Chip 3

This license plate seems to break a lot of stereotypes about people named Chip.

First of all, thanks to movies, I always assume they're a little bit like this:

Creepy.

Second, Chip hasn't been a popular name since the 1960s. CHIPS ARE PRACTICALLY EXTINCT! Either this guy is super rare or he's pretty old. It would surprise me if a really old guy felt the need to put his name on his truck's license plate.

Third, I think they're more of a sports car driver.

Catching this guy in his giant truck was a bit of a surprise. I mean, WHERE ARE THE TRUCK NUTS?!?!

I'd also like to see CHIP1 and CHIP2. Isn't that why he had to choose CHIP3?

I'm Not Old Enough For This!

I know I'm not as young as I used to be. I feel it when I get out of bed in the morning. I see it when I look in the mirror. Now, it seems my mailbox is beginning to be assaulted by my not-quite-elderly condition.

Without solicitation, I received a free trial offer for this magazine.

Redbook.

I've always thought of it as the magazine for ladies who were too old for sassier, fashion-heavy magazines. When I say "too old," I mean the menopausal set.

But this was free.

Why not take a peek?

As I flip past all the pages advertising skin care products promising to make a lady stop aging in its tracks, I see things like this.

Tori Spelling is offering crafty tips on these pages.

WHAT THE DONNA MARTIN?!?!

I know it's been a while since she was on 90210 and that she's into things like this when not busy with her children and her reality show, but come on! If people want to learn to give a chair a makeover, they're on Pinterest. In fact, I've probably pinned something like this knowing I'll NEVER do it. Because I'm not crafty. Yet.

Now this is EXACTLY what I expected to see in this magazine.

This lovely gray-haired lady wrote about not coloring her hair. I've been in a war with pigment-challenged hair for about a decade now. As pretty as her hair is (and my mom has done the same thing so maybe this magazine really IS for people her age), I'm not ditching the dye.

It may be my last stand against aging, but I'm not giving up until every single hair follicle has had the color (dark brown, I think) knocked out of it for good!

And then there's this broad, a model/actress who can afford a trainer (both financially and with hours to dedicate to working out) telling me what 40 will be like.

Right.

I'm not afraid to turn 40. I'm just not sure I need someone who pretty much had it going on before the big 4-0 telling me how great things are. If I had millions of dollars and a team of people to make me look as good as Rebecca Romijn, I'd celebrate every day. Naked. In public. NOTE: If I win the lottery, none of you can hold me to this.

So which is it, Redbook? Do you want me to be fit and healthy or do you want me to get crafty in the kitchen with ice cream?

I'm so confused.

I'm also pretty sure NO ONE ever says, "I wish I could find a new way to love ice cream." If they do, they're probably lactose-intolerant and shouldn't try any of these "new and improved" ice cream recipes.

I admit that I stared at this page a little longer than usual because I saw it after I returned home from the gym. I just looked at it. I did not rush out and buy any of the things needed to make these dishes.

I did linger here a bit.

I don't like camping because I've had some traumatic bug experiences. It's also very hot and I can't sleep like that. I also fear being attacked by a serial killer - or even just a regular old killer - while snoozing in a tent. It happens. I don't have the stats for it, but just google "murdered while camping" and see what happens. I just did it and saw more than 1.4 million results! See? I'm not making things up! I hope this doesn't get the government's attention. I was just curious and not plotting a crime.

One of the entries that got my attention was a mention of Marfa, Texas. I've wanted to make the trip to see the lights and this quirky little town in the middle of nowhere for a while. They mentioned a place where you can stay in a vintage trailer. I looked it up. They're super cute. They have their own bathrooms and real beds. I'm sure there are other cool places to stay there, I just haven't looked them up. Now I'm seriously considering waiting until the weather is nicer and making the trip. I could still be murdered, but I'm a little less scared of this in a trailer vs. a tent. I think.

So, dear Redbook, you don't have to keep sending me your magazine. I'm out. It makes me feel old. I don't need this from a magazine. I need to feel like I'm not in the same demographic as my mother. Because I'm not.

I'll Never Do This Again

PS - If you tell me I'm wrong and that this show is fantastic, our friendship is OVER.

Dan Rather?

I know Dan Rather has ties to Texas, so there's a chance this small SUV belongs to him.

I would be a little surprised if he'd put his name on his license plate. It doesn't seem like he'd want people honking their horns at him or shouting things about the scandal that ended his network career. OOOH! Or shouting, "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" at him! I think that might make him a little less cranky. I don't really know why I think Dan is an old crank. Maybe it's because he's now on some cable channel most people don't know exists (I'm pretty sure it's not listed among the hundreds of channels I get). If he really is cruising around with this license plate, I'm sad for him. So sad, I kind of want to give Dan a hug. Kind of.

I could be wrong.

In fact, the more I look at this, the more I think maybe it doesn't really say RATHER. Maybe it says RAT HER. Like, "I'm going to rat her out." Don't roll your eyes. It's a possibility.

So is the pronunciation. Maybe it's supposed to be read RATE HER. In that case, the guy driving this is a douchebag. You don't rate girls. That's rude and a sure way to not get ladies to ever want to spend time with you - even the 10s. They'll be worried that you will lower their rating and that will send them on a path of self-destruction (eating disorders, plastic surgery, dating more douchebags, etc.).

And just like that, I've gone from being excited about maybe seeing Dan Rather in the home improvement store (I did not) to wanting to punch the owner of this Kia.

We Need New Names

We Need New Names: A Novel by NoViolet Bulawayo

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I have always wondered what happens to children removed from harsh lands to America, still seen as the land of dreams and opportunities. Darling's story, while fictional, gives some insight into that dramatic change.

Fleeing Africa with visions of the America she'd seen on TV, Darling winds up in significantly unglamorous Michigan. She is a young girl in need of guidance who never gets it, instead making her way mostly on her own. She lives a life that will be limited because she's not in America legally. Her childhood dreams don't seem that much different as she ages in America. Her family and friends back home don't have the real view of America that Darling lives. Her reality is harsh - she's destined to spend her life working jobs that keep her off the radar of the government. The worst thing that could happen is she could be found out and then sent home to a place and people she wouldn't recognize.

Her life is probably safer in American than it would be in her homeland. Her personal safety is not as threatened as it would be in Africa, but she seems lonely. No matter how "American" Darling becomes, she seems to still miss the things she loved about her African childhood.

This is the kind of story that reminds me how lucky I am to have been born in America. My life has never been run by fear or even the kind of abandonment so many children in this world see as normal. It is a raw story that may make some uncomfortable. It made me grateful.

I could never walk a mile in an immigrant's shoes. This book gives me a chance to walk just a few steps. Darling's dreams aren't all that different from mine or anyone else's - a chance for a good, safe, happy life. If there was one more chapter in this book, I'd like to think Darling gets all of that and more.



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Coolidge

Coolidge by Amity Shlaes

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


This book promised to give me more insight into this President. Instead, it told me all the things I already knew - all learned from history books that got to the point faster.

Coolidge liked numbers more than he liked people. It's why he enjoyed the budget process and finding ways to cut taxes without actually having to see people face-to-face. When the country was in crisis, he hunkered down with numbers instead of consoling people. He hated big government, but that was his comfort zone.

The best part of his story is his struggle to make something of himself - even if it was something he didn't really seem to want. Why doesn't Coolidge get respect for the things he accomplished in office? Probably because he didn't allow the people who voted him into office to get to know him. Career suicide for a politician.



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Cooking Up Trouble

I keep seeing something on Facebook that bothers me. It shouldn't just bother me. It should bother Rachael Ray.

These ads are ALL OVER my home page. In fact, in one day, four of them showed up on the right side of the page.

I've seen Rachael Ray lately (on TV, not in real life) and she does look like she's lost a little bit of weight. Not too much, though, because then no one would want to try her yum-o recipes. There's that old rule: don't trust a skinny cook.

But here's why Rachael should be mad: THAT'S NOT HER IN THE PICTURES!

They're showing some ridiculously thin woman who looks like her diet strategy consists of coffee, cigarettes, a piece of fruit and eight hours of exercise daily. NOTE: I might be a bit extreme in my speculation, but if I can see your collarbone, you're not eating enough and someone needs to stage an intervention with you.

If you're foolish to believe you can lose four dress sizes fast without a "crazy diet," you should send me your bank account information STAT so I can help you achieve this goal. Wait. Don't do that. It would make me just as bad as the scammers flooding Facebook with these ads.

If you don't believe me when I say that's NOT Rachael Ray, take a look at this:

Original image can be found here.

That's a recent picture of her. She looks pretty good. Not sickly thin. Healthy.

I'm such a good Internet sleuth (AKA I read USMagazine and know how to Google) that I believe I have identified the poor sap who's being called an insanely skinny Rachael Ray.

Original image can be found here.

That's British pop star Cheryl Cole. If you had something in your eye and tried to focus on that picture, you might think it's Rachael Ray. But it's not. You most definitely should not be online thinking you've found the magical weight loss cure. You need to see an eye doctor right away. And hide your credit cards. You can thank me later.

This isn't the first time I've busted a Facebook ad with misleading pictures. Anderson Cooper never thanked me for this. It's OK. I still love him.

Celebrities may not surf Facebook regularly, but I bet the person(s) tasked with managing their official pages do. They need to contact Mark Zuckerberg and get the site to put a stop to it. It's bad for their image. It's also bad for Facebook. It's the kind of thing that makes me think all the ads - even the ones from brands I know - aren't legit. I know that I shouldn't whine about a site that's free and not a requirement for life, but I hate seeing people and their good names/faces damaged.

So, Rachael, if you're out there, make a call. You don't have to thank me.

Give Me Everything You Have: On Being Stalked

Give Me Everything You Have: On Being Stalked by James Lasdun

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


I expected so much more from this book. A writer who is stalked and harassed by a woman with mental illness should have a great story to tell. Instead, this was an unorganized account of the events. I wouldn't wish this on anyone (the stalking and, to a certain extent, the book). I didn't hate this, but I wish this had been easier to read. It had potential. It just didn't deliver.



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Morning Confusion

Every morning that I remember to take my multi-vitamin, I am so proud of myself! But today, the bottle was turned around and I saw this:

Instant disappointment.

Why? Because I foolishly thought the front of the bottle was all the instruction I needed.

It says it right there in the title!

ONE A DAY! For more than a year, I have been popping one of these orange vitamins daily (mostly). Now, I learn I'm supposed to take TWO!

This kind of deceptive labeling is something the government needs to drop everything and fix. Who do these One A Day people think they are? Here I was thinking I have been doing a good thing by following the large print on the front of the bottle and the fine print on the back is telling me I'm supposed to double down! It's not like there's not room to print Two A Day on the label. Or they could give me one giant pill to take so that it's truly just one a day. Instead, the label lies. How do I even trust the vitamin counts on the back?

What else is lying to me? I feel like I need to go around my house and interrogate everything. That's what not taking your vitamins at the proper dosage does - it makes you crazy. I am no longer responsible for my behavior. If anyone questions me, I'm blaming the lying One A Day vitamins.