It's Take Your Kids To Work Day!

Or as the babysitter/nanny/daycare worker calls it: the day you let someone else raise your child!

It's not that I don't like children. I just don't particularly like them in the office. If we can't put them to work answering phones, refilling the printer drawers with paper or doing other workplace chores, what's the fun? Plus, it means I have to try to wrangle my potty mouth. You SO owe me for that. So, to show my appreciation for my co-workers' children, I present these ecards.

How Am I Reading?

My name is Nicole and I am a bookaholic.

Just saying those words out loud makes me feel SO much better. But seriously, I cannot stop buying books. Here's a look at my nightstand today:

Three of those books were bought last year, but I hope to finally get to them this year. You see, in the last couple of years, I have renewed my love of books. I get some really awesome coupons from Borders and Barnes & Noble, which encourages me to buy more books. It's a deal - and I love a bargain.

See that Covert Affair book? TRUE STORY: about two weeks before it was released, I was talking to a friend about the need for a book to detail Julia Child's spy days. Then, when I saw it, I was excited! Still, I said, "I cannot buy another book right now. I have too many in my 'to read' pile." Then, 15 minutes later, I received a 40% off coupon, so I bought it. I don't feel as guilty about the book buying until the tower of books next to me seems to taunt me as I fall to sleep. Some nights, I swear they sway as if to say, "We're going to crush you in your sleep! HAHAHAHA!" Note: those are the nights I might have had too much alcohol.

While I am looking forward to reading all of those books (one at a time - I get through them faster that way), I am not looking forward to hauling them around. The Passage is more than 700 pages! While that will boost my Good Reads page count, it will likely throw off my balance. Seriously, if I fall down in the parking lot at work and hurt myself, I'm blaming the book.

I only wish I had waited until after Christmas to buy that book. My parents gave me this as a gift:

A Nook color! It was an ordeal setting it up (my parents live in a house without WiFi - it's like the late 90s up in there), but once I returned home, I had no problem making it one of my new favorite gadgets. Because I had a few books on my nightstand, I decided to restrict the real books to those less than 300 pages. Anything longer than that would be easier to carry on the Nook. I've read three books on it and have sorted out the pros/cons of eReaders. 

Weight

The Nook is about the same weight as a paperback book. Well, it would be if I didn't have it in a leather case.

Function

I still like holding a real book. The case holding my Nook kind of gives me that feel, but I do like turning real pages, not swiping the screen. I have also run into the battery issue - just a few pages left and the battery dies. Advantage: book. Real books don't need battery power!

Waterproof

This was one concern - and why I didn't buy myself an eReader. You see, I have spilled soup, wine, coffee, etc., on my real books. I make sure when I'm Nooking (real word, no?) that I have no liquids around me. I am also not going to lounge in a bubble bath with the Nook. One big splash or slip up and it's a goner.

Price

This is a tough one. Sometimes, the coupons I get from the big box book sellers bring the hardcover edition to the same or even cheaper price than an e-book. If you aren't a member of their discount programs, get on it.

Other Issues

The other night, I was finishing Swamplandia! and was in bed. I turned off the light and was happy with the light the Nook provided. It wasn't so bright that it kept me up when I finished reading. It didn't strain my eyes the way my nightstand lamp sometimes does when I read at night. Also, the Nook is now in the app business. Not sure I need one more place to app it up, but there is that option.

I will also make one more exception for buying the real book: if I buy the eBook and love it, I'll add the real version to my collection. Maybe I'm a little old fashioned, but I like looking at the real books. Plus, some day, I hope to have a library in my home so I can be surrounded by the books that I love. I'm only holding onto books that I want to read again. Everything else has been put up for swap.

Do you have an eReader? Have you established criteria like mine or have you just given up ever reading a real book again?

Not Even With Your Eyes

Since I was a kid, that movie has scared the bejeezus out of me. Yes, I saw it when I was a kid. Not a great choice by the babysitter, but it happened. It has scared me so much, I will freak out and drown someone if I am in water where I can't see - even if it's a river or lake (I saw the true story behind Jaws and know that some sharks can live in fresh water).

I've even had at least one dream where I saw a shark do this:

The smile says, "Hello." The eyes say, "HELLO, DINNER!"

Don't get me wrong. I totally respect sharks. I respect them so much, I don't want to confuse them by making them question whether I'm a delicious-tasting seal or a horrible-tasting human. I might even check out "Shark Week" (only in the daytime so I don't have shark dreams).

So this is almost scarier to me than getting in a cage and being lowered into an ocean full of great white sharks.

That's an advance peek at Shark Night 3D. The picture alone let me know that this is so not the movie for me. It would not be the least bit fun to watch sharks through those goofy glasses as they lunge off the screen at me, who would likely be trying my best not to pee my pants. I don't care how campy it is. I don't care that Sara Paxton, the object of this shark's desire, says, "I don't think people should go in expecting The Reader, with Kate Winslet."

No kidding.

There's no way I'm even watching this in the 2D version.

Unless I want to stay awake for a week. And I do not.

Happy Easter!

Full disclosure: I'd rather be eating Peeps and Cadbury Eggs than sending you Easter wishes. So, I hope you'll understand these cards are the best I can do.

I'm Confused

Every time I hear Frank McCourt, I keep thinking of this guy.

He was a beautiful writer and was a teacher.

But I am always wrong.

The guy who's in the news is this guy.

He's the owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers and is apparently a bit of a douche bag. The polar opposite of the other McCourt. I wish he'd change his name so I wouldn't be confused and also to prevent  him from muddying the name of the better Frank McCourt.

Week In Pop Culture

Katy Perry totally stole my Friday look.

Lady Gaga fell on stage again.

Even though I like this guy, I still don't want to see a Bourne movie without Matt Damon.

If this doesn't make you excited for the new Beastie Boys album, nothing will.

Beastie Boys - Make Some Noise - Free Music Videos - Top Songs

Look who might be the next star to take on Broadway.

Leeza Gibbons is married.

Not sure what to think of this Mel Gibson interview.

I'm a little intrigued by this new Kelsey Grammer project.

An actress and a TV carpenter are engaged.

I love these kids (and The Bangles look great)!

Jane Krakowski is now a mom.

Those Jonas brothers want you to know they're still alive.

Benicio del Toro's baby mama is showing off her baby bump.

Jimmy Fallon's show has been renewed.

Not sure shoulder implants will catch on.

Sarah Jessica Parker in a bikini. Here.

Is it the 90s again? Ricki Lake is getting a daytime talk show.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is healthy and ready to work.

Kirstie Alley doesn't exactly make a good diet model.

Ethan Hawke's wife is expecting their second child (his fourth).

How cute is Salma Hayek's daughter?

Robin Williams looks a little homelessy.

Can't wait to see the season finale of SNL.

If you want to see Sharon Stone in a bikini, click here.

I loved Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart, but am not so sure I want him to do a whole album.

Here's Patrick Dempsey on the beach.

Tragedy in Tim Robbins family.

I'm warming to the idea of The Great Gatsby reboot.

This Dark Knight news is making me antsy about seeing it.

Can you tell Miranda Kerr had a baby in January? Neither can I.

Suri Cruises's 5th birthday was better than any party I'll ever have.

At this point, I would not be surprised if Mariah Carey does not release photos of her in the delivery room.

Grace Kelly's royal wedding is one that I can get behind.

I think this Real Housewife looked better before her facelift.

Lindsay Lohan may be back to making movies I won't see.

Diddy is desperate to become an actor.

Y'all, Britney Spears is just like us!

Beyonce is a tease.

Evan Rachel Wood wants some attention.

If we were in 1988, I would be super excited about this.

Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to know she's street, yo.

Well, this is certainly not a practical beachwear choice.

Miley Cyrus says America doesn't love her enough.

Ugh. That American Pie sequel is really happening.

I cannot wait to see how this episode of 30 Rock goes down.

Serena Williams. In a bikini.

Nicole Richie might have an addiction to sunglasses.

Guess which LOST actress is pregnant!

Jessica Simpson wants to make sure her twins are part of her wedding ceremony.

However, I find NPH's twins way cuter.

Pamela Anderson wants you to see all of her.

A Glee star is at war with rats (real rats, not paparazzi).

Hmmm...

I will totally check out this Julia Louis-Dreyfus show.

So, Nicki Minaj has a hair idol. Good for her.

Lisa Rinna might as well ask for world peace.

I like that Zach Galifianakis talks about people giving too much information while he is doing just that.

You can get Diddy to host a party, but it will cost you.

Being a network executive pays really well.

Nic Cage was arrested.

Jon Bon Jovi was burgled.

RuPaul: still pretty and still making music?

Jerry Seinfeld is just like me.

Rest in peace, Michael Sarrazin.

And Tim Hetherington and Chris Hondros.

Happy Earth Day!

Tomorrow is Earth Day. Since I want to preserve the planet (not save it - I'm not a superhero), I decided to give you an ecard.

What I Don't Get Now...

Celebrity cookbooks.

Look, I love cooking shows and cookbooks. I have my own collection of cookbooks with beautiful covers, photos and recipes that are easy and really challenging.

I have stopped buying them. Why? Because you can find a recipe online fairly easy (and for free) and I realized I was not using the cookbooks I have.

So, I don't understand why I'm supposed to buy into this current batch of actresses peddling books of "family recipes" and personal stories.

I have seen Eva Longoria promoting this cookbook (while trying her best to dodge questions about her recent divorce). She says she cooks all the time. Well, she might, but does she eat the food?

I mean, look at her! She's in awesome shape! Am I really to believe she digs into a bowl of guacamole on the regular? Because I can't. Not for one second. I'm sure the recipes in the book are good (but I hardly need a cookbook to teach me how to make enchiladas). However, I don't trust a girl who doesn't look like she eats her own food. That's like your skinny friend who tries to sabotage your diet by telling you "one piece of cake won't kill you!" while she laughs to herself that she will be the skinniest one in the bunch.

Pure evil.

I've seen Gwyneth Paltrow's food-filled adventures with Mario Batali. I have also seen photos of her in a swimsuit. She has a rockin' body.

So does she eat?

Definitely.

But I have also heard her say that she works out EVERY DAY for at least an hour and a half! Who, besides an actress, can afford to do that? I don't doubt her recipes are yummy, but I'm not buying this unless someone pays me to work out. Any takers?

Sheryl Crow's book is about nothing but making money. How do I know this? Because she has said she does not cook. That guy on the cover of the book? Chuck White. He's her chef.

Put a pretty, skinny, famous girl on the cover of a cookbook, let her do a promotional tour and instant hit? I don't think so. I am sure Chuck White has whipped up some lovely meals and recipes for Cheryl and her kids. But I hope he's at least getting half the proceeds of this book because he's truly the brains in this operation.

I'm not saying these books don't have some good ideas, but I just cannot believe people are forking over (pun intended) their hard-earned cash for them. People, hit up Google, watch the Food Network - there are plenty of ways to get these recipes without paying for them (either with cash or in the gym).

That said, I would gladly peddle my own cookbook with family recipes, which likely came from other cookbooks/food labels/internet searches. If only someone would pay me for that...

Totally Not Necessary

I cannot believe how many suckers are out there! Why else would people come up with ridiculous products to get the really naive to throw away their money? Here are three things you don't need to spend money on.

My Bud Light

Not to be all beer snob, but why are you people drinking light beer? If you'd take a few minutes to watch the documentary Beer Wars, you'd know this stuff is so watered down, you might as well just buy a bottle of water and mix some food coloring in it. You'd get more of a buzz by taking the last sip of someone's REAL beer and filling the rest of the bottle with water. It's a scam by the big beer makers and you people are falling for it.

And if you have so many friends that you might mix up your weak excuse for a beer that you need to write your name - or favorite insult - on it, you're a tool.

Drink a real beer. You might respect yourself more in the morning.

The Slob Stopper

This is one from the "Are you kidding me?" file.

Even if you are on a lobster-only diet, this is not a good idea. I am a bit of a mess. I will not eat certain things if I'm wearing a white shirt (because I have ruined many white shirts with pasta sauce, chocolate, soda, coffee, etc.). But even I won't spend $14.95 plus shipping and handling for a grown up bib. Why? Because it's ridiculous. Don't buy this for a gag gift. The only exception I see is for senior citizens. If you are old, you can wear anything because you can. Your days are numbered. Do what you like with your money. Just know that your kids will throw it away after you die. Don't will it to anyone except your neighbor in the nursing home.

Boxer Jeans
Oh. My. God.

Fellas, this is wrong on so many levels.

1. These are underwear?
2. These are shorts?
3. These are really short shorts?

No. Just don't. 

I don't want to see someone at the store wearing these, trying to pass off these mini-man panties as outerwear.

The only guy who can get away with this works for a company called "Chippendales." However, I'm not sure if those are actual pockets or just painted to look like them. Wait. I'm not that curious. Please don't show them to me in person.

Dove Nourished Beauty Deodorant
The same people who want you to celebrate your natural beauty are now telling you your armpits are ugly and can be fixed with their deodorant?

The ad says your pits will be "ready to reveal in just five days."

Ladies, if a guy is celebrating your beautiful armpits, you should get away from him. NOW. He is very close to chopping you up and saving only your pits. And if you think deodorant won't make your pits prettier, you're right. Wear your short sleeves to keep cool or avoid a farmer tan! Don't worry about how pretty your pits are. Just worry about them not being stinky. Oh, but seriously, if your pits are ugly, start by shaving them. Unshaven pits are not American.

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