Monday, November 28, 2011

All I Want For Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year! Since I don't wish for a Barbie Dream House anymore, I don't have many whimsical wishes - until the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book is out. So here are the things I can probably do without but would not return (mostly).

Roberto Cavalli Jaguar-Print Caftan
True story: I am counting the years until it is totally appropriate for me to give up sized clothing and be "That Muumuu Lady." And this is exactly what I had in mind (though for considerably less than the $1895 asking price).
Mr. Cavalli calls this a caftan. I say that's a fancy word for muumuu.
While this lacks the sequins and sparkles I'd like to wear as a lady of a certain age (because when you get to be a certain age the only ones who mock your clothing are too young to pay their own way).
It does have just the right amount of animal print (always acceptable in one piece of clothing).
I just worry this is too long for me. I'd either have to wear a super high wedge heel or have it altered. Do they hem caftans at Neiman's?
Things to consider.

Natori Shogun Printed Kimono-Sleeve Caftan
At $190, this is practically a steal!
It's silky and flowy - perfect for my future muumuu lifestyle!
The description even says something about easygoing elegance. What else would you expect from someone wearing this?
I know some of you are judging me for my muumuu decision, but here's the deal: I'm not going to wear house shoes with it. I'll wear a cute shoe. I'll even do something with my hair (not curlers). I don't want you to think I'm going full spinster!
I'm saving that for my 60s. I've got a lot of time to come to terms with that. Which brings me to...
Tweezerman Luxe Edition Crystal Slant Tweezer
You might be thinking "No one needs a pair of $100 sparkly tweezers."
You're wrong.
You see, I recently learned that as a lady gets older, hair grows in places it didn't used to.
And it grows fast.
So fast, that it won't be there when you go to sleep, but can be half an inch (or more) long when you wake up. Note to my lady readers who are younger than me: this is something your mother won't tell you until you go through it. I imagine this is the kind of talk you have when going through pregnancy.
So, if I'm going to be doing a thorough sweep each day, I might as well have something sparkly to make me feel less Wicked Stepmother about it.
No! No! Red NO! NO! 8800 Hair Remover
And now I think I may have found the best gift EVER!
At $270, this could do the job of 2.7 sparkly tweezers!
Now, I remember years ago my mom and her friend trying the Epilady. It seemed like some sort of torture device, ripping hairs out in a sudden motion. I remember they both took breaks for cigarettes and beer to get through part of their legs.
But unlike that ancient device (from the 1990s), this one says it's pain-free!
Surely, Neiman's wouldn't let a product advertise as such if it wasn't true.
Right?
Before anyone buys me this, I'd like you to try it out on yourself. If it even remotely hurts, take it back. I bruise like a peach and probably couldn't handle it.
I do think it's cute.
Even if it is a torture device.
Salvatore Ferragamo Leopard-Print Sophia Bag
Look, I don't really need another bag.
But I can want all I want. Yeah. Read that a couple of times.
This lovely piece of shoulder art you can pet comes in at $2450.
It is not made of leopard. It's dyed calf skin.
That makes me a little sad because calfs are so cute! I'd like to think they died some peaceful, calm death before their hides were removed with loving care and sent to an Italian artist who patiently painted leopard print on it.
If that's not true, don't you DARE write it in the comments. I will hunt you down and peck you like I'm a rabid turkey.
This is also the kind of bag worthy of a name. I'm going with Leo until I have it in my hands and it tells me what name it used to go by.
Casadei Crystal-Covered Pump
This is a little pointy for me. Also, a four-inch heel is almost the opposite of my preferred shoe choice.
So, here's the deal, Santa: I'll wear these $1500 shoes around the house until my feet get used to them. That will also help my balance get used to being normal person height.
When I'm not wearing them, I'll leave one in the living room and keep the other near my bed stand.
If you're saying, "That stupid girl. She should keep them in their bag and boxed up in her closet when not in use."
Well, YOU'RE stupid! These could totally be used as a weapon!
Did you see Single White Female? When crazy Jennifer Jason Leigh stabbed the guy in the eye with her stiletto, I realized how dangerous shoes can be.
Plus, this is the kind of weapon with which I am least likely to hurt myself. I couldn't "shoe" myself. I could taser myself. And that's why I don't have a taser.
Assouline Custom-Built Library Fantasy Gift
It's no secret I love books, so I absolutely LOVE the idea of having my own library in my house!
I can just see myself curled up with a book in a comfy chair, sipping a beverage (hot coffee in the AM, vino in the PM) and thinking "It's so lovely here, I could take a nap, then start over."
Now, the only thing that makes me think this may not be for me is the $125,000 price tag.
Take that in for a second.
OK. I don't know that I need a single room in my house to cost more than the rest of my house. Unless they turn my little one story into a two story with the library upstairs.
If that happens, the cat (who has been reading over my shoulder) would like to put in a request for an observation deck so he can keep an eye on the downstairs area.
Dream Folly Fantasy Gift
Any item that describes a yurt as being inspired by I Dream of Jeannie gets me.
For $75,000, you don't just get the yurt.
You get the furniture - including the chandelier!
It makes no mention of air conditioning. That concerns me.
It also says it will be delivered to my "estate." Um, I think the delivery people would be disappointed to see my wee little yard in a non-gated community.
My favorite thing about this: having a tent-like item in the backyard would totally count as camping. Life without air conditioning is as close to roughing it as I want to get.
Ever.
With my luck, my Home Owner's Association would probably tell me this violates the rules. Not worth the fight.
But I can dream.
You can't take that away from me.
International Flower Show Tour Arranged By JetWay Private Air Fantasy Gift
Of all the gifts, this is the least selfish one I could request.
Why? Because I'd get to take you and eight of my other friends on this little European flower romp!
I would buy a fancy hat and a little bag to pay proper tribute to The Queen (because for $420,000, we'd better get a private tea with her).
Tiptoeing through the tulips?
Yes, please!
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