So We're Doing Jorts Again?

I was cruising Pinterest this weekend and spied a trend that I thought we were over.

JORTS.

And they're not just plain ol' denim shorts. They're the kind that could do more than provide a break from the heat. Here are a few that made me gasp.

The Lacy Jorts
These look like you're wearing old lady lace bloomers and they're trying to escape.

The whole doily thing is just hard to get past. It's VERY grandma-influenced (if grandma would allow you to leave the house in shorts that short). It also seems like you'd start to feel something was trying to crawl into your shorts every time that lace business would touch your legs. And when you say, "I thought something was crawling on my leg" when there's clearly nothing there, people will probably ask if you've taken your medication.

While this picture shows off a nice booty, I get the feeling these shorts would just invite camel toe. NOBODY needs to see that!

The Escaping Pockets

How do you know your shorts are too short? When your pockets look like they're trying to make a run from them.

That's not even a joke. Think of what this will look like if you have to put something in your pockets. They'd turn into some sort of lumpy bag. Not exactly what you want at the top of your thighs - even if you have legs like this girl.

Your Mom's Look From The 80s
For those of you who haven't gone back to look at pictures of your mom from the 80s (or those of you who wore these in the 80s and hoped you'd never see these again), you might remember the SNL "Mom Jeans" skit. Who knew in 2013 people would demand a long wide backside?

This Madonna-esque bustier (which is totally not practical unless you're wearing this outfit as a costume - even then, you should be prepared for a wardrobe malfunction) with the incredible high waisted and super short shorts looks like a bathing suit gone wrong. I didn't see a back picture, but just looking at the front, it appears that there's a butt cheek situation happening here. And if you dare to wear these in public, just know that if you drop something, don't bend at the waist unless you want to show the world what your gynecologist sees each year.

The Working Girl's Look From The 80s
It's not that I can't support the oldest profession, it's that shorts cut the same way as full-coverage underwear are a horrible idea.

And the fringe? Who is THAT fooling? It's not minimizing the large butt. It's not maximizing the small butt. It's almost like the shorts are saying, "You REALLY need more material so we'll try to grow as fast as we can to get there."

Side note: I'm now wondering if all clothing talks or it's just the strange things I see online?


Insulting The American Flag
When Betsy Ross sewed the first flag, I am almost certain this was NOT what she had in mind. (and, no, I was not around when she did it so this is not first-hand knowledge).

This girl is really cute in her tiny shorts, but should you really be sitting on USA? Should stars and stripes really be sprouting from your genitals? Seems awfully unpatriotic.

Oh, and you should also know that if you try to do this yourself, this is a better representation of what you'll look like.

I admire this lady's non-shy and regular girl (dimply) legs (though I did notice you don't see her face). Still this doesn't even look comfortable. And it looks VERY camel toe-friendly.

Just because you're crafty, you don't have to tackle these looks. Really. You can toss out the old jeans or try some of these other uses for them. But please, for the love of God, don't do these in public unless you'll agree right now to let me post a picture of you when I spy you in public. I'll do it anyway, but you should just know that it'll happen.

I love Pinterest, but these looks make me think it's a big prank. This is why I use it mostly for saving pictures of cute animals and recipes and spying looks like these that leave me saying, "Um, whaaaaaat?!?!?"

Spicing Things Up

It's really easy to surf Pinterest and get caught up admiring and repinning pretty pictures of do-it-yourself projects. It takes more than a little bit of effort to actually take on a task - or to go off in search of one of your own (especially if you're not crafty and consider dabbling in the kitchen enough to call yourself a decent cook). Since I successfully made pickles with a recipe I pinned, I thought I could take on jalapenos.

I mentioned this to a friendly co-worker (who happens to be a home gardener) and he volunteered to pluck peppers from his backyard if I'd give him a few jars. I accepted the challenge.

When I saw a nearly full bag of jalapenos I thought I might have bitten off more than I could chew. Literally. Because I said I would pickle them, I had already committed to it. There was no backing out. I gathered all the things I could need for the task.

Those pink things are life savers: gloves. If you've never cut a few peppers, then rubbed your eyes and thought you might be permanently blind, take my advice - WEAR GLOVES WHEN YOU'RE HANDLING PEPPERS. Even if you don't think they're spicy, peppers will kill you. Well, maybe not kill you but they could make you wish for death.

I decided to slice them so I could use them to pile on my food. I don't have a hole lot of use for whole peppers.

Then, I put them in a jar that had a few sliced carrots, onion and garlic.

Then, I made small batches of pickling juice (probably not the right term, but it's what I'm going with) based on a recipe I found online. I can't remember the site, but here's the mix:

One teaspoon of salt with each cup of vinegar. Heat to a simmer, pour over peppers, then close the jar and store in the refrigerator.

I let them sit for one week to soften up the peppers, then I put a few slices on some nachos.

They tasted really good! The peppers were hotter than I thought they'd be, so I only managed to eat four before I picked them off so I could enjoy the rest of my snack.

This may be the easiest thing ever! I'm putting whole peppers from my backyard in the jar I finished to see if I can pickle those. If you do whole peppers, you're supposed to slice into them so the entire pepper can be pickled. Do that carefully!

Salad In A Jar

I think this was one of the first things I pinned on Pinterest. I like salads, but I don't have them at home very often. I buy the materials, get them home, make one awesome salad, then put everything away. In a few days, the lettuce is all brown and gooey (seriously, why does this happen?) and I wind up throwing everything out. It makes me sad and a little angry to have wasted food and money like that.

It took a few months, but I finally bought some mason jars and decided to give it a try.

The instructions say to put your dressing in the bottom of the jar, then start layering - things like carrots, peppers, cabbage, celery - are recommended to go in next. I dropped a few sliced tomatoes in because I like that they take on the flavor of the vinaigrette I used. Then, stuff the lettuce in the jar and seal it. The original poster said these would last for a week. I was skeptical but thought if this works, it is one of the smartest things I've found on the Internet in a while.

This was a salad I dumped out of the jar and onto a plate six days after I packed it. It was still crunchy, crisp and tasty! I ate the jarred salads I took to work right out of the container. Every day, it was like I had just made that salad!

I suppose it's something about the air tight seal on the jars. When I assemble salads in a plastic container, they never last this long. So now, I'll be packing salads to have ready to eat whenever I want. I'm sure I'll test just how long you can go before these salads go bad. I did find that seeing those pretty salads in a jar made me want them more than if I had all the ingredients in a drawer in my refrigerator. I also wanted them more than when I know a plastic container has a salad already made. Maybe it's the novelty of something new? Whatever. My salads in a jar are way cheaper than buying a salad from a restaurant. Plus, I get to use my favorite dressings instead of whatever's available. SCORE!