Sunday, January 16, 2011

Golden Globes: Live Blog/Drinking Game

Because I know Ricky Gervais will likely be playing a drinking game - or just drinking - during tonight's ceremony, I plan to do the same. The rules are simple.

Drink every time a winner:
  1. Thanks God.
  2. Thanks their Momma.
  3. Cries.
  4. Curses.
Sure, the crying part makes this a dangerous game, but these are the GOLDEN GLOBES. It's a few notches above the MTV awards. The winners are chosen by the Hollywood Foreign Press. The media choosing award winners? Come on! They don't act! All they do is observe and comment. Wait. I'm one of those. Since I don't have a vote in this show, I still have the right to comment. That's what I'll do throughout the evening.

Ricky Gervais starts it off with a cocktail in hand and by recapping Charlie Sheen's alleged drunken escapade. He's not nominated, and probably drunk in a hotel with a couple of hookers, so it's OK.

Also, joke about The Tourist. Which he hasn't seen. And he says that rumor the only reason the movie was nominated was so the press could hang out with Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp was rubbish. Don't believe it.


He said he was certain the award for special effects would go to the person who airbrushed the poster for Sex And The City 2.

Ouch. Crack about I Love You Phillip Morris about two gay men played by two straight men. The opposite of some Scientologists.

LOST finale: the fat one at them all. Did we see the same thing?

Scarlett Johansson presented best supporting actor in a motion picture. Dear God of Pinot Noir, I have already forgotten who I chose to win. The winner: Christian Bale. Is he playing Jesus in a movie? What is up with the long hair and beard. If he'd cut the hair, he could totally play Kenny Loggins in my not-yet-written Kenny Logins biopic! Christian just realized how wise the HFPA is - you know, because they gave the award to him. He said he hoped Melissa and Amy were out of character, otherwise there'd be a punch up when their category comes up. Music. THEY'RE PLAYING HIM OUT? DON'T THEY KNOW CHRISTIAN COULD BEAT THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT OUT OF THEM? Why did they kill the audio when he acknowledged Robert DeNiro? Oh. Just learned he went on an expletive-laden show of love for DeNiro. Wish I coulda heard that, NBC!

LL Cool J and Julie Bowen presented best actress in a TV drama. The winner: Katey Sagal. She looks like a hot tamale! Now I want candy. She thanked just about everyone from the show Sons of Anarchy.

Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey introduced Miss Golden Globe, the daughter of Joe Mantegna, Gia. Gorgeous girl! Then, they presented best mini-series or TV movie. The winner: Carlos. I'm seriously thinking about adding "Drinking every time someone I don't know/something I haven't seen wins" to my rules. I'm getting thirsty! I imagine, somewhere in America (not in my home), someone who wanted that Pacino thingy is shouting "ENGLISH!" And they're playing him out. Lots of man kissing - and he's still reading from a card. Oh, I get it. The music just plays. It doesn't appear to be shoving them off the stage. Now, they're roaming around the stage.

Ricky said it's like Pac Man. He introduced Bruce Willis referencing some of his less-known (and liked) films. And he called him "Ashton Kutcher's dad."

Bruce introduced Red, in which he starred. It's nominated for best motion picture - comedy or musical.

Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester presented best supporting actor in a TV mini-series or movie. The winner: Chris Colfer. He's crying. YAY! I GET TO DRINK! Aw, anti-bullying shout out!

Michelle Pfeiffer is alive and gorgeous as ever! She introduced Alice in Wonderland.

Eva Longoria introduced the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Ricky said that's nothing because he had to help the guy off his toilet and pop his teeth in. OOOPS! Eva slipped a little. Well, of course everyone's going to clap for the guy. He decided who wins what! Probably the only time the he gets love. He just told Ricky that he should go to another guy when looking for someone to be kind about his movie. Like that will stop Ricky from saying what he wants!

Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon presented best actor in a TV series - drama. The winner: Steve Buscemi. Hmm. Looks like the HFPA just wanted to give it to someone new. I just hope he doesn't get naked. That's my least favorite part of Boardwalk Empire. He thanked everyone from the show. Quickly given the "wrap." Maybe they should start this show an hour earlier - or not serve booze, which slows people down. Is he wearing lipstick? He said his 4-year-old nephew called and asked "Uncle Steven, wish me luck."

Same presenters, new category. Best TV series - drama. The winner: Boardwalk Empire. WOW! Did not see that coming! I really like seeing all the people holding their glasses. I'd be doing that, too, if not for the typing. Also, I forgot Mark Wahlberg is behind the show! The guy accepting the award censored himself, so that counts.

Andrew Garfield introduced The Social Network. I totally forget that he's not American. His trouble with the prompter made it a bit more obvious. Also, he's one of my favorite Brits. Right up there with Michael Sheen and Colin Firth. TRUE.

Ricky said that was his favorite movie of the year. He said that Zuckerberg kid is worth $7 billion. He said Heather Mills calls him "the one who got away."

Strange reference to Jennifer (Don't Call Me Jenny From The Block) Lopez and Alec Baldwin. More strange - banter attempt from these two. They presented original song - motion picture. I totally don't care about this category. The winner: Cher's song from Burlesque. The writer apparently did some cursing. YAY! She called Cher a badass! DRINK! For a writer, she doesn't have such a great speech. And she thanked her mom. Did she cry? Because that would have been the home run!

Same presenters, new category. Best original score - motion picture. Trent Reznor and some other guy won for The Social Network. Why so serious?

Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfield presented best animated feature film. The winner: Toy Story 3. Can't wait to see this! I have Despicable Me at home right now. Haven't gotten to it. If this bores me, I might start it. The guy accepting asked if the kids presenting were born when the first one came out. Luckily, they're polite kids who just smiled. Wow. Stars look totally bored by this guy's speech. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CUE THE MUSIC! Oh, sure. Let him speak, but cut off Christian Bale.

Ricky's wearing a vest, no jacket. He introduced Robert Downey, Jr., by once again rattling off some bad movies. One time, Ricky. The joke works one time. And it didn't really work then.

Robert noted the kind of mean-spirited tone of the show. He said he doesn't know if an actress can do her best work until he's slept with her. He then name-called Julianne. Talked about feelings, name called - Angie. Throw him off the set - Annette. Boyfriend - Anne. He asked for Emma. he made eyes at her. She returned them. He said he'd give the award to all of them. Oh, he's presenting best actress in a movie - comedy or musical. Can Robert host an awards show? He's fun! The winner: Annette Bening. At least we know Warren Beatty is still alive (yes, I did have to look up his name - that's how much I've forgotten him). Did she just roll out of bed? That is some wild and crazy hair! She thanked Julianne Moore, then everyone with the movie. I can't tell if she's crying or just struggling for words. I'M DRINKING ANYWAY! Is that the first time Mark Ruffalo has been thanked for being a sperm donor?

Ricky called Sylvester Stallone a true icon. He clearly wasn't talking about Sly's face. He introduced The Fighter.

Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton (wearing what looks like a hotel bath robe) presented best actor in a mini-series or TV movie (or as Tilda called it, "televisual"). The winner: Al Pacino. Not gonna lie. Idris Elba should have won so I could just stare at him until the music started. I think he's crying. I'M DRINKING. His hair plugs look great! He talked about actors doing their thing. Lots of shots of other people - not the other nominees. I guess the Globes do that so they don't get people saying, "I SHOULD HAVE WON THAT! PACINO CAN'T ACT FOR S*#T!"

Same presenters, new category. Best actress - mini-series or TV movie (again with the "televisual," Tilda). The winner: Claire Danes. Oh, yay! She was soooo amazing in Temple Gradin! The REAL Temple was there with one of her cowgirl shirts. I forgot that the show's theme music sounds a bit creepy. CRYING. Yay! She thanked everyone attached to the show. She remembered to thank her husband this time (she forgot to do that at the Emmy Awards).

Zac Efron introduced The Kids Are All Right. Um, why is he there? Do kids watch these shows?

Ricky called the next presenters the two funniest people. Tina Fey and Steve Carell. They're presenting the award for best screenplay. I would totally think they're being funny if they weren't trying so hard to not read. Or is that the gag? Hate that I didn't laugh. Maybe I'm not drunk. The winner: Aaron Sorkin for The Social Network. He did do some brilliant writing. Made me miss West Wing. He is thanking people in the manner of his scripts - quickly and without a breath. He did acknowledge Mark Zuckerberg. He said Zuck turned out to be a great entrepreneur. He also thanked all the actress nominated - he said, "Smart girls have more fun." I like that!

Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans presented best supporting actress in TV series, mini-series or TV movie. The winner: Jane Lynch. She said, "I am nothing if not falsely humble." She thanked the writer who created her character, Sue Sylvester. Super sweet. HOLY BANGS, SANDRA BULLOCK! Sorry. That's the first time I saw her. Very sweet. And BTW, Sofia Vergara's breasts were robbed of an opportunity to thank people for supporting them.

Ricky called the next presenters young and thin with the teeth: Olivia Wilde and Robert Pattinson. They're presenting for best foreign language film. The winner: In A Better World - Denmark. I hope the lady accepting speaks English. Not because I'm racist (I'm not). It's because I need to drink, people. YAY! SHE'S CRYING! Is she thanking people for having potatoes?

Helen Mirren, looking fanFREAKINGtastic took the stage. She introduced The King's Speech.

Vanessa Williams and Blair Underwood presented best actress in a TV series - comedy or musical. The winner: Laura Linney. She was not at the show. No speech. No drink. Me no likey.

SIDE NOTE: There have not been enough opportunities for me to drink. I've hardly put a dent in my extra-large wine glass. And at least I get a reminder "Parks and Recreation" is coming back this week! Also, I'd like to say, WOAI, celebrating being number one at 6:30 PM is like me celebrating my number one super popular blog. POINTLESS. Because NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION! Prove me wrong by posting in the comments.

Jane Fonda introduced Burlesque. Wow! She looks amazing. I want to look like the old broads presenting tonight. Not when I'm their age. NOW.

Matt Bomer and Kaley Cuoco presented for best actor in a TV series - musical or comedy. The winner: Jim Parsons. Maybe I should Netflix The Big Bang Theory? Never seen it, but this guy keeps winning awards for his performance there. I'm kinda miffed Neil Patrick Harris wasn't nominated. Anyone else think this guy could be Jimmy Fallon's little brother? Very heartfelt speech. Maybe I'll make watching this show my summer project.

Jeremy Irons presented best supporting actress in a motion picture. The winner: Melissa Leo (that's her on the right). This lady deserves every single award that comes her way. I have loved her since Homicide: Life On The Streets! I don't know what excited her more: the award or being kissed by Jeremy Irons? Thanking her mama. DRINK! She said she thought she was a little young to play the mother of Mark and Christian. Fab-u-lous! Helena Bonham Carter seemed to be confused as to why she didn't win. It has nothing to do with her insane hair or the fact that she's wearing two different shoes.

Matt Damon presented the Cecil B. DeMille award to Robert DeNiro. He said he didn't know anything about DeNiro until five years ago. He was surprised many consider him to be the greatest actor alive. First movie mentioned: Godfather 2. Matt, please don't recite all of his roles. Goodfellas. Oh no. Taxi Driver. Angelina Jolie is human. Just saw her applying lip gloss. Now, nice video montage of DeNiro's work - not performed by Matt Damon (who I love, I  just think he does a horrible DeNiro). Phone's ringing. Not answering. CLEARLY very busy. Who let Diddy into the awards show? People, stop clapping and let the man talk. He just won that award! He knows he's loved! DeNiro told Matt he loved him in The Fighter. He said he knows it won't be long before Matt is receiving his own Cecil B. DeMille award and it would be his honor to present it if he's still alive. Oh, his speech is on prompter? That's why he asked them to slow down. He was glad he got the award before critics got the chance to review Little Fockers. Still not gonna see it. Maybe I will - on HBO. He said many of the critics and the waiters and Javier Bardem were deported, then said Homeland Security will check their papers as soon as they're through with the full body scan of Megan Fox. Huh? He rattled off some of his movies. He said awakenings is one of his favorite movies. He just got edited. No idea what he said, but I'M DRINKING! He said the movies are like his children except you can't make them in 3-D to make more money off them - or something like that. RED RED WINE IS GOING TO MY HEAD.

Meagan Fox introduced The Tourist. Appropriate that a girl who's only talent is her body introduces a film that no one wants to see, despite it's pretty cast and scenery. Shot of Angelina shows that even she's in on the joke that this film won't win.

Annette Bening is back to present the award for best director - motion picture. The winner: David Fincher for The Social Network. He'd better meet one of my criteria or I might just punch my laptop! Christopher Nolan was robbed! He said had he thought he would win, he would have popped Propecia like Chicklets. Oh, dear God. Looks like he has a super long speech. He thanked everyone behind the movie. Yawn.

Jimmy Fallon and January Jones presented best TV series - comedy or musical. Awkward. I love January on Mad Men, but she kind of bugs me everywhere else. She's gorgeous, though! The winner: Glee. RUN TO THE STAGE KIDS! YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK! One of the guys thanked public school teachers, who don't get paid enough. WORD.

Alica Keys (huh? why? what?) introduced Black Swan. This presenter confuses me almost as much as this movie.

Halle Berry presented (in a super-sheer, barely there dress) the award for best actor in a motion picture - comedy or musical. The winner: Paul Giamatti. Censored right off the bat! YAY! I DRINK! He said he was jacked up from all the Godiva chocolates. Then, he said, "Halle Berry." Maybe I should watch that movie Paul was in? Censored again! I'd like to thank Paul for helping me put a dent in my glass of wine!

Joseph Gordon Levitt introduced Inception. Why does he do that thing with his voice and his hand? It's like he's acting in a black and white movie. Constantly.

Jeff Bridges presented the award for best actress - motion picture drama. The winner: Natalie Portman. Hey! That baby has given her cleavage! She said "hi" to her grandma. So sweet. Shout out to mom! DRINK. Also, a shout out to her baby daddy. She called Mila Kunis "sweet lips."

Just when I was wondering where Ricky went, he's back! Reading off cards, spouting serious stats. IS HE BEING PUNISHED? Tom Hanks and Tim Allen took the stage. Tom said, "We remember when Ricky was a slightly chubby but very kind comedian." Tim said, "Neither of which is he now." Wow. Stars are sensitive. They're presenting the award for best motion picture - comedy or musical. The winner: The Kids Are All Right. You people should see this sweet movie. It's now an award winner. It's worthy. I promise. Unless you don't like lesbians. Or sperm donors. Then, you should avoid this one. Who's the Oompa Loompa standing behind the guy talking? Lady, if you're gonna fake tan, don't wear a white dress. Even Snooki knows that!

Ricky introduced Sandra Bullock as a national treasure, and said many other nice things about her. Then, he said she wouldn't be caught dead on public transportation because she said, "Poor people are gross and they smell bad." Sandy walked out and didn't acknowledge it. She presented the award for best actor - motion picture drama. The winner: Colin Firth. YAY! YAY! YAY! I don't even care if he says anything that lets me drink! LOVEITY LOVE HIM! I don't even know who he thanked. I was mesmerized.

Michael Douglas took the stage to a standing ovation. He said, "There's got to be an easier way to get a standing ovation." He presented the award for best motion picture - drama. The winner: The Social Network. Listen, I saw this movie. I liked it. I don't think it was better than The King's Speech or Inception. You Hollywood press people are easily fascinated. You would love my blog. Oh, thank all the people at Facebook. Because they'll admit that they've seen it (and liked it) now.

Ricky returned to close it out. He thanked everyone for being good sports (they weren't). He closed by thanking "God for making me an atheist."

I'm a little surprised Ricky was cut out of the show after a while. Was that for time or because the celebs were whining about his truths? What more did those stars want? They get free booze and chocolates!

Oh, well. That's my live blog of the show. Hope you liked it. Or not. I don't care. This just gave me an excuse to see if I could type while drinking. Suckers.
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