A Cautionary Tale

Girls, I have seen a few things recently that I don't think you're getting. So if you read nothing else, I hope you pay close attention to this.

Here's Miley Cyrus at Disneyland.

I'm sure she's having a good time, but her breasts are totally going to hate her later.

How do I know this? Because I can tell she is not wearing a bra.

Big deal, you say? It IS a big deal! Sure they're young and perky now. But there will come a day when her boobs give up the fight for gravity (aided by a good bra) and they become so saggy she might as well tuck them into her pants to keep them out of the way.

NOTE: I actually know some older ladies who could do this, but I think they don't want to buy bigger pants, so they just let them rest at their waist. Not cute, ladies.

Also, if it is even remotely warm out, your boobs get sweaty. It's like the underside is struggling to breath. Know what makes them happy? A BRA. Look into it, Miley.

The other thing I've seen a lot of lately is this lady.

If you've been living under a rock (which sounds really uncomfortable and bad for your back, so stop it), this is Tanning Mom.

Besides allegedly putting her pasty preschooler into a tanning bed, her crime is over-tanning. As orange as she is here, you should see her with makeup on. It looks like she's wearing blackface. Even Oompa Loompas like Snooki think this is too much.

Because it is.

This lady clearly has problems. No sane person with a clear vision of what she truly looks like would think this is a good look. If she lives to be an elderly woman, the only way we'll know her age is to count her wrinkles like you count rings on trees.

Which brings me to what the future would be like if Miley and Tanning Mom became one. Brace yourselves, readers. It's not for the squeamish.

Yeah. That's the chest of Magda from There's Something About Mary. Sure she's a fictional character, but it's like those Farrelly Brothers could see the future!

So if you don't want to wind up like that (and you really should set that as at least one of your life goals), put on a bra and stay out of the tanning beds/sun.

You're welcome.

On The Third Day of Tweepmas...

Twitter brought to me...

MILEY CYRUS!

I couldn't tell you when she last released a new song, but I know that she does sing, so that's why she's made the Tweepmas cut. Also, she's a consistent Twitterer who doesn't just push her own agenda. She responds to people. So, here are three gems I learned from her.

It's like some people refuse to accept that a child star can grow up and mature - emotionally AND physically. Hopefully girls her age will take that message to heart (not that there's anything wrong with bought boobies - within reason).

I love my pets, too! However, I don't let them lick me. I have seen where they put their tongues. Totally disgusting. I think that's how the plague started. But if Miley thinks that's the perfect start to the day, good on her! I'd be happier if my dog or cat could make me breakfast, but to each her own.

OOOH! Pretty! Since I refuse to put up a tree (hate the needles, hate the fake tree more), I may just come back to this post each day to admire the tree Miley decorated. It has the perfect combination of bright colored balls and white lights (the only lights I find acceptable on a holiday tree).

I'm so glad I took some time to learn three things about Miley! I like her a little more now! Can't wait to see who teaches me four things tomorrow!

RELATED POSTS:

• The Second Day of Tweepmas with Mike Tyson
• The First Day of Tweepmas with Neil Diamond
• 2010's 12 Days of Tweepmas

Ladies Have To Stop Doing This

It's not easy being a girl/lady/woman. Not because of sexism, but because some of us are making it hard for everyone to feel good about themselves.

I'm not sure who Kelly Brook is, but this is what she did to convince people her Twitter account is really hers.

Now, she could have taken a fully-clothed picture of herself at her computer with Twitter in the background. But she decided it would be more persuasive to appear to be naked and stone faced while taking a picture of herself in her bathroom.

Demi Moore is a repeat offender.

Ladies, learn from Demi: no matter how amazing you look in a bikini at ANY age, your man will stray.

Miley Cyrus has done it.

Lisa Rinna has done it.

Kim Kardashian has done it.

While I get that they're feeling smokin' hot when they take the picture (or have someone take it for them), they should stop. Yes, it's a million times better than those paparazzi pictures where they purposely get the back of the thigh cellulite or the belly bulge from the skinniest star as she bends over (those should be forbidden). But it's making non-celebrities think they need to do it.

Take 14-year-old Angie Varona. The Florida girl took pictures of herself for her boyfriend and posted them on a private photo sharing site. The problem: she says her account was hacked. Now, her photos are all over the Internet. Allegedly without her permission. Photos like this.

A Google image search of her name gets 132,000 hits! She's not even showing her privates - not a nipple in sight! But you better believe every creep out there has seen her pictures and made some disgusting comments.

Y'all, the Internet is a permanent record of your good and bad behavior. If you think you're doing this in private and no one will ever see it, you're just dumb. Stop. And if you're being like the celebrities and putting it out there for some positive feedback, know that it is ONLY about what you look like and not who you are (smart, kind, generous, charitable - all of that is forgotten when people known and unknown start leaning in closer to the monitor/phone to see if they can magically make what's covering your lady bits disappear).

It's a desperate and sad bid for attention. I'm not just saying this because I couldn't pull this off. I'm saying this because every time I see someone do this, my initial reaction is "WOW!" then sad face. Every one of these pictures sets ladies back. You can have an awesome bikini body and be a good person. Sadly, the second part of that sentence is wiped out when you appear nearly naked.

Celebrities shouldn't be a child's sole role model. But they are usually one of them. Perhaps they should remember their fans - who are often underage girls - will copy their behavior. Those nearly nude pictures of stars may help them get on the cover of Maxim or score them a sexpot role in a movie or on TV. But ordinary girls should know those pictures may keep them from getting a job. Not a problem if the girl just wants a sugar daddy and a spot on one of those "Real Housewives" shows. But the mothers of those girls should explain why that's a bad decision - unless those mothers are actually on one of those shows. That's not a lasting career. It's not independence. It's not respectful. It's a path to sadness.

So, please.

Stop.

Someone, Save Me From Miley Cyrus

For the last two nights, I have had the same strange dream.

I'm sound asleep in a bedroom that looks a lot like this.

Suddenly, I hear pounding, wake up and see Miley Cyrus, pulling on the doors trying to open them. The whole time, she's screaming in her crazy meth voice, "I'm gonna KILL you!" I just sit there in bed, yelling, "Look at you! You're crazy! You're all whored out! What's wrong with you?"

Then, I wake up.

It's so bizarre, I have a hard time falling back to sleep. Sunday night, I wondered why that would happen. Then, I remember I have blogged about the Disney star and said some not nice things.

Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C

I could probably go on. But look at her.

She's dancing on a pole. At the Teen Choice Awards. I get that she's growing up and she wants her fans to see that, but there are pre-teen girls who see her grinding on the pole. What kind of example does that set? I'm not a parent, but I certainly wouldn't want my daughter looking up to Miley. 

I understand why Dream Miley is mad at me. What I don't understand is why she wants to kill me. I know people have said meaner things about her. Maybe she's threatening them in their dreams, too. I just know that Dream Miley doesn't scare me. She just confuses me. Kind of like Real Miley.

PS - The only reason I wrote this is because I'm hoping this will bring an end to the dream. If it doesn't work, I'm going to start drinking heavily before bed (again).