People Will Buy ANYTHING

I have lived in my house for about six years now and I am just now getting around to hanging things up. It's not that I haven't wanted to put holes in the wall, it's just that I'm lazy. Also, I'm not exactly happy with the apartment art that I had (it's been confined to a closet since I moved in). So, I decided to do some hunting online to see what I could find.

You guys, do yourselves a favor and DON'T get lost on eBay! I made that mistake and I'm still shocked at what I found.

At first, I thought this was an interesting something. Then, I read the information.

Y'all, that's a raccoon wiener!

 It's also known as the "Mountain Man Swizzle Stick" and the "Arkansas Tooth Pick." (Side note, WTF is up with people in that part of the country?)

I did learn that while raccoons aren't giants, their thingies can be 3 to 4 inches long. Helloooo, lady raccoons! Despite the fact that buying these would cost less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks - even with shipping - I passed. Sad, I know.

I looked at what other people were watching and it was like being taken down some crazy tunnel.

This is a mink. Well, it is on the outside. It's dead. Stuffed. And hunched up like it's about to strike.

I think.

I can't tell if it's angry or happy. I sometimes have a hard time recognizing that in animals (I really need to work on this because my confusion usually ends with me trying to pull my hand away before some creature bites it off). While the cat would probably like to rub his face on this and the dog would probably like to haul it around the house by the tail, I couldn't do it.

That's a squirrel foot necklace. I used to think those rabbit foot key chains were cool (because they were good luck - allegedly). Then I realized I was carrying part of something that used to be a living creature. How could that be lucky? Look, I eat meat. I just don't want to wear it. So a squirrel foot on a necklace? No. I would be afraid other squirrels would attack me - especially if there was one missing a foot. They may be little, but they can fight. I've seen a squirrel fight. Totally different rules. And those little bastards are fast. I probably wouldn't know what hit me.

In case you're curious, the listing says the toes are reinforced. I guess that means you won't have little squirrel toes falling into your cleavage or your lunch. Yum.

I kind of like this raccoon in what appears to be its natural habitat. You know, except for the formerly living part.

If it had a fishing pole, I might splurge on this. I think it's cute to watch raccoons use their little paws/hands. He's not showing teeth. He looks deep in thought while going after a meal.

I kind of like that. I also like that it would probably scare the crap out of my cat. It always makes me giggle when he freaks out. Look, he attacks me when I sleep, so it's perfectly OK to have fun at his expense.

STOP IT. I HAVE FOUND EXACTLY WHAT IS MISSING FROM MY LIFE.

Those chipmunks are in a boat, rowing to who knows where (my house, perhaps?).

Yeah. If that boat can hold water and someone gives me $200, I'm buying that and putting it in my guest bathroom the next time I have company.

It gets better! The seller says he has hunting chipmunks available! WHAT!?!? How have I never found these before? Do people do this with their pets after they pass? I mean, non-crazy people. If I had my dog taxidermied with a tennis ball, that wouldn't be creepy, right? RIGHT?

Fine. I'll stop cruising eBay and go back to more reputable home furnishing sites. But if you stay at my house and go into the bathroom to find a couple of chipmunks enjoying a day in the tub, don't freak out. They're friendly.

Pass The Soap (And Deodorant, Too)!

OK. This post is a little mean. However, if I don't write it, it will probably just bug me for a while. So allow me to get this off my chest.

What is the deal with some of these celebrities who always seem to look like a good shower is the last thing they want? I mean, they have it all - don't they? Why is it they leave home with greasy hair? I'm not nearly as busy as these people, yet even I manage to shower before I leave home.

My first two offenders:
Yes, Cameron and Drew are at an outdoor concert, where it's most likely incredibly hot. But this is not the first time I've seen these two looking less than fresh. Most recently, I spotted Cameron with pit stains at the MTV Movie Awards. This leads me to believe she doesn't wear deodorant. Now, I don't care if your sweat doesn't stink. You should at the very least put on some deodorant so we don't have to see your sweaty pits. Be a freaking lady!

Another offender:
Kate, Kate, Kate. I get that you like hippy dudes who like to smoke (and I'm not talking about cigarettes). But every time I see you, I want to come at you with a bottle of Febreeze!

I could name a few more, but I'll stop there.

Let me end by saying that when I see these ladies on the red carpet or at award shows, all dolled-up, they look amazing. I want to BE them! But that's only for that short time. It's clear they don't want to spend much time making themselves look presentable. I suppose with their celebrity status they don't have to. People have already seen what they can look like - good and bad. No need to make a good first impression. I get that.

All I ask is that ordinary people don't think it's OK to go about life without regular use of soap, deodorant and toothpaste. It's a big planet, but it's not THAT big that I won't be able to smell you.

Uninspired

It's not that I don't feel like blogging. I just don't feel like I have much to say. I do have one thing I want to share, but it requires me uploading pictures from my camera and I'm just not in the mood to do that.

I don't know why I'm feeling blah. I just am not interested in writing these days. I think that's probably a strange thing for me to type, since I'm actually writing this blog right now. Oh, and there's that whole day job that requires me to write for my paycheck. Yeah. I LOVE writing about fires that are already out but we sent the chopper so you must make it seem newsworthy. Oh, and the robberies, too! Aren't they inspiring? Some joint gets held up, we shoot it, then - BAM! It's on TV! Doesn't that make you want to watch the news?

I'm hoping to find something that makes me want to get back to writing soon. I haven't touched the book in a few weeks, but getting the stories from my friends has made me laugh and think I need to get to putting those in the book! If you haven't shared your gift story with me yet, what are you waiting for???

Until next time...

Sunday Giggle

I have literally done almost nothing all week. And it has been fan-freaking-tastic!

I decided I needed to do some catching up on the news world since I have to return to work Monday (boo!). I came across this story and it made me giggle almost as much as this photo.
It made me think of some of the silly road signs I've seen. A favorite is one I've always wanted to photograph. It's near Refugio. It's a shrimp in a circle with a line through it.

"No Shrimping."

It's pretty random. I suppose they just don't want people throwing nets off the highway into the water. Still, it always makes me smile when I pass it. It's been years since I've taken that route, so I wonder if it is still there.

That's all I have for now. I know this post is kind of lame. But once I come out of exile, I'll try to find something more exciting for you!

I ♥ Not Working

It's not that I don't love my job, I do.

But I have spent the last week doing only what I want to do - and I have never been happier! I could really get used to the not having to be at work at certain hours of the day. I wish there was some way I could work at home. It's been so nice not to hear anyone slam phones, announce "nutball" when the phone rings or have to attend meetings.

Now, I just have to find some way to pay my bills without leaving the house. Or getting out of my PJs.

Ideas, anyone?

Not Off To A Great Start

I was so full of optimism a week ago. I really did intend to write more outside of work. So far, the only thing I've written are a few checks. And this blog.

I had a media blackout for a couple of days as I suffered from a wicked sinus infection. It wasn't until Sunday that I really felt up to watching TV. I didn't really read (again, something on my list that I can't check off - boo). It just hurt too much to keep my eyes open. The first thing off the DVR to make the cut? NPH on SNL. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE him! He was funny. This skit was one of my favorites:

I still don't get Taylor Swift. Yes, she's darling. But she kinda screeches when she sings.

I'm going to watch the Golden Globes tonight and (hopefully) do some writing. And I'm going to make some chicken noodle soup from scratch. No can of soup for this girl.

I'm still optimistic that I can make this year good. I know that if I don't try, I can't be mad at how the year ends. So here's to me trying to be the glass is half full right now. Wish me luck!

How I Spent My Night Off

Realizing the year was nearly up, I figured I should take my personal day today, since there really wasn't time to take it before the year was up. I lounged about, did some reading, watched a little TV and waited for my mom to get here. We ducked outside for a few minutes before setting off for dinner and some shopping. She pointed out Chaplin, jumping up and touching the sliding glass door to get my attention. Then, with Charley at the door, I went to open it.

Nothing.

No budge.

Chaplin, in his jumping fits, had locked us out. Now, I'm a compulsive door locker, so the front door was locked. I have not re-set the keypad on the garage door. Not that that would matter, since the door inside from the garage is locked. I tried to lift and slide the door, it would move. Chaplin lounged about inside and I told him I was going to beat the you-know-what out of him as soon as I could get in.

We had no cell phones. No keys. Oh, and I had no shoes. Mom suggested we get the cop next door to help us. I thought my friends, The Gerbers, had a spare key. I was angry. I thought it would be a good idea to walk there - in my socked feet. So off we went.

We walked a few blocks away and I felt a little less angry and a little more scared that my backup plan wouldn't work. The closer we got, the more afraid I was that I would ring the bell and the dog would bark, leaving us to walk back with no hope. Luckily, I caught Anne and her neighbor just as they were about to leave. Problem: no key. I called a locksmith who met us in 20 minutes. We got a ride back to the house. Poor Charley had been in the backyard by himself. he was cold. He was angry. So was I, buddy. So was I.

The locksmith showed up in a kidnapper van. The guy (who had a very thick accent I couldn't place) and what appeared to be his brother both had accents. Within 3 minutes, they had my front door open. My emergency cost $120. While he filled out the receipt, I asked where he was from. He said Israel. The paranoid girl in my head said, "Great. He's probably some Israeli military assassin who will break into my home, abduct me in his kidnapper van full of mystery tools and kill me without a trace." I did not express such concern to the locksmith. I did make sure to point out that my alarm is always set, but since the kitten locked us out, at least we didn't have that to pierce our eardrums. He smiled and shook his head. Awesome. Now he thinks I'm crazy. Well, I am, but still...

We left (alarm set, keys in hand). I came back. I growled at the cat. I spanked him (not too hard - promise). He had no idea why I did that. Charley was a little afraid to go back in the backyard again. So now, I have the following on my "to do" list this weekend:

• Program code for garage
• Make extra copies of house keys
• Stash them around in place(s) where I'm able to get to them without much trouble
• Kitten for sale?

Kidding about that last part (I think). I just hope he doesn't lock me out before I get that key thing taken care of!

There you have it. Not at all the way I wanted to spend my evening. Certainly not how I wanted to spend $120!

You're Welcome

Wait about 20 seconds to get the giggles!

I See Weird People

Everywhere I go, I bump into strangers.

Not just people I don't know. I'm talking STRANGERS. Weirdos. Freaks.

I was going through a pile of stuff while elfing me and my furkids (see post below) and I came across a Target receipt from this weekend. It reminded me of something I wanted to post but didn't get to. So here's the story:

I'm am a product junkie. Even if I don't need any product of any kind, I will still cruise the aisles, just in case there's something out there I need (new face wash? nail polish? lip gloss? lotion?). So I'm pushing my basket down the aisle and there's a pole in the middle of the lane. I try pushing my basket around the right because there's a person on the left with a basket. My basket gets stuck. I have to pull it back, and just when I'm about to say "Excuse me" so I can pass, I pause.

It's no ordinary shopper looking at press on nails. IT'S A DUDE!

I stop. Turn to pretend to browse at whatever's on my right (makeup for people MUCH darker than yours truly). Then, I slowly turn around to get another peek: DUDE!

I watch, this time with everything but my eyes aimed at the nail polish. I watch him pick up package after package of fake nails and hold them next to his hand. For a second, I think about grabbing my phone and snapping a picture, but decide with my luck he'd catch me, so I leave my phone in my bag. Finally, he notices me behind him. He apologizes, slides his cart out of the way for me and then says, "Can I ask you a question?"

To myself, I say, "If anyone should be asking questions..." Out loud, I say, "Sure."

"Do they sell those stickers so you can do french tips on your manicure?" I look at him, glance down at his nails and say, "Um, I think you have to buy a kit." Then, I look at the products in front of him. I reach for a manicure pen and say, "This might work."

He takes it from me, turns it over, glances at the instructions and says, "I'll probably need help with this." I say, "I know I would."

He thanks me, then pushes his cart down another aisle. I shake my head and go back to looking at the nail polish (note to Target: PLEASE stock the current OPI colors!). Then, a woman who was on the same aisle comes up to me. "Was that guy buying nail products for himself?" I tell her, "Mmmhhhmmm. He needed white tips for his french manicure." She says, "Oh."

Oh.

I was tempted to follow him around the store to see if he tried squeezing his feet into lady pumps or grabbed bras to try on. Then, I realized I needed to finish my shopping and get home. After seeing "Twilight" at the first showing, I decided I had enough strangeness in my life for the day.

And it wasn't even 3:00!

Happy Monday!

While I threaten this cold to get the heck out of my head, I'll share this happy moment with you:



Enjoy!

Newsrooms Are FILTHY!

I'm working today - Saturday. I produced the 6pm show (which went on late because of a lame college football game). After that, I moved to the assignments desk.

If you're not familiar with it, it's where all the action happens.

Kind of.

It has 16 noisy scanners - sometimes beeping and talking at the same time. There are two telephones. There are five televisions. I have turned things down as much as I can, but it's still pretty rowdy on a Saturday night in San Antonio.

But back to the title of this post. I have wiped this area down with not one but TWO disinfectant wipes. Despite my repeated swabbings, I cannot get the keyboard clean. Take a look:

It's beyond dust bunnies. That stuff is not going anywhere. It's gooey. I'm sure there are remnants from many a breakfast taco or burger - or whatever else these desk dudes gobble down while slamming phones and sending crews all over town. And this keyboard is old, yo. I feel like I have to pound on the keys to get it to type. It's like whatever's living under the keys is fighting my every keystroke.

I'm grossed out and counting down the hours until I can get the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of here.

Two Links

I'm sharing two links tonight.

One is political. Before your eyes glaze over and you skip it, let me tell you, it's the best story I've read about actual change from the candidates. Here it is.

This one is about music and your brain. It explains a little about why songs get stuck in your head and what happens when you listen to music, among other things.

See? I'm not just here to make snarky comments on things. I'm actually informing you people about things.

You're welcome.

Don't Even Think Of Using My Post-Its!

I'll give you a post-it here or there, but if one were to take mine and do something like this I'd be mad - for just a second, then I'd be amazed.

Hello, Readers!

If you read my blog regularly, or if you've just stumbled on it, follow me! Let me know you're interested in what I have to say! And if we're strangers, introduce yourself in the comments section.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Last night, my brother came over for dinner and TV time. I cooked a good meal, then decided to make some cookies for dessert.

Everything was going well. The cookies were coming out nice and brown without charred bottoms. Then, one of the little treats refused to slide off the spatula. I gave it a little help, then heard a sizzle. When I pulled my hand away, I realized that sound was a piece of chocolate on my left thumb.

My brother was impressed I did not utter a single expletive. I was clearly in shock! I immediately grabbed some ice, which might have helped it. Right now, it's just a (very sore) red mark. I'm hoping it doesn't turn into a big, nasty blister. Only time will tell...

Cultural Constipation

That's what I read about in the current Entertainment Weekly (Brenda & Kelly on the cover - YAY!).

So what is it?

If you have a DVR of any sort, you likely have experienced this. It's when you wind up with hours of shows and you keep skipping over them, or just letting them mock you every time you check the recordings and see them sitting there, daring you to watch.

However, it doesn't just apply to that electronic device. Do you subscribe to a service like Netflix? I once had a movie at home for more than four months. I'm the dream subscriber - I'll keep a movie until I feel like watching it. Movies, like TV shows, have to impress me or I'll press delete/eject and be done with them.

I have the same problem with books. My nightstand looks like a miniature library. Between the books (some of which I bought even AFTER I told myself I wasn't allowed to buy books until I finish what I have) and the magazines, I'm always reading something.

So what's the cure for cultural constipation? More fiber? More days in the week? A sugar daddy whose money would allow me to quit my job and devote 8-hours a day to getting some (pop) culture?

I see my Netflix queue, all 447 movies ready to be shipped, and I don't see it as ridiculous. I like to think I'm a good case of mono away from putting a dent in that list. If I win the lottery, I can watch movies all day for weeks with a house full of servants catering to my every need.

It's a dream, people. I have stuff to do. My furkids make messes. They need attention and walks. I have to sleep, though I'm not quite tired at this crazy hour. I have to work (how else am I to keep the kids fed and entertained?). Some day, I will get it all done. And then I will die. Happily.

So, God - or whomever has that power - don't come for me until I've done everything and I'll try to do something nice, like not maybe go a whole day without making a threat to someone (especially hard if I have to drive to work, but I'll at least try).

The State Fair Will Kill You!

That is deep fried bacon, served with your choice of ranch or honey mustard dressing. It's the latest deep fried fare to join the menu at the State Fair of Texas.

You'll also find:

• fried banana split: battered and fried balls of banana and honey peanut butter, caramel, chocolate and ice cream
• fire & ice: a battered and fried pineapple ring covered with banana-flavored whipped cream frozen in liquid nitrogen, covered with strawberries and syrup
• chocolate covered strawberry waffle balls: the berries are covered in a chocolate shell, dipped in waffle batter, fried, covered in powdered sugar and served on a stick
• fried chocolate truffles: dark chocolate truffle covered in cocoa powder, battered, fried, dusted in cinnamon, sugar and cocoa powder
• deep fried s'mores: marshmallow cream and chocolate chips between graham crackers, battered, fried, dusted in powder sugar
• fried Jelly Belly: the jellybeans are battered and fried
• fried grilled cheese sandwich: cheese, two pieces of bread, battered, fried, sprayed with butter
  

For fun, watch the video with this story to see what the judges have to say. Is it wrong that I'm a little grossed out AND a little hungry just looking at them?

Something For The Wish List

I'm adding that camera to my ever-growing wish list. Why? Besides taking pretty pictures, it will also take high-definition video. With that, I can become the next Steven Spielberg.

Santa, are you reading? Are you rolling your eyes at me?

Seriously, it's a cool camera. If someone were to put a big bow on it and give it to me, I wouldn't send it back. I'd make a movie on how happy the camera made me. Of course, I still have to figure out how to use my editing software, but by the time I finally get that camera, I'll know how to use it. I think.

Three Reasons I Want To Be Cindy Crawford

1. That body.
2. George Clooney.
3. Bono.

When I saw these pictures in the current issue of US Weekly, I stared at it. Then I thought, "She's 42-years-old and has it all."

However, I have to wonder about that husband of hers. I mean, taking your wife on a yacht with Clooney?? Dude, either you're really confident in yourself or you don't care if Clooney runs away with your wife. Then, to have Bono around - I mean the accent, the high note, the fact that he wants to wipe your tears away - what more could you want?

So if you want to make me happy this Christmas, give me those three things. They don't have to be in that order.

I'm Still Sharing

I don't know what it is about the first of August that makes me want to share myself with you people, but here's another thing...

My Chinese name is Bai Nu kai. Get your own.