Tuesday, February 1, 2011

There Go The Good Movies

It's almost like Hollywood says, "Eh, it's award season. Let's churn out the crap we've had laying around so the nominators will forget how bad these movies really are." So, friends, allow me to introduce you to the movies that won't get my time this month.

Sanctum

I can't think of a single thing about this that does not sound predictable or boring. I don't care if James Cameron produced it. I can't even imagine watching this on cable TV.

The Roommate

I barely tolerated this in the 90s when it was called Single White Female. This, and two bad roommate experiences, made me not want to live with girls ever. Why? Because we're all crazy - and not all crazy is fun/good. That goes for movies like this.

Just Go With It

Oh, where do I start? I used to love Adam Sandler. Now, he's playing the same character over and over. And with Jennifer Aniston? This girl makes the same silly faces in every movie. If she's not playing Rachel, I'm not interested - and that's not even a guarantee. Oh! One more thing: in what world does a schlumpy guy like Adam Sandler score Brooklyn Decker? Unless he's a younger sugardaddy, there's no way this is remotely believable. Possibly less funny, too.

Gnomeo and Juliet

Yes, Hollywood. Gnomes are what we've been missing. I like an animated film every now and then, but this is ridiculous. It will probably be nominated for an award. Still not interested. Oh, also, if Hollywood thinks gnomes are the new vampires or werewolves, they are sooo wrong.

The Eagle

Why? Yes, this Channing Tatum guy is hot, but that's not enough for me.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

Hate to break it to you, Biebs, but I really CAN say never will I see this. I know I'm not his target audience, but I see no need to spend good money to see him whip his bad hair around in 3D.

I Am Number Four

Ugh. Absolutely not.

Unknown

Oh, Liam Neeson. I feel like you've made this movie a few times already. So, no.

Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

I'd like to file this under category of "movies that should have never had a first go-round, let alone sequel." Besides, I find movies like this racist. And unfunny.

Vanishing on 7th Street

Are you kidding me?

Drive Angry

Nic Cage. Apparently his love of giant teeth, bad hair plugs and real estate have really wrecked his finances - or his judgement. How can he justify turning out crappy movie after crappy movie if not for the paycheck?

Hall Pass

This cast seems fun, but there is no way I'm rushing to a theater to see this. Not even adding it to Netflix. I'll check it out when it finally hits HBO. Maybe. These mid-life crisis movies do nothing for me. Maybe when I'm in crisis, I'll flock to these. I mean, my parents love that Wild Hogs movie. Typing that almost made me throw up.

Making The Cut:
NOTE: Dear movie people on Twitter, this will not get me to see your movie.
What might help: free movie ticket, popcorn and candy. Nice try. And thanks for the follow.
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