Nicole's World

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Happy Christmas!

This might be my new favorite holiday song.

The only way this gets better is if Eddie Murphy sings along.

Friday, December 24, 2010

I have tried my hardest to find my holiday spirit. I think I started having a hard time finding it when Santa started finding his way into stores in October. It also doesn't help that I have saved the shopping for the last minute. But this week has been especially challenging.

First, I was counting on getting one gift at a particular store. It was the sure thing! I went to one mall, fighting crowds and sprinkles (of the rain type, not what you find on cookies and cupcakes) only to see the store's space was empty. Hmph.

I decided I'd check the other location on my way to work. I headed to the strip center, fighting traffic nearly the entire way, only to see that location was also dead to me (and anyone else who enjoyed shopping there). I was late for work and irritated when I went online to see the closest location was near an outlet mall - not a realistic option on Christmas Eve. This meant I'd have to find an alternative gift.

So, I went to bed, planning to get up and finish up the shopping. At 5AM, I heard the dog whining. I yelled at him to zip it, then just as I was going to sleep, I heard it.

BEEP.

I got up. I walked down the hall. Where the hell is that beeping coming from? I narrowed it down to the smoke alarms in my office and the hallway.

BEEP.

It was the hallway. Last month, I climbed the ladder and was trying to find out what kind of batteries I needed for the detectors (I have lived in my house nearly four years and have not changed them - I know, it's dumb). I couldn't find a battery hatch. I figured, since they're wired into the ceiling, maybe they didn't need batteries? Now, in a sleepy haze, I found the hatch. I don't have those square battery types in my house. Somehow, letting the alarm dangle from the ceiling got it to stop beeping so I could go back to sleep.

I slept a few hours, then got up to do some shopping. We haven't had rain in months, so I should have been excited about it - except that I had to walk in it. Not a mood lifter. I hit the first store at 9:30. It was calm and quiet - until they lost power for 10 minutes. It wouldn't have been such a problem except registers kind of need electricity since they're computerized.

On to the next store, which was super crowded. I went straight to what I needed, picked out a few items, then found the back of one of two lines. I stood there patiently for 20 minutes (yes, patiently). Then, just as it was my turn, a lady walked right in front of me and turned to put her items on the counter.

ME: The line starts back there.
LADY: I'm in a hurry.
ME: It's Christmas Eve. We're all in a hurry. The line starts back there.
Blank stare.
STORE EMPLOYEE: Ma'am, you'll need to get to the back of the line.
LADY: But I'm in a hurry.
STORE EMPLOYEE: I understand. You still have to stand in line.

I was *this* close to throwing down my things and shoving the lady. But she rolled her eyes and moved to the back of the line.

I returned home with enough batteries to replace the ones in every alarm. I wound up replacing the offending one (which involved some expletives and bloodshed - mine, not the alarm's as it's not real, dummy). I'll get to the others later. Oh, if you're taller than me and not afraid of ladders, please stop by my house. I have two alarms that I can't reach. You're a peach!

I understand that shopping on Christmas Eve means crowds and traffic and people who have lost nearly all of their patience. It's also why I will pledge to start shopping at the first sign of Santa next year (stay tuned to see how that goes). But, I am done with the shopping. If you don't get a gift from me this year, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. It just means I was either too lazy or uninspired while shopping. I love you. I really do. And I'll make it up to you at some point in the year.

I hope.

On a nice note, I did see my Christmas cactus, which I recently replanted in a much larger pot, magically bloomed overnight!

I have had it for a few years and have managed to keep it alive. Love that it always knows when to put on a pretty show!

Week In Pop Culture

What? All grandmas don't look like this?

Christmas wish wasted: Soderbergh to do another Ocean's movie.

Oh. I get it. Junk in the trunk has two meanings.

Dustin Hoffman has shared a little too much information.

Penelope Cruz is suddenly VERY pregnant.

These guys aren't really going to do this, are they?

Miley Cyrus wants you to know she's a big girl now.

I'm a little surprised The Grammys is just now recognizing this bunch.

Jennifer Aniston might like her space.

So, Gisele is becoming Tom Brady?

Larry King wasn't in love with all of his wives.

Ozzy Osbourne is a bit tired of Lady GaGa.

Guess who was surprised by George Clooney while on vacation?

I had no idea there was so much drama behind the scenes of that lame Skating With The Stars.

Christian Bale is making a movie that seems like it will be really long.

Anyone else think this story about Nicole Kidman's kids with Tom Cruise is a bit strange?

Ali Larter has a baby boy.

Guess these two decided not to put it in ink - yet.

Some dumb guy broke into 50 Cent's house.

Here's one more reason I'm glad to have HBO!

If you have a lifetime's worth of plastic surgeries in one day, you should not complain about your scars.

Bret Michaels is engaged.

I think being forced to eat nothing but butter would be a good punishment for stealing from Paula Deen, but I'm not a judge.

Lindsay Lohan got in trouble at rehab.

LeAnn Rimes is classy.

I'm intrigued.

MTV has named someone who is NOT on one of its reality shows "Woman of The Year."

Look who's being knighted.

YAY! There's still time to give Betty White one more honor before the year's up!

This does not sound like a good business deal for Kelsey Grammer.

Tracy Morgan had a kidney transplant.

James Franco is not afraid to be called "The Worst Academy Awards Host Ever." Good for him!

Shania Twain is engaged to the the guy whose wife her husband cheated with.

Vince Vaughn has a baby girl.

So what if it's winter?

L'horreur! Lady GaGa wasn't able to perform for her Parisian fans! But she did manage to get a little close to a fan. And she did show off while on a walk.

I don't get these celebrity couples who file for divorce but have friendly food outings.

Kristen Chenoweth had a home disaster.

Will Smith is creating TV shows now.

Ordinary fellas, Jenny McCarthy wants to kiss you.

There's no way I don't side with Neil Patrick Harris in this battle.

Iman shared a little something about David Bowie.

Look! It's another ridiculous celebrity holiday card!

That movie, Country Strong, was inspired by a famous meltdown.

Rest in peace, Steve Landesberg.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

On The Twelfth Day Of Tweepmas...

Twitter gave to me ... Snooki!

Don't let appearances fool you. From the fake eyelashes to the fake tan, this girl from MTV's Jersey Shore keeps it real on Twitter. I mean, you don't get nearly a million followers if you're not legit - right? Here are twelve things I learned from this girl (also named Nicole, BTW).

From what I have seen on that reality show, this seems to be the usual night out. Not judging. One day, Snooki will be 30 and WHAM! Booze is mean to you.

Awesome. She's a published author. If I never get a book published I will hate myself. And every publisher. But I can't wait to pick this up at the book store and snoop through it before someone sees me!

Is the urge to fight inanimate objects a Nicole thing? Or do you non-Nicoles have these feelings, too?

It's true. Try it.

I'm assuming that she's talking about her hair and that "poof" is not some Jersey slang for lady bits. I'm from Texas. I like the big hair.

I gotta hand it to Snooki. She's a hustler. Not only did she write a book, she's got a slipper line and (according to her Twitter feed) is working on a sunglasses line, too. Good for her! I just hope she doesn't spend all her money on poofs and spray tans. Those things aren't forever.

<3 Shout out to the super adorable Willow Smith! <3

Two things: 1) I get stabby in crowds, so I can relate; 2) where does one get a blowup monkey balloon? That could get me out of trouble. I think.

She's a safety girl.

Not even sure what to say about that.

The more you know...

Yes. Yes, you do, Snooki.

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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

On The Eleventh Day of Tweepmas...

Twitter gave to me ... Paula Abdul!

The former pop star turned reality TV judge is no longer being nicey nice to kids who think they can sing. She's judging the dance kids on Live To Dance. My inner dancer will check this out (at least until Dancing With The Stars returns). Paula was interesting to listen to on TV, so I can't wait to see what eleven things I can learn from her Twitter feed!

Maybe I should start looking for something cheery-esque to start the day. Hmmm. If I did that, people might think I'm on medication. Maybe I should be?

OOOH! That's a toughie. You see, it's rare that rude people notice your politeness. They usually look at you like you're stupid. That's why, I turn to my old friend, Snark. Rude people don't like a taste of their own medicine. But maybe next time, I'll think "What would Paula do?" and try being sugary sweet. Maybe.

Now I'm seeing a trend. This former Lakers girl is still a cheerleader! YAY!

You know who else multi-tasks? NEWS PRODUCERS. Try writing a story while the sounds of police scanners, puns, laughter that would make one of those guys from Revenge of The Nerds jealous and pleas of "look at me" every night. PS - this is why I drink.

Very true. You keep me waiting and don't call to tell me what's happening and I immediately start thinking bad things about you - until I think something bad could have happened. Then, once I see you, I'm over it. That's how my brain works.

So, I checked out this site. It's a casting website. You upload an audition and (if you have talent) you could be on your way to stardom. Kind of cool. Unless you get gonged. Not sure if there is a gong or if someone tells you to "keep at it" or "follow your passion." Those are nice ways of saying you're not gonna make it. If you hear that more than five times, you might consider your dream just a dream that makes you happy.

Fried egg sandwich? That would not make my top ten list of sandwiches (don't have an official list, but I'm pretty sure I could think of at least ten others I'd rather have). But if Paula likes a fried egg, then she should have at it!

I once unwillingly had my numbers read. I was told I was a "new soul." So when you say that I'm strange, I believe that means you have never met anyone like me. PFFFT!

Really? That is crazy! And I never would have known that if I had not been reading Paula's Tweets!

Because I live my life by the philosophy of "expect the worst so you're never disappointed," it might seem strange to hear me say "ditto." But I have been around enough people who are always talking about how much something will suck instead of doing something to make it better. I don't want you to tell me what's wrong. I want you to tell me how you can fix it. That makes things easier for all of us. Oh, and me. Because that's what it's really about.

I think that's a perfect way to close out this 11th Day of Tweepmas.

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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

On The Tenth Day of Tweepmas...

Twitter gave to me ... Patti Stanger.

You may have seen her giving out dating advice on The Millionaire Matchmaker. If you have a lot of cash, she'll help you personally. But you don't have to watch TV or pay for her services to get her advice. It's FREE on Twitter! Here are ten tips from Patti.

Note the key words "IF YOUR GOAL IS MARRIAGE/SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP." Sorry to shout at you, but she preaches that quite often. The creeps who don't abide by that are quite obvious from TV. I wonder why ladies don't see that in real life? I blame too many romantic comedies. (I've warned you here and here)

Ladies, I believe she's talking about your brain. Hmmm. How do you keep that in good condition while watching reality shows on Bravo???

They also like to be told they're pretty. Wait. I might have gotten that wrong.

Unless they're gay.

With The Bat Signal? Or with a bra that has arrows that flash? I'm pretty sure waving your arms and saying, "I'm single. Please look at me." is desperate. And sad.

Oh. It's that simple?

If you want a project, learn a craft. Or get a dog.

But I like black! And I'm pretty sure no one has ever called me boring or unoriginal.

If a guy likes you with so much makeup that it takes three washings to remove it, he's into trannies. You should RUN before you find him wearing your bra and panties.

You should also pray that he never takes you on a date near the water or in the rain. And he should never show up before you've had an hour to blow out your hair. Seems like it might not be such great advice to consider a guy who wouldn't like the real you. But what do I know? I'm not making millions giving this advice. I'm just glad I don't have to pay for it!

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Monday, December 20, 2010

On The Ninth Day of Tweepmas...

Twitter gave to me ... Hugh Hefner.

Well, he really belongs to us all, doesn't he? If you thought you knew enough about him from those stories about The Mansion or the reality show The Girls Next Door, you haven't seen anything yet. I learned these nine things from The Hef on Twitter.

Or as I imagine the Bunnies call it, "Classic Movie Night." It's nice of Hef to introduce the young girls to movies their parents watched.

That was re-Tweeted by Hef. It was originally posted by his current girlfriend (the only one living with him - according to his Tweets). Kind of not surprised that there are erect things lining the driveway. I imagine there might be glowing balls hanging around there. What? It's the holidays. Don't be a pervert!

OOOH! Movie trivia! I like it. I've never seen that one (but watched a little on youtube). I've only seen the one with Neil Diamond.

There's proof Hef is taking care of his own Tweet business! I wonder if he's reading this?

I can totally relate. If I don't call a computer a bad name at least once a week, all is not right with the world.

Really? I've always thought it means that either they want more cash or they're just testing the waters to see if anyone actually wants to see them naked.

It would not be Hollywood without the sign OR Hef.

NBC? Wow. I would think cable - or even a channel like HBO - would be the one pursuing something like this. How will they show the bunny bits? Parents (and prudes) will not be happy with that! If it winds up on TV, I'll still check it out.

Who knew? Hef might be the most knowledgeable man out there! If I'm ever on a game show that allows lifelines, I hope he'll be mine!

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