How Not To Say "I Love You"

Valentine's Day is one week away. It's the one day out of the year you're actually expected to tell people you love them. If you don't say it with words, you better say it with a gift. Here are five gifts you should not give, unless the recipient is someone you don't actually love - well, not THAT way.

I got this in my e-mail from Bath and Body Works. My initial thought was, "Because nothing says I love you like antibacterial gel?" If you think your sweetie will drop trou at the site of this little gift, think again.

WHO SHOULD GET THIS GIFT: That co-worker who uses his sleeve for a tissue, the person who shares your workspace, teachers, cab drivers and strippers. It's also good for anyone who has to make hand-to-hand contact with strangers (or strange people).

Those, friends, are coupons for "LOVE." Yeah. If you're giving those, you might as well say, "I'm cheap" or "I forgot it was Valentine's Day" or "Since I don't do these things without you prodding, just hand me the coupon and don't say a word - just make sure it's not interrupting my favorite game/TV show."

WHO SHOULD GET THIS GIFT: No one who actually wants to be reminded that you love him/her.

If you're giving your girlfriend/wife the boyfriend pillow, you might as well include a breakup Post It. Even if you don't like cuddling, giving her a pillow that simulates it is lame. Same goes for this:

The girlfriend pillow is no better. Don't do it. Not for Valentine's Day. Maybe for April Fool's Day.

WHO SHOULD GET THIS GIFT: Only your soon-to-be ex.

That's a key chain meant to look like an engagement ring. You give that to your girl and you should consider yourself lucky if you don't get punched in the face/kicked in the groin.

WHO SHOULD GET THIS GIFT: Teenage girls who have no business planning a wedding - or baby shower, for that matter.

A coffee mug that lets a gal slide her ring finger through the hook thingy to appear that she's engaged? Um, absolutely not. I am really concerned that a lady I know may get one of these, since this site says it's sold out.

WHO SHOULD GET THIS GIFT: Your grandma. She'll think it's cute.