You might remember the boyfriend jean, denim cut to look like a lady just tossed on her man's pants, rolled up the hem and just went. Maybe it's because I'm not six feet tall, but I thought they looked a little dumpy. Comfortable (which I love), but dumpy.
Now, Levi's has given fellas a way to show their, well, everything. It's the girlfriend jean. Because what lets a girl know who really wears the pants in the relationship than a dude wearing uncomfortably tight jeans? These are beyond hipster. They're kind of creepy.
How many of you ladies would want your man to wear these? And what would you do if you didn't buy them for him? They are so snug, they might as well be leggings - also inappropriate man attire.
If I catch a man wearing these, I'm going to punch him in the junk. Know why? BECAUSE:
- His junk will be unmissable.
- He clearly needs feeling there.
- I can.
Ladies (and gentlemen), I totally get that we all want to look a little better. But if you're the before in this picture and want that after image to fill out your clothes, the only time you should do this is for a gag - or maybe an event where people will never see you again.
Because if someone thinks you have, what are the right words here, actual junk in the trunk and then learns you only have empty space, this is one awkward conversation. Also, you probably won't be able to get the words out before someone touches your fake booty.
And if you're asking why I included gentlemen in this discussion, well they can buy some silicone parts, too. Creepy dudes take note: the "package booster" is on clearance!
I have a few questions about how these actually work.
- If you don't have much padding in the backside, do these silicone things move around? It'd be especially embarrassing if you had one cheek high, the other low!
- Do they cool? Because the fake booties seem hot. And I bet if they get hot, you go right back to question one.
- Do they come with suggestions on how to have a conversation about the fake booty? Or even better - is there a card/email you can send that says, "I know you like my booty, but you can have one, too!"
- Why is there no video testimonial of a guy who uses the "package booster?"
I'm not even sure why Spanx is making these things for men. What also threw me, when I spotted this at the mall, was why they had a video of dudes like Justin Timberlake playing. I don't think the guys in the video playing next to the undergarments were saying they wear them, I think it was more of a subliminal thing like, "Guys, if you buy these to smooth belly bulge or add a bulge in your pants, starlets will drop their panties for you." Creepy.
I mean, I have seen one of my coworkers wear what was essentially a compression garment during a recent cold spell and I kept yelling at him to stop touching himself because he was constantly trying to pull the garment from his body so he could breathe.
Fellas, if you're thinking about this, let me just tell you this: be prepared to essentially suck in your gut the entire day. It's not comfortable. And when you finally take these things off, your body will hate you. It will also demand you have beer, pizza and ice cream - not necessarily in that order.