Monday, March 14, 2011

Exclamation Point!

Friends, consider this a public service announcement. There is a new trick in the infomercial game. It's called THE EXCLAMATION POINT!

There's a whole channel devoted to hour-long programs hoped to bring you and your credit card to the nearest phone so you can pay for rushed shipping to get the gimmick to your home. Here are a few recent examples:

Eat and Lose!
I mean, what could be better than eating food AND losing weight at the same time? 

What? You missed this? A simple Google search will give you more than 82 million results. Save money and just choose one of those free ideas. It's probably just as good.

Besides, there is no real trick to losing weight. The answer is what no one wants to hear: eat right and work out. No magic pills will get you to the body you want to keep forever. Trust me. I've tried.

Back Pain Solved!
Luckily, I have not had back pain, so I didn't stick around to see how this one ends. 

I'll speculate that it's some sort of contraption/exercise that should strengthen your back and make the pain go away.

I can't imagine being so desperate for relief that, instead of finding a good doctor who can fix things, you'd resort to some quack on the Internet. Please, don't do this.

Easy Hair Removal!
I had no idea hair removal was difficult. I find it quite easy.

Tedious, but easy.

Note the hour this one was playing. Are there drunk, hairy girls sitting in front of their televisions going, "OOOOH! I so need to make the process of removing hair from my body easier!" 

And I think the only way you could make non-shaving forms of hair removal pain-free is to be sedated. I'm fairly certain drugs are not part of this process. If I'm wrong, please let me know. I'll order this one right away.

Quit Your Job!
This could be the most dangerous infomercial out there.

I like my job most days, but on a bad day, I could see myself watching this and saying, "This is it! I'm sending my money to this stranger and being the boss of me forever!"

However, I'm not crazy enough to believe that would actually happen. I'd quit. I wouldn't make money. I'd have to sell my house, dog and cat and probably myself just to make ends meet. 

Writing news stories isn't so bad. Neither is winning the lottery (that's my official Plan B).

Newest bareMinerals!
Now, I like this makeup. It's light-weight. It doesn't settle into the few wrinkles I've developed. It has pretty colors.

But I would never sit for an hour and watch ladies talk about how great their makeup is without questioning how much they were paid to say it. Girls, take makeup advice from ladies you know.

These strangers are trying to get you to buy this stuff. Speaking from experience, once you do this, they hook you into setting up a regular order so you never run out. You can get a better deal in a store (no shipping). Look into that first. 

2 in 1 Shark Miracle!
Clean floors - a miracle? Shark might be overselling this product. 

Who wouldn't want their floors clean? And if it's easy, that's even better, right?

Let me tell you this: these products often need assembly. Screw that up, and you'll have hot water all over the place! 

Also, check out customer reviews on a product like this before you make that investment.

Cut Heating Bills In Half!
I don't understand how a space heater could save you from running a real heater, but these people swear it will. 

Maybe if I had just one room, this would make sense. But I have a whole house. This doesn't seem like it would make sense.

And after a quick check, wouldn't you know, this is not the perfect solution. Apparently, it's not a good product - or a bargain. Whew. Good to know. EXCLAMATION POINT.

Carve Abs In Bed!
Oh, come on! I fully support a lazy workout, but even I know there's no way this works.

If it did, celebrities would endorse this instead of weight loss foods and their trainers.

I just wish I would have thought of this first. I could be on my own private island laughing at all the suckers who thought they could slim down while sleeping.

So, friends, consider this post a warning: if someone tries to sell you something with an exclamation point in the title, you should keep right on clicking. That commercial is bad news.
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