My Big, Lame Life

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that I'm pretty lame.

Are you still reading this? It could make you lame by association. If you're going to see where this ends, I applaud you. Full on applause - not a little golf clap.

You see, it's been a while since I did more than point out random objects for sale, license plates or review a book. So we're due for a checkup. And here comes the lame...

All week, I've had spotty internet service in my home. It would be fine if I was just looking at Perez Hilton in my off time, but I do actually work at home sometimes. By Saturday morning, I had enough. I decided to call AT&T. I put it off because when I've called them in the past, my connection problems have never been solved in less than an hour. But I was up early (not by choice, but that's another story), so I figured I had the time. I couldn't find an old bill and since I couldn't use my computer to look up a number, I turned to my phone. I dialed three numbers before I started automated Hell.

Look, I'm sure big companies think this automated business is helpful. It can be - when you're not in the mood to talk to a live human being. I don't even care what country the call taker is in. I just want a real, live body. After going through the automated system, and hearing "I'm sorry. Did you say..." a few times, I started shouting, "OPERATOR!" until the machine said it would direct me to a technician AFTER a few more questions. I got a woman, who asked for my number in case we were disconnected. Then, WHAM! Disconnected. I waited five minutes and didn't get a returned call. I picked up my cell phone. I had closed the browser and totally forgot about that redial button on my phone. I looked up the number again, then went through the automated system, shouting "OPERATOR!" again and then answering more questions again before I got a real person. The second tech asked for my number in case we were disconnected. I asked if he was really going to call me back because the first tech had not and he said he would. Then, click. Disconnected again. Now, I was REALLY annoyed.

So, I called a third time. My brief answers to the machine were ragey. And by the time I reached the third tech, I quickly said, "Hi, Leonard. I have two things to say. One: I hope you can help me because I'm really frustrated. Two: I hope that unlike the two previous techs I spoke with this morning, if we're disconnected you'll actually call me back." He promised he would. Then, for the next 69 and a half minutes (truth), "Leonard," (his name choice, not mine) proceeded to walk me through five kajillion steps (possible exaggeration) to restore my internet connection.

When I wasn't crawling around on the floor, disconnecting cables from my modem, router and computer or resetting my password on my internet setup (which, by the way, I have already forgotten), I started thinking about what a really lame movie my life would make. Here's my pitch in 140 characters or less:

Think about all the ladies who would see this!

The story: sad girl believes the genuinely nice tech walking her from the non-internet world to the fully-connected universe could be Mr. Right. She packs a bag, flies to India and tracks down her tech. Sadly, the girl is crushed to learn the guy really likes working for $10 a day and helping people. He knows he couldn't get a job doing that anywhere else. This leaves the girl with two choices:

1. Go home without her man.
2. Stay in India for "love."

No matter what she chooses she won't be happy. Why? Because she realizes the guy she really loves was her third grade boyfriend who happens to look a lot like Brad Pitt. And she knows this because he friended her on Facebook. It's not the kind of movie that I would see, but I know plenty of ladies who would drop everything for this.

HELLO, HOLLYWOOD! Are you out there? This thing is gold! Call me!

Week In Pop Culture

Looks like whatever Melanie Griffith had done to her face has finally settled.

Paul McCartney is engaged.

Katie Holmes does not want you to make eye contact.

No need to see a movie this summer if you go here.

Nicolas Cage escaped criminal charges.

Bradley Cooper's next roles are a bit odd.

Didn't America show it's over Katie Couric? Guess ABC didn't get that memo.

Also, Kathie Lee and Hoda are trying very hard to get people to watch them.

Kim Kardashian is flaunting her, um, assets.

Prediction: rib cage tattoos are the new tramp stamps.

I think Adele is super cute.

Cameron Diaz shares her thoughts on marriage.

Mel Gibson's baby mama has dropped charges against him.

I wonder why George Clooney likes her?

Marie Osmond remarried her first husband in the same dress she wore the first time.

I like a mobster movie, but there's something about this Gotti movie that is unappealing.

I don't think I would have seen Moulin Rouge if the cast was different.

At least one star of Brothers and Sisters seems to think it's being canceled.

Kristen Wiig won't do these two characters anymore.

The girl who has already chosen her engagement rings is single again.

If you're looking for an awards show to watch, here's your chance.

Cute celebrity baby alert!

CBS has Katie Couric's replacement.

I might read this memoir.

There's a very good chance I'll see this OBL movie.

James Franco must have some super-ADD.

Apparently when you're famous, you can forget all about manners.

Rick Springfield was arrested. So was this guy. And this guy. Also, this guy.

The Met Gala was this week. See what the celebs wore.

Minnie Driver is 41. Also, note the strange tattoo placement.

This former Idol has found her bikini body.

America has disappointed me by making this a box office hit.

Apparently, once you play Jesus, no one wants to hire you.

Sorry, friends, it looks like Anchorman 2 is not happening.

I think it's time to have a thintervention with Jennifer Hudson.

Now that Mariah Carey has given birth, I look forward to life without pictures of her pregnant belly. Also, her kids are definitely going to be made fun of because of their names.

Guess which underage daughter of two actors was caught with booze.

This is a pretty random lawsuit.

If you miss Jem, here's some good news.

Maybe Emma Watson wasn't bullied at Brown.

This story about Karl Lagerfeld creeps me out.

Are you ready for Beaches: The Musical?

Rest in peace, Jackie Cooper.

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Let me start by saying those of you who want Mexicans to leave this country do not get to observe this holiday. Everyone else, grab the tequila and fiesta!

Bonjour, Paris!

I am not on vacation. I have not moved. But I have read a book that has made a little more eager to visit Paris.

The Most Beautiful Walk in the World is magical!

Maybe it's because I have always wished I had the talent to write fiction, but I would love to just move to Paris and be a writer. That's what I would tell people I did for a living while begging for a crust of bread and a sip of wine on the streets. They do that there, right?

This book. I have to say I was a bit afraid it would read like one of those pamphlets that bogs you down in facts without giving you color. I was pleasantly surprised that it read like a good friend's journal.

John Baxter, a writer who moved to Paris, stumbles into the job of walking tour guide. But he doesn't just jump into a "go to this restaurant because Hemingway liked the beer" spell. Instead, he writes of writing. There are workshops in the lovely city, though some don't exactly provide the inspiration that works for everyone.

"(Seamus O'Finnegan) suggests you buy a soft toy or a pillow and give it the name of your project. When work is going badly, you should cuddle it, or talk to it."

Anyone paying for that "advice" should contact me immediately for my "ten steps to not being suckered" private lessons. Also, you should know that those emails from an African prince/princess offering you money for a little help aren't legit.

While taking readers on a journey through the well-traveled streets, Baxter never skips a moment. I don't always believe tour guides (I like to play "stump the guide" just to see if I can see how quick of a thinker he/she is). But, Baxter is believable. I don't want a guide to rattle off historic stats to me. I want a guide who offers valuable information, like when ordering foie gras, it should be goose, not duck and that it's best with a Sauternes. This is NOT information you get from a regular guide. Also, I learned the French save the few drops of red wine left in a bottle to use as vinegar. I was so inspired, I bought a pretty bottle (pictured at right) to start saving my remnants. You would almost have to subscribe to a foodie magazine for dummies to get that! Do they make those? If not, I should get on that.

If you've been to Paris, Baxter no doubt offers up stops for your next trip. If, like me, you've only dreamed of making the trip, you'll find yourself looking at a calendar and trying to decide when you can go (my answer: when I come into the right amount of money to let me see the city the way it's meant - NOT ON A BUDGET...or when the Euro crashes). Friends, you should check out this book. It's a treat!

Happy Teacher's Week!

It's Teacher's Week! Two things:

1. I had no idea you people had your own week.
2. I'm jealous.

So, this one's for you teachers. 

Summer Movie Season Has Arrived!

I have avoided the movie theaters for two months because nothing really made me want to go. And when I did have the time, the one movie I wanted to see was already gone. But this month has a few new releases that are on my MUST SEE list. Now, friends and strangers, I present the good, the bad and the I'm-not-sure-so-I'll-just-add-it-to-my-Netflix-queue.

GOOD
The Beaver

Look, I know I have sworn off Mel Gibson after his last crazy spell, but I have seen this trailer a few times and laughed. I will only see this if it's showing at the theater that offers a $5 pre-noon deal. Otherwise, I'll wait.

Bridesmaids

This movie had me with the cast. I don't need it described as any dude-movie but with chicks. Please, Hollywood, stop doing that. Ladies are way smarter than that. Don't let those ticket sales of chick flicks fool you.

Everything Must Go

There's a chance I might like the idea of this movie more than I'll actually like it, but I'm willing to take that chance.

The Hangover Part 2

Oh, how I can't wait for this one! I don't care if the hijinx are predictable, I'll still see it.

BAD

• Thor - Not even if you bought my ticket and candy.
• Something Borrowed - I'd rather be waterboarded.
• Jumping The Broom - The only thing that interested me about this: I now know Angela Bassett is still working.
• Last Night - I feel like I've avoided seeing this movie before.
• Passion Play - I could almost be interested in this, but it would break my Megan Fox-free streak.
• Priest - Nope.
• Midnight In Paris - I don't love Woody Allen. Every time I try to watch his movies, I get annoyed. Note: that's not hard to do.

NETFLIX
These movies are ones I'm interested in, but would rather watch at home. If it's bad, I just stuff it back in the envelope and drop it in the mail.

• Hesher - I'm intrigued, but I have the feeling that I'd get it, pop it in the DVR and ask, "How the hell did this wind up in my queue?
• Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - I'm kind of over this series, but I love Johnny Depp. I'm torn.
• Kung Fu Panda 2 - Jack Black on the big screen - even if it's just his voice - has become too much for me.
• The Tree of Life - I have a feeling this is a little Benjamin Button-like. I'll watch at home and see if that's the case.

Oh, Kanela!

I think you think you're clever.

But I really think you're just inviting a kidnapper to call your name as you approach your car, then he shoves you in so he can drive you to an isolated location to do bad things to you and leave you for dead.

If your name is NOT Kanela, you are clever and I take back everything I just said. You won't be fooled by a criminal. You'll probably just mow him down with your Toyota!

For more tales about personalized license plates, click here.

Week In Pop Culture

Royal wedding acknowledged.

Meredith Viera is saying "adios" to Today.

January Jones is pregnant.

So, 50Cent is into comedy now. That's a joke, right?

I could have lived my whole life without knowing Raquel Welch does not dig the Brazilian.

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend were attacked outside a courthouse.

Another week, another celebrity in rehab.

Does Paula Deen have a secret?

Rihanna is just like the rest of us - at the airport.

Steven Tyler has "written" a book.

Renee Zellwegger had a few birthday parties.

This Olivia Munn picture is for the geeks. You're welcome.

Demi Moore will be doing work I'll never see.

Katie Holmes got an apology from a tabloid.

Really, Miley Cyrus?

Thanks to Natalie Portman's dad, I'm adding "fertility thriller" to the genres I won't read.

I really hope this story about Tina Turner is not true.

Justin Timberlake is in a movie about that "friends with benefits" nonsense, but that's not him.

When I grow up, I want to be Christie Brinkley.

I don't love her dress, but Jessica Simpson's legs are awesome!

This actor has officially creeped me out - and I've never seen him act!

I am not quite on board with Julianne Moore's Sarah Palin.

Know who makes the most sense on this whole Charlie Sheen mess? Tracy Morgan. I cannot believe I just wrote that.

I suppose if Justin Bieber can get kids to brush their teeth, that's a good thing.

This news does not make me more interested in Green Lantern.

Not my favorite Jake Gyllenhaal look.

A former American Idol judge is talking about it.

Still excited about Aaron Sorkin's HBO show.

Looks like DWTS is just the career boost Kirstie Alley needed.

Karl Lagerfield is strange. Wait. He's super rich. He's "eccentric."

Katie Couric is leaving CBS.

Jennifer Aniston will be bi-coastal.

Kate Hudson is engaged.

Natalie Portman is still pregnant.

Gwyneth Paltrow used the one word I won't say.

I'm pretty sure Levi Johnston can't read, so I do not believe he's actually "writing" this book.

How does Beyonce walk in these?

Can we all agree Nic Cage is a bit crazy?

There might be an Entourage movie.

A reality TV actress is engaged.

A funny guy is engaged.

Seriously, Mariah. Knock this off.

This sounds interesting.

Paris Hilton nearly killed an actress. Or did she?

Cold, hard reality for those "reality TV stars" who "write' books.

Guess which (old) Brits will be rockin' the Olympics.

Toni Collette had a baby.

I don't think I've ever seen Rachel Bilson act, but she can definitely rock a bikini.

Katie Holmes can afford to have someone help her not look like this.

Lady Gaga thinks she's a loser.

This actor is thinking of calling it quits. I hope he gets some voice over work because that's what I like most about him.

Flavor Flav is out of the chicken business.

How cute is this Hollywood family?

The Black Eyed Peas are retiring a song. I wish they'd just quit making music.

Emma Watson was bullied so she quit college. Really, college kids? You should know better.

America was not "Mad About" Paul Reiser's new show.

This couple was married over the weekend. If this is true, then I'm officially creeped out by that girl.

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to jail. Again. And she has an unusual community service assignment.

This model is pregnant.

Betty White gets the giggles. LOVE THIS!

Hot in Cleveland
Tags: Hot in Cleveland Video,Photos on the set of Hot in Cleveland,Betty White,Hot in Cleveland Official TV Show Website

Rest in peace, Phoebe Snow.

Royal Wedding? No, Thank You!

Before I start, let me say I think these two are adorable. If you believe all the hype, they're adorably perfect. Look at their flawless clothes and smiles. I'd say hair, but Kate clearly wins this won (sorry, Will - you got that from your dad).

I understand the fascination with these two, but I cannot believe the major networks in the United States are dedicating so much of Friday to the wedding. They do know they're not the Prince and Princess of America, right? So, I will do my best to avoid tuning in to this whole mess. I know it will be hard, but I just don't care. I wish them well and the best of luck - as I do any couple brave enough to stand in front of their family, friends and God to say those vows. 

Does the world have to go bananas over this royal wedding? It's like no one remembers how the last big fuss ended (divorce, Princess Diana's death if you're just landing on Earth). So, to add to the hoopla, people looking to cash in on this perfect young couple have rolled out the following:

Buy a place setting with their faces on it! Just what you need on your wall/in your cabinet!

A coin you'll probably accidentally shove into a vending machine.

A replica of Kate's/Diana's ring so you can wait for your very own prince (excuse me while I go gag).

A "rare" Kate doll! So, so happy we've already decided Kate shouldn't put on a single ounce (or stone or whatever they call weight in England)! Because Diana didn't have enough worries about her weight being documented. Seriously, no lessons learned there?

Paper dolls. Because everyone wants to dress up this royal couple. Really.

Ugly sneakers, or trainers as they call them across the pond. I don't even think Will and Kate are wearing these.

A royal manicure? Fellas, if you see a girl with nails like this, RUN LIKE THE WIND. That girl is crazy high maintenance and you will NEVER please her! Same goes with this.

Royal Pez dispensers? What's creepier than eating super sweet, hard candy out of the head of a real person? Fictional characters as Pez dispensers are just fine. Why do I make the distinction? Because if you ever bump into these two and the first words you say are, "I ate candy out of your head," you are certain to be detained if not sent away to a looney bin.

Anyone using these is either thumbing his/her nose at this nonsense or insanely bitter about not being The Chosen One. So, which are you?

If you're knitting your own royal family, you should pause and pet your kitties, you crazy lady!

The title of this book says a lot about the buyer. I'm just jealous I didn't get to this first.

And this might be the most ridiculous of all.

Royal Condoms. Really. I know they say "souvenir" on the box, but I am afraid there might be some people hoping to make royal babies. I say "hoping to make" because I refuse to believe that these are not legitimate birth control. Shall I say they might be full of holes?

Those are just some of the apps you can download (some free, some not) if you want to learn more about the wedding. Even creepier? The ones that make it seem as if you're participating in the whole process. Friends, if you've downloaded those, please don't tell me. Unless you want me to judge you. And I will.

If I should wake up early tomorrow morning and find no way to avoid all this Royal Wedding nonsense, I may play this.

The fine folks at Entertainment Weekly put this together. If I wasn't working, I might be inclined to get up early so I could make it a drinking game. If you're that lucky, here are a few of the rules I'd play by. Drink when:

• You see a lady in a hat
• You see someone wipe away tears (on TV, in your own home, in the mirror)
• You see a celebrity
• You see a celebrity in a hat - that's two shots
• You see a celebrity cry - that's two shots
• You see a celebrity in a hat crying - that's three shots