Sunday, March 24, 2013

So We're Doing Jorts Again?

I was cruising Pinterest this weekend and spied a trend that I thought we were over.

JORTS.

And they're not just plain ol' denim shorts. They're the kind that could do more than provide a break from the heat. Here are a few that made me gasp.

The Lacy Jorts
These look like you're wearing old lady lace bloomers and they're trying to escape.

The whole doily thing is just hard to get past. It's VERY grandma-influenced (if grandma would allow you to leave the house in shorts that short). It also seems like you'd start to feel something was trying to crawl into your shorts every time that lace business would touch your legs. And when you say, "I thought something was crawling on my leg" when there's clearly nothing there, people will probably ask if you've taken your medication.

While this picture shows off a nice booty, I get the feeling these shorts would just invite camel toe. NOBODY needs to see that!

The Escaping Pockets

How do you know your shorts are too short? When your pockets look like they're trying to make a run from them.

That's not even a joke. Think of what this will look like if you have to put something in your pockets. They'd turn into some sort of lumpy bag. Not exactly what you want at the top of your thighs - even if you have legs like this girl.

Your Mom's Look From The 80s
For those of you who haven't gone back to look at pictures of your mom from the 80s (or those of you who wore these in the 80s and hoped you'd never see these again), you might remember the SNL "Mom Jeans" skit. Who knew in 2013 people would demand a long wide backside?

This Madonna-esque bustier (which is totally not practical unless you're wearing this outfit as a costume - even then, you should be prepared for a wardrobe malfunction) with the incredible high waisted and super short shorts looks like a bathing suit gone wrong. I didn't see a back picture, but just looking at the front, it appears that there's a butt cheek situation happening here. And if you dare to wear these in public, just know that if you drop something, don't bend at the waist unless you want to show the world what your gynecologist sees each year.

The Working Girl's Look From The 80s
It's not that I can't support the oldest profession, it's that shorts cut the same way as full-coverage underwear are a horrible idea.

And the fringe? Who is THAT fooling? It's not minimizing the large butt. It's not maximizing the small butt. It's almost like the shorts are saying, "You REALLY need more material so we'll try to grow as fast as we can to get there."

Side note: I'm now wondering if all clothing talks or it's just the strange things I see online?


Insulting The American Flag
When Betsy Ross sewed the first flag, I am almost certain this was NOT what she had in mind. (and, no, I was not around when she did it so this is not first-hand knowledge).

This girl is really cute in her tiny shorts, but should you really be sitting on USA? Should stars and stripes really be sprouting from your genitals? Seems awfully unpatriotic.

Oh, and you should also know that if you try to do this yourself, this is a better representation of what you'll look like.
I admire this lady's non-shy and regular girl (dimply) legs (though I did notice you don't see her face). Still this doesn't even look comfortable. And it looks VERY camel toe-friendly.

Just because you're crafty, you don't have to tackle these looks. Really. You can toss out the old jeans or try some of these other uses for them. But please, for the love of God, don't do these in public unless you'll agree right now to let me post a picture of you when I spy you in public. I'll do it anyway, but you should just know that it'll happen.

I love Pinterest, but these looks make me think it's a big prank. This is why I use it mostly for saving pictures of cute animals and recipes and spying looks like these that leave me saying, "Um, whaaaaaat?!?!?"
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