Monday, November 28, 2011

All I Want For Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year! Since I don't wish for a Barbie Dream House anymore, I don't have many whimsical wishes - until the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book is out. So here are the things I can probably do without but would not return (mostly).

Roberto Cavalli Jaguar-Print Caftan
True story: I am counting the years until it is totally appropriate for me to give up sized clothing and be "That Muumuu Lady." And this is exactly what I had in mind (though for considerably less than the $1895 asking price).
Mr. Cavalli calls this a caftan. I say that's a fancy word for muumuu.
While this lacks the sequins and sparkles I'd like to wear as a lady of a certain age (because when you get to be a certain age the only ones who mock your clothing are too young to pay their own way).
It does have just the right amount of animal print (always acceptable in one piece of clothing).
I just worry this is too long for me. I'd either have to wear a super high wedge heel or have it altered. Do they hem caftans at Neiman's?
Things to consider.

Natori Shogun Printed Kimono-Sleeve Caftan
At $190, this is practically a steal!
It's silky and flowy - perfect for my future muumuu lifestyle!
The description even says something about easygoing elegance. What else would you expect from someone wearing this?
I know some of you are judging me for my muumuu decision, but here's the deal: I'm not going to wear house shoes with it. I'll wear a cute shoe. I'll even do something with my hair (not curlers). I don't want you to think I'm going full spinster!
I'm saving that for my 60s. I've got a lot of time to come to terms with that. Which brings me to...
Tweezerman Luxe Edition Crystal Slant Tweezer
You might be thinking "No one needs a pair of $100 sparkly tweezers."
You're wrong.
You see, I recently learned that as a lady gets older, hair grows in places it didn't used to.
And it grows fast.
So fast, that it won't be there when you go to sleep, but can be half an inch (or more) long when you wake up. Note to my lady readers who are younger than me: this is something your mother won't tell you until you go through it. I imagine this is the kind of talk you have when going through pregnancy.
So, if I'm going to be doing a thorough sweep each day, I might as well have something sparkly to make me feel less Wicked Stepmother about it.
No! No! Red NO! NO! 8800 Hair Remover
And now I think I may have found the best gift EVER!
At $270, this could do the job of 2.7 sparkly tweezers!
Now, I remember years ago my mom and her friend trying the Epilady. It seemed like some sort of torture device, ripping hairs out in a sudden motion. I remember they both took breaks for cigarettes and beer to get through part of their legs.
But unlike that ancient device (from the 1990s), this one says it's pain-free!
Surely, Neiman's wouldn't let a product advertise as such if it wasn't true.
Before anyone buys me this, I'd like you to try it out on yourself. If it even remotely hurts, take it back. I bruise like a peach and probably couldn't handle it.
I do think it's cute.
Even if it is a torture device.
Salvatore Ferragamo Leopard-Print Sophia Bag
Look, I don't really need another bag.
But I can want all I want. Yeah. Read that a couple of times.
This lovely piece of shoulder art you can pet comes in at $2450.
It is not made of leopard. It's dyed calf skin.
That makes me a little sad because calfs are so cute! I'd like to think they died some peaceful, calm death before their hides were removed with loving care and sent to an Italian artist who patiently painted leopard print on it.
If that's not true, don't you DARE write it in the comments. I will hunt you down and peck you like I'm a rabid turkey.
This is also the kind of bag worthy of a name. I'm going with Leo until I have it in my hands and it tells me what name it used to go by.
Casadei Crystal-Covered Pump
This is a little pointy for me. Also, a four-inch heel is almost the opposite of my preferred shoe choice.
So, here's the deal, Santa: I'll wear these $1500 shoes around the house until my feet get used to them. That will also help my balance get used to being normal person height.
When I'm not wearing them, I'll leave one in the living room and keep the other near my bed stand.
If you're saying, "That stupid girl. She should keep them in their bag and boxed up in her closet when not in use."
Well, YOU'RE stupid! These could totally be used as a weapon!
Did you see Single White Female? When crazy Jennifer Jason Leigh stabbed the guy in the eye with her stiletto, I realized how dangerous shoes can be.
Plus, this is the kind of weapon with which I am least likely to hurt myself. I couldn't "shoe" myself. I could taser myself. And that's why I don't have a taser.
Assouline Custom-Built Library Fantasy Gift
It's no secret I love books, so I absolutely LOVE the idea of having my own library in my house!
I can just see myself curled up with a book in a comfy chair, sipping a beverage (hot coffee in the AM, vino in the PM) and thinking "It's so lovely here, I could take a nap, then start over."
Now, the only thing that makes me think this may not be for me is the $125,000 price tag.
Take that in for a second.
OK. I don't know that I need a single room in my house to cost more than the rest of my house. Unless they turn my little one story into a two story with the library upstairs.
If that happens, the cat (who has been reading over my shoulder) would like to put in a request for an observation deck so he can keep an eye on the downstairs area.
Dream Folly Fantasy Gift
Any item that describes a yurt as being inspired by I Dream of Jeannie gets me.
For $75,000, you don't just get the yurt.
You get the furniture - including the chandelier!
It makes no mention of air conditioning. That concerns me.
It also says it will be delivered to my "estate." Um, I think the delivery people would be disappointed to see my wee little yard in a non-gated community.
My favorite thing about this: having a tent-like item in the backyard would totally count as camping. Life without air conditioning is as close to roughing it as I want to get.
With my luck, my Home Owner's Association would probably tell me this violates the rules. Not worth the fight.
But I can dream.
You can't take that away from me.
International Flower Show Tour Arranged By JetWay Private Air Fantasy Gift
Of all the gifts, this is the least selfish one I could request.
Why? Because I'd get to take you and eight of my other friends on this little European flower romp!
I would buy a fancy hat and a little bag to pay proper tribute to The Queen (because for $420,000, we'd better get a private tea with her).
Tiptoeing through the tulips?
Yes, please!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Ruining The Holidays

Remember when the holiday commercials used to be sweet?

Now, they're so gimmicky and just plain annoying!

Take the Target marathon shopper.

There's the dramatic music that reminds me of some really bad 1980s TV show. But the Sue Sylvester track suit, pearls and heels? Who does that? And her glued on grin? What is that? It's like some sort of over-caffeinated cracked out woman who's excited about fighting a crowd of hundreds for a $10 DVD. I love Target, but I've never seen anyone like that. I'd probably punch her. I couldn't take these ads last year, when they were in constant rotation on TV. I want to stab myself in the eyes when I see them this year - and we still have a LONG way to go until Christmas. If I'm gonna have to deal with a Target lady, I'd like this one.

And if you thought that Friday song was annoying, you'll probably hate this.

I don't even like shopping at Kohl's when it's NOT Black Friday (every one of those stores I've been in are always in disarray - I may not mind my closet like that, but when I'm shopping, I want everything organized). So hearing this annoying song to try to get me there is totally ineffective. I hope there's no more Friday specials so I don't have to hear Kohl's work this into another spot. Hopefully, they'll let it go next year.

Just when I was hoping for the opposite of a very Bieber Christmas, this came along.

How is a bunch of dudes who scream like girls at the sight of this girlie-boy supposed to inspire adults to drop some cash at Macy's? If I wander into their store and encounter those guys, they'll be lucky if all I do is roll my eyes at them. Seriously. He's a boy with a lesbian haircut. I don't get it.

So, how about more of these?

Pretty please???

Friday, November 25, 2011

Week In Pop Culture

Cameron Diaz has some fantastic legs!
Eva Longoria is a secret smoker.

Kirstie Alley's habit isn't so secret.

Hulk Hogan's divorce settlement sounds painful.

Susan Boyle has a nice house that she doesn't live in.

George Michael has pneumonia.

Jack Wagner just met his 23-year-old daughter.

I am not crying over the "indefinite hiatus" of the Black Eyed Peas.

Hey, dude! That's Jake Gyllenhaal right next to you!
Miley Cyrus is getting a tattoo/tattoos removed.

Nicole Scherzinger is getting cheeky - literally.

I'm not sure the Oscars need a comedy category.

Jeremy Renner is talking about his Bourne role.

Janet Jackson is in the fur business.

A country singer has a baby girl.

Curtis Stone and Lindsay Price have a baby boy.

Pierce Brosnan - the anti-Bond?
Andy Cohen's live late night show will be on five nights a week.

Alyssa Milano's son might be the smallest sports fan.

Lollapalooza sounds like fun - if not for the potential to be kidnapped by cartels.

Hillary Swank's apartment looks cool.

Justin Bieber has taken that paternity test.

Angelina Jolie needs to eat a few cheeseburgers.

Reese Witherspoon's fly is open.
The Rock has lined up another movie I won't see.

The NBC news family - where children of politicos find work.

Uh oh. Jenny McCarthy is looking for love online. If that doesn't work, I'm afraid she's going to look on reality TV.

I'm so glad NBC likes Up All Night.

Casting for the Freddie Mercury biopic is interesting.

It's Beyonce and her bump!
If you can't wait, here are some Dark Knight Rises details.

Katy Perry (and, I presume, her boobs) will host SNL in December.

Jessica Simpson isn't even finished gaining her pregnancy weight and she's already being paid to lose it.

Jason Segel is looking for a girl to hang with his puppets.

Speaking of puppets, NBC has picked up a puppet show.

Wesley Snipes has a large credit card bill.

Lindsay Lohan's dad is back in rehab.

George Clooney had elbow surgery.

Even when she's falling down, Salma Hayek looks great.
VH1 hasn't run out of Divas.

Kristen Wiig is GQ's Bro of the Year.

If Ashton Kutcher thinks he can buy love, he should try buying my like. It's cheaper.

Liza Minnelli is blaming her dog for her broken leg.

I don't know why January Jones isn't carrying her baby.

Jennifer Lopez wants to remind you she's single - and maybe young? And a lip syncher?
Come on, Christina Aguilera!

Here's what the stars wore to the AMAs.

Emma Watson is in school.

The hilarious Amy Poehler was recognized for being funny. And her speech was really funny.

Robin Gibb has cancer.

As often as it seems to happen, Jennifer Love Hewitt does not handle a break up well.

Soon moviegoers will see this guy's business.

ICYMI: Here's why people are speculating Anna Kournikova is pregnant.

This could be a wax Blake Lively for all I know.
Mila Kunis kept her promise to a Marine.

Arrested Development has a new home.

Jeremy London appears to be back in trouble.

One of the Pointer Sisters is in trouble.

Elisabeth Shue is coming to TV.

I'm beginning to get excited about the new Great Gatsby.

I'm also excited about going back to Oz.

Jay-Z sounds like he's going to be a good dad.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!

Here's a little something to help you pass the time while you wait to get your turkey on/fight the food coma.
PS - apologies to you Native American readers. Your land is lovely and we haven't taken care of it like we should have.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

OOOH! Shiny Things!

Like most girls, I am drawn to shiny things. You know, things like this:
So, when the folks at Palladium decided they needed to put a celebrity in their campaign, they should have thought more carefully. This ad caught my attention, but probably not for the reason the jewelry company hoped.
The ring shown is an eye catcher. Pamela Anderson - not so much. I mean, the words "I'm so over heavy metal" can't possibly be true. I read US Weekly. I know her history (if you're not familiar, Google with caution). Why would I want to be like her? I applaud Ms. Anderson for getting work that mostly keeps her covered, but when I see her jewelry is hardly the first thing anyone notices. Not smart.
Kelly Osbourne is a classier choice, but there's absolutely NO WAY she's over heavy metal. Her dad would kill her! I wouldn't exactly kill for that ring, but I would probably find a way to slide it off someone's finger and onto mine, then wander off like I forgot I had it.
Well, this is just not fair. These ladies always look classy and it really wouldn't matter what they're wearing - on their bodies or fingers or ears. And you know what's nice about this? It's REAL. They're not all airbrushed and pretending like they're not into rockers (FTR, their husbands are not in the music biz). I'm sure these ladies didn't keep these jewels. They could have even been paid to wear them. But they're not selling a silly line. They might like their jewelry to be lightweight, but they're not being punny. Palladium jewelry should make note of that.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I Think I Know You

I really have to hand it to Adam. I gave him an assignment and he has come through. I hope he doesn't think I'm paying him for each of these (and if he does, my going rate is one penny per item). So, let's take a look at some of his recent personalized license plate sightings.
So, Melisa. I see you're a fan of Aggies and Cowboys - and the Jesus Fish! Also, now I know what  name to shout when you cut me off in traffic. Thanks for that!
I'm not sure if this is the Cadillac driver's last name or if they like Yorkie dogs.
I'm thinking this driver likes his fast car and calls it the "Texas Rocket." Or he's into racketeering - in which case, he should not advertise this as the Feds will be onto him in no time.
This one's confusing. Does this driver like Lake Amistad? Is he asking/stating "Am I a Stud?" If it's the second one, I'm gonna say no. Yukons are what parents drive to take their kids to and from soccer practice.
Oh, Infiniti driver! You're so cute! You're telling me your Jaguar-esque car ate a Jag? Is that why they look alike? Is it like when a really ambitious snake eats something huge and you can see the outline of its catch in the middle of its body? Neat!
ORNGE? Um, color blind driver, your Hummer is NOT orange. It's silverish. Not even a hint of orange. Also, your giant gas guzzler kind of makes me want to stab the spare tire.

That's all for now. You can see other personalized license plates here.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Week In Pop Culture

Here's Anne Hathaway occupying Wall Street.
Fellas, be glad Sofia Vergara didn't take a publicist's advice.

Those wax figures usually look good. I don't know what happened with Selena Gomez's figure.

I think Elle MacPherson looks good without makeup.

I'm going to miss Regis in the morning.

Alex Rodriguez seems to have moved on from Cameron Diaz.

Kid, this isn't even Lady Gaga's scariest outfit.
I am fascinated by the re-opening of the case of Natalie Wood's death!

Dr. Dre is taking a break from music.

Tori Spelling's husband "accidentally" posted a picture of her boobs on Twitter.

Juliette Lewis was in a bikini this week.

The latest bad idea remake: Munsters.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are officially over. And I'm not sure why we need to hear stories like this.

Heidi Klum, I don't get this.
George Clooney might be afraid of his girlfriend.

Joy Behar is quitting her HLN show.

Do we need more biblical epics?

Catherine Zeta-Jones is in a movie with Mark Wahlberg?

Ricky Gervais will officially be back at the Golden Globes.

I cannot believe people are calling Miley Cyrus fat.
South Park will be around for a few more years.

Niki Taylor has a new baby.

Justin Bieber's paternity mess is just dumb.

Those Fanning girls are adorable!

Mariah Carey may have an interesting choice in a new manager.

This Jessica Simpson story is not really believable.

I would like to file my formal protest against People's Sexiest Man Alive selection. Ryan Gosling was ROBBED! At least I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I haven't done the research, but if there is not a "Celebrity Sweat Stain" site, there should be.
I don't care what Margaret Thatcher's friends say, I'm still watching Meryl Streep play the Iron Lady.

Connie Britton has a baby boy.

Gene Simmons is not a fan of Axl Rose.

Don't get too excited about that new Amy Winehouse album.

Johnny Depp is funny.

Just when I was starting to like Suburgatory, they had to go do this.

This Spiderman lawsuit is getting nasty.

I guess The Oprah is OK with her BFF leaving her network to go to CBS.

Look who's a spokespig!
Chelsea Handler is earning big bucks!

Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner called off their engagement.

Britney Spears is back in a bikini.

Angelina Jolie doesn't appear to be quitting acting any time soon.

And here's why I love Amy Adams.

Oh, Courtney Love.

Smoking is NOT sexy, Rihanna.
I'm not sure I believe Cameron Diaz is hooking up with this guy.

Hells Angels did a nice deed for Dita Von Teese.

SNL's Keenan Thompson is married.

Pamela Anderson is playing the Virgin Mary.

I feel a little sorry for celebrities. Stories like this make it hard for them to turn down fans without coming off as jerks.

I just can't picture kids singing along to a song called I Got AIDS.

Kathy Griffin.
I find this story about Katie Holmes to be completely believable.

A nun wants her some of that Sister Act money.

With a comic book worth a couple of million dollars, it's no wonder Nic Cage has financial problems!

Anna Kournikova isn't helping people lose weight anymore.

Kelly Brook is the anti-teen girl role model. Seriously, ladies of all ages need to stop doing that.

This is exactly how I believe Leonardo DiCaprio spends his birthdays.

Some "actress" and her lawsuit against is getting nasty.

Those Kardashians really need to get over themselves.

Lady Gaga.
Madonna apparently forgot she's a mother.

I'd like to speak for the world here: NO ONE wants Courtney Love to perform topless.

NBC has hired another daughter of a former president.

So, Jesse James is still a jerk.

Brad Pitt says he's retiring from acting, just not on a specific date.

Jay-Z had a t-shirt scandal.

Jennifer Lopez might be dating a dancer.

Oprah, your honorary Oscar does not forgive your support of those stereotypical (and somewhat racist) Tyler Perry movies.

I like that Gwen Stefani and her son are dressed alike.
Justin Timberlake made good on his promise to go to the Marine Corps Ball.

I need Reese Witherspoon's home.

Zoe Saldana is single, fellas.

Stories like this make Melissa McCarthy even more lovable.

Some actress who I don't know is getting divorced.

This story from Adam Sandler is funny, but not so funny that I want to see Jack and Jill.

Love that Katy Perry is doing a free concert in a big venue for fans.

R. Kelly is just strange.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Why People Hate Jury Duty

I feel confident in saying "people" and not "I" in the title. Why? Because I lost eight hours of my life to this tedious process.

First, I left my house at 7 a.m. in an attempt to get to the courthouse before my 8 a.m. call. That may not be a big deal to you, but it's HUGE to me. You see, I don't work a daytime schedule, so when I get home prime time television is over and all the late night shows are in full swing. By the time I went to sleep, it was around 2 a.m. I woke up at 6 a.m. so I could be a little less zombie-like. I get in the car and hit the highway, which looks like this.
Now, I fully believe the highway signs should not just warn of congestion. They should be more specific. Say something like "You're not getting anywhere soon" or "Enter if you want to reach a top speed of 15 MPH." It takes me three highways to get downtown and each one of them had traffic moving like someone installed traffic lights on them overnight. What should have taken no more than a half hour took one hour and 25 minutes.

Then, I find the parking garage my jury summons says the courthouse will validate. FULL. So, seeing as I'm 45 minutes late for jury duty, I figure a few more minutes won't be a big deal. I cruise some parking lots. FULL. Then, I find a parking garage a few blocks away, squeeze into the first spot I see, then walk to the courthouse. Thankfully, there's no punishment for being nearly an hour late. I sit down, listen to the lady giving instructions with what I can only assume are the same weekly punchlines provided to keep jurors who clearly don't watch any late night television (where the comedy actually happens) a giggle.

And so begins my wait. I brought a book. While the county generously provides free wi-fi, I found every time I put my device away, I had to log back in. As I looked around, I realized there are a lot of people who aren't at all afraid of sleeping in public.
I was trying to be discreet in my photo taking. That guy was actually snoring. I wish I would have recorded video because he was pretty loud. While many snickered, no one dared wake him. In between my picture taking, I decided to pace myself on my book reading because I was afraid I might finish and then I might have to make contact with my "peers."

By 3 p.m., everybody settled their differences to avoid the judgment of us potential jurors and we were sent home. I collected my things and walked back to the parking garage, where I paid $15. I only wish my $6 jury duty earnings would cover that!

The thing is, I really DO want to be on a jury! I have been summoned three times now and every time, the case has been settled. With all the time spent waiting, it almost seems like it would be better if the courts sent a summons to get people to show up and pre-approved them (get rid of the people who have excuses - legitimate, of course). Then, have those smaller pools of people show up when both sides are ready to choose a jury. Take a phone number, email, pager number (do people still use those?) and call the people the night before to tell them if they're still needed or not. But having hundreds of people sit around for nearly a full day can't be the most efficient way of doing things. It seems like the ONLY way of doing things. I wouldn't be surprised if I suggested this to the officials in charge that they'd respond with the typical government phrase, "It's how we've always done it." Get with it, jury selectors!