Cooking Up Trouble

I keep seeing something on Facebook that bothers me. It shouldn't just bother me. It should bother Rachael Ray.

These ads are ALL OVER my home page. In fact, in one day, four of them showed up on the right side of the page.

I've seen Rachael Ray lately (on TV, not in real life) and she does look like she's lost a little bit of weight. Not too much, though, because then no one would want to try her yum-o recipes. There's that old rule: don't trust a skinny cook.

But here's why Rachael should be mad: THAT'S NOT HER IN THE PICTURES!

They're showing some ridiculously thin woman who looks like her diet strategy consists of coffee, cigarettes, a piece of fruit and eight hours of exercise daily. NOTE: I might be a bit extreme in my speculation, but if I can see your collarbone, you're not eating enough and someone needs to stage an intervention with you.

If you're foolish to believe you can lose four dress sizes fast without a "crazy diet," you should send me your bank account information STAT so I can help you achieve this goal. Wait. Don't do that. It would make me just as bad as the scammers flooding Facebook with these ads.

If you don't believe me when I say that's NOT Rachael Ray, take a look at this:

Original image can be found here.

That's a recent picture of her. She looks pretty good. Not sickly thin. Healthy.

I'm such a good Internet sleuth (AKA I read USMagazine and know how to Google) that I believe I have identified the poor sap who's being called an insanely skinny Rachael Ray.

Original image can be found here.

That's British pop star Cheryl Cole. If you had something in your eye and tried to focus on that picture, you might think it's Rachael Ray. But it's not. You most definitely should not be online thinking you've found the magical weight loss cure. You need to see an eye doctor right away. And hide your credit cards. You can thank me later.

This isn't the first time I've busted a Facebook ad with misleading pictures. Anderson Cooper never thanked me for this. It's OK. I still love him.

Celebrities may not surf Facebook regularly, but I bet the person(s) tasked with managing their official pages do. They need to contact Mark Zuckerberg and get the site to put a stop to it. It's bad for their image. It's also bad for Facebook. It's the kind of thing that makes me think all the ads - even the ones from brands I know - aren't legit. I know that I shouldn't whine about a site that's free and not a requirement for life, but I hate seeing people and their good names/faces damaged.

So, Rachael, if you're out there, make a call. You don't have to thank me.

Give Me Everything You Have: On Being Stalked

Give Me Everything You Have: On Being Stalked by James Lasdun

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


I expected so much more from this book. A writer who is stalked and harassed by a woman with mental illness should have a great story to tell. Instead, this was an unorganized account of the events. I wouldn't wish this on anyone (the stalking and, to a certain extent, the book). I didn't hate this, but I wish this had been easier to read. It had potential. It just didn't deliver.



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Morning Confusion

Every morning that I remember to take my multi-vitamin, I am so proud of myself! But today, the bottle was turned around and I saw this:

Instant disappointment.

Why? Because I foolishly thought the front of the bottle was all the instruction I needed.

It says it right there in the title!

ONE A DAY! For more than a year, I have been popping one of these orange vitamins daily (mostly). Now, I learn I'm supposed to take TWO!

This kind of deceptive labeling is something the government needs to drop everything and fix. Who do these One A Day people think they are? Here I was thinking I have been doing a good thing by following the large print on the front of the bottle and the fine print on the back is telling me I'm supposed to double down! It's not like there's not room to print Two A Day on the label. Or they could give me one giant pill to take so that it's truly just one a day. Instead, the label lies. How do I even trust the vitamin counts on the back?

What else is lying to me? I feel like I need to go around my house and interrogate everything. That's what not taking your vitamins at the proper dosage does - it makes you crazy. I am no longer responsible for my behavior. If anyone questions me, I'm blaming the lying One A Day vitamins.

Sometimes Art Scares Me

It's not that I can't appreciate the finer things in life. I can. I can even appreciate the odd things, like cactus flowers that I REALLY want to get up close and sniff but am terrified the cactus will attack me the second I lean in. But on a recent trip to Dallas, I spotted a few things that were artsy but scary.

Like this.


That's a shark fountain.

Those of you who, in the words of the great 30 Rock character Tracy Jordan, live every week like it's shark week probably aren't weirded out by this.

Because I have been terrified to get in murky or really deep water because I saw JAWS as a child, I have so much respect for sharks I just like to give them plenty of room. So much room that they can have the whole ocean.

A shark fountain? You might as well invite sharks to swim their way into your plumbing, then wait for you to take a bath or sit on the toilet! Look at the teeth on that bastard! The only wish you should make into that fountain is for one of those mesh shark suits to wear at all times because the sharks will NOT be happy to learn you've taken them off land and reduced them to the roles of little sculpted boys who pee. They will get revenge. There's not a big enough boat to save you.

LOVE YOU, SHARKS!


I also spotted this while looking for a bathroom in a gallery. I almost emptied my bladder on the spot.

ADOPT YOU? I don't even like looking at you while I write about you! I don't know if this artist was never allowed to play with dolls or ONLY played with dolls, but these little "works of art" are a big, fat cry for therapy. I've actually had this nightmare before. The dolls come to life after dark and they cry and say, "Mama." Then, when I'm trying to figure out if I can make the jump from my bed to the doorway to escape (because it would be crazy to just get out of bed so the super mean dolls can grab my feet, pull me under the bed and kill me), the dolls start to walk and reach for me. I always wake up at that point. I don't know why that dream scares me. I don't have dolls. But I do have a cat who I'm pretty sure wants to kill and eat me. That's a whole other post unrelated to art.

Here's something I can support.

There is NO way Mickey Mouse is still alive. I firmly believe he's just bones but still offering up smiles. Unless Walt Disney froze him, too. How you freeze a cartoon - other than pressing pause on your DVD - is the kind of science I don't get.

I also like this Mickey's cowboy boots and spurs. I suppose a cowboy hat over those ears would be too much to ask? You can totally tell this artist is playing to Texans. Notice how his four fingers are shaped like guns? And he seems to like it. YEEHAW, Y'ALL!

I'm not sure what's happening with his shadow. I've never seen a cowboy mouse skeleton before, so that could be normal.

UNRELATED: Have you ever noticed that skeletons tend to have a lot of their teeth but when you see people who look like they're walking dead they don't have all their teeth? What's that about?

I know art is all in the eye of the beholder, but I have beholden some things that make me think crazy people are just crafty and someone supervising them realizes other crazy people will be all, "OOOOH! I have to have that for my collection!" Since I can take a few pictures and walk away, I'm taking that as a sign I'm not crazy. Well, not THAT crazy.

Vampires In The Lemon Grove

Vampires in the Lemon Grove: Stories by Karen Russell

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


This is the second book of short stories I read this year. Like the first one, I forgot this book was a series of short stories and not just one (super confusing when I started the second chapter/story). I really loved the first story about the vampires in the lemon grove. I could have read a whole book on that. I liked it so much, that I was disappointed with the other stories. This reminded me of a trip to the amusement park where I tackle the biggest, scariest ride first and am disappointed by all the other rides. This wasn't terrible. I wanted to love it. I liked it. Mostly.



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Addicted To Photo Apps

My current obsession is photography apps. Here's what I have on my phone right now.

I'm not actually good at taking pictures, but my iPhone is. And when I don't think my pictures are great, I put them in one of those apps and pretty them up.

Total faker, I know, but it makes me document the fun, random and boring things I see every day. (Apologies to my Facebook friends and Twitter followers for the nearly daily posts)

If you're photo challenged, check out some of my favorites:

I took these ordinary photos and jazzed them up using Beautiful Mess.

I used a filter on each - the picture on the left was made a little brighter; the one on the left is using a 'vampire' filter (because I thought that sounded cool.

The text on the left is one of the available words to place anywhere with any color. The text on the left was my own creation. I did use the fishhook arrow they included, I just made it pink.

See? Not so boring anymore!

This one is a fun collage app I use probably too much.

It's called Diptic.

It has a whole bunch of templates. You choose one that will hold however many images you want. It will let you place the images in the little collage box. You can zoom in/out. You can add borders and even adjust them. You can also add text.

It really is simple. In this picture, I did a screen grab of a text my mom sent me and included a (blurry) photo she sent me with it.

I still don't know if my mom is being serious, if her doctor is playing a prank or if mom got a hold of a doctor's pad and is just making stuff up. Any one of those options is possible.

The one on the right also uses Diptic, but I made it a little fancier with Typic Pro.

I adjusted the filter on this collage of my tomato plants and their little darlings. I've been taking a photo every week because I'm so excited that I haven't killed them (yet).

I used the text and put a little ribbon-like background on it.

Have you ever seen gardening documented in a more adorable way? DON'T DISAGREE WITH ME!

The photo on the left is Uncle Ruslan (he's the guy who called the Boston bombing suspects - also his nephews - losers). I send that picture to my friends when they're doing losery things. Because I care.

This is one of about a million pictures I made using The Walking Dead Dead Yourself app.

I seriously went crazy with this.

I zombied myself at least six times (that I saved).

I zombied friends.

I zombied my cat and dog.

I had a few people tell me I should delete this app so I'd stop doing this. I did not listen to them. I will zombie everything when this show returns later this year. Maybe I'll zombie you if you're nice.

This PopAGraph makes me feel like a bit of a photo genius!

I took this picture of a lady bug which was really not so special in full color.

But the after is all ABRACADABRA KAPOW! Look at how that little ladybug pops in full color with everything else in black and white!

Sure I could do this in Photoshop if I practiced a few hours daily. But this app made my quick nature snap look like art. I will sell you a print for $100. It's a worthy investment. You won't regret it.

I have a few other apps I use mostly just for enhancing the colors or for other effects. These are my favorite apps that do more than that without taking up too much time or making me yell at my phone like a crazy person (which I am NOT - stop judging me).

I hope I'm not missing out on any other apps. I have my fingers crossed that I'll find one that turns my pictures into a hologram. That's really all I'm missing right now.

Pigeon In A Crosswalk

Pigeon in a Crosswalk: Tales of Anxiety and Accidental Glamour by Jack Gray

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Jack Gray is my favorite kind of crazy. Harmless (well, to others - mostly). Funny. In need of a good glass of wine.

While that combination turns up in just about every newsroom I've worked in, none of my friendly coworkers are Jack Gray. And that's not just because they don't have Anderson Cooper's number in their phones.

Jack's book is a nice combination of family tales and office happenings - the kind that make people think the news business is SO glamorous and exciting even though it's rarely one of those and almost never both.

If you've never worked in a newsroom, this book will make you think one of two things: I wish I had that job OR so that's where all the crazy people go when they're not sent to a nice, padded room. If you've worked in a newsroom (or know someone who has), you won't be surprised by the stories about some of the really big names Jack drops. You will not be surprised by the loose security at CNN. I mean, I'm sure it's not THAT easy to get into the building, but once you're in, what's stopping you from wandering into a studio to see Wolf Blitzer's beard up close (I think it holds some kind of magical powers).

Jack is an excellent storyteller. It's no wonder Anderson has kept him around. Unless Jack is like that guy from Office Space who was fired and keeps showing up for work and no one tells him he's been fired. And Jack, if you're reading this, please tell Anderson I love him. I know he doesn't get that enough.



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And here's the part where I embarrass myself by posting a recent text exchange with a photographer.

 

See? Harmless adoration. Apparently my photographer disagreed. He didn't pass on my message. :(  

Detroit: An American Autopsy

Detroit: An American Autopsy by Charlie LeDuff

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Charlie LeDuff wasn't a blip on my radar until recently. I saw some of his reporting and was mesmerized by his storytelling (if you haven't watched his work, check out this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9uzDe...). I figured anyone who could tell a story with such great detail for TV could work magic in a book.

I was right.

Detroit would not be my favorite American city to read about. It's in the news. It's almost never good news. But there was something about the idea of reading about the fall and potential of this once powerful city that appealed to me. If you read nothing else about this book, consider this quote.

"I guess when you get down to it, it's simple," Nevin says. "The man took his factory away, but he didn't take the people with him."

Detroit is losing people at a rapid rate - either to death or to relocation. Why? Is it the lack of jobs? Is it the rampant corruption? These are all things LeDuff explores in this book.

It's personal to him. It should be personal to us all. There's nothing great about one city failing when it could easily succeed. Detroit is worth saving. America needs to remember that. What happened and is still happening in Motor City could happen anywhere.



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The Truth About Dogs

Dogs will never remember how long it's been since they've seen you. They will react like it's been days since you walked into their space.

A dog's nose is not like ours. We like a dog to smell clean. He wants to roll in something stinky (roadkill, poop) to smell better.

Dogs will never throw up on a surface that's easy to clean. They will stand on that surface and puke on carpet.

Dogs think we don't understand that they want to answer the door. They will bark, cry and suddenly become super strong so they can get past your leg as you open the door a half inch to tell a salesperson you're not interested.

Dogs will not want to go outside when you're walking around the house. They will wait until you sit down before deciding to get your attention in their own special way (mine either stares at me or puts his nose on the door - pictured below). Dogs will wait for you to sit down and get comfortable before they must come back inside. They don't understand how much you hate that game.

Dogs are cute. They're not cats.