I will drink:
- When a winner thanks God.
- When a winner thanks their Momma.
- When a winner cries.
- When a winner curses.
- When a winner is cut off by the music.
And I'm adding a few more to that list (these were suggested here):
- When the hosts make fun of each other.
- When the hosts laugh a little too hard.
- When someone I did not pick to win gets the statue.
Now... LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
Nice little montage of the best picture nominees set to scary music. Makes me a little frantic. Wish that meant I could drink. Then, Anne and James insert themselves into Inception. Love the cameo with Alec Baldwin who fell asleep before he could tell Anne the secret to hosting the Oscars. Oh, they're in Alec's dream. The Facebook movie is also in the dream. So's The Fighter. Now, they're in True Grit. Anne is the little girl riding up with the bear (played by James). Morgan Freeman! He narrates Alec's dreams! UNFAIR! They travel back to old timey England. then, a stop in Black Swansville. Anne is the brown duck. James is wearing a leotard that shows a bit too much of hismelf. They find Alec. He said if it were his dream, he'd be hosting the Oscars. He said it was a dream within a dream and said, "You just got Inceptioned!" And now they're - Back to The Future? Did they just want to get in that silly DeLorean? James has his cell phone. Is he Tweeting? Anne is wearing a gorgeous white gown. Celebs are clapping - probably because they know these hosts won't be mean to them.
Anne seems excited, James doesn't seem to be that interested. He points out that he's nominated. Anne acts disappointed about getting naked and not being nominated. FIRST DRINK! James said he's not nervous. Oh, shout outs to their moms. She told Anne to stand up straight - then pointed and said, "Steven Spielberg is over there." Why does Anne keep holding her stomach? Is she going to throw up? James introduces his grandmother. She says, "I just saw Marky Mark." James corrects her to say that it's Mark Wahlberg. Lesbian jokes. Not funny.
Clip of 1939's Gone With The Wind. Random.
Tom Hanks gave the hosts a thumbs up, then got on with his presentation. No award yet. Another clip, this time one from The Titanic. Finally! The first award is for Achievement in Art Direction. REALLY? STARTING THE SHOW OFF WITH AN AWARD THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN ON ANOTHER DAY? The winner is: Alice in Wonderland. You people better hurry! They will play you out because no one - other than art directors - cares about this category!
Hanks gives out the award for Achievement in Cinematography. The winner is: Inception. Dude - glasses on the forehead. Not anyone's best look. The clock is ticking. I'm losing interest and we have more than three hours to go! He thanked his mom! ANOTHER DRINK!
Anne's still wearing the same dress. Kirk Douglas is the next presenter. Oh, he's using a cane. Couldn't they just place him somewhere so he wouldn't have to walk? Standing ovation for the old guy. Sweet. If I cry, can I drink? He told James that he looks much better out of the cave. He thanked Anne and said, "She's gorgeous! Where were you when I was making pictures?" He said some things I couldn't understand. I want to hug him! He's presenting the nominees for Best Supporting Actress. I'm pretty sure everyone else is thinking, "Why are we sitting through this? Melissa Leo is winning." Kirk said Hugh Jackman was laughing. He said, "I don't know why everyone in Australia thinks I'm funny. Colin Firth is not laughing. He's British. (Shot of Colin trying not to giggle)." James gives him the envelope. More stalling. These ladies are going to rush the stage! He said he was nominated three times and lost every time. The winner is: Melissa Leo! Hailee was my pick - DRINK AGAIN! She had Kirk pinch her. He said, "You're much more beautiful than you were in The Fighter." Then, some guy pulled Kirk away. Melissa was at a loss for words. She thanked everyone from the movie. She's crying. DRINK AGAIN! She said, "When I watched Kate two years ago, it looked so f---ing easy!" DRINK AGAIN! She thanked mom! DRINK AGAIN! Love her - not just because I got four drinks out of her win.
Anne said, "I thought 'F' stood for The Fighter." Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake are the next presenters. Justin said, "I'm Banksy." Why don't they have Justin host this? They're presenting the awards for animated films. First, Best Animated Short Film. The winner is: The Lost Thing. Blah blah blah. Don't care. Next, Best Animated Feature Film. The winner is: Toy Story 3. OH GOOD! The only one of the animated films I saw! He thanked the Academy and Pixar. He thanked his parents - DRINK AGAIN!
Anne's still in the white dress. Another clip from the past: this one showing the first Oscars ceremony. Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem take the stage in matching cream-colored jackets. They are presenting the award for Best Adapted Screenplay. The winner is: Aaron Sorkin for The Social Network. He is brilliant. Will I win a drink from his speech??? Points for referencing Network. LOVE that movie! HE THANKED HIS MOM - DRINK AGAIN! Uh oh. MUSIC! THAT TOTALLY COUNTS - DRINK AGAIN! He also told his daughter that he just won the Academy Award. He's asking for respect from her guinea pig. Sweet. Picture with Justin Timberlake is a bonus. You're welcome.
Next award - Best Original Screenplay. The winner is: David Seidler for The King's Speech. He couldn't quite see the microphone. He started by talking about his father, who said that he'd be a late bloomer. He said he's the oldest person to win this award. He hoped the record was broken quickly and often. He thanked his kids, then everyone else involved in that wonderful movie. He thanked The Queen. He accepted the award on behalf of all the stutterers around the world.
Anne's in a tuxedo. She sings an original song, calling out Hugh Jackman for not singing with her. AWKWARD. I'm drinking. Yes, Anne can sing, but this is boring me. James came out dressed like Marilyn Monroe from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. He said he just got a text from Charlie Sheen.
Russell Brand and Helen Mirren are the next presenters. Their category is for Best Foreign Language Film. Helen spoke in French, with Russell "translating." The winner is: In A Better World. Haven't seen that one. Adding it to my Netflix queue. Must know if it's worthy. I can't tell if the lady is about to cry or she's struggling to find English words. DRINKING ANYWAY.
Reese Witherspoon and a super cute ponytail presents Best Supporting Actor. The winner is: Christian Bale. I always forget he's not from this country until I hear him speak not on film. He said he's not going to "drop the F-bomb (like Melissa), I've done that plenty before." He made a shout out to Dickie and dickeklund.com. He got choked up thanking his wife. COUNTS AS TEARS - DRINKING!
Some Academy dude is standing on the stage talking about the awards show and ABC sticking together through 2020. I want a piece of cake.
Anne's out of the tux and in a beautiful grey gown. Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman are the next presenters. Hey! Aussies! I should have made that a drinkable duo! They're talking about the importance of sound in films. Then, an orchestra breaks out into some of the most notable movie scores. They're presenting the award for Best Original Score. The winner is: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for The Social Network. Boring speech (translation: nothing urging me to drink).
Scarlet Johansson and Matthew McConaughey present Best Achievement in Sound Mixing. The winner is: the Inception bunch. MUSIC - DRINKING AGAIN! The next award: Best Achievement in Sound Editing. The winner is: Richard King for Inception. Is everyone going to thank Christopher Nolan since he didn't get nominated for his directing?
James is no longer wearing the dress.
Marisa Tomei recapped the technical awards (which were given away earlier in February).
Cate Blanchett presented (while wearing a doily) the award for Best Achievement in Makeup. After seeing a clip of The Wolfman, Cate said, "That's gross." The winner is: The Wolfman. I guess if this movie couldn't have monster ticket sales an Oscar will do nicely. The next award is for Best Achievement in Costume Design. The winner is: Colleen Atwood for Alice in Wonderland. Oh, man. She's reading her speech. Noooooo! Also, Madonna called from the 80s. She wants her gloves back. She's sniffling AND music is playing - I'M DRINKING TWICE!
Kevin Spacey sang "Top Hat is Sung" while introducing the nominees for Best Original Song. Randy Newman performed "We Belong Together" from Toy Story 3. Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi performed "I See The Light" from Tangled.
Amy Adams and Jake Gyllenhaal present the award for Best Documentary - Short Subject. The winner is: Strangers No More. Next award is for Best Live Action - Short Film. The winner is: God of Love. Luke Matheny and his hair accepted the award. He's reading too fast to have some emotion. NOTE: If I am ever so lucky to be nominated, I'm not writing anything down. I'm dropping F-bombs. HE THANKED HIS MOM - DRINKING AGAIN!
Just realized Anne has changed into a gold dress. MY EARS! MY GOD, MY EARS! They auto-tuned the movies. THIS IS HORRIBLE! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP OR I'LL BE FORCED TO DRINK UNTIL I'M DEAD!!! Oscar, never EVER do that to me again! Anne shimmied to make her dress move. STOP.
Oprah is in the hizzy! WHAT!?!? If they can auto-tune the movies, I can use that word. Wow. Oprah's breasticles are about to hop through my TV and smack me. She's presenting the award for Best Documentary Feature. The winner is: Inside Job. BOOO! I WANTED BANKSY! WAIT. THAT MEANS I CAN DRINK! Downer - talking about no financial jerks in jail. MUSIC - I'M DRINKING AGAIN!
Billy Crystal got lots of applause (some from me, as I wish he'd just take over). He said the show is running long - SHOCK. He gave a little Oscar history, talking about hosts. Bob Hope hosted 18 times? Wow! Billy hosted eight times. He told a sweet story about Bob giving him the finger when Billy was hosting. Then, a clip of Bob hosting. Wait. It's like a hologram. No way this is keeping the show on time. Fake Bob Hope voice tosses to Robert Downey, Jr., and Jude Law. Jude makes a crack at Robert being busted with a girl dressed as Bat Girl, which Robert corrects him - she was dressed as Wonder Woman. Why don't these two host the show? They're presenting the award for Best Visual Effects. The winner is: the Inception people. The next award is for Best Film Editing. The winner is: The Social Network team. Typical speeches - without meeting my drinking criteria. YAWN.
Anne's in a red dress. James made movie names sound dirty: Winter's Bone, Rabbit Hole, How To Train Your Dragon. I'M DRINKING!
Jennifer Hudson introduced the two final Best Original Song nominees. Florence performed "If I Rise" from 127 Hours. Gwyneth Paltrow performed "Coming Home" from Country Strong. The winner is: Randy Newman for "We Belong Together." Is he wearing a pinstripe tuxedo? He said he didn't want to thank all the people he was thanking. Also, he got ranty about there only being four songs nominated when the other categories have five.
Celine Dion performed "Smile" to the In Memoriam montage. These bits always remind me to have a nice picture of myself accessible in case something bad happens.
Halle Berry made a nice speech about Lena Horne, The Ground Breaker.
Now, Anne's in a blue dress. Hillary Swank introduced Kathryn Bigelow. They presented the award for Best Director. The winner is: Tom Hooper (pictured at right) for The King's Speech. So kind and British, he first thanked the other directors nominated. Then, he thanked Geoffrey Rush and Colin Firth - the "triangle of man love." He thanked everyone else who touched the movie. HE THANKED HIS MOM - FINALLY, I CAN DRINK AGAIN! She saw the play The King's Speech and told him she'd found his next film. GREAT story! He also said, "Listen to your mother." Mothers everywhere will use this story to get their kids to eat vegetables, do homework, shower, cut their hair and sit up straight. Or they'll never win an Oscar.
James introduced Annette Bening. She talked about more Oscar history - this time, lifetime achievements. Out come Kevin Brownlow, Francis Ford Coppola and Eli Wallach. Did they win an award and not get a chance to thank anyone? Whatever. I'M DRINKING BECAUSE I KNOW ONE OF THEM WOULD MEET MY CRITERIA IF THEY WERE GIVEN THE CHANCE TO SPEAK!
Jeff Bridges and his beard is presenting the award for Best Actress. Love that he said such kind words about the ladies before the clips of their performances played. The winner is: Natalie Portman for Black Swan. She's emotional - not crying yet. She thanked her parents - I'M DRINKING! Tears - DRINKING AGAIN! She thanked everyone who she works with. She thanked her friends. She thanked everyone who has ever hired her. She thanked Mike Nichols, Darren Aronofsky. She thanked the people who helped her train for the movie. She thanked her baby daddy for giving her the most important role of her life. She's not done! She thanked the people who did her hair and makeup, the wardrobe people, the makeup lady, the AD, the camera operators. She thanked her family, friends and love once again. I forgive her. She's pregnant. And shaking.
Anne introduced Sandra Bullock. Sandy is presenting the award for Best Actor. FINALLY! This show is picking up steam! She said kind words to the nominees before tossing to the clips. LOVE her so much, I'd like to see her get a shot at hosting! After watching these clips, I think it should be a five-way tie. These dudes were all AWESOME! The winner is: Colin Firth for The King's Speech. I did not realize this is his first win and only his second nomination. Colin said, "I have a feeling my career has just peaked." Oh, I don't know if he's going to throw up or break out into dance. I couldn't love him more! He thanked the crew and cast. He thanked Harvey Weinstein for taking him on when he was a "child sensation." He also thanked Tom Ford. He thanked his wife for putting up with his delusions of royalty. Then, he said he had some impulses to attend to back stage - PLEASE LET IT BE A DANCE AND PLEASE LET THERE BE A CAMERA TO CAPTURE IT!
Steven Spielberg presented the award for Best Motion Picture. The winner is: The King's Speech. Oh, yay! Not that I didn't love the other movies, but I never would have thought that a movie about an old stuttering dude and his speech coach would be so captivating! Well done! OOH! THEY'RE PLAYING OUT ONE GUY! ONE LAST DRINK!
Anne has changed one last time. James still doesn't look like he had a good time. Closing it out with the chorus from PS 22 in New York. They sang "Over The Rainbow."
Well, that does it. I only made it through one large glass of red wine over these three hours. I'm not even tipsy! And, Academy Awards people, James and Anne were a safe bet. I'm not opposed to actors hosting. I'd just like some that are a little more likely to be snarky and more than just readers.
That's all.
Anne seems excited, James doesn't seem to be that interested. He points out that he's nominated. Anne acts disappointed about getting naked and not being nominated. FIRST DRINK! James said he's not nervous. Oh, shout outs to their moms. She told Anne to stand up straight - then pointed and said, "Steven Spielberg is over there." Why does Anne keep holding her stomach? Is she going to throw up? James introduces his grandmother. She says, "I just saw Marky Mark." James corrects her to say that it's Mark Wahlberg. Lesbian jokes. Not funny.
Clip of 1939's Gone With The Wind. Random.
Tom Hanks gave the hosts a thumbs up, then got on with his presentation. No award yet. Another clip, this time one from The Titanic. Finally! The first award is for Achievement in Art Direction. REALLY? STARTING THE SHOW OFF WITH AN AWARD THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN ON ANOTHER DAY? The winner is: Alice in Wonderland. You people better hurry! They will play you out because no one - other than art directors - cares about this category!
Anne said, "I thought 'F' stood for The Fighter." Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake are the next presenters. Justin said, "I'm Banksy." Why don't they have Justin host this? They're presenting the awards for animated films. First, Best Animated Short Film. The winner is: The Lost Thing. Blah blah blah. Don't care. Next, Best Animated Feature Film. The winner is: Toy Story 3. OH GOOD! The only one of the animated films I saw! He thanked the Academy and Pixar. He thanked his parents - DRINK AGAIN!
Next award - Best Original Screenplay. The winner is: David Seidler for The King's Speech. He couldn't quite see the microphone. He started by talking about his father, who said that he'd be a late bloomer. He said he's the oldest person to win this award. He hoped the record was broken quickly and often. He thanked his kids, then everyone else involved in that wonderful movie. He thanked The Queen. He accepted the award on behalf of all the stutterers around the world.
Anne's in a tuxedo. She sings an original song, calling out Hugh Jackman for not singing with her. AWKWARD. I'm drinking. Yes, Anne can sing, but this is boring me. James came out dressed like Marilyn Monroe from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. He said he just got a text from Charlie Sheen.
Russell Brand and Helen Mirren are the next presenters. Their category is for Best Foreign Language Film. Helen spoke in French, with Russell "translating." The winner is: In A Better World. Haven't seen that one. Adding it to my Netflix queue. Must know if it's worthy. I can't tell if the lady is about to cry or she's struggling to find English words. DRINKING ANYWAY.
Some Academy dude is standing on the stage talking about the awards show and ABC sticking together through 2020. I want a piece of cake.
Anne's out of the tux and in a beautiful grey gown. Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman are the next presenters. Hey! Aussies! I should have made that a drinkable duo! They're talking about the importance of sound in films. Then, an orchestra breaks out into some of the most notable movie scores. They're presenting the award for Best Original Score. The winner is: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for The Social Network. Boring speech (translation: nothing urging me to drink).
Scarlet Johansson and Matthew McConaughey present Best Achievement in Sound Mixing. The winner is: the Inception bunch. MUSIC - DRINKING AGAIN! The next award: Best Achievement in Sound Editing. The winner is: Richard King for Inception. Is everyone going to thank Christopher Nolan since he didn't get nominated for his directing?
James is no longer wearing the dress.
Marisa Tomei recapped the technical awards (which were given away earlier in February).
Cate Blanchett presented (while wearing a doily) the award for Best Achievement in Makeup. After seeing a clip of The Wolfman, Cate said, "That's gross." The winner is: The Wolfman. I guess if this movie couldn't have monster ticket sales an Oscar will do nicely. The next award is for Best Achievement in Costume Design. The winner is: Colleen Atwood for Alice in Wonderland. Oh, man. She's reading her speech. Noooooo! Also, Madonna called from the 80s. She wants her gloves back. She's sniffling AND music is playing - I'M DRINKING TWICE!
Kevin Spacey sang "Top Hat is Sung" while introducing the nominees for Best Original Song. Randy Newman performed "We Belong Together" from Toy Story 3. Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi performed "I See The Light" from Tangled.
Amy Adams and Jake Gyllenhaal present the award for Best Documentary - Short Subject. The winner is: Strangers No More. Next award is for Best Live Action - Short Film. The winner is: God of Love. Luke Matheny and his hair accepted the award. He's reading too fast to have some emotion. NOTE: If I am ever so lucky to be nominated, I'm not writing anything down. I'm dropping F-bombs. HE THANKED HIS MOM - DRINKING AGAIN!
Just realized Anne has changed into a gold dress. MY EARS! MY GOD, MY EARS! They auto-tuned the movies. THIS IS HORRIBLE! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP OR I'LL BE FORCED TO DRINK UNTIL I'M DEAD!!! Oscar, never EVER do that to me again! Anne shimmied to make her dress move. STOP.
Oprah is in the hizzy! WHAT!?!? If they can auto-tune the movies, I can use that word. Wow. Oprah's breasticles are about to hop through my TV and smack me. She's presenting the award for Best Documentary Feature. The winner is: Inside Job. BOOO! I WANTED BANKSY! WAIT. THAT MEANS I CAN DRINK! Downer - talking about no financial jerks in jail. MUSIC - I'M DRINKING AGAIN!
Billy Crystal got lots of applause (some from me, as I wish he'd just take over). He said the show is running long - SHOCK. He gave a little Oscar history, talking about hosts. Bob Hope hosted 18 times? Wow! Billy hosted eight times. He told a sweet story about Bob giving him the finger when Billy was hosting. Then, a clip of Bob hosting. Wait. It's like a hologram. No way this is keeping the show on time. Fake Bob Hope voice tosses to Robert Downey, Jr., and Jude Law. Jude makes a crack at Robert being busted with a girl dressed as Bat Girl, which Robert corrects him - she was dressed as Wonder Woman. Why don't these two host the show? They're presenting the award for Best Visual Effects. The winner is: the Inception people. The next award is for Best Film Editing. The winner is: The Social Network team. Typical speeches - without meeting my drinking criteria. YAWN.
Anne's in a red dress. James made movie names sound dirty: Winter's Bone, Rabbit Hole, How To Train Your Dragon. I'M DRINKING!
Jennifer Hudson introduced the two final Best Original Song nominees. Florence performed "If I Rise" from 127 Hours. Gwyneth Paltrow performed "Coming Home" from Country Strong. The winner is: Randy Newman for "We Belong Together." Is he wearing a pinstripe tuxedo? He said he didn't want to thank all the people he was thanking. Also, he got ranty about there only being four songs nominated when the other categories have five.
Celine Dion performed "Smile" to the In Memoriam montage. These bits always remind me to have a nice picture of myself accessible in case something bad happens.
Halle Berry made a nice speech about Lena Horne, The Ground Breaker.
James introduced Annette Bening. She talked about more Oscar history - this time, lifetime achievements. Out come Kevin Brownlow, Francis Ford Coppola and Eli Wallach. Did they win an award and not get a chance to thank anyone? Whatever. I'M DRINKING BECAUSE I KNOW ONE OF THEM WOULD MEET MY CRITERIA IF THEY WERE GIVEN THE CHANCE TO SPEAK!
Steven Spielberg presented the award for Best Motion Picture. The winner is: The King's Speech. Oh, yay! Not that I didn't love the other movies, but I never would have thought that a movie about an old stuttering dude and his speech coach would be so captivating! Well done! OOH! THEY'RE PLAYING OUT ONE GUY! ONE LAST DRINK!
Anne has changed one last time. James still doesn't look like he had a good time. Closing it out with the chorus from PS 22 in New York. They sang "Over The Rainbow."
Well, that does it. I only made it through one large glass of red wine over these three hours. I'm not even tipsy! And, Academy Awards people, James and Anne were a safe bet. I'm not opposed to actors hosting. I'd just like some that are a little more likely to be snarky and more than just readers.
That's all.
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