies away from their parents? Or do you just apply to get financial aid, then figure out if social work is for you?

Because if you're looking for a job and are inspired by that Facebook ad, I'm gonna say you probably like to eat babies. Or want one of your own. Sad.

Here's another one I don't get.

Is this a mom? Is she scared of going back to school? Is she scared to have her picture taken because she kind of looks like a guy pretending to be a lady and it's daytime so you see her true colors?

Wouldn't the better picture for an ad be of a woman appearing to do homework while holding her baby? Like this.

See? All I did was do a Google image search for a woman doing homework while holding a baby. Facebook ad team, meet Google. It's magical!

Look, I really like a taco. But look at the size of that thing! It's actually bigger than the lady's head. I don't even think she's eager to eat it. She's just amazed her super large hands can hold it until someone finally snaps the picture.

Yes, things are bigger in Texas. Still... this is beyond ridiculous. It's dangerous! Tacos could be the new tasers! Throw one at an attacker and run!

I suppose if the point of the ads is to make me notice (but not click on them), then Facebook is doing it right. But if they want me to respect them, they're going to have a to try a ~~little~~ lot harder.

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Week In Pop Culture

2012-01-13T11:00:00.000-06:00

Anyone else want to squeeze the little cheeks of Harper Beckham?

Angelina Jolie cries.

Cameron Diaz might be a little bustier.

Here are some of the winners of the Critics Choice Awards.

Ashton Kutcher has a naked face.

Olivia Munn is naked. Again.

Heather Locklear is in the hospital.

This episode of 30 Rock sounds fun!

Kelly Osbourne should listen to her mom.

Katy Perry's dad stepped in IT.

I kind of believe Jennifer Lopez is giving her new boyfriend an allowance.

To see what the stars wore to the People's Choice Awards, click here.

I don't understand Justin Bieber.

Ashley Judd is going to be on TV.

Sinead O'Connor needs real help.

Halle Berry is engaged.

If you want to see Michael Douglas without a shirt, click here.

This news ALMOST makes me want to buy some Skechers.

Dolly Parton has a tattoo in a place where plenty of people are looking.

Show off is probably not the right phrase for 50 Cent.

James Cameron is making a Cirque du Soleil movie.

If AMC makes a Goodfellas show, I'll probably watch it.

Marc Anthony might be a real jerk.

It's beginning to sound like Patrick Dempsey might not be on Grey's Anatomy much longer.

One of the guys from Kid'N'Play is in some trouble.

Molly Sims is pregnant.

Chelsea Handler says she's cutting back on booze.

Justin Timberlake has a beard.

If I have to choose between actress Katie Holmes and model Katie Holmes, I'll go with the model.

Ricky Gervais is already making digs on celebs ahead of Sunday's Golden Globes.

Another "accidental" celeb nudey picture on Twitter.

I do not approve of Lindsay Lohan playing Elizabeth Taylor in a movie.

I can't wait for the return of Mad Men!

Nick Cannon is out of the hospital.

Evan Rachel Wood may be engaged.

Aaron Paul is engaged.

Jason Segel made one girl's internet dream come true.

Amy Poehler's boy is adorable!

This news makes me want to watch the Grammy Awards.

Now that Charlie Sheen says he's not crazy anymore, will people still watch him?

Brad Pitt is hurt.

Beyonce and Jay-Z's baby girl has a cool name.

Kathy Griffin has a new talk show.

That actress who sued IMDB for revealing her age should know she isn't not getting work because of her age, it's because she's done HORRIBLE movies.

Carrie Fisher might need to put on a little bit of weight. Or at least wear less makeup.

Steve Perry wants Journey to record some new music with him.

Betty White's 90th birthday party sounds fun!

Here's a good reason to watch the SAG Awards.

Kirstie Alley doesn't want a good-looking man.

Isaac Mizrahi is married.

Johnny Depp may be having relationship troubles.

The End of The Fortune Cookie?

2012-01-12T11:35:00.001-06:00

There is something about this simple cookie with its neat piece of white paper tucked inside that is almost the most exciting part about eating Chinese food. Maybe part of the fun is eating something salty, spicy and just greasy enough, then finishing off the meal with a tiny bit of near sweetness that makes it fun. But, lately, I've noticed these cookies aren't about fortunes like they used to be. They're more like a nice little pep talk from a stranger.

I've collected a few of these papers over the last few months (seriously - it was over time, not many consecutive nights of Chinese food) to illustrate my concern the cookie has become politically correct.

This is one I keep on my computer monitor at work. I do find it rings true - especially on the job. All that awful news out there could make a girl crazy (well, crazy to the point where she might be all weepy all the time and stop caring for personal hygiene - one of my biggest nightmares). So, we laugh. We have to. Or we cry. No one wants to see that on the news. OK, the people who do are just not well. I think most of them only read conspiracy theories on the Internet because they don't trust TV news.

This one is also on my office computer monitor. I would REALLY like to believe it's true, but I'm a realist. I know I live in a world where it seems cranky pants are almost always on sale. And they must be especially cheap because I see jerks on the regular - not all in the office.

This might be the first time I ever called a cookie a liar. I don't think life calms down until you die. Depending on how you die, it might not be all that calm. See? Cookies lie.

Really? Because I have, like, *this* much patience. EXAMPLE: When I go fishing, I quickly cast my line out, let it sit for about two seconds, reel it in, then repeat. Know something? I catch fish. In fact, I take great joy out of announcing, "GOT ONE!" every time - even when it's not a keeper. So, take that, patience!

Seriously, cookie? If I knew what new ideas were sitting around in my mind waiting to be found, I wouldn't spend so much time digging for my keys in my purse. If those new ideas are sitting in my brain, they only seem to rattle out when I have some chocolate. And I know when it's a good one because someone will tell me. Maybe I should start a "Nicole had a good idea" journal...

This time, the cookie did not lie. I actually received this one around the time I received word of my promotion - which I had to keep secret for months. Still, I wanted to think this also meant the "rewarding" part meant I'd win the lottery. Maybe that will still happen (NOTE TO SELF: must by lottery tickets to increase chances of winning).

Maybe my memory of a long-awaited event is hidden behind those new ideas, but I can't think of what event has had me on edge. But it will be good news. The cookie says so.

See? These things are all positive, feel-good messages. But they hardly hold the key to my future. I want the cookie to say something like, "Fairies will show up to clean your house for free" or "Elves will clean out your garage" instead of a vague hint at something good in my future. It's like someone sued a fortune cookie company because the little paper didn't come through so now they're afraid to be more committed to those words.

Sad. So sad, I don't even want to play those lucky numbers in the lottery because I don't believe there's any good luck in them.

Not sad enough to keep me from drowning my tears in a bucket of orange peel beef.

Week In Pop Culture

2012-01-06T11:00:00.000-06:00

Not many people can pull of casual attire as well as Halle Berry.

Sienna Miller is pregnant.

Horrible Bosses 2 is happening.

JC Chasez saved a baby.

Keri Russell has a new baby.

This girl asked out Jason Segel with a song on YouTube.

Justin Bieber got a new tattoo.

Cindy Crawford's face looks different. Like, Janice Dickinson different.

Drew Barrymore is engaged.

Adele has a new boyfriend.

Kanye West got a little wordy on Twitter.

Marc Anthony has a new girlfriend.

Jeremy Renner was in a bar fight.

Alex Rodriguez is dating a lady wrestler.

Martha Stewart has lost her talk show.

Cameron Diaz has cut off her hair.

Hugh Jackman already has his next Broadway gig lined up.

Paris Hilton makes me a bit ragey.

Sinead O'Connor is back with her husband.

Mario Lopez is engaged.

If this story is true, I won't see Bridesmaids 2.

It will be a sad day when David Beckham is no longer able to pose for these ads.

The new Celebrity Apprentice cast has been announced.

Nick Cannon is recovering from kidney failure.

Elton John wants Justin Timberlake to play him in a biopic. He may have to wait for JT's wedding to Jessica Biel.

It appears the Schwarzeneggers are back on. Or are they?

Rooney Mara looks great without that Dragon Tattoo!

Demi Moore's new role sounds like a stretch.

Johnny Weir is married.

I like that when Ryan Seacrest talks about the future, he doesn't mention Kardashians.

Salma Hayek will be knighted.

Steven Tyler in a mankini. Click at your own risk.

Aretha Franklin is engaged.

Paranormal Activity 4 is happening.

Ladies (and maybe gentleman?), here is the worst dressed man.

This is what happens when you lose a bet with Heidi Klum.

Are these two back together?

Kirstie Alley is on a mission.

Gwyneth Paltrow's hangover cure sounds a bit crazy.

LeBron James is engaged.

Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart have a new baby girl.

I hope this Rihanna story isn't true.

Either Kathie Lee Gifford is REALLY drunk on TV or she's clueless. Or both.

This is George Clooney trying to prank Alex Rodriguez.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced.

Lady Gaga has a boyfriend.

Rest in peace, Angelo Bowers.

January Movies

2012-01-02T11:46:00.002-06:00

The new year brings new movies - though some aren't exactly award-worthy. That's not my sole criteria for choosing a movie (I do appreciate a silly film every now and then). So, here are my thoughts on the movies out this month. As usual, I'll start with what I want to see.

The Iron Lady

I will basically see any Meryl Streep movie (even that It's Complicated movie, which - spoiler alert - was not really complicated). But Meryl Streep portraying an actual person is ALWAYS a win. I don't even care if it's historically accurate. I will see it and love it. And I will root for Meryl to win another Oscar. You heard it here first.

Haywire

I normally wouldn't be interested in these kind of spy movies. I mean, how can the CIA allow these movies to keep happening? Every one of these movies makes the agency look like the worst employer ever - constantly turning on its people, forcing them to go on the run and defend themselves. Who wants to work for those people? But this movie is directed by Steven Soderbergh, so I'll check it out.

Coriolanus

Once I get past the fact that this has the word "anus" in the title, I see that it has the potential to have hunky dudes without shirts. Sign me up!

The Grey

I won't rush the theater for this, but I will watch it at home and be even more afraid of something bad happening to me and seeing my cat eat me (the dog would NEVER do that).

Albert Nobbs

Glenn Close as a man? Why not?

What I'll Skip:

The Devil Inside - I am seriously afraid to watch these exorcism movies. It's not that they're gross or unbelievable. It's that I'm afraid the real spirits that possess people are looking for new bodies to rent and that they find those people when they watch these movies. So, no.
Beneath The Darkness - Oh, Dennis Quaid! I liked it better when you were doing movies that weren't headed straight for DVD release!
Contraband - This is yet another Mark Whalberg movie where he plays the guy who used to be bad, is now good and is forced to do one more bad thing to make things right. Blah.
Joyful Noise - I have a few things to point out about this movie: 1) This will be noisy, but not quite joyful at all times; 2) There's no way this becomes a blockbuster hit; 3) It will probably have a sequel; 4) This movie should be rated DDDD for all that boobage happening in this film.
The Divide - No.
Loosies - If I'm not mistaken, this is actually an episode of How I Met Your Mother.
Underworld: Awakening - I am happy Charlize Theron has found non-modeling work again, but I absolutely will not see this.
One For The Money - I wouldn't see this even if Katherine Heigl wasn't the lead.
Man on a Ledge - This sounds like something you'd see on the new Hawaii 5-O.

You can follow me on Twitter here.

2011: I Read A LOT!

2012-01-01T15:00:00.000-06:00

Last year, I thought I was doing good to read 16 books. This year, I originally set a goal of 20 books for 2011. I blew past that.

Thanks to Goodreads, I set a goal and had to reset it, still topping my original goal. Technically, I read 29.5 books (more on that later). And of those books, there were 14 that I would recommend. Because I know you're dying to know which books you should read so we can talk about them later, here are those 15:

The Most Beautiful Walk in The World
I wrote about this book when I finished it in May. It is THE book I recommend to anyone going to Paris (not just because I want you to buy one of those big trunks and stuff me in it when you go).

This book makes me want to just go to Paris and walk around. Maybe forever.

However, since I have pets, a mortgage and no income other than my job (which most certainly would not pay me to do pursue this dream), I must go back to dreaming about the day I can take this trip.

Note: if you'd like to donate to the "Send Nicole to Paris Fund," please send me an email. Donations are not tax-deductible, but they will score you a souvenir as proof that I used your money for something nice (not just wine and cheese).

Decoded
If you thought I added this book because Oprah called it one of her favorite things, punch yourself in the face now.

I happen to like Jay-Z's music. And while he rhymes about telling his life through rap, this book doesn't repeat the stories he's sold. It shows his absolute brilliance.

Every lyric has its own meaning - often not what you hear the first, second or even third time. Take a glance at a track list and you won't truly understand that what he's doing is pure poetry. They are stories that need to be told. They are stories that deserve hearing. If you don't like rap, you can still appreciate this book. You may not bump to it in the car after reading, but you'll appreciate that what he's doing nothing short of amazing.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks
Not even in school did I read a science story that made me want to sit up and take note. But this book rattled my brain!

I was intrigued by the photo of this woman I had never heard of. Then, once I realized how medicine operated back in the 1950s and that doctors didn't exactly feel like they had to tell patients what they were doing, I couldn't stop reading. What these doctors and scientists did in taking Henrietta's DNA wasn't right, but it changed - and continues to change - the medical world forever.

I do feel sorry for her family in that they were never compensated for Henrietta's apparent unknowing contribution while pharmaceutical companies had made ridiculous amounts of money. But, that didn't distract me from this story. It was true science told as well as any fictional novel I've read. In fact, the truth was so interesting, it could have been made up and I'd still tell you what happened was real.

Love is a Mix Tape
There are few things I love more than books. Music is one of them.

Rob Sheffield puts them together in such a wonderful way, it's a good thing he works for Rolling Stone. This book is one of two memoirs he told with the help of music. SPOILER ALERT: this book is about the life and death of his wife, so don't read if that stuff bothers you.

If you're even partially aware of music, you know that some songs bring back specific memories of a time in your life. And for the rest of your life, you will think of that time when that song plays. One of my musical memories: every time I hear Guns 'N Roses' Welcome To The Jungle, I remember when a homeless man jumped in front of my car. I can't think of the year off the top of my head, but I know that if I'm driving and that song comes on, I am seriously afraid a jerky homeless dude is going to force me to hit him with my car.

I read Sheffield's other book. I liked it, but I didn't love it as much as this one.

Just Kids
I'm still not sure why I picked up this book. I am glad I did.

I haven't been a huge Patti Smith fan, but there was something about the picture on the cover of this book that made me think she had a great story to tell. Where else could a songwriter get such great material from? Magazines? Movies?

Nope.

Real life.

Patti's life is fascinating! I mean, who can live in New York City without money as long as she did? Sure, it was the 1970s and things were different (and definitely cheaper), but she did things her way. Always. Learn from that, girls. Learn. From. That.

Furious Love
One more lesson, girls: If you want to do marriage over and over again and wear lots of diamonds, don't let Kim Kardashian be your role model. Aim higher! Elizabeth Taylor would never let you be fooled by the rocks that she's got. She never wanted to be mistaken for any "girl" from the block.

She loved men and jewelry - though after reading this, I'm not sure what she loved more. Also, she loved booze and pills, but that love affair was not consistent.

Her fiery relationship with Richard Burton was what put the paparazzi on the payroll for magazines (and now bloggers and websites). They were better than any reality show because what was shared by the couple - carefully chosen to protect their image. Buy this for the story, but also the pictures. And if you were lucky enough to scoop up her jewels, can I borrow them?

Blood, Bones & Butter
I am not what some would call an adventurous diner. I must know what I'm eating. Sometimes, I need to know how it was cooked. Sometimes, I need to know where the food came from (particularly meat).

This book hooked me from the beginning with a story about a goat roasted over an open fire - and I'm not even really fond of goat anything (except miniature goats which I find adorable but not in a "need that on my dinner plate" kind of way)!

Gabrielle Hamilton makes me think chefs aren't that different from comedians and strippers who seem to have some sort of messed up childhood, struggle to make ends meet, then make one big hit that changes their worlds forever.

She also made me VERY hungry and a little more curious about food. So, let's go out to eat and you order the strange things on the menu so I can have a bite while I order the chicken.

Once Upon a River
I was told this book was like a modern-day Huck Finn. However, it's been so long since I've read that, I can't tell you.

To tell the truth, I read most of this book while I was waiting to not be selected to serve on a jury (that seriously made me sad). I was also a little distracted by the people who full on napped and snored while sitting in the room with me.

If this book isn't made into a movie some day, I'd be surprised and perhaps a little disappointed. Having just recently seen (and never read) The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, I believe this sort of tortured girl who finds her way to be the kind of story Hollywood pees its pants over. You know, when it's not trying to remake some sitcom given a new life on Nick At Nite.

Before I Go To Sleep
If you read only one book told from the perspective of someone struggling with memory loss, this is the book!

There was at least one other fiction book with a similar story line (Turn of Mind wasn't nearly as good). But this one - I read it in a matter of days. I even skipped television (mostly) while I worked to figure out what caused this woman's memory to go blank.

I have to say, this memory loss thing is my fear. When I walk into a parking lot and can't remember where I parked, I have a panic that is so this could be why I'm fascinated by this thriller. It could also be that it's so well written, that I found myself shouting at the pages, like I could protect people from the outcome. I do this at movies (usually at home, rarely in the theater), but, sadly, it never changes the result.

Swamplandia!
This book made me not want to go to the swamps of Florida. It did make me wonder about parents who abandon their kids to go off and bring in an income for their families - forcing kids to raise themselves.

It truly is a wonder kids don't turn into wolves. And I don't know why Child Protective Services never seems to get involved in these stories. Guess that's be too sad?

Still, this girl's journey and being forced to raise herself was worth reading. I mean it. Even if it did make my hair swell with the humidity that seemed to drift off the pages.

It's not every book that comes *this* close to making you want to get in the water with gators (they're gators in Florida, not crocs, right? I get those confused). But don't try this unless you've been training - or the gators are really old and missing all their teeth. Even then, they could probably get you with the death roll.

Celebrity Memoirs
Yes, I learned six things from Tina Fey. I also learned a few things about and from Mindy Kaling. But the memoir that I surprisingly L-O-V-E-D was Rob Lowe's!

Let's start with the cover. I don't know if he sold his soul to keep his youth, but Rob Lowe is as handsome now as he was when I first saw him in The Outsiders! Sure, this book is stories about movies and the people in them (as well as those who make the movies). But it really is kind of cool to read those stories from a living actor who no doubt will have a second book when he might look just a year or two older than he looks here.

Plus, this book confirmed my thoughts about Tom Cruise. It also doesn't glance over the bad things that have happened in his life. It is also a book that makes Rob seem totally appreciative of how things are now. What the heck is wrong with that?

What I Didn't Finish
The Passage. I tried. I REALLY did. I made it about halfway through this +800 page book. Then, I realized I didn't care what happened to the characters or the planet. Since it's the first book in a trilogy, I figured I shouldn't torture myself to see how this one ends. If I had, I would have been forced to go through with the rest of the books and hate myself. Seriously - that book was ridiculously long. And I bought the hardcover version before my parents gave me a Nook for Christmas in 2010. Lugging around that beast was a chore. Just like trying to read it.

What's Next?

Don't let this stack of books on my nightstand fool you! There are six books there (two in my Nook - that's in the green case). One of the books on my Nook is 1Q84. That book is +900 pages. I hope it's good! The other book on the Nook is Domestic Violets. I've actually just started that one. I hope to finish it in the next few days.

I think I will set my goal for 2012 at 25 books. Perfectly reasonable. I just hope I'm lucky enough to have at least half of the books I read be worth recommending!

PS - If you want some of the books I've read (I'm keeping the ones I loved), they're available on Bookcrossing. I'm Nicole_Perez.

Week In Pop Culture

2011-12-30T11:00:00.000-06:00

Beyonce may have had her baby.

Not surprised Elle MacPherson is still rocking a bikini.

Maria Menounos totally works out.

Kelly Clarkson is endorsing a GOP candidate for president.

Wynonna Judd is engaged.

Here's Hollywood's newest couple. Allegedly.

Chris Brown is being allowed to perform at the Grammy's.

Now we know why Debra Messing's marriage is kaput.

Here's Anjelica Huston in a bathing suit.

I don't know what to think about Sylvester Stallone.

Ryan Reynolds met Blake Lively's family.

Steven Tyler is engaged.

This looks like an interesting double date crew.

Mischa Barton is either enjoying some sun or hoping to be cast as a vampire on True Blood.

Kristen Wiig may have a new boyfriend.

Lady Gaga's ex-assistant is suing her.

Love seeing a couple of funny ladies out for a stroll!

I have never heard anyone say a bad thing about Will Smith. Until now.

Madonna needs some style tips from her daughter.

Daniel Craig seems a bit angry these days.

John Legend is engaged.

Sinead O'Connor's marriage is already over.

Do we REALLY need a sequel to Pineapple Express?

Of COURSE Dolly Parton's memoir is going to be a Broadway musical!

Katy Perry needs a more supportive bikini top. And she may be having marriage problems.

Robin Thicke is sharing too much information.

Nelly has one heckuva credit card bill to pay.

Look, Mariah Carey. We get it. You lost weight.

Hugh Hefner and one of his exes are in a battle over a dog.

Matthew McConaughey is engaged.

Demi Lovato let Disney know she doesn't find eating disorder jokes funny.

Maria Shriver may be reconsidering her split from Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Mel Gibson's ex-wife hit the jackpot!

This may have been a booty Tweet from Jason Segel. But he says it wasn't.

Robert DeNiro has a new baby girl.

Liam Neeson pulled a Fergie.

Rest in peace, Cheetah.

And Pedro Armendariz, Jr.

Happy Kwanzaa!

2011-12-26T10:37:00.000-06:00

These cards express how I feel about this holiday. Kind of.

And of all the Kwanzaa things out there (didn't do the Googling to see if there are really THAT many), this is my favorite. It's NSFW or around kids, so press play with caution.

On The Twelfth Day of Tweepmas...

2011-12-25T11:30:00.000-06:00

Twitter brought to me...

WEIRD AL YANKOVIC!

Yes, he's still making music. See?

Since this is the last day of Tweepmas, I'm giving you the twelve things I learned from his Tweets.

Yeah, so why do we still have nerds look like that on TV and in movies? I think the current nerd tell is fancy car and hot girlfriend. You know, because nerds are rich. They're also hiring the people who made fun of them. Maybe Beyonce was wrong? It's nerds, not girls, who rule the world?

Looks like a store clerk was having fun stocking the shelves!

That's better than dying in a the hands of a surgeon cutting for the very first time.

I can see how this would be a tough choice, but I think the tomato soup probably has less aftertaste.

I don't know what this episode of Modern Family is about, but if there's not an Al and Cam musical bit, I might be disappointed. Unless they're both clowns.

Also wrong: having The Passion of The Christ next to Purple Rain.

I'm kind of impressed that he's been holding onto those discs all this time! I suppose it's possible that's some random photo found on the internet. I don't even know how you could use one of those discs now. Are they recyclable? Maybe AOL shouldn't have spent all that money mailing those things. They might still be a player on the interwebs.

If they knew how delicious deep fried Twinkies were, they'd be on board and start sharing them with their friends who are too afraid to come to our planet!

This is how we die. At least it will be delicious.

Considering the other allegations against Herman Cain, this might be the better deal.

Really? I thought they hated us for those bratty reality shows (looking at you Jersey Shore)!

Hmm. Is that why their burgers are so delicious? Nope. Can't do that. It's Christmas!

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Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T08:00:00.000-06:00

I have either gotten up early to open presents and was disappointed my family was not up yet, so I put this post together - OR I did it before hand and set it on a timer. You'll never know! Still, I want to wish you all a very merry Christmas!

Thanks for checking out my blog! Now, if you want to give me a gift, click one of the boxes at the bottom of the post or write in the comments so I know you were here!

On The Eleventh Day of Tweepmas...

2011-12-24T11:00:00.000-06:00

Twitter brought to me...

TAYLOR SWIFT!

I don't really love her music, but I think she's a great young lady! She never shows too much skin. She's positive. And she seems super nice! Don't believe me? Here are eleven things I learned from her Tweets.

She's a wrapper! And a REALLY good one! Would a naughty girl put that much care into presenting a gift? NO. Things aren't just slapped into a gift bag with some tissue paper (not that there's anything wrong with that). Those gifts are so pretty, if I was given one, I wouldn't even care what was inside. I might just keep it wrapped - unless I was told there was chocolate inside. Then, all bets are off!

I <3 that store SO much! If I won a million dollars, I would buy out the place - starting with the fancy knives, then working my way to the copper cookware (but only if they come with someone to drop by the house and polish them on the regular). Like Taylor, I usually settle for the edibles. They're affordable and ALWAYS yummy!

You straight hair people have NO idea what this means. When you have curls, getting a good haircut and a nice blowout is, like, the best day! Taylor is much braver than I am. I don't do bangs because when I wear curls, it looks like I have antennas. Cute when I was a kid. As a lady, I look a little homelessy.

Why have I never done this? I want to have a snow globe party!

I still don't get this "writing on my arm" business, but it's a little cuter with a kitten in the picture!

This is why you should never limit yourself to just one genre of music. Appreciate every bit of it (even if it's just the teeniest bit) because that's what musicians do! Haven't you ever seen an episode of "Crossroads?" And CMT, if you're reading this, how about you release those episodes as albums so I can have 'em on my iPod?

Um, yeah the sharks can totally hear you! My approach to sharks is very similar to Elmer Fudd and his, "Be bary bary quiet. I'm hunting rabbits!" approach. If I don't say a word, sharks will never know that I am:

scared of them
worried they'll eat me in my dreams
worried they'll eat me in real life (which is why I don't get in murky water)

If popping bubble wrap doesn't make you happy, you need medication.

What??! is right! I don't know how those work, but I'd like someone to send me some so I can find out!

TRUTH. Without friends, you're nothing!

Woah. I seriously love my friends and trust them to be my conscience. But I am not letting ANY of them come at me with a pair of scissors unless I have left a tag on my clothing. Still, it looks like Taylor gave Liz some pretty good bangs. So, maybe, just maybe, if Taylor and I ever become friends, I'll let her give my hair a trim.

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On The Tenth Day of Tweepmas...

2011-12-23T13:30:00.000-06:00

Twitter gave to me...

QUESTO!

Some of you may only know him from that little mishap involving a song and Michele Bachmann. He's so much more than that! But, if that's your only exposure, allow me to introduce you to him through these ten Tweets.

This might be true. I'd try it if I had a tree (I'm refusing to buy one until science makes a tree that doesn't drop needles from the minute you get it in the door through six months after it's gone). Also, this sounds like it could be a hangover cure (minus the tree water).

BEST. GINGERBREAD. COOKIES. EVER. Um, these could also be me when I wake up in the morning. Seriously, my hair is out of control in the AM!

I'm gonna 4th this. Ever since I saw that Behind The Music on Missy, all I've wanted is some new music from her. My iPod craves it!

I will never understand why jerks follow people they don't like/constantly disagree with. Why would you want to get all worked up over something like that? Power to the people who block those losers instead of engaging them!

Those might be the only things that are what they claim to be at Red Lobster. And they're the only things I'll eat there.

Me, too! I once had Amazon Tweet at me and I thought it was the puppets from the commercials! Then, I was impressed that puppet fingers could type. Which is crazy. Or is that me?

I'd like to be the first to make this the Dr. Pepper Generation! Then, I could put a "Dr." in front of my name and make people think I finally have a "real" job!

If this doesn't keep you from eating Hot Pockets, nothing will. WARNING: DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK IF YOU'RE EATING.

Seriously - I <3 this album so much, I'm looking forward to my holiday road trip so I can listen to it 1.5 times each way!

I mean, really! Nothing makes me feel more OCD than a glimpse at my iPhone and iPod screens! I feel like I am constantly cleaning them - even though I have the screen protectors on them (only prevents scratches - not prints). And while I don't have big fingers (I've seen ladies with MUCH larger hands than mine), why do the keys have to be so small? Is this why autocorrect exists - because they knew the keys were small?

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Week In Pop Culture

2011-12-23T11:00:00.000-06:00

Let's start with Molly Sims. She probably made the airbrusher mad because there wasn't much to work with here.

Hilary Duff, you should know I don't like it when ladies do this with their bumps!

Ivanka Trump may have stolen a shoe design.

George Michael is out of the hospital.

Jennifer Aniston and her man sent out a holiday card.

Guess I won't be moving to NYC any time soon: Alec Baldwin doesn't want to be mayor.

Brigitte Nielsen was in an accident.

Jessica Simpson is still pregnant.

Jeremy Sisto is going to be a dad.

Paul McCartney has a new album out in February.

Anyone interested in this talk show?

Adam Lambert was arrested.

I know Heidi Klum likes to dress up, but I don't get this.

I cannot believe they're still making these movies.

Remember that girl from the Blair Witch Project? Here's what she's doing now.

Eddie Murphy's ex-wife has some serious money issues.

Here's some not-so-surprising news about the Kardashian's clothing.

A Dutch magazine editor is out of work after some really wrong comments he made about Rihanna.

A former co-star of Sean Penn's is not a fan.

Debra Messing has split from her husband.

Beyonce bump watch.

HBO canceled a couple of shows I liked, but kept one I did not like.

Stephanie Seymour in a bikini.

If you've wondered what Andy Cohen's home looks like, take a peek.

Jonah Hill celebrated his birthday with some Real Housewives.

One of those Real Housewives is going to be on Glee.

Gerard Butler had to be rescued.

Jon Bon Jovi is not dead, y'all.

Daniel Craig may have five more Bond movies in him.

I wish I was on Kiefer Sutherland's holiday mailing list!

Fergie and Josh Duhamel's holiday card is cute.

Chaz Bono is no longer engaged.

Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard have broken up.

Betty White's 90th birthday will be a TV special.

Nobody gives James Franco a D. Allegedly.

Oh, Dolly!

Ugh. Kardashian Kristmas.

I would like Jennifer Hudson to stop the dieting.

Jon Hamm. Just because.

Kobe Bryant's divorce won't be cheap.

Rihanna was sick during a concert.

Scarlett Johansson does not like her media/blogger-given nickname.

Kelly Osbourne is hurt again.

Michelle Obama is the latest famous person to be invited to the Marine Corps Ball.

Judy Greer is a married lady.

Helen Mirren. Wow!

Judd Apatow sounds like an awesome dad!

I don't want to believe Will and Jada are getting divorced. :(

Here's how Brad Pitt celebrated his 48th birthday.

Pamela Anderson is still wearing bikinis.

A Backstreet Boy is married.

Blake Lively must always look cute when she bakes.

Ellen DeGeneres and Brad Pitt have something in common.

David Cross did not enjoy his Chipmunk experience.

Carly Simon's memoir is full of sexy time name dropping.

Get ready, Broadway! William Shatner is headed your way!

Maybe Flashdance will win a few Broadway fans?

Sad news about Etta James.

This might be the most fashionable family ever.

J.R. Martinez is going to be a dad.

Alyson Hannigan is expecting baby number two.

Charlie Day has a new baby boy.

Little Suri Cruise had a public meltdown.

VH1 is still doing that "Divas" thing.

And I don't understand their "Relationship Rehab" show.

Whoopi is not at all ashamed to fart on television.

Snoop Dogg's ways may cost him.

I'm a little envious of these stars who bought Elizabeth Taylor's jewelry.

Happy Festivus!

2011-12-23T09:15:00.000-06:00

What? It's a real thing! See?

So, I thought I'd observe this holiday by telling you people some of the things that REALLY annoy me.

Facebook
Yes, I want to know what you're up to (I accepted your friend request, didn't I?). But some of you are *this* close to losing me. Here's why:

STOP POKING ME! It just sounds creepy. I do not like people to poke me in person (I bruise easily and a single poke in the arm can give me a bruise for a week). I do not want you to poke me online. It's annoying.

STOP USING YOUR CHILD/PET AS YOUR PROFILE PHOTO! Look, I love my little furkids. I post their pictures on Facebook every now and then. But they are NOT me. They cannot be my profile picture. If I have photo with them, I could make that my profile pic. But that is the ONLY exception. I think your kids and pets are adorable, too. If I want to see them in my feed, I'll friend them (aren't they on Facebook? is that not why all of your updates are about them?).

STOP BEING A DOWNER/BRAGGER! When you regularly post how awful/wonderful your life is, it's annoying. Those of you who seem to only post that you're having a bad day make me feel like I should call a hotline to get you some help. When you only post comic-style pictures to express how you feel, I can't help but think you need to learn how to use your words (I like you because we have had conversations - remember those?). When you only post how awesome your life is, I think you're lying. Really. No one is always happy and lucky all the time! Your constant cheer makes me wish you'd get a flat tire or something - but only in the daytime because wishing that on anyone at night might as well be wishing a serial killer would come to your final rescue. I don't want that. Yet.

STOP WITH THE HATE! I know that might sound a bit ironical, but I have seriously grown tired of your constant bashing of all things: America, the President, the Constitutional rights you swear are being taken away. I'm not saying you can't post them on your page. I'm saying that if I post something and your reply is "Blame Obama!" or "Ron Paul 2012!" or "You're a socialist!" you should start a countdown clock for me to unfriend you. You've been warned.

Twitter
I have the same complaints about my Twitter friends.

News
I have what is sometimes the privilege of watching a lot of news. But there are some things I keep seeing/hearing that are driving me bananas.

WENT MISSING. I don't even think this is proper English! I don't know who started using this horrible phrase, but it's TV speak that is not necessary. Now that regular people are using this phrase, it's time to use words that make more sense. How about: ran away, disappeared, vanished, wandered off, may have been kidnapped? All of those make me less ragey. Give it a shot.

ALLEGEDLY. This word is so often misused that non-TV people use it randomly. And wrongly. Stop.

NON-LIFE THREATENING INJURIES. Look, cops and paramedics use this way too often. It's stupid. Just say someone is going to be OK. Or better yet, tell me what kind of injuries someone suffered.

BREAKING NEWS. Here's the thing: there are stories that break just before or during news time. That phrase is appropriate then. Calling something "breaking news" when it happened hours before you report it is not just a lie. It makes you look like a fool. First, a story is broken, then it's developing, then it's an update. Got it?

WE DON'T KNOW. I hear this on local and cable news all the time when a story is unfolding on live TV. If you don't know something, don't tell me. You're wasting my time. I want to know what you know and what you see. I don't even mind if you speculate. Just don't tell me what you don't know. This makes me all kinds of Tourettey.

VIRAL VIDEO. This phrase gives me the creeps. It's like the internet video I'm watching on TV is going to reach out and grab me and perhaps give me some kind of terminal illness. Can we come up with a new phrase for that - like "Web Hit Wonder" or "You've Been Tubed?" I'm not sold on those phrases, but we should talk.

Those are my complaints. I feel better now.

On The Ninth Day of Tweepmas...

2011-12-22T13:30:00.000-06:00

Twitter brought to me...

KATY PERRY!

If you're not familiar with the pop star, maybe these nine Tweets will give you a little more insight into the girl who likes to dress like the Candyland game come to life.

I can kind of relate. As a recent iPhone convert, I sometimes feel like I have the largest fingers on the world's smallest phone (I don't and it's not). Still, I didn't get the phone for the texting - or even Siri. I got it because of the camera. Really.

I didn't see all of the sketches from Katy's SNL hosting gig, but I did see this one. And it was funny. Just look at what she's wearing! It's like what I wear when I'm REALLY sick. For reals. Mismatched clothes and a Lincoln hat make me feel better!

Seriously, bloggers and tabloids, can you stop speculating about Katy (and all other famous people) every day? You're making me a nervous wreck! With all that Katy shares on her Twitter account, I'm pretty sure when she has news, she'll break it herself. So, back off!

Aww! I wish my cat was sweet and cuddly like that! Instead, he's the devil cat who I'm pretty sure is only watching me when I'm sleeping because he's counting on me not waking up so he can eat me. Katy's looks happy to be there. I'm showing this to my cat so that he understands why I like the dog (and Katy's cat) more than I like him.

My inner child thinks this is the coolest ring EVER! The adult part of me wants to know if that's edible because if it is, it is the best piece of jewelry any girl could ever have!

I can't rate this photo because all I can think of is with that tan and pink hair, the normally cute Katy looks more like a troll doll at an amusement park.

Queso is the best! Wait. Not before bed. That's way too heavy. I've never had crazy dreams from the cheese, but I have felt like I want to punch myself in the gut because I just can't sleep with that queso and chips rumbling around in my tummy. I am old. And possibly lactose intolerant.

What. The. Smurf. Yes, I know Katy was the voice of Smurfette in this year's movie. But as much as I love smurfs and manicures, I could not combine the two. I'd be too worried about chipping a smurf and then it would mess up the whole thing and I'd have to start over. I'd be smurfed. And then REALLY smurfed.

As a Texan, I totally support the cowgirl get up. As me, I cannot take the turkey leg. I hate seeing people eat meat off a bone. It's like cave people. I was not around when they grunted and roamed the planet, so maybe I should make another analogy. It's like watching the ladies of The View eat. Too much.

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On The Eighth Day of Tweepmas...

2011-12-21T13:30:00.000-06:00

Twitter gave to me...

JUSTIN BIEBER!

Some of you may be thinking this is NOT a gift. Oh, but it is! Here are eight Twitter gems from the pop star:

This is the most random gathering. It's like these dudes wanted to be cool for their kids or cousins or nieces and nephews. But it looks like they were having fun. Even Jay-Z.

I like that this kid who is so busy he can't actually attend school is helping those kids who are sitting in class probably driving a teacher crazy by singer his songs or working the word "Bieber" into their papers. Also, is it just me or does the person accepting this check seem to have a Bieber haircut?

So, is he saying he never thought he'd perform for and meet the President of the United States? Or is he saying he won't rule out running for office? Because I think he's Canadian or something - not qualified to be President (though I bet that doesn't stop Beliebers from starting a campaign).

Seriously, this kid is EVERYWHERE! I bet tweens knocked over Mickey Mouse to get him (and we all know Mickey is the REAL star of all places Disney)!

Aw. That's nice! Nothing worse than some young kid making millions off people in his age bracket and giving them the finger. Not Bieber!

I am just young enough to know he's quoting a song lyric and just old enough to tell him that's not appropriate.

And here's how you know that paternity suit is not legit. No boy who is that close with the ladies in his life is going to get himself mixed up in a situation like that. Those ladies would whoop him (or whatever the Canadian equivalent of that phrase is).

Hmm. I think that's a nice place to leave things.

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Happy Hanukkah!

2011-12-20T18:00:00.000-06:00

Friends, I hope you enjoy those eight crazy nights!

And this:

On The Seventh Day of Tweepmas...

2011-12-20T13:30:00.000-06:00

Twitter gave to me...

KANYE WEST!

Yes, he has an amazing ability to rhyme words over crazy beats. Yes, he knows how to make an interruption. But, y'all, he is one heckuva Tweeter! Here are seven things I learned from 'ye on Twitter.

I hadn't given much thought to what Kanye would want for Christmas, but if I had, this would not be on it. I think those are fancy sheets with a ridiculous thread count. I cannot believe they're not jeweled! Maybe Kanye and I would be good friends. Without good sheets, you cannot get good sleep. I want to add those to my wish list now. Maybe I'll be good at rhymes if I get them!

This kid really IS fresh! I mean, she might as well have walked out of an egg Gaga style! I don't have kids, but I really do believe dressing a kid like this is the sole reason to have children. Plus, there's that tax write off thing. I have no idea who this girl is or why she's dressed like that, but she's completely adorable. Until she poops her pants.

These tweets were made within two hours of each other. It's like he's trying to be positive while waiting for some lady to drop her man for him. I hope she did. He's got an eye for sheets!

I didn't exactly think Kanye was a light traveler, but oh how I would hate to be in the security line behind him at the airport! Who am I kidding? He doesn't fly commercial! Taking a closer look at that photo makes me think maybe I'd try my hand at stealing if he was in front of me. Those sunglasses rock!

I'm counting all of these as one lesson. They're back-to-back. Like Kanye, I don't like people to just show up at my house. Why? Because I might have decided to spend the day in my pajamas without makeup. My place might be a wreck. I might have dirty laundry piled up outside my laundry room. I don't want you to gasp when I open the door then have to stumble past my clothes! Now, those are probably not the same issues Kanye has, but if you show up unannounced, you cannot be mean and complain when I don't have your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid!

Food for thought. Literally.

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On The Sixth Day of Tweepmas...

2011-12-19T13:30:00.000-06:00

Twitter brought to me...

LADY GAGA!

Yes, that IS her "Poker Face." And she WAS "Born This Way." But Lady Gaga is more than the makeup, meat dress and cross-dressing gimmicks. If you took all that away and just gave her a piano, she'd still rock the house. Give her a Twitter account and she'll teach you a lot. Don't believe me? Here are six Twitter gems I learned from Gaga.

I don't even know who that's supposed to be! I do know that it makes me want to learn how to draw. I'd settle for a coloring book by that artist. I'd use my scented markers to bring the images to life! Gaga, can you make that happen?

Wow. I thought I was really bad at making comparisons. Truth. I won't say how far I've gone because I don't want to offend those of you who don't know me. An old tampon? Too far, Gaga. TOO. FAR.

How many famous folk would be on board with their image being used as a glammed up creepy Halloween costume? The only problem with this one: you'd might have to spend a lot of time explaining that you're Gaga. People might just mistake you for someone who slapped together a costume at the last minute. Unless you were singing.

I seriously believe Gaga would welcome countless strangers into her bed for a cuddle. I don't see any other celebrities saying things like this. Well, not any that aren't borderline pedophiles. If not for security - and probably a few restraining orders - the little monsters would do this. You know who you are.

I think the message here is beauty hurts. Or only people who don't want to have feeling in their feet will wear shoes like this. Either way, I'm sticking to my shoes that don't bind my feet like a geisha. Ouch.

Like that previous picture, this one had no message. I'm thinking it's this: if you walk a mile in Amy Winehouse's shoes, you'll be one with nature.

And nature is one step closer to Gaga.

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On The Fifth Day of Tweepmas...

2011-12-18T14:00:00.000-06:00

Twitter brought to me:

DIDDY!

Since there really isn't anything Diddy can't do, I'm sure I can learn and share five things about him from his Twitter feed. Here goes!

Yeah! Take that, jerks!

This is REALLY important for some of you to accept. One thing I have learned from my job is that when something is over, you get a fresh start. To go back and kick yourself over the things that went right/wrong is just a waste of time. Learn from yesterday to make today better. I want to trademark that so I can put it on one of those posters with a cute animal on it. Diddy, ya listenin'?

Oh, SO many things! I would go to the Grand Canyon and walk out on that insane glass observation deck. I would skydive. I would swim with sharks. I would walk through fire (in one of those flame-retardant suits). But I am a scaredy cat. I wouldn't do one of those things until scientists release the bravery pill. Don't think that's not being developed now.

I don't even care if that vodka Diddy represents requires him to say that, you people need to know that! The price of a cab is much cheaper than a DWI or worse. If you've been drinking and someone tells you you shouldn't drive, HEAR THEM. You can't. And if you can't put the key in the door, that is a sign from above telling you you have no business getting behind the wheel. That's your free advice from me and Diddy. Never in a million years did I think I'd get to collaborate with Diddy! If I had a bucket list, I would be crossing that off right now!

OK. Now, I'm confused. While this picture does not imply he's about to drink and drive, Diddy has presented us with a cocktail. I'm regretting finding this on a Sunday when the liquor stores are closed. This actually sounds yummy - for the alert drunk who likes a cocktail that's not syrupy sweet. I've never had peach vodka but I can't imagine it's too sweet. It should be mellow - like Diddy. I will sample this cocktail before the year's up!

Thanks, Diddy, for good cheer!

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On The Fourth Day of Tweepmas

2011-12-17T13:45:00.000-06:00

Twitter brought to me:

CHER!

A glimpse at her Twitter feed reveals she stays up late and replies to a lot of people. So, here are four Twitter gems from her Cherness:

Lesson learned: Siri isn't as smart as your iPhone wants you to believe. I do kind of want to start asking Siri for some random advice now - but ONLY if she can reply as Cher.

Note to GOP candidates: don't look for the Cher endorsement OR use her music at your events. This should probably be forwarded to Newt Gingrich. His ABBA ringtone is like the gateway music for Cher.

Any of you thinking about having babies should think about THAT. Because those babies will turn into teenagers before the calendar actually says they're teenagers. My furkids don't do that.

Cher totally gets Twitter. She understands that when you're famous, people want to reach out to you. Most of them are nice. And even though she's not following a lot of people, she's engaged with the people who mention her - good and bad. You don't get that from everyone. Trust me. I know.

With nearly half a million followers, I'm pretty sure she won't see this. But if she does, she should know that I BELIEVE!

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On The Third Day of Tweepmas...

2011-12-16T13:30:00.000-06:00

Twitter brought to me...

MILEY CYRUS!

I couldn't tell you when she last released a new song, but I know that she does sing, so that's why she's made the Tweepmas cut. Also, she's a consistent Twitterer who doesn't just push her own agenda. She responds to people. So, here are three gems I learned from her.

It's like some people refuse to accept that a child star can grow up and mature - emotionally AND physically. Hopefully girls her age will take that message to heart (not that there's anything wrong with bought boobies - within reason).

I love my pets, too! However, I don't let them lick me. I have seen where they put their tongues. Totally disgusting. I think that's how the plague started. But if Miley thinks that's the perfect start to the day, good on her! I'd be happier if my dog or cat could make me breakfast, but to each her own.

OOOH! Pretty! Since I refuse to put up a tree (hate the needles, hate the fake tree more), I may just come back to this post each day to admire the tree Miley decorated. It has the perfect combination of bright colored balls and white lights (the only lights I find acceptable on a holiday tree).

I'm so glad I took some time to learn three things about Miley! I like her a little more now! Can't wait to see who teaches me four things tomorrow!

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Week In Pop Culture

2011-12-16T11:00:00.000-06:00

Let's start by pointing out Charlie Sheen is alive but not looking 100%.

Britney Spears is engaged.

If you wanted a closer look at Anne Hathaway's engagement ring, here you go.

Denzel Washington may be joining the cast of a movie based on a TV show.

Jennifer Aniston says she's put stuff in her face.

Foo Fighters fans made New Zealand tremble.

Remember that kid from My Girl? You should see her now!

Howard Stern is going to judge America's Got Talent.

Courtney Love was evicted from her NYC apartment.

Sofia Vergara, we can see your bum!

Golden Globe nominations have been announced.

Tom Sizemore is writing his memoir.

In case you're interested (I am not), Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are in a new war.

What is wrong with George Clooney's dog that it took meatballs to make it love him?

Melanie Griffith is the latest celebrity to misbehave on a plane.

Cameron Diaz allegedly has a new hookup pal.

If this story about Derek Jeter is true, he's a creep.

Look, y'all. Demi Moore doesn't care what you think about her not changing her Twitter name.

Matthew McConaughey has lost his ~~mind~~ hair.

The SAG Award nominees were announced.

Elizabeth Taylor's jewelry sold at auction and I didn't even get a diamond crumb. :(

Fantasia has a baby boy.

The spooky house from American Horror Story is for sale.

I can't wait to not watch Eva Longoria's CW show.

I'm a little creeped out by Tony Bennett.

Kim Kardashian totally over dressed for relief work in Haiti.

Tina Fey went to an event sans makeup - and she looked pretty good!

Paula Abdul got a little angry on Kimmel.

I will accept Matt Damon's "no more Bourne for me" reasoning, but I don't have to like it.

Katie Couric is single.

Interesting. A movie about The Smothers Brothers.

Charles Barkley is crediting Weight Watchers for his slimmer self.

Sarah Palin is trying to sell a show about her husband and his snowmobiles.

Barry Manilow is going under the knife - but not on his face.

Will Ferrell is peddling cheap beer.

Jennifer Love Hewitt may be the ultimate sad girl.

Kate Winslet's boyfriend has a crazy name.

Tori Spelling's home life is strange.

Renee Zellweger is selling one of her homes.

Nick Nolte is finally talking about that crazy mugshot.

I'd vote for Jay-Z.

I don't want to wait three years for another Adele album!

Val Kilmer has finally evened things up with the IRS.

Meryl Streep is 62, proud of it and AMAZING!

Hillary Duff is super pregnant.

Salma Hayek knows how to get little girls to pray.

How Hollywood types can get it wrong: telling Ryan Gosling he's not handsome enough.

Alec Baldwin probably shouldn't accept any food/drinks from a flight attendant. And his antics may keep American Airlines travelers from seeing 30 Rock.

Lindsay Lohan isn't very smart. But she is surprising the judge. Her sister needs to eat something.

Chris Tucker has one heckuva tax bill.

Kelly Rowland had a moment of strange.

A former Real Housewife has pissed off Barbra Streisand.

Courtney Love should put those away.

Super cute Nate Berkus has lost his daytime talk show.

Jennifer Aniston - sexiest woman of all time?

Why does the original Blue Lagoon need to be remade?

I'm opposed to another Friday movie.

Jodie Foster's dad is in prison.

Michael Jackson's daughter is acting.

I'm not so sure about this HBO series.

Hollaback at Gwen Stefani's wax figure!

This could be the movie that renews my interest in Eddie Murphy.

Um, Lady Gaga - what?

Ke$ha is disgusting.

Fergie is a normal girl who can't squeeze into her dress.

Rest in peace Christopher Hitchens.

On The Second Day of Tweepmas...

2011-12-15T13:30:00.000-06:00

Twitter gave to me...

MIKE TYSON!

Now, if you're shouting at the computer, "Mike Tyson is a boxer! He's not a musician!" You should do three things:

Stop shouting at your computer, crazypants.
Watch this.
Watch this:

So, now that I've settled that little disagreement, I'm giving you two Twitter gems from Mr. Tyson.

Seriously. Try buying a gift for someone who has everything. Ask 'em what they want and you'll get a list of things you can't afford. Try scouring stores and the best you'll get is a cheap gag gift. Who wins then?

GOOD. TO. KNOW. Now, I'm going to learn to command my nose to bleed so that if I'm ever around Mr. Tyson and he's feeling punchy (or he's read this and is not happy about it) I can let it rip and while he's trembling in fear I will run like my life depends on it. Because it would. He's crazy strong!

But also, a good singer. Never forget that. I will be first in the iTunes line to buy his albums if he ever decides to record one. Until then, it's just a YouTube dream!

RELATED POSTS

On The First Day of Tweepmas...

2011-12-14T13:30:00.000-06:00

Twitter gave to me:

NEIL DIAMOND!

To start things off, I'd like to show you that Mr. Diamond is a sharer.

I will never be in the Macy's parade, so this photo is as close as I'll get. Plus, I don't love a parade, so I appreciate Neil snapping a picture to include me. And you. This is also about you.

RELATED POST:

2010's 12 Days of Tweepmas

The Return of Tweepmas!

2011-12-13T13:30:00.000-06:00

I could probably count the number of people excited about this on one hand, but I have decided to bring back the Twelve Days of Tweepmas. Last year, I chose 12 reality TV "stars" and counted down Christmas with Tweet gems from them. You can see them here.

This year, I'm focusing on musical tweeps. Check back tomorrow for the First Day of Tweepmas!
xoxo

My Pal, Santa

2011-12-10T16:23:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, Santa makes you smile. He makes you remember the simpler times, like these.

Yes, that's a really young me, apparently super eager to tell Santa all about my holiday wishes. Though, looking at this Santa, he seems like he's ready to launch me off of his knee. Or sell me into slavery.

I don't even remember what could have been on my mind. Maybe I'm not so much smiling as I'm talking through my teeth, begging my parents to get me away from this guy. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure I could do this then. I am incredibly talented.

Also, according to my keen Google skills, that sign proclaiming it's more than 35,000 miles to the North Pole is full of egg nogg! It's like, 4,000 miles. Who did that guy think he was fooling? Sure, they didn't have the internet then (yes, I am that old), but they had these things called maps on paper. Someone in charge should have looked that up. Not pointing at Santa, but I'm sure he has an assistant or at the very least a PR person.

Here, I'm a little older and wiser. And this year, Santa has changed. He no longer needs the gloves, he's lost his sign of lies, and he has roped in what looks like the meanest reindeer of them all to sit with us in the picture.

Here, I'm not exactly giving Santa my best grin. This might be around the time I started questioning what this was all about - I mean besides the presents and the songs and the movies. It looks like Santa is questioning things, too. There's no joy in his eyes. His cheeks aren't rosy. I don't exactly see a belly that looks like it has even the slightest jelly jiggle.

Seriously - what is up with that reindeer? I can't look away from Rudolph. Had he just fled the other reindeer who were calling him names while refusing to let him join in the reindeer games? The smile looks painted on, but he doesn't seem to have his heart in it. It's OK, Rudolph. I find the red nose adorable! Take it from the girl who struggled for 20 years with curly hair - there's nothing wrong with being different (and sometimes a little bit frizzy)!

Week In Pop Culture

2011-12-09T11:00:00.000-06:00

Did Diane Kruger intentionally show side boob?

These Anna Nicole Smith pictures are sad.

Kevin Federline's main source of income is losing weight on reality TV.

Ugh. Top Gun 2.

Anthony Hopkins is going to play Alfred Hitchcock in a movie.

Sinead O'Connor is married.

Tyra Banks hasn't been playing the REAL Tyra Banks on ANTM.

Ellie Kemper is engaged.

Does Today really have enough money to lure Ryan Seacrest to replace Matt Lauer?

Emma Roberts is funny.

The Girl With The Tramp Stamp Tattoo from Emma Roberts

At what point does Wilmer Valderrama's eye for young ladies become officially creepy?

Jeff Probst is married.

Dear Adam Sandler: please don't do this.

Jodie Foster's dad may be going to prison.

Katherine Heigl is speaking some truth here.

These kids are cute and totally acting like grown ups. So, parents, don't let your kids watch them.

This story about people being paid to cheer for Tom Cruise is kind of silly. And maybe true?

I cannot believe Michelle Pfeiffer is 53!

Shakira chopped off her hair.

I cannot wait to continue my tradition of not seeing any of the Transformers movies.

Entertainment Weekly named its Entertainer of The Year.

Olivia Wilde has a new boyfriend.

I wonder if stars like Cameron Diaz see these photos of themselves, because if they do it seems they don't care.

I'm sad this made Alec Baldwin delete his Twitter account.

Because you missed this. (No one watches The Chew, right?)

Terrence Howard's divorce is really nasty.

Someone needs to explain "double entendre" to Nigella Lawson.

I'm on Team Alec Baldwin. Seriously, airlines, cell phones don't take planes down. Let us play!

Bradley Cooper knows what's up.

Michael C. Hall's divorce is final.

The creator of Sex and The City is getting divorced.

Kristin Chenoweth. Still adorable!

Jesse James. Still a douchebag.

Mark Wahlberg has a few regrets.

I don't even care what this movie is about. I'll see it.

Here's why guys like Danica Patrick.

I can't even comment on this wrestling lady's engagement ring because all I see is her serious need for lotion.

Christie Brinkley has a half-million dollar tax bill.

Jane Fonda is 73.

Hangover III. Really?

I will totally watch Betty White's prank show.

Larry King wants to be frozen when he dies. So, he's still alive?

A country singer was allegedly too drunk to fly.

Rosie O'Donnell is engaged.

I don't care what size Christina Aguilera is, but I would really like for a good stylist to get her into the right clothes.

How I know the networks aren't worried about controversy: they have ~~old lady~~ Madonna performing at the Superbowl.

I think I speak for Jessica Biel when I say German talk shows are strange.

This Twitter feud is stupid.

Giuliana Rancic's cancer fight is more serious.

Usher's ex-wife says he's using drugs.

Good news: Lindsay Lohan might be headed to a reality show. Bad news: It's NOT Celebrity Rehab.

I want to believe this movie will be fun.

Jennifer Garner is still pregnant.

Kirsten Dunst sounds a little desperate here. And she makes me feel tan.

Charlie Sheen's ex was arrested. Again.

I totally agree with The View ladies: Barbara Walters "Most Fascinating People" list is lame.

Natalie Portman's parents would like her to hurry up and get married.

Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are allegedly very serious.

Roberto Cavalli is probably doing research for next season's line while checking out his super young girlfriend.

Eric Dane's house was damaged by those crazy winds.

Celebrity Wife Swap has stars - if we're in the 90s.

I think Tom Cruise is trying to make Scientology cool. Or something.

Rest in peace, Bill McKinney.

And Dev Anand.

Also, Harry Morgan.

Ladies Have To Stop Doing This

2011-12-08T10:45:00.000-06:00

It's not easy being a girl/lady/woman. Not because of sexism, but because some of us are making it hard for everyone to feel good about themselves.

I'm not sure who Kelly Brook is, but this is what she did to convince people her Twitter account is really hers.

Now, she could have taken a fully-clothed picture of herself at her computer with Twitter in the background. But she decided it would be more persuasive to appear to be naked and stone faced while taking a picture of herself in her bathroom.

Demi Moore is a repeat offender.

Ladies, learn from Demi: no matter how amazing you look in a bikini at ANY age, your man will stray.

Miley Cyrus has done it.

Lisa Rinna has done it.

Kim Kardashian has done it.

While I get that they're feeling smokin' hot when they take the picture (or have someone take it for them), they should stop. Yes, it's a million times better than those paparazzi pictures where they purposely get the back of the thigh cellulite or the belly bulge from the skinniest star as she bends over (those should be forbidden). But it's making non-celebrities think they need to do it.

Take 14-year-old Angie Varona. The Florida girl took pictures of herself for her boyfriend and posted them on a private photo sharing site. The problem: she says her account was hacked. Now, her photos are all over the Internet. Allegedly without her permission. Photos like this.

A Google image search of her name gets 132,000 hits! She's not even showing her privates - not a nipple in sight! But you better believe every creep out there has seen her pictures and made some disgusting comments.

Y'all, the Internet is a permanent record of your good and bad behavior. If you think you're doing this in private and no one will ever see it, you're just dumb. Stop. And if you're being like the celebrities and putting it out there for some positive feedback, know that it is ONLY about what you look like and not who you are (smart, kind, generous, charitable - all of that is forgotten when people known and unknown start leaning in closer to the monitor/phone to see if they can magically make what's covering your lady bits disappear).

It's a desperate and sad bid for attention. I'm not just saying this because I couldn't pull this off. I'm saying this because every time I see someone do this, my initial reaction is "WOW!" then sad face. Every one of these pictures sets ladies back. You can have an awesome bikini body and be a good person. Sadly, the second part of that sentence is wiped out when you appear nearly naked.

Celebrities shouldn't be a child's sole role model. But they are usually one of them. Perhaps they should remember their fans - who are often underage girls - will copy their behavior. Those nearly nude pictures of stars may help them get on the cover of Maxim or score them a sexpot role in a movie or on TV. But ordinary girls should know those pictures may keep them from getting a job. Not a problem if the girl just wants a sugar daddy and a spot on one of those "Real Housewives" shows. But the mothers of those girls should explain why that's a bad decision - unless those mothers are actually on one of those shows. That's not a lasting career. It's not independence. It's not respectful. It's a path to sadness.

So, please.

Stop.

Week In Pop Culture

2011-12-02T11:00:00.000-06:00

Nicki Minaj is a real life Barbie Girl!

This is why Olivia Munn is famous.

This GQ list of "Least Influential People" is right on.

ZOMG! I am SUPER excited about the return of Dallas!

Katy Perry and Russell Brand want you to know their love is forever.

It definitely sounds like this category should be part of the regular Grammy Awards show.

Selma Blair is losing her hair.

Um, Tom Cruise. We can totally see your pit stains. But this Scientology story about him is worth missing.

Remember those Hanson kids? They're getting in the beer business.

Not buying this alleged feud.

I don't know that Mariah Carey's wardrobe is appropriate for this song and with Bieber.

Mindy McCready is a big, ol' mess.

Jennifer Lopez doesn't know the meaning of discreet.

Daniel Day Lewis is so Abraham Lincoln, it's scary!

The Grammy Awards (the only music awards that count) announced their nominees.

Rihanna's blonde now - and wearing jean shorts from the 1990s.

Kris Humphries finally acknowledges what all of the world knows: his marriage to Kim Kardashian was a fraud.

Does anyone actually believe Courtney Love is Lindsay Lohan's sobriety coach?

Also, Lindsay's little sister might not be telling the truth here.

Ashton Kutcher knows how to keep me from changing my opinion of him.

Sara Gilbert has a new girlfriend.

Charlie Sheen.

Hugh Jackman's wife wants you all to know he's NOT gay.

Brooke Burke is 40. That hurts.

Know who agrees with me that Hollywood should stop with the remakes/reboots? John Goodman.

Ricky Martin is going to be on Glee. So is Gloria Estefan.

Jessica Simpson is the opposite of classy.

Elvis Costello doesn't want you to buy his box set.

Ugh. ANOTHER one of the Kardashian clan might be on DWTS.

Speaking of Kardashians, Daniel Craig just made me love him a little more.

Reese Witherspoon might be more injury-prone than me.

Run! Save your ears! Paris Hilton is "making music" again!

When did Marie Osmond start looking like a dude dressed as Marie Osmond?

Eva Longoria didn't learn anything from her last marriage: she's now gushing about her new man.

Regis may have found his next job.

Stylists don't want to work with Kristen Stewart.

Maybe I have something in common with Lady Gaga.

Bullies targeted Charlize Theron when she was in high school. Also, she almost fell down this week.

Bethenny Frankel won't have a daytime TV show any time soon.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is expecting her second baby.

Jennifer Nettles is married.

Tobey Maguire had to pay back some of his gambling winnings.

Why is Kate Hudson sucking it in?

One of the TLC ladies is broke.

Um, Hope Solo, this is NOT why you didn't win DWTS.

I had no idea Kelly Preston had 39 pounds to lose.

These photos do not convince me Kate Gosselin is actually working at Coupon Cabin.

Anne Hathaway is engaged.

Christian Bale won't play Batman again.

The latest Twitter feud: Cher and Nicki Minaj.

That tattoo belongs to Ben Affleck. Seriously.

Cindy Crawford can still rock a bikini.

Paris Hilton had to sell a LOT of fake hair to make this Black Friday purchase.

LeAnn Rimes really wants people to look at her.

I kind of admire Demi Lovato for keeping right on singing after this accident.

Sounds like Miley Cyrus will say anything to ~~get attention~~ remind people she's not a kid anymore.

If you rent Pamela Anderson's Malibu home, I'd recommend staying out of the hot tub.

Aziz Ansari's dream date is pretty funny.

Here's why Child Protective Services need to visit Tori Spelling's home.

Jane Krakowski is more baby appropriate.

Lily Allen has a baby girl.

Penelope Cruz cut off her hair.

These two exes had a close call.

Chaz Bono is engaged.

Rest in peace, Patrice O'Neal.

Who Wants To Go To The Movies?

2011-12-01T10:30:00.000-06:00

As we tick closer to Awards Season (it's a REAL season, people - get over yourselves), the better movies start popping up in theaters. So, here's my instant judgment on what's opening this month.

WHAT I'LL SEE

Shame

I don't know a whole lot about this movie other than it stars Carey Mulligan (LOVE) and some actor I've never heard of (Michael Fassbender) goes full frontal. I don't know that I'll rush to the theater for this one, but it definitely gets a spot in my Netflix queue.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Soviet spy movie starring Colin Firth? Um, yes, please! I haven't read the book or seen the previous version of this movie, so I can go into it hoping to be entertained. Plus, Colin Firth.

Young Adult

Because I still watch Juno every time it comes on TV, I will continue to give Diablo Cody movies a chance (except that Jennifer's Body - I'd rather listen to Justin Bieber on a loop for 24 hours). I am also rooting for Charlize Theron to make a comeback. She's super talented - and gorgeous, DUH.

The Sitter

Full disclosure: This is going straight to my Netflix queue. Here's why I'll watch this: Jonah Hill. And this kind of looks like a new take on Adventures in Babysitting.

We Need To Talk About Kevin

This looks totally depressing. So, I'm in. Tilda Swinton is also a fascinating actress. Have you ever noticed how her face ACTUALLY changes with her emotions? Freaky.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

Have I mentioned lately how happy I am Robert Downey, Jr., is not on the drugs? Because he's brilliant! I like his Sherlock. The character, you perverts!

Carnage

Oh, I get it now. Parents confronting the issues of their troubled children is the new Wall Street movies (which replaced the old Mideast war movies). This cast is uh-MAZE-eeeng. I will make sure I have tissues in my bag.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

I haven't read any of these books, but Daniel Craig is in this.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

I'm not 100% sold on this, but if I have a late morning/early afternoon free and I've seen everything else, I'll check this out in the theater. Otherwise, I'll wait till it hits HBO. While I like Jeremy Renner, there's the whole Tom Cruise business - he's ALL OVER THIS! Yuck.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

This title sounds a little like my worst public nightmare: some loud talker is standing a few inches away from me. But this movie is not at all about that. I saw the trailer in the theater and teared up. Also, I will not quit Tom Hanks even when his movies make me mad that they're not as good as I hoped.

We Bought A Zoo

The title makes me roll my eyes. But, there's Matt Damon. And this is a Cameron Crowe movie, so the music will be awesome.

WHAT I WON'T SEE

New Year's Eve - Look, I like Garry Marshall, but any time you put this many stars in one movie, it just disappoints. There's never enough of the one or two stars that made you think it can't be that bad. Plus, these totally predictable movies are TOO LONG. And (most importantly), they're not Love Actually.
I Melt With You - I love Rob Lowe. But he's not enough for me to want to see this. It sounds like that TV show I don't watch (Men of a Certain Age). And not funny.
Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked - I know I'm not the target audience for this, but I have ears and a little bit of chipmunk goes a LONG way.
In The Land of Blood and Honey - Ugh. This Angelina Jolie flick sounds super long and really boring. It's probably important, but...no.
War Horse - Usually, I'll watch anything that includes the words "Steven Spielberg" in the credits, but I can't do this.

All I Want For Christmas

2011-11-28T10:33:00.000-06:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year! Since I don't wish for a Barbie Dream House anymore, I don't have many whimsical wishes - until the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book is out. So here are the things I can probably do without but would not return (mostly).

Roberto Cavalli Jaguar-Print Caftan
True story: I am counting the years until it is totally appropriate for me to give up sized clothing and be "That Muumuu Lady." And this is exactly what I had in mind (though for considerably less than the $1895 asking price).
Mr. Cavalli calls this a caftan. I say that's a fancy word for muumuu.
While this lacks the sequins and sparkles I'd like to wear as a lady of a certain age (because when you get to be a certain age the only ones who mock your clothing are too young to pay their own way).
It does have just the right amount of animal print (always acceptable in one piece of clothing).
I just worry this is too long for me. I'd either have to wear a super high wedge heel or have it altered. Do they hem caftans at Neiman's?
Things to consider.

Natori Shogun Printed Kimono-Sleeve Caftan
At $190, this is practically a steal!
It's silky and flowy - perfect for my future muumuu lifestyle!
The description even says something about easygoing elegance. What else would you expect from someone wearing this?
I know some of you are judging me for my muumuu decision, but here's the deal: I'm not going to wear house shoes with it. I'll wear a cute shoe. I'll even do something with my hair (not curlers). I don't want you to think I'm going full spinster!
I'm saving that for my 60s. I've got a lot of time to come to terms with that. Which brings me to...

Tweezerman Luxe Edition Crystal Slant Tweezer
You might be thinking "No one needs a pair of $100 sparkly tweezers."
You're wrong.
You see, I recently learned that as a lady gets older, hair grows in places it didn't used to.
And it grows fast.
So fast, that it won't be there when you go to sleep, but can be half an inch (or more) long when you wake up. Note to my lady readers who are younger than me: this is something your mother won't tell you until you go through it. I imagine this is the kind of talk you have when going through pregnancy.
So, if I'm going to be doing a thorough sweep each day, I might as well have something sparkly to make me feel less Wicked Stepmother about it.

No! No! Red NO! NO! 8800 Hair Remover
And now I think I may have found the best gift EVER!
At $270, this could do the job of 2.7 sparkly tweezers!
Now, I remember years ago my mom and her friend trying the Epilady. It seemed like some sort of torture device, ripping hairs out in a sudden motion. I remember they both took breaks for cigarettes and beer to get through part of their legs.
But unlike that ancient device (from the 1990s), this one says it's pain-free!
Surely, Neiman's wouldn't let a product advertise as such if it wasn't true.
Right?
Before anyone buys me this, I'd like you to try it out on yourself. If it even remotely hurts, take it back. I bruise like a peach and probably couldn't handle it.
I do think it's cute.
Even if it is a torture device.

Salvatore Ferragamo Leopard-Print Sophia Bag
Look, I don't really need another bag.
But I can want all I want. Yeah. Read that a couple of times.
This lovely piece of shoulder art you can pet comes in at $2450.
It is not made of leopard. It's dyed calf skin.
That makes me a little sad because calfs are so cute! I'd like to think they died some peaceful, calm death before their hides were removed with loving care and sent to an Italian artist who patiently painted leopard print on it.
If that's not true, don't you DARE write it in the comments. I will hunt you down and peck you like I'm a rabid turkey.
This is also the kind of bag worthy of a name. I'm going with Leo until I have it in my hands and it tells me what name it used to go by.

Casadei Crystal-Covered Pump
This is a little pointy for me. Also, a four-inch heel is almost the opposite of my preferred shoe choice.
So, here's the deal, Santa: I'll wear these $1500 shoes around the house until my feet get used to them. That will also help my balance get used to being normal person height.
When I'm not wearing them, I'll leave one in the living room and keep the other near my bed stand.
If you're saying, "That stupid girl. She should keep them in their bag and boxed up in her closet when not in use."
Well, YOU'RE stupid! These could totally be used as a weapon!
Did you see Single White Female? When crazy Jennifer Jason Leigh stabbed the guy in the eye with her stiletto, I realized how dangerous shoes can be.
Plus, this is the kind of weapon with which I am least likely to hurt myself. I couldn't "shoe" myself. I could taser myself. And that's why I don't have a taser.

Assouline Custom-Built Library Fantasy Gift
It's no secret I love books, so I absolutely LOVE the idea of having my own library in my house!
I can just see myself curled up with a book in a comfy chair, sipping a beverage (hot coffee in the AM, vino in the PM) and thinking "It's so lovely here, I could take a nap, then start over."
Now, the only thing that makes me think this may not be for me is the $125,000 price tag.
Take that in for a second.
OK. I don't know that I need a single room in my house to cost more than the rest of my house. Unless they turn my little one story into a two story with the library upstairs.
If that happens, the cat (who has been reading over my shoulder) would like to put in a request for an observation deck so he can keep an eye on the downstairs area.

Dream Folly Fantasy Gift
Any item that describes a yurt as being inspired by I Dream of Jeannie gets me.
For $75,000, you don't just get the yurt.
You get the furniture - including the chandelier!
It makes no mention of air conditioning. That concerns me.
It also says it will be delivered to my "estate." Um, I think the delivery people would be disappointed to see my wee little yard in a non-gated community.
My favorite thing about this: having a tent-like item in the backyard would totally count as camping. Life without air conditioning is as close to roughing it as I want to get.
Ever.
With my luck, my Home Owner's Association would probably tell me this violates the rules. Not worth the fight.
But I can dream.
You can't take that away from me.

International Flower Show Tour Arranged By JetWay Private Air Fantasy Gift
Of all the gifts, this is the least selfish one I could request.
Why? Because I'd get to take you and eight of my other friends on this little European flower romp!
I would buy a fancy hat and a little bag to pay proper tribute to The Queen (because for $420,000, we'd better get a private tea with her).
Tiptoeing through the tulips?
Yes, please!

Ruining The Holidays

2011-11-27T13:30:00.000-06:00

Remember when the holiday commercials used to be sweet?

Now, they're so gimmicky and just plain annoying!

Take the Target marathon shopper.

There's the dramatic music that reminds me of some really bad 1980s TV show. But the Sue Sylvester track suit, pearls and heels? Who does that? And her glued on grin? What is that? It's like some sort of over-caffeinated cracked out woman who's excited about fighting a crowd of hundreds for a $10 DVD. I love Target, but I've never seen anyone like that. I'd probably punch her. I couldn't take these ads last year, when they were in constant rotation on TV. I want to stab myself in the eyes when I see them this year - and we still have a LONG way to go until Christmas. If I'm gonna have to deal with a Target lady, I'd like this one.

And if you thought that Friday song was annoying, you'll probably hate this.

I don't even like shopping at Kohl's when it's NOT Black Friday (every one of those stores I've been in are always in disarray - I may not mind my closet like that, but when I'm shopping, I want everything organized). So hearing this annoying song to try to get me there is totally ineffective. I hope there's no more Friday specials so I don't have to hear Kohl's work this into another spot. Hopefully, they'll let it go next year.

Just when I was hoping for the opposite of a very Bieber Christmas, this came along.

How is a bunch of dudes who scream like girls at the sight of this girlie-boy supposed to inspire adults to drop some cash at Macy's? If I wander into their store and encounter those guys, they'll be lucky if all I do is roll my eyes at them. Seriously. He's a boy with a lesbian haircut. I don't get it.

So, how about more of these?

Pretty please???

Week In Pop Culture

2011-11-25T11:00:00.000-06:00

Cameron Diaz has some fantastic legs!

Eva Longoria is a secret smoker.

Kirstie Alley's habit isn't so secret.

Hulk Hogan's divorce settlement sounds painful.

Susan Boyle has a nice house that she doesn't live in.

George Michael has pneumonia.

Jack Wagner just met his 23-year-old daughter.

I am not crying over the "indefinite hiatus" of the Black Eyed Peas.

Hey, dude! That's Jake Gyllenhaal right next to you!

Miley Cyrus is getting a tattoo/tattoos removed.

Nicole Scherzinger is getting cheeky - literally.

I'm not sure the Oscars need a comedy category.

Jeremy Renner is talking about his Bourne role.

Janet Jackson is in the fur business.

A country singer has a baby girl.

Curtis Stone and Lindsay Price have a baby boy.

Pierce Brosnan - the anti-Bond?

Andy Cohen's live late night show will be on five nights a week.

Alyssa Milano's son might be the smallest sports fan.

Lollapalooza sounds like fun - if not for the potential to be kidnapped by cartels.

Hillary Swank's apartment looks cool.

Justin Bieber has taken that paternity test.

Angelina Jolie needs to eat a few cheeseburgers.

Reese Witherspoon's fly is open.

The Rock has lined up another movie I won't see.

The NBC news family - where children of politicos find work.

Uh oh. Jenny McCarthy is looking for love online. If that doesn't work, I'm afraid she's going to look on reality TV.

I'm so glad NBC likes Up All Night.

Casting for the Freddie Mercury biopic is interesting.

It's Beyonce and her bump!

If you can't wait, here are some Dark Knight Rises details.

Katy Perry (and, I presume, her boobs) will host SNL in December.

Jessica Simpson isn't even finished gaining her pregnancy weight and she's already being paid to lose it.

Jason Segel is looking for a girl to hang with his puppets.

Speaking of puppets, NBC has picked up a puppet show.

Wesley Snipes has a large credit card bill.

Lindsay Lohan's dad is back in rehab.

George Clooney had elbow surgery.

Even when she's falling down, Salma Hayek looks great.

VH1 hasn't run out of Divas.

Kristen Wiig is GQ's Bro of the Year.

If Ashton Kutcher thinks he can buy love, he should try buying my like. It's cheaper.

Liza Minnelli is blaming her dog for her broken leg.

I don't know why January Jones isn't carrying her baby.

Jennifer Lopez wants to remind you she's single - and maybe young? And a lip syncher?

Come on, Christina Aguilera!

Here's what the stars wore to the AMAs.

Emma Watson is in school.

The hilarious Amy Poehler was recognized for being funny. And her speech was really funny.

Robin Gibb has cancer.

As often as it seems to happen, Jennifer Love Hewitt does not handle a break up well.

Soon moviegoers will see this guy's business.

ICYMI: Here's why people are speculating Anna Kournikova is pregnant.

This could be a wax Blake Lively for all I know.

Mila Kunis kept her promise to a Marine.

Arrested Development has a new home.

Jeremy London appears to be back in trouble.

One of the Pointer Sisters is in trouble.

Elisabeth Shue is coming to TV.

I'm beginning to get excited about the new Great Gatsby.

I'm also excited about going back to Oz.

Jay-Z sounds like he's going to be a good dad.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T09:30:00.000-06:00

Here's a little something to help you pass the time while you wait to get your turkey on/fight the food coma.

PS - apologies to you Native American readers. Your land is lovely and we haven't taken care of it like we should have.

OOOH! Shiny Things!

2011-11-22T11:30:00.000-06:00

Like most girls, I am drawn to shiny things. You know, things like this:

So, when the folks at Palladium decided they needed to put a celebrity in their campaign, they should have thought more carefully. This ad caught my attention, but probably not for the reason the jewelry company hoped.

The ring shown is an eye catcher. Pamela Anderson - not so much. I mean, the words "I'm so over heavy metal" can't possibly be true. I read US Weekly. I know her history (if you're not familiar, Google with caution). Why would I want to be like her? I applaud Ms. Anderson for getting work that mostly keeps her covered, but when I see her jewelry is hardly the first thing anyone notices. Not smart.

Kelly Osbourne is a classier choice, but there's absolutely NO WAY she's over heavy metal. Her dad would kill her! I wouldn't exactly kill for that ring, but I would probably find a way to slide it off someone's finger and onto mine, then wander off like I forgot I had it.

Well, this is just not fair. These ladies always look classy and it really wouldn't matter what they're wearing - on their bodies or fingers or ears. And you know what's nice about this? It's REAL. They're not all airbrushed and pretending like they're not into rockers (FTR, their husbands are not in the music biz). I'm sure these ladies didn't keep these jewels. They could have even been paid to wear them. But they're not selling a silly line. They might like their jewelry to be lightweight, but they're not being punny. Palladium jewelry should make note of that.

I Think I Know You

2011-11-20T11:50:00.001-06:00

I really have to hand it to Adam. I gave him an assignment and he has come through. I hope he doesn't think I'm paying him for each of these (and if he does, my going rate is one penny per item). So, let's take a look at some of his recent personalized license plate sightings.

So, Melisa. I see you're a fan of Aggies and Cowboys - and the Jesus Fish! Also, now I know what name to shout when you cut me off in traffic. Thanks for that!

I'm not sure if this is the Cadillac driver's last name or if they like Yorkie dogs.

I'm thinking this driver likes his fast car and calls it the "Texas Rocket." Or he's into racketeering - in which case, he should not advertise this as the Feds will be onto him in no time.

This one's confusing. Does this driver like Lake Amistad? Is he asking/stating "Am I a Stud?" If it's the second one, I'm gonna say no. Yukons are what parents drive to take their kids to and from soccer practice.

Oh, Infiniti driver! You're so cute! You're telling me your Jaguar-esque car ate a Jag? Is that why they look alike? Is it like when a really ambitious snake eats something huge and you can see the outline of its catch in the middle of its body? Neat!

ORNGE? Um, color blind driver, your Hummer is NOT orange. It's silverish. Not even a hint of orange. Also, your giant gas guzzler kind of makes me want to stab the spare tire.

That's all for now. You can see other personalized license plates here.

Week In Pop Culture

2011-11-18T11:00:00.000-06:00

Here's Anne Hathaway occupying Wall Street.

Fellas, be glad Sofia Vergara didn't take a publicist's advice.

Those wax figures usually look good. I don't know what happened with Selena Gomez's figure.

I think Elle MacPherson looks good without makeup.

I'm going to miss Regis in the morning.

Alex Rodriguez seems to have moved on from Cameron Diaz.

Kid, this isn't even Lady Gaga's scariest outfit.

I am fascinated by the re-opening of the case of Natalie Wood's death!

Dr. Dre is taking a break from music.

Tori Spelling's husband "accidentally" posted a picture of her boobs on Twitter.

Juliette Lewis was in a bikini this week.

The latest ~~bad idea~~ remake: Munsters.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are officially over. And I'm not sure why we need to hear stories like this.

Heidi Klum, I don't get this.

George Clooney might be afraid of his girlfriend.

Joy Behar is quitting her HLN show.

Do we need more biblical epics?

Catherine Zeta-Jones is in a movie with Mark Wahlberg?

Ricky Gervais will officially be back at the Golden Globes.

I cannot believe people are calling Miley Cyrus fat.

South Park will be around for a few more years.

Niki Taylor has a new baby.

Justin Bieber's paternity mess is just dumb.

Those Fanning girls are adorable!

Mariah Carey may have an interesting choice in a new manager.

This Jessica Simpson story is not really believable.

I would like to file my formal protest against People's Sexiest Man Alive selection. Ryan Gosling was ROBBED! At least I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I haven't done the research, but if there is not a "Celebrity Sweat Stain" site, there should be.

I don't care what Margaret Thatcher's friends say, I'm still watching Meryl Streep play the Iron Lady.

Connie Britton has a baby boy.

Gene Simmons is not a fan of Axl Rose.

Don't get too excited about that new Amy Winehouse album.

Johnny Depp is funny.

Just when I was starting to like Suburgatory, they had to go do this.

This Spiderman lawsuit is getting nasty.

I guess The Oprah is OK with her BFF leaving her network to go to CBS.

Look who's a spokespig!

Chelsea Handler is earning big bucks!

Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner called off their engagement.

Britney Spears is back in a bikini.

Angelina Jolie doesn't appear to be quitting acting any time soon.

And here's why I love Amy Adams.

Oh, Courtney Love.

Smoking is NOT sexy, Rihanna.

I'm not sure I believe Cameron Diaz is hooking up with this guy.

Hells Angels did a nice deed for Dita Von Teese.

SNL's Keenan Thompson is married.

Pamela Anderson is playing the Virgin Mary.

I feel a little sorry for celebrities. Stories like this make it hard for them to turn down fans without coming off as jerks.

I just can't picture kids singing along to a song called I Got AIDS.

Kathy Griffin.

I find this story about Katie Holmes to be completely believable.

A nun wants her some of that Sister Act money.

With a comic book worth a couple of million dollars, it's no wonder Nic Cage has financial problems!

Anna Kournikova isn't helping people lose weight anymore.

Kelly Brook is the anti-teen girl role model. Seriously, ladies of all ages need to stop doing that.

This is exactly how I believe Leonardo DiCaprio spends his birthdays.

Some "actress" and her lawsuit against Amazon.com is getting nasty.

Those Kardashians really need to get over themselves.

Lady Gaga.

Madonna apparently forgot she's a mother.

I'd like to speak for the world here: NO ONE wants Courtney Love to perform topless.

NBC has hired another daughter of a former president.

So, Jesse James is still a jerk.

Brad Pitt says he's retiring from acting, just not on a specific date.

Jay-Z had a t-shirt scandal.

Jennifer Lopez might be dating a dancer.

Oprah, your honorary Oscar does not forgive your support of those stereotypical (and somewhat racist) Tyler Perry movies.

I like that Gwen Stefani and her son are dressed alike.

Justin Timberlake made good on his promise to go to the Marine Corps Ball.

I need Reese Witherspoon's home.

Zoe Saldana is single, fellas.

Stories like this make Melissa McCarthy even more lovable.

Some actress who I don't know is getting divorced.

This story from Adam Sandler is funny, but not so funny that I want to see Jack and Jill.

Love that Katy Perry is doing a free concert in a big venue for fans.

R. Kelly is just strange.

Why People Hate Jury Duty

2011-11-17T09:16:00.001-06:00

I feel confident in saying "people" and not "I" in the title. Why? Because I lost eight hours of my life to this tedious process.

First, I left my house at 7 a.m. in an attempt to get to the courthouse before my 8 a.m. call. That may not be a big deal to you, but it's HUGE to me. You see, I don't work a daytime schedule, so when I get home prime time television is over and all the late night shows are in full swing. By the time I went to sleep, it was around 2 a.m. I woke up at 6 a.m. so I could be a little less zombie-like. I get in the car and hit the highway, which looks like this.

Now, I fully believe the highway signs should not just warn of congestion. They should be more specific. Say something like "You're not getting anywhere soon" or "Enter if you want to reach a top speed of 15 MPH." It takes me three highways to get downtown and each one of them had traffic moving like someone installed traffic lights on them overnight. What should have taken no more than a half hour took one hour and 25 minutes.

Then, I find the parking garage my jury summons says the courthouse will validate. FULL. So, seeing as I'm 45 minutes late for jury duty, I figure a few more minutes won't be a big deal. I cruise some parking lots. FULL. Then, I find a parking garage a few blocks away, squeeze into the first spot I see, then walk to the courthouse. Thankfully, there's no punishment for being nearly an hour late. I sit down, listen to the lady giving instructions with what I can only assume are the same weekly punchlines provided to keep jurors who clearly don't watch any late night television (where the comedy actually happens) a giggle.

And so begins my wait. I brought a book. While the county generously provides free wi-fi, I found every time I put my device away, I had to log back in. As I looked around, I realized there are a lot of people who aren't at all afraid of sleeping in public.

I was trying to be discreet in my photo taking. That guy was actually snoring. I wish I would have recorded video because he was pretty loud. While many snickered, no one dared wake him. In between my picture taking, I decided to pace myself on my book reading because I was afraid I might finish and then I might have to make contact with my "peers."

By 3 p.m., everybody settled their differences to avoid the judgment of us potential jurors and we were sent home. I collected my things and walked back to the parking garage, where I paid $15. I only wish my $6 jury duty earnings would cover that!

The thing is, I really DO want to be on a jury! I have been summoned three times now and every time, the case has been settled. With all the time spent waiting, it almost seems like it would be better if the courts sent a summons to get people to show up and pre-approved them (get rid of the people who have excuses - legitimate, of course). Then, have those smaller pools of people show up when both sides are ready to choose a jury. Take a phone number, email, pager number (do people still use those?) and call the people the night before to tell them if they're still needed or not. But having hundreds of people sit around for nearly a full day can't be the most efficient way of doing things. It seems like the ONLY way of doing things. I wouldn't be surprised if I suggested this to the officials in charge that they'd respond with the typical government phrase, "It's how we've always done it." Get with it, jury selectors!

So Much Fun!

2011-11-14T11:10:00.000-06:00

I'm declaring this the year of the lady book! Just five months after reading Tina Fey's book (which taught me a few things and I still recommend if you haven't picked it up), I have finished Mindy Kaling's equally funny book.

Before I get into it, I want to be clear about something: I adore Mindy in a way that I want to sit next to her on the sofa while watching bad television and shopping online and eating cheese and drinking wine. I have previously noted how brilliant she is on Twitter. Don't go calling the police. I don't want to kidnap Mindy. I just want to keep peeking into her pretty, pink, shiny world. So, please understand my dilemma here. I want to gush about how much I loved this book without sounding like a creepy stalker or crazy person.

Now that I have this book, I can always reflect on how similar we actually are. For starters, she shared some photos of young Mindy - like this one on the back of the book.

Like Mindy, I am not afraid to share my young me pictures. Here's one:

Since I can't just post that without the back story, I'll tell you the short version. This was my curly hair before the awesome arsenal of products available now. My mom fixed my hair, then sent me to preschool for pictures. She told me something like, "Everything will be fine if they don't brush your hair." Of all the things my mom has told me, that has stuck with me - probably the best advice my mom has ever given me. Picture little me standing in line waiting for my picture. Then comes the teacher with a hair brush. Before I can say anything, she has put the brush to my hair (this was also in a time when parents didn't freak out about one hair brush being used on dozens of kids). I freak out. I scream. I cry. Then, I'm slid onto the little stool for my picture. You can't tell here, but in the original, you can actually see tears in my eyes. Can you also tell this was before Photoshop? I imagine school pictures now wipe away crazy hair and pimples (you kids these days are SO lucky!).

Back to Mindy.

She shares tails of failing. At work. At fashion. At skinniness. But none of it stops her. ARE YOU KIDS LISTENING? If you think success comes from a reality show, you are bound to fail and wind up one one of those "Whatever happened to..." reality shows before a stop at Dr. Drew's rehab spa. I know failure. My recovery time is apparently longer than Mindy's. That's why I'm here - blogging about nonsensical things - and not finishing that book I started writing.

Other highlights:

I seriously hope she's writing a screenplay called Crest Whitestrips. I would totally watch while wearing them. Plus, you'd get a happy ending - WHITE TEETH! Come on! What other movie could give you that?
I agree with Mindy on the one night stand thing. TRUE STORY: A super annoying intern started a blog and went into great detail about a one night stand. Maybe it was her bad writing or maybe it was because I knew her, but the second I read the words "I met this great guy," I knew it wouldn't end well. Then, I (anonymously) replied that if she was going to write about such things, she should make her blog anonymous. It was sad. It as predictable. And, unless she found some way to wipe that post from the internets forever, it might turn up in a really good search by a prospective employer. Won't catch me doing that - blogging about a one night stand because I don't do that.
You karaoke lovers need to take note of Mindy's chapter on this. Why? Because NO ONE wants to hear you tackle a seven minute song (with a four minute music piece in the middle - unless you're going to do a well-choreographed dance there). If karaoke clubs really cared, they'd edit those out to spare us from that moment.

I have one question for Mindy: What happened to Mavis? I hope these two have been reunited and that it does feel good to have a childhood friend back in the rotation. I had a few girls I was good friends with as a kid but haven't regained contact with - not even on Facebook. It's like they're gone. Or probably married with a new name that I don't know. I'M STILL ME! FIND ME, GIRLS!

I have just one complaint about this book. It uses a word I just don't like. The C word. Not that one. Crotch. It's just an awful sounding word. It sounds harsh. It's in this weird word mystery space - not medical, not sexy. Just ick.

One last thing. Even if you run out and buy this book (and I hope that you will), my copy is better than yours.

Yep. Autographed. I wish I could say that was from an in-person event where I said nothing but great things to Mindy, but it's not. I bought the book straight from her publisher and got that signed sticker to insert in my copy. I'm not complaining about that. Not even complaining that I paid full price for this book (no discount by the big bookstore, no coupon, no free shipping). Because this was worth it.

Mindy has scored a spot next to Tina Fey on my book shelf.

Using My Words

2011-11-13T12:15:00.000-06:00

Most days, I write.

Some days, it's a Facebook status update or a Tweet or two.

Some days, it's a blog post.

Many days, it's a news story.

I like writing. I'm lucky that I get paid to do it (though not for this - it's free and you're welcome, lurkers).

But something happened recently that made me think I need to do something to make what I write mean more. What if this was the very last thing I wrote? Like this:

Rapper Heavy D Tweeted that and then he died.

DEAD.

I don't mean he keeled over as soon as he sent that, but he died on November 9. That was the last thing he sent the world. Don't believe me? Look for yourself.

So, that made me realize how unprofound I am (and if that's not proper English, I don't care). Here are a sampling of some recent Tweets:

Yeah. Those could have been my last words. Don't go calling any suicide hot lines. I'm not planning on offing myself. In fact, I plan to be here for at least a few more decades (I am planning my muumuu future, after all). But something could have happened. That's how I would have been remembered.

I pledge to try to be a little more mindful of what I put out there because what's on the interwebs lives forever. I won't always be serious, but I will write what I mean. It's how I want to be remembered. I challenge all of you who read this go back and look at what you've written. I especially would like those of you who always post sad face comments on places like Facebook (I want to unfriend you, but don't want to have to hear that you got sad/angry about it) to think about what you've posted. Would you want it to be the last thing you put out there to be how you're remembered?

We all have a bad day and sometimes we just want people to tell us how great we are or that it will get better. But, please, go back and write an update so people know you're not standing some place really high about to take one final leap. And if that's where you are, ask for help. There's nothing worse than reading someone's final words and wondering what you could have done differently. It's what Heavy D would have wanted.

Week In Pop Culture

2011-11-11T11:00:00.000-06:00

Some days I feel like Suri Cruise.

Anderson Cooper's daytime show is sticking around a little longer.

I think we just want to believe this story about Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves.

Nicki Minaj may not be nice.

If you want to see which actress wore these, click here.

Stories like this make me really eager to get my hands on Diane Keaton's memoir.

Nia Long had a baby.

Mel Gibson may have gotten another woman pregnant.

Madonna kind of grosses me out.

All of you people following Ashton Kutcher on Twitter need to know this.

Rachael Ray wants you to see something.

Adam Levine singing to his Victoria's Secret model as she walked the runway seems like a match made by marketing.

Tori Spelling is showing off her daughter.

Piers Morgan is leaving his talent show to focus on his CNN show no one watches.

Tom Cruise is talking about Rock of Ages.

Morgan Freeman is getting a nice honor.

Rock Center doesn't need ratings, but I bet NBC affiliates would like it to not be their late news lead-in.

This is a creepy cookbook.

Robin Williams won't host the Oscars.

Ali Landry is showing off her baby boy.

I'm wowed by Kate Winslet's wax figure!

Dakota Fanning's ad for Marc Jacobs has been banned.

Here's what that kid from Jerry Maguire looks like now.

I'm a little disappointed in Beyonce's pregnancy craving.

Kids today could probably use their own Goonies.

I cannot believe how amazing Bill Murray has become.

Christie Brinkley is 57. Dammit.

I'd choose a side in this whole "should Kim Kardashian really be in your movie, Tyler Perry" battle, but I don't like Tyler Perry's work, so there.

Chaz Bono should do some ab work before posing shirtless.

Kelly Ripa is going to be Live for a few more years.

Absolutely Fabulous on the big screen could be fun.

The People's Choice Award nominees have been announced.

I might need Kate Winslet's makeup line.

A couple of things about Mariah Carey's weight loss: 1) she looks great; 2) I may follow her plan; 3) I want her to pay for my trainer; 4) her belly looks too smooth to not have been manipulated either by a surgeon or an amazing airbrusher.

A former MTV news guy is calling out Michael Jackson.

If Tina Fey ever wants another reality show-filled break, she can come hang with me.

Remember Oprah? She does have some favorite things (but she's not sending me any of them). Also, I'd like her to put those away.

Chelsea Handler is single.

I don't think I'll get tired of watching this.

Quiet Ryan - watch more funny videos

I will pass on celebrity-inspired Cabbage Patch Kids.

If you can handle Matthew McConaughey shirtless a lot, click here.

Thankfully, Brett Ratner's jerkiness was not without punishment. And now we know where Eddie Murphy stands. The Academy has replaced Ratner. And Billy Crystal will host again!

Have I told you lately that I adore Emma Stone?

Britney Spears's little sister is singing now.

Of all the reasons to fine Larry Crowne (like, not being good for one), this seems a little silly.

This does not sound like a good idea, ABC.

I totally see Robert DeNiro as Bernie Madoff.

Johnny Depp has moved back to the USA.

Rebecca Romijn has twins (not pictured).

The world probably doesn't need a Where's Waldo? movie, but it will get one anyway.

I don't know how this series will work on NBC.

Adele is on the road to recovery!

Part of my likes that celebrities are all about dark roots. The other part of me wishes they'd be more about random gray hairs.

Matthew Fox is now suing that lady he allegedly punched in the lady bits.

Carrie Fischer lost 50 pounds.

I'm finally getting on board with Anne Hathaway's Catwoman.

I cannot wait to see this video with Nicki Minaj and Willow Smith!

I can kind of see this actress as Princess Diana.

Cyndi Lauper should not have done this.

I really hope someone explained to Justin Bieber how paternity tests worked (and by "explained," I mean I hope they let him watch a few episodes of Maury Povich).

Kirstie Alley still looks good.

Avril Lavigne was in a fight.

Kelly Osbourne suffered a nasty accident.

Streaking happened at the MTV EMAs.

I'm pretty sure four hours in jail won't put Lindsay Lohan on the right path. And this does not sound like the "Lindsay Lohan is totally employable" news she wanted. Unless she wants more work like this.

Andy Williams has cancer.

Kim Kardashian is allegedly so distraught over her divorce, she won't film any more episodes of her reality show this year.

This BBC miniseries sounds interesting.

Hillary Swank can't catch a break.

It does not look like Bill Cosby enjoys getting flashed.

While I like some of these people, their bad choice of work justifies their ranking on this list.

Jennifer Lopez is proving that point with this movie.

Rest in peace, Andy Rooney.

And Joe Frazier.

Also Heavy D.

And Bil Keane.

Let's Get Real

2011-11-09T12:30:00.000-06:00

I am just old enough to remember when reality television was real.

These seven strangers picked to live in a New York loft and find out what happens when people stop being strangers and start getting real (or something like that - I am also just old enough that I can't remember everything anymore). Their drama was REAL. They said things spontaneously and sometimes regretted them. They realized that what they were doing was an experiment. Now, the networks might as well just call them "reality" shows. Because they're not real.

I fully expect some pretty people who don't have anything else to do (besides shop and talk about how rich they are) would need some guidance from producers trying to find a few episodes out of months of filming. Don't believe those Real Housewives really throw all those parties when there aren't cameras around. They're hardly paying for any of that! And those MTV brats on shows like The Real World and Jersey Shore are given bottles of booze and hot tubs (and condoms, I hope) to encourage bad behavior. I wouldn't be surprised if they don't have writers to give them snappy comebacks in their "confessionals."

But here's why I know these shows shouldn't be able to call themselves reality:

Phaedra, the lady in the back row wearing the peach dress has said so.

"At the end of the day, when people watch the show, they realize it's for entertainment," Parks told Atlanta radio host Rodney Ho. "Once [filming] is on the editing table, it might look like something else. That's part of reality TV. Everything on reality TV isn't as real as you think it is. I try to live without regrets."

Understanding that she isn't the only person misrepresented on television, the reality star added, "It doesn't matter who you are. Whatever your character is, is what they make it to be. It's not who I am, but who the producers think I am."

So, when they're fighting and talking about each other behind their backs then pretending to like each other on their next forced outing, know that all of that is for TV. I love the Housewives franchise, but I just don't believe any of those ladies like each other. I don't think it's the fame that splits them. I think they just weren't friends to begin with. Also, they all see each other as competition - for the next silly song crazy people will want to be their ringtone, a shot on some other reality show or they actually think they deserve a chance to act in a fully-scripted TV show/movie/play.

Another example comes from the queen of family promotion, Kris Jenner. This is a lady who would probably like to un-menopause herself so she could have a few more kids she could force onto the world. Instead, she practically commands her adult children to get married and have ~~dollar bills~~ babies.

I am ashamed to admit I have watched a few episodes of her family's show (would you believe I was temporarily paralyzed and unable to reach my remote to change the channel?). I fully believe the ONLY one of these Kardashians not acting is Khloe The Amazon. She calls everyone on their shenanigans and isn't afraid to be unpretty.

Still, Momma Kris doesn't want you to think what you're watching is real.

"People really don't know the true story, so you have a lot of people making assumptions and judging us unfairly at times. And people really need to listen and just be patient and wait for everything to reveal itself."

OK. That isn't a full denial that their reality is fake. It's almost like a tease to buy her book and wait for the new season of one of their shows. But, seriously, when you put on a big multi-million dollar wedding and the marriage only lasts 72 days, you can't expect people not to question your motives. When you put all your business out there like a Kardashian, people will judge you - and they won't be nice about it. Suck it up or stop putting your personal stuff out there.

These silly shows should come with a disclaimer that what you're watching is not 100% real. Not because it would make me feel better, but because it would make people who become fully invested in these shows understand that what they're watching is ALL made for TV. That's the real truth.

Week In Pop Culture

2011-11-04T11:00:00.000-05:00

I'm starting a rumor that Eva Longoria is trying to steal Victoria Beckham's baby. Here's the proof:

Here's why people shouldn't be excited about all the celebrities on Twitter.

Nia Vardalos is getting a TV show.

I'm pretty sure I don't want to smell like Madonna.

Oh. Now I know why Olivia Munn is famous.

Vivica A. Fox is no longer engaged.

Keith Urban is having throat surgery.

That Survivor guy's cancer has returned.

Um, Lady Gaga, what? And please don't dress like a turkey on Thanksgiving.

Sensitive celebrities will have to act REALLY hard to not be upset with Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globe awards show.

I don't know if this actress could have pulled off The Notebook.

Just one year until James Bond returns! Also, here's the new Bond girl.

Stories like this don't make me change my opinion of James Franco.

Stanley Tucci is engaged to Emily Blunt's sister.

Jon Bon Jovi is selling his Big Apple home.

Eddie Murphy doesn't drink. More for me!

A weight loss drug contributed to that Police Academy star's death.

Beyonce baby bump update!

I think this alleged relationship is creepy.

Drug testers scared Serena Williams - and she ran to her panic room.

Lindsay Lohan is going to jail.

I'm starting a petition to get Melanie Griffith to eat a burger.

Chris Martin isn't breaking any Jay-Z news.

A couple of divorcees appear to be back together.

I'm surprised it took this long for a Justin Bieber paternity suit.

While I'm not happy Regis is leaving daytime TV, I like the first temporary replacement host.

I don't know anything about this movie, but I'll see it based on this picture.

Queen Latifah has a new gig.

Fellas, Zoey Deschanel is available.

Chris Brown doesn't know the difference between sexy and creepy.

Selma Blair has a good attitude on the paparazzi.

Hugh Grant has a baby girl.

Gisele Bundchen is a little strange.

Ashton Kutcher does not seem serious about saving his marriage.

Britney Spears did a naughty dance for a Jonas brother.

Ladies, no one will notice your Botox if you do this:

If famous ladies (or even kind of famous ladies) would stop doing this, maybe regular girls would stop, too.

Rihanna had to cancel some performances because she was sick.

Sir Roger Moore isn't a fan of the Other Bonds.

I'm not surprised Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce. I'm surprised the marriage lasted 72 days.

And if her mother could have saved Nicole Brown Simpson, why didn't she?

Steven Tyler's still rockin' after his mishap.

Britney Spears' tour rider sounds silly.

I can't tell if Bette Midler is being serious or silly about Lady Gaga.

Jimmy Kimmel is hosting nerd prom.

I'd be interested in hearing what kind of music these two could make.

Hey! It's Joan Van Ark!

I don't know who's trying to pass herself off as a nearly-nude Taylor Swift, but she should stop.

Get ready for new music from the late Amy Winehouse.

Lady Gaga's microphone isn't appropriate for all performances.

That mishap on The Expendables set turned deadly.

Janice Dickinson was the original supermodel.

I'm not sure we need to reboot In Living Color.

Marie Osmond is feeling better.

Now, for some celebrity Halloween costumes:

Taylor Swift gave her parents a very nice gift.

Lindsay Lohan bought new teeth.

Susan Sarandon's daughter is married.

I guess since no one's willing to pay her for alleged baby news, Jessica Simpson's going to do things like this in public. So, she made it official.

This news has me cheering the economy.

Here's how you stay George Clooney's ex-girlfriend.

Oh, Ricki Lake! Don't do this anymore!

If people keep paying Arnold Schwarzenegger to make action movies, he'll do them.

Poor Adele!

I love these!

Patton Oswalt speaks for me here.

Mario Cantone is married.

Sandra Bullock's son is one lucky boy.

Rest in peace, Leonard Stone.

TUMS, You're A Creeper

2011-11-03T11:02:00.000-05:00

These little chewable tablets promise to settle your tummy. They might work, I can't remember taking them.

But what they are doing lately is unsettling.

TUMS has rolled out a handful of ads that don't make my stomach feel good. In fact, I think they're not even talking about food and its tummy gurgling effects.

Don't believe me?

Take a look.

Here's Exhibit A:

Not enough?Exhibit B:

Still not grossed out?Exhibit C:

Some of you might think this whole "food trying to tell you not to eat unless you have TUMS handy" is cute - that's because you're a bunch of sickos.

The rest of you understand that this is not REALLY about food. The people behind this ad campaign are naughty. I rewatched Bridesmaids and Kristen Wiig's character talking about how she spent the night (oh, how to put this in a way that is descriptive without being graphic?) dodging her bed buddy's bits and pieces as they kept being put in her face reminded me just how disgusting these ads are.

Subtle, yes. In fact, I bet if these ads aired in any other less-prudish country, they'd probably slow down the food slaps to the face and put some sexy time music in the background. But these ads don't make me want TUMS. They make me want a shower. While all I know about how the advertising industry works comes from Mad Men, I'd say that's not mission accomplished. Unless TUMS makes soap, in which case I really need to know what brand so I don't buy it.