People Will Buy ANYTHING

I have lived in my house for about six years now and I am just now getting around to hanging things up. It's not that I haven't wanted to put holes in the wall, it's just that I'm lazy. Also, I'm not exactly happy with the apartment art that I had (it's been confined to a closet since I moved in). So, I decided to do some hunting online to see what I could find.

You guys, do yourselves a favor and DON'T get lost on eBay! I made that mistake and I'm still shocked at what I found.

At first, I thought this was an interesting something. Then, I read the information.

Y'all, that's a raccoon wiener!

 It's also known as the "Mountain Man Swizzle Stick" and the "Arkansas Tooth Pick." (Side note, WTF is up with people in that part of the country?)

I did learn that while raccoons aren't giants, their thingies can be 3 to 4 inches long. Helloooo, lady raccoons! Despite the fact that buying these would cost less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks - even with shipping - I passed. Sad, I know.

I looked at what other people were watching and it was like being taken down some crazy tunnel.

This is a mink. Well, it is on the outside. It's dead. Stuffed. And hunched up like it's about to strike.

I think.

I can't tell if it's angry or happy. I sometimes have a hard time recognizing that in animals (I really need to work on this because my confusion usually ends with me trying to pull my hand away before some creature bites it off). While the cat would probably like to rub his face on this and the dog would probably like to haul it around the house by the tail, I couldn't do it.

That's a squirrel foot necklace. I used to think those rabbit foot key chains were cool (because they were good luck - allegedly). Then I realized I was carrying part of something that used to be a living creature. How could that be lucky? Look, I eat meat. I just don't want to wear it. So a squirrel foot on a necklace? No. I would be afraid other squirrels would attack me - especially if there was one missing a foot. They may be little, but they can fight. I've seen a squirrel fight. Totally different rules. And those little bastards are fast. I probably wouldn't know what hit me.

In case you're curious, the listing says the toes are reinforced. I guess that means you won't have little squirrel toes falling into your cleavage or your lunch. Yum.

I kind of like this raccoon in what appears to be its natural habitat. You know, except for the formerly living part.

If it had a fishing pole, I might splurge on this. I think it's cute to watch raccoons use their little paws/hands. He's not showing teeth. He looks deep in thought while going after a meal.

I kind of like that. I also like that it would probably scare the crap out of my cat. It always makes me giggle when he freaks out. Look, he attacks me when I sleep, so it's perfectly OK to have fun at his expense.

STOP IT. I HAVE FOUND EXACTLY WHAT IS MISSING FROM MY LIFE.

Those chipmunks are in a boat, rowing to who knows where (my house, perhaps?).

Yeah. If that boat can hold water and someone gives me $200, I'm buying that and putting it in my guest bathroom the next time I have company.

It gets better! The seller says he has hunting chipmunks available! WHAT!?!? How have I never found these before? Do people do this with their pets after they pass? I mean, non-crazy people. If I had my dog taxidermied with a tennis ball, that wouldn't be creepy, right? RIGHT?

Fine. I'll stop cruising eBay and go back to more reputable home furnishing sites. But if you stay at my house and go into the bathroom to find a couple of chipmunks enjoying a day in the tub, don't freak out. They're friendly.