Monday, March 7, 2011

Don't. Just... Don't.

Sometimes, I see things that make me ragey. You might think I need medication. I think people need to just not be stupid. I'll show you what I've seen and let you decide.

All Things Charlie Sheen
Look, I like a train wreck. Have you read some of the other entries on this blog? But if I see anyone wearing any one of these shirts, it will take every bit of my strength - and believe me when I say that I AM STRONG - to keep from hitting you. That means you, strangers.

And it's not just the threat of my fists that should keep you from spending money on this stuff.

Will you still wear that shirt when cocaine wins its war with Charlie? He's not a TV/movie character. He's a real person with some serious problems. I imagine he'll tend to them when he's ready. If that happens. I don't find his craziness funny. I find it sad. That's strange, because I can usually get a giggle out of crazy. Not even Dr. Drew could tame this beast - not that Charlie is asking for his help.

Mid-Life Crisis Ken
I'll start by showing you a few photos to give you a chance to see why this is wrong.

If this was Ken's son, I wouldn't be so opposed to these dolls. But Ken is 50. 5-0. His super thick hair is impressive for a guy his age, but he's 50! He should not even consider the fauxhawk or The Bieber. I know that Barbie also looks great for her age, but I want Ken to be more age-appropriate. The mid-life crisis dolls are creepy. One more example:

I really hope people who are in their 50s (ahem, Mom and Dad) don't decide to buy leather outfits and motorcycles and hit the road. I do applaud Barbie and Ken for having helmets. At least we know they're a safety couple.

Truck Nuts
I cannot believe people actually buy these things. I have always wondered what kind of person would see these and say, "Man, a set of balls (or two) hanging from the back of my truck is exactly what I need!"

Then, I found this website which sells these repulsive things. It also sells "hats with hair." Because nothing says, "I'm a tough guy!" like a hat that will make you look like Guy Fieri. You might as well buy a shirt with flames or go full on Ed Hardy. Or just go ahead and change your name to Jon Gosselin.

This brings me to...

Phone Balls
Why?


First of all, how do you keep these things on your phone case when you put it in your pocket? It seems like these balls would be really fragile. Wait. I think the only time that's not the case is with Truck Nuts.

Second, what happens when your cell phone rings at work and you answer it with a tiny set of balls next to your mouth? Do you think your boss would be impressed? If your answer is "Hell, yeah!" you are likely making slightly more than minimum wage and should consider going back to school, finishing high school or just accept that your job is not a career. A real boss would judge you - just like I am. You're a tool.


Third, it doesn't even look like the people who apparently posed for these pictures (friends of the manufacturer? paid models?) even think this is a good idea.

Yes, it's a joke, but look at how the people trying to help sell these ridiculous things can't seem to believe they're actually in business.

The $15 price tag isn't exactly breaking the bank. And it is nice that they're allegedly donating some of the profits to a testicular cancer organization. Wait. That's kind of insulting to put two balls on a cell phone in honor of guys who might just have one ball.

Nope. Can't get on board with this.

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