Friday, May 11, 2012

A Cautionary Tale

Girls, I have seen a few things recently that I don't think you're getting. So if you read nothing else, I hope you pay close attention to this.

Here's Miley Cyrus at Disneyland.

I'm sure she's having a good time, but her breasts are totally going to hate her later.

How do I know this? Because I can tell she is not wearing a bra.

Big deal, you say? It IS a big deal! Sure they're young and perky now. But there will come a day when her boobs give up the fight for gravity (aided by a good bra) and they become so saggy she might as well tuck them into her pants to keep them out of the way.

NOTE: I actually know some older ladies who could do this, but I think they don't want to buy bigger pants, so they just let them rest at their waist. Not cute, ladies.

Also, if it is even remotely warm out, your boobs get sweaty. It's like the underside is struggling to breath. Know what makes them happy? A BRA. Look into it, Miley.

The other thing I've seen a lot of lately is this lady.

If you've been living under a rock (which sounds really uncomfortable and bad for your back, so stop it), this is Tanning Mom.

Besides allegedly putting her pasty preschooler into a tanning bed, her crime is over-tanning. As orange as she is here, you should see her with makeup on. It looks like she's wearing blackface. Even Oompa Loompas like Snooki think this is too much.

Because it is.

This lady clearly has problems. No sane person with a clear vision of what she truly looks like would think this is a good look. If she lives to be an elderly woman, the only way we'll know her age is to count her wrinkles like you count rings on trees.

Which brings me to what the future would be like if Miley and Tanning Mom became one. Brace yourselves, readers. It's not for the squeamish.
Yeah. That's the chest of Magda from There's Something About Mary. Sure she's a fictional character, but it's like those Farrelly Brothers could see the future!

So if you don't want to wind up like that (and you really should set that as at least one of your life goals), put on a bra and stay out of the tanning beds/sun.

You're welcome.
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