I'm Not Old Enough For This!

I know I'm not as young as I used to be. I feel it when I get out of bed in the morning. I see it when I look in the mirror. Now, it seems my mailbox is beginning to be assaulted by my not-quite-elderly condition.

Without solicitation, I received a free trial offer for this magazine.

Redbook.

I've always thought of it as the magazine for ladies who were too old for sassier, fashion-heavy magazines. When I say "too old," I mean the menopausal set.

But this was free.

Why not take a peek?

As I flip past all the pages advertising skin care products promising to make a lady stop aging in its tracks, I see things like this.

Tori Spelling is offering crafty tips on these pages.

WHAT THE DONNA MARTIN?!?!

I know it's been a while since she was on 90210 and that she's into things like this when not busy with her children and her reality show, but come on! If people want to learn to give a chair a makeover, they're on Pinterest. In fact, I've probably pinned something like this knowing I'll NEVER do it. Because I'm not crafty. Yet.

Now this is EXACTLY what I expected to see in this magazine.

This lovely gray-haired lady wrote about not coloring her hair. I've been in a war with pigment-challenged hair for about a decade now. As pretty as her hair is (and my mom has done the same thing so maybe this magazine really IS for people her age), I'm not ditching the dye.

It may be my last stand against aging, but I'm not giving up until every single hair follicle has had the color (dark brown, I think) knocked out of it for good!

And then there's this broad, a model/actress who can afford a trainer (both financially and with hours to dedicate to working out) telling me what 40 will be like.

Right.

I'm not afraid to turn 40. I'm just not sure I need someone who pretty much had it going on before the big 4-0 telling me how great things are. If I had millions of dollars and a team of people to make me look as good as Rebecca Romijn, I'd celebrate every day. Naked. In public. NOTE: If I win the lottery, none of you can hold me to this.

So which is it, Redbook? Do you want me to be fit and healthy or do you want me to get crafty in the kitchen with ice cream?

I'm so confused.

I'm also pretty sure NO ONE ever says, "I wish I could find a new way to love ice cream." If they do, they're probably lactose-intolerant and shouldn't try any of these "new and improved" ice cream recipes.

I admit that I stared at this page a little longer than usual because I saw it after I returned home from the gym. I just looked at it. I did not rush out and buy any of the things needed to make these dishes.

I did linger here a bit.

I don't like camping because I've had some traumatic bug experiences. It's also very hot and I can't sleep like that. I also fear being attacked by a serial killer - or even just a regular old killer - while snoozing in a tent. It happens. I don't have the stats for it, but just google "murdered while camping" and see what happens. I just did it and saw more than 1.4 million results! See? I'm not making things up! I hope this doesn't get the government's attention. I was just curious and not plotting a crime.

One of the entries that got my attention was a mention of Marfa, Texas. I've wanted to make the trip to see the lights and this quirky little town in the middle of nowhere for a while. They mentioned a place where you can stay in a vintage trailer. I looked it up. They're super cute. They have their own bathrooms and real beds. I'm sure there are other cool places to stay there, I just haven't looked them up. Now I'm seriously considering waiting until the weather is nicer and making the trip. I could still be murdered, but I'm a little less scared of this in a trailer vs. a tent. I think.

So, dear Redbook, you don't have to keep sending me your magazine. I'm out. It makes me feel old. I don't need this from a magazine. I need to feel like I'm not in the same demographic as my mother. Because I'm not.