Sunday, February 24, 2013

It's Oscar Night, Y'all!

While Seth MacFarlane puts the finishing touches on his voices, jokes and song for tonight's Academy Awards, I am preparing two things: my Oscar picks and my official drinking game rules. First, my picks.

BEST PICTURE: ARGO
Of the nine nominated films in this category, this one gets my totally irrelevant vote. Sure, some of the other films might be better or more popular or more controversial or lesser known - all fine reasons to support them. But, dammit, it was the icing on my "I forgive you, Ben Affleck, for the JLo years" cake. And the fact that Ben wasn't even nominated for Best Director makes me so angry, I want this movie to win the category.

Was this film perfect? No. But I cannot believe that guy who played O'Bannion in Dazed and Confused is this damn good.

BEST ACTOR: DANIEL DAY-LEWIS
I could have shown you any picture of Daniel Day-Lewis's bearded face while making my argument, but instead, I'm using this picture of him walking away. Why? Because when he walked around as Lincoln, it was as if - like ol' Honest Abe - he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I didn't feel like I was watching a movie (except when I was giggling at some of the lighter moments). I felt like I was a witness to history. Unlike the pace of some movies, it seemed like Daniel just went for it. He spoke quickly when necessary. He slowed down when necessary. He was quiet. He was strong. He was scared. He was incredible. I know this pick doesn't exactly surprise most movie watchers. If Bradley Cooper's trip to crazytown in Silver Linings Playbook wins, I'll be angry. Not because Daniel is better, but because Bradley plays the guy with wild eyes who shouts and cries and dabbles in douchebaggery ALL the time. Besides, if Ben's JLo punishment was about 10 years, I think Bradley should have to wait that long for doing whatever he did even if it was just one night with her.


BEST ACTRESS: JESSICA CHASTAIN
I think Jessica should win. I think The Academy will give the award to Jennifer Lawrence.

Jessica was strong and vulnerable and kinda scary through the course of this movie. I admit, the torture scenes were really hard to watch. The terror attacks were really hard to watch. I know they took a few liberties to turn this true story into a movie, but it was well done. There are brave men and women who do the hard work that leads to the tough decisions. How often does a woman get to play a character like this? Almost never - especially when it's a good, true story like this. That's why I think Jessica deserves to win.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: ROBERT DENIRO
I know that I have so far refused to give credit to anyone associated with SLP, but I'm doing that here. I've been a little disappointed with older actors lately. They tend to take roles where they're spoofs of people in their age group. That is not the case here.

DeNiro is tough. He's funny. He's fragile. And he's normal (well, as normal as a guy who's played killers a kajillion times could be). I choose him above Alan Arkin (Argo) and Tommy Lee Jones (Lincoln) because I can't remember seeing DeNiro playing a REAL person. There was no obvious set up for a punny joke. It was legit. Just take a look at the clothes he wore in this movie. You think this is a guy who wears a team sweater or jersey on the regular? Nope. Winner.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: ANNE HATHAWAY
Not a surprise here. I'm not 100% sure, but I think when Alicia Keys sings, "This girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire," she's talking about Anne. The girl practically lost all her hair, shrunk down to bones, appeared to give up bathing and sang her heart out. I didn't see Les Miserables, but I saw two of the other performances and looked up the other two ladies. It does not appear they sacrificed nearly as much for their roles. It's possible they gave up something before turning up on their respective sets, but have you Googled Anne in this movie? There are so many pictures of her doing the ugly cry. THAT is Oscar gold. Look it up.

BEST DIRECTOR: STEVEN SPIELBERG
He's just brilliant. So many directors would have filled Lincoln with action, jokes or sound that it would have been a distraction. Spielberg lets it breathe. I have no doubt that he took one look at Daniel as Lincoln and realized he was just along for the ride and for God's sake don't get in his way or this movie will go straight hell fast.

Now to the drinking game... The rules are simple.
  1. Drink when the host mentions or gestures to Jack Nicholson (not a gimme since he was absent last year).
  2. If a host, presenter or winner curses, read their lips, shout the curse word, then drink.
  3. Drink when a winner thanks his/her mom.
  4. Drink when a winner thanks God.
  5. Drink if you see a wardrobe malfunction (and this does not include a gorgeous celebrity in a bad dress - think nipple).
  6. Drink when the accountants take the stage. Consider it a break from having to closely monitor the show.
  7. Drink when the winner is cut off by the music.
  8. Drink when someone I did not pick to win gets the statue.
You can also add any of these rules (lush).

If you have to drive, PLEASE don't play this game. That would be terribly dangerous and I don't want your family to sue me when you kill yourself. Also, I'm not in the bail bonding business so don't call me and expect me to get you out of jail. Dummy.
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