Burning Question

I had another strange dream. I was on some sort of game show where the final question was so tough, I cracked under the pressure. I really wanted the billion dollars (my dream, my jackpot - don't tell me it can't happen). But I just couldn't decide. So here was the question:

Who's hotter: vampires or werewolves?

At first, I thought vampires. I mean, have you seen some of them?

But, then, I thought of the super pale - almost translucent - skin. And the blood.

Also, I remembered the werewolves.

Also, they're really warm - and it's almost winter. So I thought the cold vampires would be the wrong choice. Just as I was about to shout "Werewolves!" I had no voice. Nothing came out. I heard the buzzer. I lost a billion dollars. I thought too long about this silly question. Why couldn't it have been one of these against zombies?

There's nothing hot about zombies.

NOTE: I'm trying to figure out what I did before bed time to have such a strange dream.

Make It End

I wasted two and a half hours of my life this afternoon watching a movie from my sofa.

I loved the series. I was lukewarm about the first movie. So, when the sequel was released, I decided I'd skip the theater. Even though I thought the first movie kind of wrapped up the series, I just couldn't imagine the second movie making me fall back in love with these ladies.

I found them a little sad in the first movie - not just because Carrie spends much of it moping. Let's face it. These ladies have it all, they just don't appreciate it. How sorry can one feel for ladies who never have to choose between a new pair of Louboutins or food?

Warning: this could be a bit spoilery. Stop reading NOW if you haven't seen the movie!

Still, I decided to watch the second movie - skeptically microwaving popcorn while the rental DVD forced me to watch previews for even more ridiculous chick flicks (seriously, why can't I forward through these?). I flinched as Liza Minelli butchered "Single Ladies." I rolled my eyes when Samantha pulled out a box of pills and explained she was reversing menopause with help from Suzanne Somers. I let the fashionable ladies slide for a while with their complaints about the new UAE and its old ways of treating (or mistreating) women. But after an hour and a half, I had enough. Here was what broke me:

Lawrence of my labia.

This whole "let's make everything punny so we can avoid actually writing good dialogue" business made me feel like a sucker. Still, I decided to see it through. Singing "I Am Woman" in a karaoke bar - ugh. Wait. Mere seconds later, a super hot guy comes over and introduces himself as Rikard Spirit. Samantha responds with "Dick Spirit." He asks, "Could you be any more American?" Oh, yes. Yes, she could. She is so stereotypically American that I see one more reason for al Qaeda to hate us.

There's more.

Carrie's new book about marriage was reviewed by The New Yorker, which included a drawing of her with tape over her mouth. I only wish I could have done the at-home equivalent and pushed eject on my DVD player. No. I had to see this whole mess out. Even when Carrie said she was having a "mid-wife crisis," I sat on my hands to keep them from reaching for the remote.

And, can I just ask, who leaves for a week-long vacation and can't pack to return home in an hour? Yes, I get that these ladies had multiple changes, but the shoes alone had to have been stashed in the largest of Louis Vuitton vintage bags! The excess displayed during this film was beyond dreamy. It was offensive. These ladies aren't young anymore! I doubt The Golden Girls would have used a quarter of the luggage for a month-long old lady cruise. You know something? They would have also brought the funny - something these four New York girls seem to have lost in the translation from small screen to big screen.

I hope that the final scene, where Carrie and Big are watching an old black and white movie that closes with "The End" is the true end of this nonsense. I won't give a third movie space in my Netflix queue. I might not even look for it on HBO.

Yes, I'm late to the game on this movie. But, you know what? I don't feel like I've missed anything. Not even these four ladies. They can keep their estrogen cream. I'll take a movie that doesn't make me cranky.

Week In Pop Culture

So, this is what 65 is like?

Dexter gets another season to kill.

I guess these two really are a couple.

Anyone else think that Three Stooges movie is destined to be bad?

An Inception video game would definitely give me strange dreams.

Look who Nicole Kidman wants to marry off.

That Muppets movie sounds better each month!

Sarah Jessica Parker says she won't have plastic surgery.

Who knew I had so much in common with Matt Damon?

Grammy (the only music awards show that actually means something) Awards nominees were announced this week.

The Queen of Soul had mystery surgery.

There will be no more Jolie Pitts.

No acting gig on the horizon - time for the pokey!

You can't peddle cheesecakes and work for a weight loss company.

Larry King has a kind of surprising post-CNN plan.

Heather Locklear has been in the hospital.

Did Bristol Palin's mama force her to do Dancing With The Stars?

Britney's first ex-husband is making claims about her that she's denied.

What is Beyonce doing modeling with my fresh-out-of-bed hair?

Entertainment Weekly likes its entertainers screechy.

When will young starlets learn to stop taking naked photos of themselves (allegedly)?

I want to be Ryan Seacrest - only taller.

I could care about Boyz II Men allegedly lip synching if we were in 1992.

Natalie Portman's dedication to Black Swan amazes me.

I'm considering moving to Australia.

Another actress is getting a divorce.

I don't care how many changes they make, I will not watch CBS's Early Show.

This story about Angelina Jolie doesn't surprise me.

I don't know about this.

Some things never change.

A football player is engaged to a model. Prediction: divorce by 2012.

This mishap convinces me: Susan Boyle needs hugs.

Reese Witherspoon can act. I don't know why she has to talk about this stuff.

A super cute talk show host with a not-so-exciting show had emergency surgery.

ZOMG! This could make DWTS so much fun!

Not sure how I feel about this upcoming TV series.

The sequel to the Star Trek movie is on its way.

How did this make a best dressed list?

I spy the next candidate for Dr. Drew's "Celebrity Rehab."

The Kardashians want out of this deal.

Seriously. Stop the Kardashian Train! I WANT TO GET OFF! PS - Don't be dirty.

America has not seen the last of Bristol Palin.

Like tacky costume jewelry? Mariah Carey has something for you!

Moments like this make me wish I could watch "Live With Regis & Kelly."

This is a strange addition to the terror advisory list. Or not.

If the rumors are true, this year's Academy Awards will be different. Wait. They are true.

Wow! Julia Roberts made bank for a shoot in which she didn't say a word.

This super-stylish boy got a mani and a pedi.

I had no idea how crazy people are for James Franco.

A handful of celebrities are going off the grid for a good cause. And it looks like my holiday wish may be granted!

Barbara Walters is proving once again that she's easily fascinated.

Is this why Tom Brady has had that horrible Bieberesque hairstyle?

I hope this is a sign Michael Douglas is really getting better.

If Eva Longoria says yes to this, I will lose whatever respect I have for her.

This couple is still trying to keep things quiet.

This is what happens when Kim Kardashian skips the gym for two months.

Why are officers still arresting Willie Nelson for pot? That's like shooting fish in a barrel.

I can't even imagine what this duet would sound like.

Here's how a couple of single girls spent Thanksgiving.

You don't have to be smart to be Miss Universe.

Now I'm interested in that royal wedding.

Winona Ryder wanted to be friends with Angelina Jolie. And she had an unusual choice of words for her romantic life.

Rest in peace, Leslie Nielsen.

Brothers?

This week, I saw this picture of future House Speaker John Boehner.

I kept thinking he looked familiar. I had seen that face somewhere else. Maybe it was a little less orange.

Then, it hit me.

Sorry, Pee Wee. I saw a similarity. I like you more. Much more.

Unless I see Boehner dance in white shoes. Then, it could be a tie.

Lessons In Language

Since I have spent my entire adult life in a TV newsroom, I have learned many lessons (patience is still not one of them). I learned a new writing tip this week and it reminded me of one early in my career that has stuck with me. I've recruited my friend, Bart Simpson, to illustrate these tips.

I don't remember the actual story - or even if I was the one writing it - but I do remember this lesson well. My 70-something news director/anchor decided to give us a lesson on how to use hang. It went like this:

A person is hanged. Hung refers to a male's anatomy.

I remember standing there with at least one co-worker and watching the senior man walk away. I have never said that a person was hung (well, not in a news story) since then. I say "hanged." I cannot get that story out of my head when that word comes up. It doesn't come up often, as suicides are not generally news. That tip is a freebie!


The other language lesson came this week.

I was called into the boss's office and asked to read through one newscast. My specific assignment: find and destroy all uses of the word "multiple." I responded with, "Yeah. That word is not specific. It's cop speak. It doesn't add anything." What I heard next made me laugh out loud.

The only time I want to see that word in a script is if it's followed by the word "orgasms."

VERY good point. Also, not likely to happen in a script - unless it's during ratings. I spent that day whispering "multiple" in my best Brick voice. I am happy to report that I only found that word use once in the newscast. I kind of hope the boss would put what he told me in a memo. Maybe fewer people would use it. Instead, I share it with you people here.

You're welcome.

I'm Already Packing My Candy

Since it's December and people are all happy about it (have you heard the holiday music and the "happy holidays" business?), I decided this month, I will focus on the movies hitting theaters this month that I actually want to see. Here goes...

Black Swan

I love everything about this trailer! It is beautiful and dark - one of my favorite movie combinations! Cannot wait to see this one!

The Tourist

I love Angelina Jolie in an action film. Johnny Depp, well, I love him in just about everything. I probably won't see this one in the theater, but I will definitely add it to my Netflix queue (still under 400, if you're keeping tabs).

The Company Men

After seeing The Town, I forgave Ben Affleck for a string of horrible movies (worst of the worst: Gigli). I liked Up In The Air, so I think this one could make me appreciate what I have - or decide to throw in the towel and start over (not likely unless I win the lottery).

The Fighter

This looks to be Mark Wahlberg's best movie since Boogie Nights. And Christian Bale's super skinny self - Oscar material. I like the idea of those two playing brothers. And I like a movie that is sure to make me flinch. I always flinch when I watch boxing. I've never been hit in the face, but I can imagine that it hurts a lot and for days. Note: please don't punch me in the face to test this.


How Do You Know

It's possible I just like the idea of Reese Witherspoon and Paul Rudd in a movie together more than I will actually like this movie. Still, I might check out a matinee - if I'm bored and willing to hate myself later.

Rabbit Hole

I might be willing to give Nicole Kidman another chance. You see, I have been unable to watch her over the last few years because her face has been frozen - no emotion. But this trailer is making me reconsider her. I see movement. And I sometimes get a little weepy over the holidays and this would give me an excuse to shed tears in public. Confession: sometimes I do that.


Casino Jack

This is really more of a maybe for me. I have missed Barry Pepper. This could be a matinee. And if I miss it, it will slide into my Netflix queue.

Little Fockers

I was initially leaning towards no, but I realized the holidays are also about seeing movies that don't make you think. This will be totally predictable and silly. I can do that.

True Grit

Coen brothers? Check. Matt Damon? Check. Also: mustaches. Lots and LOTS of mustaches!

Country Strong

I was originally opposed to this. Then, I saw Gwyneth on Glee. But, I have a feeling I've seen this before - like last year when I saw Crazy Heart. I might see this because I'm pretty sure Gwyneth will get an Oscar nomination and I really want to know if she deserves it.

Blue Valentine

This is my kind of romantic film - tragic. I want a little bit of reality in my romance films. I also like the casting here.

And here's the other half of the list.

Not Interested:

• All Good Things
• I Love You Phillip Morris
• Night Catches Us
• The Warrior's Way
• Meskada
• The Tempest
• The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of The Dawn Treader
• TRON: Legacy
• Yogi Bear
• Frankie and Alice
• Gullivers Travels
  
  

I Love Google

Not in a "I want to marry Google" kind of way, but in an "I am inspired by their creativity" way. In fact, I am going to start documenting their creativity here. Before you ask, this is not because I'm afraid I'm running out of topics to discuss here. Here are a few examples of their fun/educational tricks.

This was the home page image on October 8th. It was in the memory of John Lennon, who would have turned 70. They even made this Google doodle.


This piece appeared October 21st.

I love the poppy art work with the featured guy forming the "G" in Google. Oh, and that guy? Dizzy Gillespie. Google chose to honor what would have been his 93rd birthday.

They love Halloween so much, they made multiple images!

I'm a little surprised to see a whole lot of Scooby Doo and the gang and not a single mention of Charlie Brown's search for The Great Pumpkin.

If not for this...

I wouldn't know that the x-ray had been around 115 years.

I have no idea how Google knew it was so murky I couldn't see the sun on Veteran's Day,

but they did.

Thanks to Google, I clicked on this image...

and learned this was to celebrate what would have been the 160th birthday of Robert Louis Stevenson.

And finally... I feel much love for Google because it seems to love its employees. This news sure beats any holiday bonus my employer has ever handed down.

I'm sure you know what this one means.

I was a little confused about why it appeared two days before Thanksgiving until I clicked on it and was lead to this page.

Wednesday, they offered up this image which led to this recipe.

And it wasn't until Thursday that I realized you could spell Google with food.

Apparently, I'm not observant. For two days, they subtly used food to be the "oo" in Google. I stared at this image for a minute before I was able to read Google out of that yummy display. It also included links to many recipes. GOOGLE. You people are smart!

Please Don't

In the last couple of years, I have rediscovered my love of reading. I like a good memoir - political, historical or celebrity. But I have stumbled upon a few recently that I cannot believe have actually wound up on bookshelves. This is the first one that made me a bit ragey:

First of all, putting that book in the humor section is an insult to the books that deserve to be there (Garfield and Jon Stewart are likely trying to bump that book right off the table). Second, you don't need to even pick up the book to know that you stand a VERY good chance at getting an STD from it. Third, if you're buying this book and reading it, you're a douchebag who's also a loser. If you need tips from a guy who is only able to hook up with a different girl every night because he's on TV, you need to take a good look at yourself. Or apply for one of those reality shows and hope you get to take The Situation's 15 minutes of fame. I think he's at the 14:35 mark.

Are you pre-ordering this book?

You are most definitely in need of a break from television. And I don't care if you're buying this as you wait for your fake tan to settle in, you cannot tell me you honestly believe a girl who calls herself "Snooki" can write a book. I don't doubt that she can read (those TV contracts are complicated and she seems to be making good cash). I've seen clips of her and have heard enough to know that she can barely put together a sentence, so a 304 page book? PUHLEAZE.

And, REALLY America?

You want a book that has a huge spelling error on the cover? And what could they possibly tell you that you don't already know? These girls keep nothing to themselves! One of them got a bikini wax from her sister on their reality show. They get into great detail on their other lady business. Also, not a week goes by that I don't have one of these ladies on a magazine in my mailbox. The only way they could reveal something is if they all said they have wieners. Otherwise, just watch E!, people. It'll save you money and time.

I almost get this.

Young girls will collect anything with their favorite pop star on it. But I think money would be better spent on these toys than on a book that has everything every Bieber fan would already know. He's just 16! What kind of life has he lived? A quick Google search turned up this article (for free) that is most likely a peek into his 240 page book. I just took a quick look at his book online. It's like reading his Twitter feed and seeing lots of pictures from his tour. I suppose it's a good collectible gift for a young fan. But, girls, if you're expecting to get something new out of this, you'll be disappointed. Wait until he's old, like, in his 20s, and has some real stories to tell. I hope by then he turns his haircut around.

So, friends, if you're looking for something to get me this holiday season, please don't buy me a book written by a pop star or reality show person (refuse to call them a star). It will either be returned to the store for an actual book I want or will be left in a public place for someone else to pick up and haul around.

Itty Bitty Ridiculous

I spent some time this holiday weekend watching television (excuses: it was chilly outside, I didn't want to stab some grabby holiday shopper, I had a rough Thanksgiving) and stumbled upon a silly commercial.

You know how hard it is to get out of a car with your umbrella and try to stay dry?

Sorry. This is the closest photo I could find of someone doing that.

This commercial showed a woman with a giant umbrella and pouring rain outside her car. The door got wet (and there was an "Ugh. I hate that!" uttered) and so did she. So, I'm thinking this new invention could be a MUST HAVE. Then I saw it.

That's the itty bitty brella.

Good: it's so small, you can open it inside your car.
Bad: it's so small, it will cover your head, leaving the rest of you all wet.

I don't know about you, but I find the whole "putting on the rain slicker in the car" thing to be more challenging than opening an umbrella in the car. But this is not the silliest way to protect just your hair from showers. Take a look at this other contraption.

That's nubrella.

Good: it's hands-free and could be used at Halloween as part of your Lady GaGa costume.
Bad: it's only protecting your head and shoulders and if it's a summer rainstorm, you'll sweat to death.

These two inventions have the right idea - keeping us dry - but they don't seem to do it well. I'll stick to my super cool umbrella from Squid London.

It changes color in the rain! Mine is not the London skyline, but it's just as cool! And you know what? It keeps most of me dry!