Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Just Like A "Real" Housewife!

I'm not a housewife, but I am real! Really! I AM!!! I totally confess to watching every episode of this series - even the (yawn) Miami girls who are definitely real - REAL BORING.

I noticed a lot of these ladies are making a killing - not from their Bravo show, but from a whole line of products. So, if money is no object, I can be just like them!

Vicki Gunvalson
She's the one from Orange County who's always saying, "I work!" Well, if self-promotion is a job, she's the queen! On her plate:

  • More Than A Housewife - In addition to her insurance company, Vicki has added author to her job titles. So, ladies AND gentlemen, you, too can go from tough times to living it up. WOO HOO!
  • Radio host - I didn't listen to the show, but I'm pretty sure the advice includes "WORK!" and "WORK MORE!"
  • Eyelash Growth Stimulator - How else do you woo customers than with your super-long lashes? 
Gretchen Rossi
This girl's not married, but she qualifies as a housewife. And it's probably a good thing for her because she has some stuff to sell.
  • Makeup - She has a line of moderately-priced products. The site says you won't feel like you're wearing makeup. Hmmm. I'm not a believer. Every time I see this girl on the show, it looks like she has a LOT of makeup on. Either she's not wearing her own line or the product is not as advertised.
  • Clothing - This girl is literally selling the clothes off her back. So if you're teeny tiny and like to show off your, um, assets, go for it, ladies!
  • Handbags - The bags are cute, but not exactly unique. I have see the same bags by bigger names for considerably less. If I'm going to pay that much for a bag, I'm choosing an established brand for my investment. I'd pass on these.
  • Tan Like Gretchen - If you want to know how she keeps from being pasty white, this is the secret. And it'll cost you.
Alexis Bellino
Reading her profile, I find it interesting that one of the things mentioned is her "older husband." It's a good thing she has a nanny (or two) to take care of her kids because she's not just a mother.
  • Hotel - Her site says "My Hotel," and the link takes you to Invogue Laguna Beach. The hotel is a step up from a Holiday Inn Express, but not quite the Four Seasons. I couldn't see what her involvement is in this place, so it could be anything from: a cocktail inspired by her, a room designed/inspired by her or actual ownership of the place.
  • Clothing - If you like your dress cut down to your navel and the hemline that barely covers your booty, get ready for this line (her shop is not up and running at this writing).
  • Everything Else - If she's your role model and doesn't make the product you want, you can buy anything to be just like Alexis.
Ramona Singer
This New York lady and her super wide eyes (also crazy-looking) is always doing one of two things on this show: working or drinking wine. I like that. We could be sisters - if I would admit that I'm completely looney while making a profit. Her other jobs:
  • Wine - FINALLY a product from one of these ladies that does not involve hoochie/cougar attire! And if you're almost always going to be seen drinking something, isn't it better if you get paid for it?
  • Jewelry - She has a line on HSN and another one that is mostly religious. I'm willing to be every piece she wears on the new season of RHONYC is from her own collection. 
  • Skin Care - The product descriptions are good, but I'm not putting these on my face without a sampler (so, Ramona, email me!).
LuAnn de Lesseps
The Countess! She has a few side gigs.
  • Book - Class lessons. I'm not so sure ordinary people are picking this up - unless it's for the novelty of owning this.
  • Music - If you use auto tune in your music, count me out. I don't care if "Elegance is learned," it doesn't make a great lyric. Neither does "Money can't buy you class." Try getting that out of your head, my friend.
Kelly Killoren Bensimon
Well, she might be one of the nuttiest ladies on this show, but if it helps her sell her stuff, I guess that's good?
  • Books - She's written not one, but THREE books! That alone makes the other housewives look like slackers!
  • Jewelry - So. Many. Feathers. It's like a tranny's boa exploded onto an earring/necklace. But if that's your thing, she's got it.
  • Clothing - Nothing really special here. However, if you're looking for hoochie attire, she's not your housewife. It's mostly lounge wear - including panties (?).
Jill Zarin
She is the busiest of the busy bodies - and I'm not just talking about business, though she does have a lot on her plate.
  • Book - I'm not Jewish, but if I wanted a Jewish mother, I'd pick up this book - from the sale rack.
  • Shapewear - So this is the secret to looking squeezed into your housewife clothes? Got it.
  • Fabrics - I got nothing on this.
I'm not looking up the Miami girls (too boring to have an interesting thing to sell) - or those ladies from seasons that aren't in the rotation right now. I've given you plenty of ways to live out your housewife dreams. As much as I like these shows (mostly for the opportunities to roll my eyes and shout "What is wrong with you?" at the telelvision), I can't see spending a penny on any of their products. 

Unless you pay me.
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