For The Special Wino In Your Life

I was doing a little shopping on Amazon this morning and found a few things that made me think some of you aren't ready for wine and one thing that made me think some of you should probably give it up.

Take a look at this corkscrew.

I don't think perky begins to describe what's happening here. I just realized the little mouse hand is pointing right at his corkscrew. Sorry.

It doesn't look like you could store this in a drawer unless it was pretty deep. Congratulations, Sir Perky. If you were worried that he might get lonely on your countertop, rest easy.

He has a friend who works as a bottle stopper.

Cute. Just what everyone wants: a fake wiener in their wine. It IS fake, right? That's not the world's smallest person who comes to life when the wine bottle shows up, is it???

What do you do with these two when you're not wining it up? They might get sad and that would be a terribly sad sight. Maybe you shouldn't buy these unless you want to become a professional wine drinker/alcoholic.

If I see you wearing this, I am totally judging you.

I am one of the clumsiest people you may never meet. However, even I don't need something this silly. This idea works fine with glasses, maybe a pen (but if you're wearing a pen on a string you look like you are really new to pens).

This doesn't seem that helpful. Instead of dropping your wine, you'll have to figure out how to walk without sloshing wine all over your chest. Don't tell me you're not supposed to fill up the glass. That's just silly. They wouldn't make wine glasses that size if you were only supposed to put a splash of wine in it. You might as well just drink it out of a shot glass. And THAT would be almost as crazy as trying to put your wine glass in this and use it.

I'm not slighting the fine people who invented them. I'm just wondering who buys these things. I didn't. I was after something WAY more sophisticated. These. But don't tell anyone. I bought them as a gift.

PS - ABC's Shark Tank, I am available to give critiques but not buy into some of the silly pitches made on your show. Call me!