Babies Need A Job

Babies are cute. They don't always smell nice, but when not crying they're fun to look at. Like this one:

Here's why this baby is better than most: HE'S WORKING!

That's right, this baby scooting around the floor is actually doing some house work wearing what's called a baby mop! If ever there's a reason to add a child to the family - HERE'S THE BEST EXAMPLE!

I suppose you can't just plop the baby down and walk away. There's probably some pre-cleaning that has to happen (like before a cleaning service comes over and you try to clean up a little so they don't think you're in some sort of competition to be the world's slobbiest person). In this case, you'd probably want to pick up sharp/toxic objects because babies aren't smart enough (YET) to keep things out of their mouths.

This isn't just some random photo I found on the internets. Look. It's a real thing.

So, put your baby to work! You deserve a break!

I Need More Stupid People In My Life

Not because I want to test my patience. I need the stupids to help me invent things to prevent them from hurting themselves. Why? Because I wish I had invented the WAXVAC.

Grown people who don't know how to use a Q-Tip without stabbing themselves in the brain? What else can't they do? I use a Q-Tip after I get out of the shower. I don't jab it in my ear BECAUSE I AM AN ADULT AND I KNOW BETTER! What's a little alarming in this ad is that these people appear to have kids. I will never understand how people who are so seemingly dumb and helpless manage to have children who survive to be adults. I'm also a little grossed out by this product. You have to empty the container with your sucked out ear wax. Now, if I had a stupid person in my house and had to buy this, I would tell them it was their brains and that one day they'd wake up and be a zombie who I would then have to stab in the head to save myself. That's right. Sleep with one eye open and your ears covered!

I could also use more stupid people in my life to invent things to keep them from making messes and being wasteful. Like Wraptastic.

Now, I understand that wrap stuff can sometimes be a little sticky. However, a person with half a brain wouldn't unroll the whole thing. She would carefully unroll it over whatever needed covering so that it clings to the container or the food. Let's be honest: if you are that horrible at using the packaging to unroll and cut your plastic wrap, you're probably not doing other things in the kitchen regularly that would make you good at this. You should save yourself! Never use your kitchen except to make a bowl of cereal! But be careful - those plastic bags are really tough to open without spilling your Cheerios all over the place! PS - PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN!

More Dumb Things

I can only assume someone is buying these dumb things - how else do they get the money to advertise? If you've spent money on these things, please let me know. I will totally judge you, then help you avoid making these dumb mistakes.

Abstinence Clothing
I am sure moms think this is a fine idea. Clothing with sayings like "What would your mother do?" and "Dream On" and "Zip It." The site is full of things aimed at getting kids not to have sex.

But, take a look at the model's face. Even she seems to be saying, "Come on, Mom! this is NEVER going to work."

Besides, it's not like sexed-up teens are going to keep their clothes on for very long.

Parents, if you want to keep your kids from having sex, I wish you luck. But I also think you're better off having a few REAL conversations with them. Maybe take them to meet some actual teen moms - not the ones from the TV show. They get instant fame and a big paycheck. Or, take them to a doctor who can explain all the dirty details about STDs. Since I only parent furry kids, I am not exactly qualified to give parental advice. However, since I was once a kid, I fully understand kids are not going to seriously wear these clothes and heed their advice. Your words will do more than whatever is written on a pair of boy shorts. Trust me.

College Degree From The Internet
It's not that I don't support higher education. But when you're considering a school that needs this to get you hooked...

you should reconsider.

I am sure they offer classes (hopefully some that at least resemble actually college courses - not something like "Dissecting Lady Gaga Costumes"). But are they real credits? You know, the kind recognized by actual colleges and universities? Probably not. And whatever you do, don't take their advice. Contact a legitimate school to find out. These people just want your money. Here's what I think this whole program is like: I was once in Mexico and there was this guy peddling baby chicks that had been dyed pink, green and blue. He was selling them for $5. A friend asked if he could take them across the border. The guy said, "Of course!" I suggested he should think about that. And my gut was right. When we came back to the US, I asked the border agent and was told you cannot bring live animals into the country. Sure, it was just five bucks, but the idea of that poor chick, which either would have died or grown into a not-cute chicken, makes me sad. It's how I'll feel when you dish out thousands of dollars for one of these fake schools and still can't get a job that pays more than minimum wage.

Shake Weight Workout Video
Oh, friends. This is, like, ten kinds of wrong.

I don't doubt that tensing your muscles while holding a weight can eventually lead to arms like this lady's. But there is nothing about this whole deal that does not look like soft-core porn. From the way the weight is held, to steps to the music - it's just dirty.

Side note: I recently received an email from someone complaining about the weight. Turns out, this person sent it back because it didn't shake. Clearly, this person isn't smart enough for the planet. But I really wanted to respond with the following:

Dear Dummy,
This weight does not shake on its own. You must get it started. If you were hoping to hold a shaking weight and not have to do just a little bit of work, I'd like to ask you to help my cousin. She's a princess in Africa and needs to move her money out of the country. Could you loan her $100,000 dollars? She'll pay you back with 30% interest. She's totally good for it.

Friends, I ask you to give some serious thought before you spend money on things like these. Or maybe I should make t-shirts asking, "What Would Nicole Do?" You'd buy that, right?

Similar Posts:

• Totally Unnecessary
• Exclamation Point
• More Silly Things

Totally Not Necessary

I cannot believe how many suckers are out there! Why else would people come up with ridiculous products to get the really naive to throw away their money? Here are three things you don't need to spend money on.

My Bud Light

Not to be all beer snob, but why are you people drinking light beer? If you'd take a few minutes to watch the documentary Beer Wars, you'd know this stuff is so watered down, you might as well just buy a bottle of water and mix some food coloring in it. You'd get more of a buzz by taking the last sip of someone's REAL beer and filling the rest of the bottle with water. It's a scam by the big beer makers and you people are falling for it.

And if you have so many friends that you might mix up your weak excuse for a beer that you need to write your name - or favorite insult - on it, you're a tool.

Drink a real beer. You might respect yourself more in the morning.

The Slob Stopper

This is one from the "Are you kidding me?" file.

Even if you are on a lobster-only diet, this is not a good idea. I am a bit of a mess. I will not eat certain things if I'm wearing a white shirt (because I have ruined many white shirts with pasta sauce, chocolate, soda, coffee, etc.). But even I won't spend $14.95 plus shipping and handling for a grown up bib. Why? Because it's ridiculous. Don't buy this for a gag gift. The only exception I see is for senior citizens. If you are old, you can wear anything because you can. Your days are numbered. Do what you like with your money. Just know that your kids will throw it away after you die. Don't will it to anyone except your neighbor in the nursing home.

Boxer Jeans
Oh. My. God.

Fellas, this is wrong on so many levels.

1. These are underwear?
2. These are shorts?
3. These are really short shorts?

No. Just don't. 

I don't want to see someone at the store wearing these, trying to pass off these mini-man panties as outerwear.

The only guy who can get away with this works for a company called "Chippendales." However, I'm not sure if those are actual pockets or just painted to look like them. Wait. I'm not that curious. Please don't show them to me in person.

Dove Nourished Beauty Deodorant
The same people who want you to celebrate your natural beauty are now telling you your armpits are ugly and can be fixed with their deodorant?

The ad says your pits will be "ready to reveal in just five days."

Ladies, if a guy is celebrating your beautiful armpits, you should get away from him. NOW. He is very close to chopping you up and saving only your pits. And if you think deodorant won't make your pits prettier, you're right. Wear your short sleeves to keep cool or avoid a farmer tan! Don't worry about how pretty your pits are. Just worry about them not being stinky. Oh, but seriously, if your pits are ugly, start by shaving them. Unshaven pits are not American.

Similar Posts:

• Exclamation Point!
• More Silly Things
• Where There's A Sucker...

Exclamation Point!

Friends, consider this a public service announcement. There is a new trick in the infomercial game. It's called THE EXCLAMATION POINT!

There's a whole channel devoted to hour-long programs hoped to bring you and your credit card to the nearest phone so you can pay for rushed shipping to get the gimmick to your home. Here are a few recent examples:

Eat and Lose!

I mean, what could be better than eating food AND losing weight at the same time? 

What? You missed this? A simple Google search will give you more than 82 million results. Save money and just choose one of those free ideas. It's probably just as good.

Besides, there is no real trick to losing weight. The answer is what no one wants to hear: eat right and work out. No magic pills will get you to the body you want to keep forever. Trust me. I've tried.

Back Pain Solved!

Luckily, I have not had back pain, so I didn't stick around to see how this one ends. 

I'll speculate that it's some sort of contraption/exercise that should strengthen your back and make the pain go away.

I can't imagine being so desperate for relief that, instead of finding a good doctor who can fix things, you'd resort to some quack on the Internet. Please, don't do this.

Easy Hair Removal!

I had no idea hair removal was difficult. I find it quite easy.

Tedious, but easy.

Note the hour this one was playing. Are there drunk, hairy girls sitting in front of their televisions going, "OOOOH! I so need to make the process of removing hair from my body easier!" 

And I think the only way you could make non-shaving forms of hair removal pain-free is to be sedated. I'm fairly certain drugs are not part of this process. If I'm wrong, please let me know. I'll order this one right away.

Quit Your Job!

This could be the most dangerous infomercial out there.

I like my job most days, but on a bad day, I could see myself watching this and saying, "This is it! I'm sending my money to this stranger and being the boss of me forever!"

However, I'm not crazy enough to believe that would actually happen. I'd quit. I wouldn't make money. I'd have to sell my house, dog and cat and probably myself just to make ends meet. 

Writing news stories isn't so bad. Neither is winning the lottery (that's my official Plan B).

Newest bareMinerals!

Now, I like this makeup. It's light-weight. It doesn't settle into the few wrinkles I've developed. It has pretty colors.

But I would never sit for an hour and watch ladies talk about how great their makeup is without questioning how much they were paid to say it. Girls, take makeup advice from ladies you know.

These strangers are trying to get you to buy this stuff. Speaking from experience, once you do this, they hook you into setting up a regular order so you never run out. You can get a better deal in a store (no shipping). Look into that first. 

2 in 1 Shark Miracle!

Clean floors - a miracle? Shark might be overselling this product. 

Who wouldn't want their floors clean? And if it's easy, that's even better, right?

Let me tell you this: these products often need assembly. Screw that up, and you'll have hot water all over the place! 

Also, check out customer reviews on a product like this before you make that investment.

Cut Heating Bills In Half!

I don't understand how a space heater could save you from running a real heater, but these people swear it will. 

Maybe if I had just one room, this would make sense. But I have a whole house. This doesn't seem like it would make sense.

And after a quick check, wouldn't you know, this is not the perfect solution. Apparently, it's not a good product - or a bargain. Whew. Good to know. EXCLAMATION POINT.

Carve Abs In Bed!

Oh, come on! I fully support a lazy workout, but even I know there's no way this works.

If it did, celebrities would endorse this instead of weight loss foods and their trainers.

I just wish I would have thought of this first. I could be on my own private island laughing at all the suckers who thought they could slim down while sleeping.

So, friends, consider this post a warning: if someone tries to sell you something with an exclamation point in the title, you should keep right on clicking. That commercial is bad news.

More Silly Things

I've seen a few more things that have made me wonder what the hell is going on in this world - or is it just in this country? Here are three things I think we can all do without.

The Girlfriend Jean
You might remember the boyfriend jean, denim cut to look like a lady just tossed on her man's pants, rolled up the hem and just went. Maybe it's because I'm not six feet tall, but I thought they looked a little dumpy. Comfortable (which I love), but dumpy.

Now, Levi's has given fellas a way to show their, well, everything. It's the girlfriend jean. Because what lets a girl know who really wears the pants in the relationship than a dude wearing uncomfortably tight jeans? These are beyond hipster. They're kind of creepy.

How many of you ladies would want your man to wear these? And what would you do if you didn't buy them for him? They are so snug, they might as well be leggings - also inappropriate man attire.

If I catch a man wearing these, I'm going to punch him in the junk. Know why? BECAUSE:

1. His junk will be unmissable.
2. He clearly needs feeling there.
3. I can.

Silicone Body

Ladies (and gentlemen), I totally get that we all want to look a little better. But if you're the before in this picture and want that after image to fill out your clothes, the only time you should do this is for a gag - or maybe an event where people will never see you again.

Why?

Because if someone thinks you have, what are the right words here, actual junk in the trunk and then learns you only have empty space, this is one awkward conversation. Also, you probably won't be able to get the words out before someone touches your fake booty. 

And if you're asking why I included gentlemen in this discussion, well they can buy some silicone parts, too. Creepy dudes take note: the "package booster" is on clearance! 

I have a few questions about how these actually work.

1. If you don't have much padding in the backside, do these silicone things move around? It'd be especially embarrassing if you had one cheek high, the other low!
2. Do they cool? Because the fake booties seem hot. And I bet if they get hot, you go right back to question one.
3. Do they come with suggestions on how to have a conversation about the fake booty? Or even better - is there a card/email you can send that says, "I know you like my booty, but you can have one, too!"
4. Why is there no video testimonial of a guy who uses the "package booster?"

Man Spanx

I'm not even sure why Spanx is making these things for men. What also threw me, when I spotted this at the mall, was why they had a video of dudes like Justin Timberlake playing. I don't think the guys in the video playing next to the undergarments were saying they wear them, I think it was more of a subliminal thing like, "Guys, if you buy these to smooth belly bulge or add a bulge in your pants, starlets will drop their panties for you." Creepy.

I mean, I have seen one of my coworkers wear what was essentially a compression garment during a recent cold spell and I kept yelling at him to stop touching himself because he was constantly trying to pull the garment from his body so he could breathe.

Fellas, if you're thinking about this, let me just tell you this: be prepared to essentially suck in your gut the entire day. It's not comfortable. And when you finally take these things off, your body will hate you. It will also demand you have beer, pizza and ice cream - not necessarily in that order.

Related Posts:

• Where There's A Sucker
• This One's For The Suckers
• Americans Are Lazy
• Itty Bitty Ridiculous

Where There's A Sucker...

There's an infomercial. Or at least someone (this girl) willing to sit through an infomercial or scour an ad to see if these people can seriously sell me on some garbage. Here's my latest roundup of products that caught my eye but won't get my cash.

Xenadrine
Who wouldn't want to lose weight and gain muscle? And if you can get a little help from a bottle, would you? What if you could look like this guy:

Well, I prefer not to look like a douchebag (even if it means more muscle, less fat). I tried to see his progress on Facebook and, well, it's not exactly a glowing endorsement of the product. It's like the live show of his douchebaggery that you kids miss from that Jersey Shore show. Also, if you're taking health advice from a reality show "star," you really should get a doctor. Or, perhaps you should just go ahead and make me a beneficiary. Just in case.

Speaking of reality TV star advice...

Perfect Skin

Now, I do think these Kardashian sisters have great skin (and hair and eyelashes), but I in no way believe they get it out of a bottle. I think there's a lot of help from makeup and some extensions in that hair. Plus, they have a whole glam team. I have seen what these girls look like without makeup. Perfect skin? Not so much.

Bosom Max
I spotted this ad in a magazine.

I decided I needed to do a little bit of research. I found this ad (it's in Spanish, but I think you get the idea).


Vitamin supplement, some sort of firming lotion and a massager you strap on your chest? Ladies, no. This will not work - not permanently any way. Either be happy with what you have, buy a push-up bra or some of those chicken cutlet thingies or save up for some implants. This is just a waste of money. But if you get one, please post video of yourself using this.

EZ Cracker
I have gone back and forth on this one. Part of me hates getting egg on my hands when cracking eggs. No matter how careful I am, I just can't avoid it. Could this really be the answer to my cooking dream?

Probably not. It seems like it takes a couple of steps, then you still have to get the shells into the trash. But it looks kind of fun.

Related Posts:

• Itty Bitty Ridiculous
• Pajama Jeans and More

Apparently Kids Rule The World

You don't have to watch much TV to see that kids rule our world. They tell parents what cars to buy.


They scold parents.


But this out of control behavior isn't just the stuff in commercials. It's REAL.


Why is any parent taking orders from a kid with a pacifier in her mouth?

If these kids are a glimpse into our future, America, I'm afraid for us all. These kids will be sorely disappointed when they grow up and realize everyone does not think they're adorable, perfect and cute. And I really hope none of them show up to work wherever I am.

So, parents, I ask you to please stop letting your kids run your world. I don't want them to run mine.