It's Halloween To The Rest of You

Yes, my dog in his silly costume is pretty much the only way I observe Halloween. It accomplishes two things:

1. I show as much Halloween spirit as possible (minus the gorging of candy corn to the point of vomiting).
2. I remind the dog who's REALLY in charge.

For those of you who are adults who still go all out for this event - with or without children in tow - these are for you. Boo!

Happy Hallowiener!

Look Out For Ghosts

It's a Pac Man cloud!

Oh, Yeah. THAT Happens.

I accept the fact that I'm aging - some days not-so-gracefully. One thing I'm learning is that our mothers don't always tell us things that are going to happen to us. There have been more than a few times that something has happened to me and when I've told my mom, she's said, "Oh, yeah. That happens."

Now, I'm turning to those "Real" Housewives (who, with the exception of some of those Miami ladies, are mostly older than me). I'm not saying that I want to be Botoxed and pulled so that everything is so tight that when I blink it's an event. I'm not saying that I want to wear so much makeup that I look 20 years older (seriously, ladies, you should watch your show more often). I'm saying that I question aging and what it does to us not just on the outside, but also on the inside.

One non-sexy thing the famous ladies have been talking about is their bladders and their lack of control over them. 





I'm guessing this is not just a famous lady problem. But now, these ladies are letting us all know what's happening underneath their designer duds. And I seriously worry about Kirstie Alley on "Dancing With The Stars." There could be a REALLY unfortunate wardrobe malfunction if she forgot her adult pee protector! And at her age! It could be worse than when Marie Osmond passed out!

I don't know if I should thank these ladies for letting me know that it's possible I may start peeing my pants when I get older or if I should be afraid for the day my bladder becomes the boss of me. Do those things have an expiration date? Maybe I should buy them now just in case. I don't want to have a conversation with my mom only to have her say, "Oh, yeah. That happens."

Unhappy Rain Walk

It was chilly. It was thundery. It was wet. All things this guy hates.

I Did It!

I always vote early. I just don't like waiting until Election Day. What if something happens and I can't get to my precinct? Every time I've voted, I've never had to stand in a long line. Until this time.

The line at my usual place stretched to the parking lot. I was surrounded by mostly old people who wondered why there weren't places for them to sit and wait. At first, I didn't see the need for that. Forty-five minutes later, I understood. That's a long time to stand if you're elderly and your regular activity is chain smoking (that's what I assume from what I was smelling).

Once I finally got to my voting machine, I started the clock. I wasn't going to take on the longest ballot in county history without knowing exactly how long it to me to click my way through each screen! Just under five minutes later, I was out the door with my sticker!

Sure, it was 50 minutes out of my day. But it's important!

My trip to the polls in pictures

Oh. I also saw this.

I don't know what you call it, but the potential to spy that should be on your list of reasons to head to the polls!

Used Book Adventure

I recently cleared out a bookshelf to paint it. I went through books that hadn't been touched since I read them the first time. These books, I decided, wouldn't be missed.

I boxed them up and headed to Half Price Books to sell them. While I waited for the book guy to tell me how I was going to be ripped off compensated, I wandered the store. I found this book I had wanted to read for a while.

It was just $6.99! I figured I would earn more than enough from the 20-odd books I was selling to cover this with tax. And I did. Barely. My take was less than $9. The only other options I had were to just abandon the books, peddle them for pennies at a yard sale or take them home to collect dust on a shelf. I cashed out, swapping the books I didn't want to read again for one that was new to me.

Because I had a few other books to read on my nightstand, it took about two months for me to get to it. Then, when I opened it, I found this:

That's a picture of an Iraq War memorial. Random. Some kind of place holder? I started reading. My phone rang. I reached for it and this slipped out.

A coupon that expired in 2005. Had this book been on the shelf THAT long? Was the last reader a coupon hoarder? Now, I had to know if there were more scraps in the book. I held my place with one hand, then gave the book a gentle shake.

It looks like someone was keeping tabs of how many pages he/she read. It's like how book nerds must have done things before sites like Goodreads came along!

I almost feel like I have a responsibility to hold on to these things, add something of my own, then re-sell the book so someone else can have this experience. I always thought of a book being a journey. This is the first time one has taken me somewhere before I've finished a chapter. Where else will it take me?

LOOK AT ME!

It's been a while since I've shared the silly license plates spotted on the roads. So let's get right to it!

This one might be a tad hard to read, but the butt of this pickup reads "SAMANU."

I can only assume the driver is a Spurs fan who has some sort of crush on Manu Ginobili.

Or the driver wants other Spurs fans to think that's Manu's truck. I'm pretty sure that in all the car ads I've seen him in he's never pimped GMC or pickups. Suckers.

Just honk and wave if you like the team/player. If you don't, you can wave something else as you pass this truck.

"PORVIDA?" Really?

Your "for life" plate comes attached to a taxi yellow Porsche?

What kind of colorblind mid-life crisis is this guy having? Even though I can't see the driver, I'd bet my cat AND dog that the person behind the wheel is a dude pretending he doesn't have a receding hairline.

Seriously, dudeoldenoughtobemydad, put that away. You're creeping me out.

This car probably belongs to someone who either sits courtside at NBA games or has one of those fancy boxes with the waiter and the free-flowing cocktails. You know, too good for beer out of a plastic cup.

But number four? That must have been such a let down at the license plate window.

Also, I can see your unoriginality from here.

Loser.

This guy totally thinks we're all dumb.

"BATMBLE."

Now, I have seen enough Batman movies to know the actual Batmobile is a million times cooler than that.

Just because your car is black and sleek doesn't mean you share the same ride as a superhero. I know this because I'm fairly certain Batman is not real (and by default, the Batmobile is just for movies and not actual street driving - otherwise super rich douchebags would be cruising the streets in one of these and last time I checked Justin Bieber wasn't rolling in one).

I do give this driver credit for snagging the black plate with "BATMBLE" on it. Apparently, all other wannabesuperheroes are too slow to grab that one. I just wish I knew what this driver looked like. I mean, if he's wearing a bat suit, it would make my day! Also, I've never seen an actual crazy person driving so it'd be like a double point score on my crazy game board!

Make Believe Conversations

I often find myself having a conversation with someone who is real but not with me.

Crazy?

Sure.

But I feel better after I've imaginarily talked myself through an issue with someone. I'd have a real conversation, but people like James Carville and Kim Jong-Un won't give me their phone numbers.

So, when I was flipping through Vanity Fair, I was excited when I came across this:

You'll have to click the image to see a larger version of it - and it's worth it (though some of you might not like the language). Just two dudes having a little conversation about food. Which is really funny if you read the fake Kim Jong-Un's tweets.

That little fake exchange made me happy! I was already pleasantly surprised by this story of a man who was born in India, managed to wind up far from home, was adopted by Australians, moved there, then decided to go back to his home to find out if  his mother ever looked for him. Seriously, friends, you should read that story.

Now, I just look forward to getting the Daniel Craig interview (because he's my favorite Bond)!

What else could this magazine have in store? I don't know but it's already been fun reading!

Fall Garden

I don't have much growing in my backyard this season. My rosemary, basil and jalapeño plants all survived summer.

I've had a pepper here and there. Until now.

There's a pepper explosion on my plant right now! I have to figure out what I'm going to do with these. I might just cut them up and add them to a jar of other peppers I've pickled.

I'm just happy I still have anything growing!

It's Suck Up Day!

You suck ups know what I'm talking about. It's "Boss's Day." REALLY? Because I'm pretty sure bosses thing EVERY day is their day. Here's my proof:

• They set meeting times.
• They can get you to drop everything - or else.
• They make sure you get paid.

Still, if you need to celebrate your boss (because you're a suck up), consider one of these e-cards:

And this is actually something I tell my boss every now and then:

The Earth is Round, Y'all!

Can you imagine if Christopher Columbus had been wrong about that? I mean, he's not, right? Because all those pretty pictures of the planet from space show it round. Unless that's all some sort of government conspiracy...then, ohmyGodwhatareyoudoingonthisblogwhentherearerealsitesdocumentingthis?

Non-conspiracy theorists, enjoy this little holiday and these e-cards.

Currently The Worst: Text Spammers

I am so old I remember when text messages were something you got from a friend on a phone that flipped open and you had to press the numbers on the keypad sometimes three times to get one letter. SIDE NOTE: will someone look up whether I can get into the Guinness Book of World Records for "longest sentence ever?"

Age aside, I have now accepted that sometimes a text message can come from someone I don't actually know. I get Amber Alerts (because I REALLY want to spot a kidnapper's car possibly so I can say, "Hey, jerk face! Your car and its license plate are all over the highway signs. Since you wanted to go to jail so badly, I'm making a citizens arrest. Don't move or I'll shoot you with antibacterial gel!"). I get texts from people running for president (always disappointing because they rarely invite me to hang out or go to a movie - at least not without a campaign contribution). Those, I don't mind so much.

Text spammers, however, are most likely the devil's helpers. I went online and found my carrier advising people to reply with "block." Sometimes that seems to do the trick.

Sometimes, these jerks just change their number (and I'm not falling for the banana in the tailpipe).

It's quite possible my lady hormones were behind that response. In hindsight, I don't take it back. Not because I haven't learned to be a little ashamed of my potty mouth, but because it seems to have stopped that particular spamdouche.

While I'm at it, let me do a bit of a public service. If you get one of these texts, don't call the number. You should contact me. I will take your personal information and protect it in my Nigerian bank account.

You're welcome.

PS - If you don't like my tactic, here's what the FCC recommends.

Afternoon Rain

One of these days, I'm going to play in puddles!