Yay, Me!

It was down to the wire, but I met my Goodreads goal with about a day to spare!

I started the last book,The Twelve Tribes of Hattie, December 23 and finished it Sunday afternoon. I started the year with the longest book I've ever picked up: 1Q84 (945 pages - if I hadn't bought the e-version, it could have been a weapon).

Of all the books I read, the ones that earned five stars were:

• Gone Girl
• Domestic Violets
• Live By Night
• Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk
• The Outpost
• The Price of Politics

If you're keeping score, that's four books of fiction and two non-fiction.

I did read about a thousand pages fewer this year than last year (but in 2011, I read 30 books). I think I will keep my goal for 2013 at 25 books. I'm starting it off with The President's Club. It's more than 600 pages long and I bought the hardcover version because it's the kind of book I will likely go back to (plus, if I want to share it with anyone I can - stupid ebooks and their non-sharable rules). So if you see me walking with my bag and I'm leaning to one side, know I'm still reading that book and carrying it around with me. If you make fun of me, be warned: I may smack the heck out of you with it.

Unnecessary Christmas Song

I was running errands Saturday and didn't grab my iPod before I left home so I was forced to listen to the radio. Here are a few things I know:

• Satellite radio is only slightly better than regular radio.
• You hear the same songs replayed on satellite just like regular radio.
• You hear songs that make you think maybe silence is a good thing.

Like this one:

Listen, I do love me some Lady GaGa. But I have to draw the line here.

First, it sounds like something a 6-year-old would put together with they keyboard from Santa she just unwrapped.

Second, what lyrics it has are just plain super GaGa. The one that made me go, "Did I just hear that correctly?" was "My Christmas tree is delicious." I'm think she is no more talking about an actual tree than Rihanna is talking about taking a trip with her when she suggests, "Hey boy I really wanna see if you can go downtown with a girl like me." If you don't know what that means, get to Googling. Or text me.

Third, just don't. I get that artists want in on the Christmas payday, but if you're going to write an original song, make it something that can be updated and is still fun - like this.

If you can't do that, then just butcher a traditional holiday song. Or don't sing at all. Because if you torture my ears with that "Christmas Tree" nonsense, I'm just going to wish bad things on you.

Until you come up with a better "Poker Face." Then can we be cool again. Lady GaGa.

Twelfth Day of Ridicumas

As this is my last day of ridiculous holiday wishes, I am reaching high. REALLY high. Like, you might have to be a lottery winner to grant me this wish. Here goes:

Those watches are just the starter for this "WANT." They are pretty and fancy and have so many details, if I listed them here your eyes would glaze over. Click here for more information. If their Moulin Rouge-like vibe doesn't excite you, know that I will let you have your pick of one of the watches and I'll share this with you:

The lucky buyer will also receive two business-class tickets to Paris and Geneva to tour the Van Cleef & Arpels boutique, atelier, and watchmaking workshops. 

See? Like that watch, this entire gift is a wonderful adventure! Once you've coughed up the $1,090,000 for this gift, pack your passport. We'll have such a great time! Pun totally intended!

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Eleventh Day of Ridicumas

Today, I feel the need...the need...for speed. And this "WANT" will do the trick!

This is the Neiman Marcus Edition 2013 McLaren 12C Spider. I don't know much about cars, but this one looks REALLY fast. If you know cars, this might make sense to you:

PERFORMANCE AND TECH SPECS

• M838T 3.8-liter V8 twin-turbo engine
• 7-speed SSG dual-clutch transmission
• Carbon fiber MonoCell one-piece molded chassis
• Passive Roll Over Protection System to maximize occupant safety—each buttress contains a steel structure designed to absorb impact energy and protect both driver and passenger
• 0-60 in 3.2 seconds
• Maximum speed: 204 mph; 196 mph in convertible mode
• Delivers 616 hp and 443 ft. lbs. of power and torque
• Airbrake generates up to 176 lbs of drag when deployed

The 2013 Neiman Marcus Edition McLaren 12C Spider in Volcano Red includes lightweight diamond-cut wheels with Gloss Black inners, Gloss Black graphics, contrast red stitching, a stainless steel special-edition numbered badge, McLaren luggage set, two business-class airfare tickets to Heathrow from the Continental US, two nights of accommodations and meals at the Coworth Park Hotel, all transfers, private VIP dinner with McLaren Chairman, Ron Dennis at Coworth Park, and a tour of the McLaren Technology Center.

Might as well be Japanese.  I do understand the luggage bit and the dinner with Mr. McLaren (yes, I know that's not actually his name, but it's what I'd call him because I don't think he'd mind).

For your generous $354,000 gift, I'll pick you up and we'll take the world's fastest road trip! It's the least I could do!

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Tenth Day of Ridicumas

Foodie friends, we could have one fantastic party! Today's want includes these guys!

Those are chef coats they're wearing - not those white jackets in a loony bin (and if you're saying "that's exactly what you need!" you're a jerk and we can't be friends anymore).

Also, those aren't just any chefs. They're Daniel Boulud, Thomas Keller, Jerome Bocuse and Richard Rosendale. They're not just going to come hang out with me and nine of my favorite people. They are going to make a mystery meal. And they're not alone (nor are they coming empty-handed).

They're bringing Bertha Gonzalez, the world's first female Maestra Tequilera, to kick off the evening with a Casa Dragones tequila tasting. Señora Gonzalez is even providing the party favors: personalized, engraved crystal bottles of the sipping spirit for each of the diners.

If you want to be in on what is sure to be a fantastic night of food and fun, you're going to have to look deep into the sofa cushions for some change. This special wish will cost $250,000. I know. But I'll be there to entertain you, so it's totally worth it!

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Ninth Day of Ridicumas

Today's "WANT" is a real hoot!

See that owl? It's not just any old painting. It's kind of alive. And by "alive," I mean IT BLINKS AND MOVES, Y'ALL! Don't believe me? Take a look at this video.

The artwork is done by Texan Robert Wilson. I know the perfect place for this: my guest bathroom. I think that's the perfect place to scare the youknowwhat out of people when this little birdie comes to life. I did have an idea about putting a camera in there to get the reaction of people, but that's probably an invasion of privacy and it would likely be the last time my guest came over (which may not necessarily be a bad thing in some cases). The only way to make this better is if it was a parrot who would shout things at people! But that's not in the catalog.

This little guy comes with a larger than life price tag: $70,000. For your generous gift, I may hide a camera anyway and just share the video with you. It can be our little secret. I promise you'll get your money's worth!

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Eighth Day of Ridicumas

It's no secret I love a cocktail. So, this may be THE gift of all gifts for me:

That's the Bulleit Woody Tailgate Trailer! It's super cute! And get a good look at that bar!

That's not just stocked by yours truly. They're throwing in a year's supply of Bulleit Bourbon and Bulleit Rye! I just read the fine print and that means four cases of each. Guess I'd quickly be on the hook for this booze trailer of fun, but that's OK.

It isn't just drinktastic on the outside!

Sleek leather furnishings and details from Moore & Giles, rich wood finishings (handcrafted from reclaimed Bulleit Bourbon casks), elegant glassware, and a top-notch entertainment system, including a flat-screen TV, Blu-ray Disc™ player, and a state-of-the-art sound system.

I might actually go camping in something like this! What else could a girl possibly need? Oh, you. You can come along to my booze party. Maybe we'll have a campfire and s'mores!

So, don't you think this is a great gift?

If you're saying yes, here's the important news: This bad boy is $150,000. And there are only two of them so you don't have much time to think about this. DO IT NOW! It's also supporting amfAR, so you're helping two causes (an actual charity and my well-being - because even though there's booze involved and my liver could suffer a smidge, I'd be destressing and cheering you with every sip)!

See you in the great outdoors!

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Seventh Day of Ridicumas

This gift will require me to sacrifice one of my guest rooms. It's a big one. Ready?

I'll be kind to you visitors and give up my office. You guys, this Arcade Trunk is better than a trip to Dave & Busters! Besides the fancy calfskin seats (yeah, take that arcade-grade plastic touched by too many strange butts!), this comes with:

Formula 1™ racing seats with Thrustmaster T500 RS Force Wheel, a selection of 24 PlayStation® 3 games, Bluetooth® 3 wireless music system, motion-detection camera, 2 SingStar® 3 microphones, and much more. Maybe you'll start with a little karaoke sing-off—you chuckle, imagining your version of "Welcome to the Jungle" blasting through the unparalleled 1800-watt sound system. 

Oh, the TV is also included as are 3D glasses. See? Totally worth the $90,000 price tag! And you don't need quarters (though I may try to charge people if they lose a game). Would you like to play a game? Then buy this for me and we can play!

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Sixth Day of Ridicumas

Since it's the holidays and I'm in a sharing spirit, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be Annie.

To put this in perspective, I was a little girl with curly hair at a time when there weren't awesome curly hair products that manage ringlets without frizz. I had short hair. See this picture to the left? You have NO idea how much work that was for my mom.

Then, came this curly-haired red head who stumbled into a fantasy life where everything was possible - with a song (NOTE: I am NOT a good singer, so I figured this meant I could never be Annie)! So, on this sixth day of Ridicumas, I have found something that will make my inner child ridiculously happy:

A WALK-ON ROLE IN ANNIE: THE MUSICAL!

It says it's a walk-on, so I probably wouldn't have a line to say. That doesn't mean I can't mouth the words on stage or behind the curtain!

This fun gift is a mere $30,000. Plus travel expenses. It does include a five-course dinner post-show with the show's producers, who I have no doubt would find me incredibly charming and want to back a one-woman show based on my blog. See? Pays for itself!

And if you're thinking this would be a waste of money, you're wrong. The money is split between the Pedigree Foundation and the Pet Rescue and Pajama Program. If you can't support that, you clearly hate animals. And if you hate animals, we can't be friends. Why on Earth would you be buying me a gift if we can't be friends? Creeper.

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Fifth Day of Ridicumas

Having my own little container garden has made me think if I can grow peppers, tomatoes and herbs, I can handle chickens! Naturally, I need a chicken coop.

This one is called Beau Coop. It should be called Beau Cute! As if that cute little egg shack isn't enough, it comes with 10 hand-selected hens. Like this one:

And the description of the coop makes me think I'll have to do some decorating inside my own coop just to keep up.

Your custom-made multilevel dwelling features a nesting area, a "living room" for nighttime roosting, a broody room, a library filled with chicken and gardening books for visitors of the human kind, and, of course, an elegant chandelier.

Apparently, that leads to happy chickens and good eggs. I have so much to learn! Including how to handle baby chicks under the chandelier.

This little bit of farm living in the city isn't cheap. The coop and birdies come with a $100,000 price tag. Plus delivery (must be too big for Santa's sleigh). I'll make you a deal: you spring for this and I'LL cover delivery. I'll even share my eggs with you. You in?

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Fourth Day of Ridicumas

What is not to love about this Alexander McQueen knuckle-clasp ostrich feather clutch?

Feathers? Um, yes please.

And get a look at the knuckle-clasp!

Gems and skulls? I NEED a clutch that announces "I like sparkly things AND I can kick your ass without losing a lip gloss!"

We're getting to the ridicumas price tags with this one. It's nearly $3000. Don't roll your eyes or shout, "You have GOT to be kidding me!" at your monitor. The monitor can't see or hear you so you're just wasting your time. You should be out there making this magic happen. I promise not to treat it as a fancy set of brass knuckles...unless I'm challenged. Then, I will get punchy to defend my honor and that of the ostrich who shed its feathers so that I may rock this look.

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Third Day of Ridicumas

There are two reasons some of you might find this next "WANT" crazy.

1. They're Toms.
2. They're sparkly.

Here's the thing: I fully recognize I need a sparklevention. I can't help that I like sparkly things. I also can't deny that I have a pair of sparkly leopard print Toms that are kind of my favorite shoe right now. They are comfortable and shiny! Do you have any idea how hard it is to combine those two? DO YOU?

These are $85, a little more than I paid for my sparkly shoes. But I'm worth it! Also, if you buy me sparkly things, I can say, "I didn't buy it," so it will be OK for me to wear them. I like a size nine so my toes are free to move about the cabin. 

PS - as a way of controlling my passion for sparkly things, I try to limit myself to one shiny item - unless they're shoes. Then I wear two. Because I have two feet. And if I wore two different shoes people would think something is wrong with me. And there isn't. Liar.

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Second Day of Ridicumas

I like to think this is actually not so crazy.

It's Oscar de la Renta's crystal panther ring!

I don't exactly see a panther here. I see a sparkly voodoo face. And that's a good thing! It could keep the bad spirits away with just a twinkle of its gemmed features! Y'all, THIS COULD SAVE MY LIFE!!!

It's $265, so it won't break the bank. And if it would, you need to stop spending your money on crazy things like electricity and water and smartphones. Loser.

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First Day of Ridicumas

That's right. I'm making up a word. It's a combination of ridiculous and Christmas - my own holiday where I wish for things that are kind of crazy but not really since these are actual things you could buy out of the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book. I would have gone with LudaChristmas but that's already taken. So, I kick off today's "WANT" with something that's not super insane.

The folks at Natori call this a caftan. I say it's the prettiest muumuu I've ever seen! My friends know that I look forward to the day when I can wear these without complete judgment (like you people would do to me if I started wearing these out of the house on the regular).

There is something about the loose, flowy and somewhat dressy house dress that appeals to me. Totally not practical on a cold day - unless I wear leggings. OOH! That's an idea! And I don't think it would be completely giving up on any attempt at fashion since I'd keep shaving  my legs. That's effort! And since this one costs $180, I don't think you could ignore the potential of such a pretty caftan!

Happy Hanukkah!

I hope Hanukkah is off to a lovely start for you! But it might not be if you're trolling the internet right now. Maybe these e-cards will give you exactly what you need?

Currently Reading

REVIEW:
Live by Night by Dennis Lehane

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


By the time the credits rolled on the season finale of "Boardwalk Empire," I missed my favorite bootleggers. Then, I started this book and felt as if I were with my enterprising friends who moved south.
A writer who can make you feel sympathy and even love a guy who is cold, calculating and kind to the core gets it right. There is absolutely nothing wrong in this book. There are moments that made me hold my breath and wonder what would happen as I slowly turned the pages. There are moments that made me sad. Even some that made me angry.
I only hope that this book, like some of the others written by Mr. Lehane, will some day be turned into a movie. I would watch it from the edge of my seat and root for the bad guy with a heart of gold!



View all my reviews

Army of Four

I don't think you could fit an army of five in this small SUV. Where would all their gear go?

More Bad Ideas

Have you ever thought, "I'd REALLY love to have a picnic, but there aren't any tables around?" Then you might not think this is such a bad idea.

Friends, strangers who are reading this - THESE ARE PICNIC PANTS!

I'll admit, they seem kind of practical here. But take a look at them when you're not having a meal served on your crotchal region:

They're like the ugly stepsister to Hammer Pants. I also think that silvery stretchy "table" part looks like a heat trap. Who wants to cook their privates? Oh, you do? Then you should buy these and send me a picture of you putting them to good use. I'll only judge for a few minutes. Really. I have issues with my short-term memory.

Here's another fashion misstatement.

Those dresses were really made to show off what the designer calls a "woman's best asset." It's definitely NOT something to wear to the office or any work-related functions - UNLESS your work involves some sort of prostitution. That seems like it's encouraged by the designer:

The idea behind, designee and create this sexy strings and sexy dresses was our endeavor to go against the preoccupation that exists for sex.

Oh. Now I get it. If you buy any of these dresses, PLEASE DO NOT send me a picture of you wearing it. And if you do buy one, wait until it's warm outside. Not to sound all grandmotherly, but you'll catch a cold and die. Or something.

Currently Reading

The Round House by Louise Erdrich

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Love, pain, revenge and friendship are the things that make a good crime-based novel good. In this case, a teenage boy takes them to a whole other level. I don't know much about life on a reservation, but I can't imagine one bit of this book not being possible. These characters have incredible bonds and share truths they seem capable of holding onto until death and longer. This book was wonderfully written!



View all my reviews

"Goonie" Sighting?

I only know of two Chunks - one is a candy bar, the other is a Goonie. Because I have a special place in my heart for Goonies, I was excited when I saw this:

Then, I was sad. Was he permanently hurt on one of his adventures and now cruises around in a minivan and needs special parking?

Once I decided to take a closer look, I zoomed past and saw it was a lady. Disappointing. Not my kind of Chunk.

Getting It Wrong

I saw this ad in a magazine recently.

If there IS a man in there, I doubt any amount of Old Spice would make him smell better. In fact, fellas, if you like all those funky smells, do the world a favor and DON'T try to make it go away with Old Spice - or any other scent. Treat yourself as if you have been sprayed by a skunk and strip your scent down to nothing. Like this guy:

Only then can our noses tolerate the man fragrance.

And then there are these:

Those are Ballroom Jeans.

They aren't made for dancing (though, judging by the ad, you could dance in them - apparently without injury). Because I don't have those man parts, I don't know why these seem to be a brilliant product. The only reason I use the word "brilliant' in this case is that guys I've shown this to have responded in a "Why didn't I think of that?" way. I didn't realize crouching lead to ouching before this!

They don't look very stylish, but I guess these are just for comfort. Like pajama jeans but for dudes?

Drawing The Line

I officially know it's the holiday season when I see this:

I sometimes wander the aisles of the grocery store, whispering to pumpkins, "You're not great, but you're still kind of cute." Yes, I know it's crazy, but I like it. 

Then, there's this:

Nothing says Turkey Day like a beagle carving a turkey for a bird!

I usually catch this one at least once:

This one is totally inappropriate, but one I giggle at at least once over the holidays:

WARNING: DO NOT PRESS PLAY UNLESS YOU CAN HANDLE OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE.

But I absolutely MUST draw the line with these spinoffs:

But I think this REALLY takes the cake:

Anyone who tells you "happiness is a warm blanket," is NOT your friend. Unless you're homeless. Then, this whole thing is just mean and sad.

I can only hope this new movie bound for the theaters (and not straight to TV or DVD like the latest round of Charlie Brown movies) makes up for those shady knockoffs!

Happy Thanksgiving!

The only thing better than turkey, the trimmings and pie (LOTS of pie) is a good laugh. If your family isn't funny, take a peek at these e-cards and giggle. Then, try to sneak in some of these one (and two) liners. I won't tell anyone that you didn't think of it first!

Case of The Mondays

Now that the clock says it's Tuesday, I can celebrate the end of a stupid Monday. Here's how it went:

9AM: Drove to Time Warner office to exchange DVR. The old one's hard drive was a liar. It claimed 4 hourlong shows were all it could handle. Tech support said the technical term was something along the lines of a fried hard drive. Learned they don't like their equipment called a liar. Could be why they said they didn't have any whole house DVRs and sent me to another location.

9:45AM: Pick up replacement DVR. Ask if I have to do anything other than plug it in. Employee says no.

10:25AM: Return home. Plug in new DVR. Realize I was lied to and have to program new remote. TV code works, can't get DVR to talk to anything.

10:50AM: Cursed at cat for attacking the only instructions I have - for the remote. Call tech support. I try to answer without saying, "What was that?" every time "Rob" gave instructions. He has me unplug video cables and I realize I'M stupid. I mixed up the blue and green cables. Then, Rob does some magic from his computer while talking me through programming the DVR with the remote.

11:30AM: Get ready for work (shower, lunch, "Boardwalk Empire").

2PM: Take first sip of peppermint mocha.

2:05PM: Discover mocha splash on white shirt. Use stain stick. Now have white stuff around stain. Rinsing doesn't make it better.

2:50PM: Discover two more mocha splashes. Inspection of lid finds hole and small pool of mocha. Think bad thoughts about Starbucks.

3:20PM: Try to turn my luck around by putting white shirt on backwards. Show coworkers I am magically stain-free.

7:10PM: Decision to eat anything with color was a bad one. Sauce from my Chinese food has dropped onto the back of my white shirt (which I proudly made the front of my shirt earlier).

10:55PM: Highway signs warn of closure. It's not on my route. Suddenly see arrow indicating a lane closure. Without warning, the highway goes from four lanes to one. Takes almost 10 minutes to clear this random/surprise construction zone.

11:20PM: Hear beeping. Walk under last smoke detector that had a dying battery and warn it by saying, "I WILL PUNCH YOU IF YOUR BATTERY DIED IN LESS THAN THREE MONTHS!" Lucky for it, the problem is in another room. Lucky for me, it's not one of the two alarms I can't reach from my ladder.

11:35PM: Sit down to start writing recap of "Dancing With The Stars, All-Stars." New DVR is a naughty bastard. It skipped the recording. Email work to find replacement.

11:50PM: Reach to turn off living room light and it moves. I scream. I look near switch to see small gecko. It slithered away. I wished it luck because my cat likes to torture lizards to near death, then he abandons them.

Can't remember when I last had such a stupid Monday. Hope I don't have another one again. Well, at least not for a while.

Cats Can Drive!

That was my first thought when I saw this license plate. Then I realized there's no way cats can reach the pedals!

I didn't get a good look at the driver, so I can only assume it's a crazy cat lady on her way to buy more vittles for her 25 furkids.