"Flatscreen"

Looking at the cover of this book, I thought I would love Eli Schwartz. Authors raved over how funny it was. Then, I opened it and started reading. I waited for the funny. Instead, I learned I loathed Eli Schwartz.

Why?

• Eli is a grown man who lives with his mother.
• Eli has no job.
• Eli has never driven a car and needs a ride to and from places he cannot reach on a bicycle.
• Eli is overweight.
• Eli passes the days getting high with other losers.

Now, if you saw those things on an online dating profile, most of you would roll your eyes and move on. Seeing those things in a book, I stuck it out because I thought at some point, Eli will stop disappointing me. If you've ever known someone who refuses to be a grown up (this means getting a job, living on your own and not associating with losers who just want to keep you from doing the first two things), you should not be surprised when you find yourself sighing in disgust every time Eli does something stupid. You will do that a lot. He does many stupid things.

Still, Eli has his charming moments. He has somehow become a good cook. He wants to heal his broken family. He wants love. It's his despicable flaws that hold him back.

This is why I mostly hated Eli and wondered what the other authors saw that I did not. So I kept reading. It wasn't until page 258 (of 327) that I began to cheer Eli. He started making the effort to turn his life around. It may never be perfect. It may never be "happily ever after." But it is better than the life he had. 

Unlike the others who read this and "nearly died from laughter," I still can't relate. It's too hard for me to find humor in someone who continues to fail himself. By the end of this book, I found myself smiling hopefully for Eli. I think even he'd do the same.

Week In Pop Culture

Samantha would be disappointed in this look.

Gerard Butler is in rehab.

J.K. Rowling is writing a book for adults - also known as people who have read Harry Potter.

See? I didn't sit through Wanderlust and new it'd be bad. This poor movie reviewer watched it and felt the same way. So, Hollywood, can you PLEASE stop trying to make me think Jennifer Aniston is funny and a movie star?

Paris Hilton still wants to torture your ears.

If you like a house that's "too much" (and that's putting it mildly), you might be interested in buying Christina Aguilera's home.

Here's Sheryl Crow in a bikini.

I can't decide if it's nice or creepy that Billy Bob Thornton is writing about his marriage to Angelina Jolie - and she wrote the introduction.

I think the Academy Awards say they don't want Sacha Baron Cohen to make a scene, but I think they secretly REALLY want one.

Stop wishing for a Friends reunion because it most likely will not happen.

Octavia Spencer has a post-Oscar plan.

Look! It's Jennifer Love Hewitt! No, seriously. LOOK. AT. HER. It's what she wants.

Kate Walsh would also like you to look at her.


Glee's Amber Riley looks pretty good these days.

Daniel von Bargen (George Costanza's boss on Seinfeld) did something crazy.

TBS wants Conan to stick around a little longer.

If Adam Levine is telling the truth here, I hope kids don't think this is a good idea.

But it's really OK if kids want to be more like Zac Efron.

If that X Factor show wants to keep up the tradition of having judges who aren't known for singing, then this potential new judge will be a good fit.

Minnie Driver has named her baby's daddy.

David Hyde Pierce's awesome home is for sale.

Kelly Ripa rocks a bikini!

Community is coming back soon!

I don't believe Ryan Gosling is being truthful here.

This is what happens when you cut off Adele's speech at an awards show.

Judging by these pictures, Drew Barrymore may be pregnant.

Megan Fox is still wearing bikinis.

Nick Jonas is single.

Look, Rihanna, you might think there's no harm in sharing a song with Chris Brown, but I am telling you: THIS WILL NOT END WELL. Because, you see, Chris is still a jerk.

Chris Tucker has one heckuva tax bill!

Jennifer Garner is still pregnant.

Paris Hilton is a lucky gambler.

Lindsay Lohan will host SNL. And she's kind of a free woman.

Mark Wahlberg has taken an interested approach to try to keep his kids from getting tattoos.

Judi Dench is losing her eyesight.

Matthew Perry is returning to TV.

Robin Thicke was arrested.

Charlie Sheen is back to talking bad about "Two And A Half Men."

Hey! It's Lent!

I'm not getting ashes on my forehead today (because I'm a heathen, obviously). I'm not giving up anything (except being sick - as soon as I can figure out how to do that). I'm also not giving up posting some Ecards here.

Week In Pop Culture

I don't know how Christina Hendricks can breathe in this dress.

Nick Cannon is seriously not well.

Marcia Gay Harden is getting divorced.

Miley Cyrus's pants are so tight, she can't button them while driving.

This is not going to make Mark Anthony happy.

Gary Busey is broke.

I don't like Rihanna's birthday cake.

Lil' Kim and Nicki Minaj are not friends.

Jason Bateman's new baby girl is named Maple. As in syrup.

I'm not sure I can take a weekly Hannibal Lecter show.

Jenny McCarthy is getting a talk show. On VH1.

I want to go to Johnny Weir's wedding!

Jaden Smith looks exactly like his dad.

ZOMG! Not one but TWO Beyonce albums this year!?!?

Another rapper owes the tax man.

Seriously, Chris Brown. STOP.

Hillary Duff looks miserable.

Adele says she won't write another breakup album.

A sea lion got a little too close to Shakira.

Ugh. Transformers 4.

The Catholic church is not a fan of Nicki Minaj.

Matt Bomer is gay.

If Jennifer Aniston thinks this will get me to watch her new movie, she is mistaken.

Adorable!

No big surprises at the BAFTAs.

Michael Keaton may be down with a Beetlejuice 2.

Ryan Phillippe has a TV show.

John Stamos may also be returning to TV.

I love that Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't make a penny off their baby's pictures.

John Goodman and Roseanne are returning to TV together.

Gabrielle Union's weave got her a little extra attention from the TSA.

OMG, you guys! Scarlett Johansson is just like us - SHE HAS CELLULITE!

Robin Wright has moved on from Sean Penn.

Nic Cage is not a vampire. He thinks.

Jason Lee's wife is expecting their third baby.

If this story is true, Matt Lauer's paycheck makes me insanely jealous.

Not surprised Madonna's daughter did this.

Here's what the stars wore to the Grammy's. And if you only want to see the worst dressed, click here.

Rest in peace Whitney Houston.

Ten Things About Donald Glover

I did my first "Ten Things" of the year using Storify. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love you. Some of you not in that way (especially you strangers who have stumbled onto this post). But those of you I actually know, I have some love in my heart for you. So let's see how well you know me. See if you can spot the card I chose just for you! xo

Week In Pop Culture

Let's start by acknowledging the beauty that is Christie Brinkley.

Bruce Willis's wife is really pregnant.

Rita Wilson is recording an album.

Marla Sokoloff has a new baby girl.

Ice-T's wife is not being appropriate with her nephew.

Ryan Murphy is already working on ANOTHER TV show!

Naomi Watts as Princess Diana?

Matthew McConaughey's baby mama is showing off her engagement ring.

Halle Berry is engaged?

Some of the stars wore some strange things to the AmfAR gala.

Parminder Nagra is getting divorced.

Naomi Campbell still has that modeling thing down.

I mostly dig President Obama's playlist.

REALLY, Kris Jenner?

Marissa Tomei's real life has some crazy history.

Oh, how I love Adele.

Courtney Cox is sharing too much.

Jim Carrey on 30 Rock. Hmmm.

Here's a movie I might have watched 10 years ago.

Lindsay Lohan looks like she's old enough to be her mom.

Natalie Portman is getting back to work.

Elizabeth Taylor's art is being auctioned off.

Ray Romano says his wife beat breast cancer.

Mandy Moore may get an ABC series.

Russell Brand doesn't want all of Katy Perry's money.

Missy Elliott and Timbaland are coming out with new music this summer.

Jessica Lange is returning to American Horror Story.

Beyonce's bump is long gone!

Robert Downey, Jr., has a new baby boy.

It does not sound like things are going well at Rosie O'Donnell's talk show.

Sean Kingston is the latest celebrity on the IRS no-pay list.

Randy Travis was arrested.

Here's a whole new side of Viola Davis.

Jessica Simpson should put these away.

I'm thankful Madonna kept her arms covered up at the Super Bowl.

Demi Moore may be in rehab.

Suzanne Somers has new boobs.

The Grammy's sound like a buncha bullies.

There's a delay in that new Bridget Jones movie.

Willow Smith apparently whipped her hair back, forth, then right off her head.

Whitney Houston. Ouch.

Reese Witherspoon's new bangs are not just a fashion statement.

I do no support a reboot of The Munsters.

Rest in peace Ben Gazzara.

Week In Pop Culture

Maya Rudolph has a crazy connection to that severed head at the Hollywood sign.

I don't think Nicki Minaj's backstage requests are that strange.

This is a long way off from a silent movie.

Olivia Wilde says divorce is good for a young actress.

Britney Spears's ex-husband wants to act.

If you have a few million, you can buy the place Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johnansson used to call home.

Marc Cherry's new show sounds lame.

Octavia Spencer is more like the rest of us than we thought.

A kid from Home Improvement is in trouble.

Gwyneth Paltrow is still saying things that make me not want to be her friend.

Those are some big bikini bottoms, Naomi Watts.

Daniel Radcliffe is sharing too much.

Britain said "no thanks" to Rachel Weisz's L'oreal ad.

Journey says they don't need to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Natalie Portman is going to be on TV.

This news makes me want to watch the Grammys.

Everything about this proposed movie sounds bad.

I bet Justin Bieber hopes his girlfriend learns a few things from this magazine (because she's going to read a magazine for which she's the cover model, right?).

I wish I had enough cash to buy Selma Blair's home.

One SNL cast member has jumped ship.

Sandra Bullock might have a new man.

You guys, Reba McEntire is NOT dead!

Here's why Alec Baldwin is a little slimmer these days.

This story about a soap actor is really sad.

Let's all send Zoe Saldana a sandwich!

Elisabetta Canalis is a LONG way from George Clooney.

I'm already on board with Mindy Kaling's new TV show.

Kristen Bell received a strange birthday present.

Miley Cyrus should probably find a job soon.

Seriously, Kim Kardashian. Enough.

Houston is sure proud of Beyonce!

Oh, LeAnn Rimes! When proving to the public that you actually do eat, this is not the best choice.

I cannot believe this guy gave Denzel Washington his first black eye.

It may be a while before we see Michelle Williams in another movie.

Shirely MacLaine is joining the Downton Abbey cast. Maybe I should surrender to that now?

There are big changes coming to X Factor.

Diane Keaton is still stylish.

Celine Dion has some great legs but I'm pretty sure her fans can see up her dress.

Click here for a gross story about Christina Aguilera AND to hear her murder Etta James's At Last. Seriously, Christina. That song was awesome because Etta didn't screech the heck out of it.

Here's what the stars wore to the SAG awards. Here's who won what.

One of the ladies from 30 Rock is engaged.

Nic Cage can be funny.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie won't let their kids Google them.

I can't imagine Barack Obama is going to sing on American Idol.

Kellie Pickler had to give up her cat.

Jean Paul Gaultier probably shouldn't have had his runway models look like Amy Winehouse.

The more I hear about Demi Moore, the sadder I am for her.

Sarah Jessica Parker has replaced Demi in a movie.

Rest in peace, Ian Abercrombie.

And Don Cornelius.

Happy Groundhog Day!

I don't know how winter's going where you are, but here I'm pretty tired of it being either too cool for the air conditioner or too warm for the heater. My house is mostly stuffy (like my head these days). Anywho... It's Groundhog Day! I hope you can figure out which one of these cards I chose for you. xoxo

TRUTH: It doesn't matter if the little furry beast sees his shadow or not. I'll blame every single weather person I know for the weather I don't like. I will stop short of punching them. I hope.

February Movies

It's February! Here's my snap judgement of movies out this month. As usual, I'm starting with the movies I am interested in seeing. SPOILER ALERT: It looks like I'll have plenty of time to get caught up on the Oscar faves I haven't seen yet!

Undefeated

Slim pickins' this month, but this football documentary might help me get over my Friday Night Lights withdrawal.

Act of Valor

I'm not making plans to see this one in the theater. However, I do like these kinds of movies because I like feeling like I'm going to pass out from holding my breath out of fear one gasp could get the heroes caught.

Here's what I'll skip:

• Safe House - I feel like I've seen this before when it was called Training Day.
• The Vow - This one also feels like deja vu. Like, The Notebook.
• Journey 2 - Two reasons I won't see this: The Rock; I've seen glimpses of the one with Brendan Fraser and it was super bad (not in a good way).
• Rampart - Oh, this one also looks like Training Day only with Woody Harrelson.
• Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance - I've given up on Nic Cage.
• This Means War - Oh, Reese Witherspoon. I adore you. You're a talented actress. Why can't you pick better movies?
• The Secret World of Arriety - Not my kind of animated flick.
• Thin Ice - This is the kind of movie actors make for the paycheck. Or because they had a weekend to kill.
• Wanderlust - I love Paul Rudd but I really wish Hollywood would quit trying to convince me Jen Aniston is funny. I'm not falling for that trick anymore.
• Good Deeds - I wouldn't see a Tyler Perry movie if Tyler Perry made a movie called "Tyler Perry Presents: Nicole Goes To A Tyler Perry Movie And Yells At The Screen."
• Gone - How is this movie not made just for MTV?