Broken BAD

Putting aside all the things I should/could be doing this weekend, I've chosen to watch the Breaking Bad marathon.

Even though I watched this show from the very beginning (I wasn't late to the game like so many of you because I win at choosing TV shows), I couldn't resist the chance to watch the whole series in its entirety. I might have missed a few shows due to sleep and pancakes and such, but I haven't changed the channel while the show has been on.

But that's REALLY hard to do at times.

Not because I've seen these episodes before, but because of the same commercials that keep playing over and over and over.

1. HEB keeps running an ad showing a post-delivery Santa enjoying a bit of time off. Then it mentions blackberries for less than a dollar. EVERY time I see it, I think, "Wow! Those crappy phones are super cheap!" Then I realize they're literally talking about berries that are black (NOTE: I don't measure my berries by color, I judge them by sweetness because I'm not racist).
2. There's a promo for a New Year's Eve/Day marathon of The Walking Dead. I love this show, but the promo makes me all shouty. Why? Because it starts with one of my writing peeves: "The year may be almost over..." NO! It IS! There's no MAY BE about it! And since this marathon is actually running on the last day of 2013 and the first day of 2014, I think that makes the scheduling official. 
3. I love pets. A LOT. I have a cat and a dog and they're both rescues. But every single time those ASPCA ads play, I can't help but reach for the remote/walk out of the room/find my happy place to avoid those spots. I mean, the sad music, the slow pictures of dogs and cats that have been neglected/abused/abandoned - it's just too much! I'm watching a show about a teacher and his flunkie student who make meth and kill people who get in their way. I'm clearly not in a place where I want to see animals these two would probably run over if they saw them in the street.
4. And on that note, there are a couple of different charities trying to get viewers to donate to feed the children or buy drugs to make them healthy. How about they save those ads for more appropriate shows?
5. Dating site commercials are on my list. It wasn't until the other day when I saw a commercial on a totally different channel for Black People Meet that I realized these dating sites only show white people looking for love online. I'm now officially tired of seeing white (allegedly) single people talking about how they want to find someone nice (liars). I actually prefer the ads I see late at night on Comedy Central where girls say they're looking for sugar daddies or hookups. At least they're honest.

But I did get to take a bit of time out of watching the marathon to make this:

So there's that.

2013: The Twelfth Day of Christmas

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love sparkly things! I haven't always been this way, but in the last few years if it doesn't sparkle, it has to work REALLY hard to make me want it. It's like I've been addicted to glitter bombing (and I don't even own a glitter cannon - YET)! So this last gift is something that would win be over for years to come.

For $1.85 million, I won't just get a magnificent 25-carat rough cut diamond, I get an adventure (for two, of course)!

This is part of the Forevermark Ultimate Diamond Experience.

The fun starts in London.

Once there, you'll receive your exceptional diamond in its rough and uncut form, name your diamond, learn about the unique inscription it will receive, and meet the master craftsman who will hand-cut and polish it to perfection. 

A private tour of The Crown Jewels and dinner with De Beers CEO Philippe Mellier and Forevermark CEO Stephen Lussier in the Tower of London follow. Your journey continues on a vessel off Namibia's coast, where your diamond was discovered deep within the ocean floor. You'll then explore rough-diamond sorting houses and a children's community project, where the local population benefits from Forevermark's responsible sourcing of diamonds.

Then, it's off to New York to create a setting for that fabulous diamond!

Oh, please SOMEONE buy this for me! It will be the best something sparkly I've ever encountered! LIFE CHANGING!

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2013: The Eleventh Day of Christmas

I love movies so much it's a little crazy. I might even love them more than TV (with a few exceptions). I just don't have as much time for movies. But I could change that if you bought me this.

It's the Ultimate Outdoor Entertainment System!

That's a 201 inch C SEED waterproof screen. It's $1.5 million (with $10,000 going to charity), but it's not like they just drop this off at your house and run (like my usual deliveries).

A true audio- and video-phile's dream, the system includes technologically advanced speakers, subwoofers, and amplifiers that project unparalleled sound, a DirecTV® satellite and DVD management system, and a built-in movie package featuring up to 300 movies and concerts (The American Film Institute's 100 Most Thrilling American Films and 100 Greatest Love Stories, the remaining 100 are your choice). Oh, and that never-ending argument over who controls the remote? Not an issue—two Apple® mini iPads™ serve as the remotes; one for him and one for her. The entire system is delivered at your doorstep and includes installation and programming.

I'll even let you pick at least 50 of those additional movies! See? It's a gift we can both enjoy!

I do need one more thing: this yard. Mine probably isn't big enough for this. Maybe I can just put it in the living room and open the windows to pretend like I'm outside? At least that would keep the bugs away!

I'll start the popcorn!

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2013: The Tenth Day of Christmas

It's not even a secret, but I really wish I could be James Bond. Not a dude, but fearless. I think this would be a big step for me.

That's the 2014 Aston Martin Vanquish Volante.

Just a car to some of you. But it's one of only 10 made. And if you've ever seen a Bond movie, this is THE car he drives (and usually crashes so terribly I cry a little on the inside every time). It's not just pretty. I think some might say it's pretty fantastic.

Handbuilt in Gaydon, England, your Vanquish Volante sports a 100% carbon fiber shell—the first ever in Aston Martin's history—allowing for a much lighter car with greater torsional and structural rigidity, while enhancing safety, performance, and handling. A new, naturally aspirated 6.0-liter, V-12 engine produces some 565 horsepower and is tuned to deliver 457 pound-feet of torque, available and accessible throughout the rev range to deliver an enhanced performance feel. The engine sends the drive strictly to the rear wheels via a six-speed Touchtronic 2 automatic transmission, making acceleration smooth, steady, and, above all, responsive. 

Now I don't pretend to understand all of that. I know that it is fast. I know that I will get a ticket when I drive it. I know there is a passenger seat so you could go for a ride with me. Heck, if you're spending $344,500 on me, I'll let you drive it! Bonus: a portion of the sale goes to charity.

Let's take a really fast road trip (without one of those Bond endings)!

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2013: The Ninth Day of Christmas

Danger is NOT my middle name. However, your super kind ($750,000) gift could make me reconsider.

I'm not saying I would ride this Indian Larry's "Wild Child" motorcycle, but I'd at the very least stand next to it, maybe even sit on it (carefully). I wouldn't dare take it out for a spin because I haven't taken a spin on a bicycle in years, so this could end terribly for me and - some might say - the bike.

I could take a picture on this and photoshop myself on an open highway so people would think I'm a major badass! If you present me with the proper credentials, I might let you take it out for a ride. Just don't go too fast! This bike is worth more than my house!

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2013: The Eighth Day of Christmas

I never knew I needed to be a master falconer until today.

THIS BIRD IS DRESSED LIKE AN AVIATOR!!!

This $150,000 gift is not just a chance to get up close to birds that are clearly too cool for the flock. We'd get this:

That trunk is loaded with canvas chairs, a table, those bird perches and this:

BOOZE AND CIGARS!!!

Looking at this video of a pretty blonde girl, it appears to be supremely cool to walk with giant birds! So, let's do this!

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2013: The Seventh Day of Christmas

I can appreciate a gorgeous home. This is one of them.

The Glass House is in New Canaan, Connecticut. I would definitely NOT throw stones at it! I wouldn't get to keep this house forever, but this is a $30,000 gift we could share!

The Glass House and its bucolic surroundings are yours to explore upon arrival. Get up-close-and-personal access to the life and style of one of the twentieth century's most revered visionaries as you wander among the 14 architectural structures, study his world-class modern painting and sculpture collection, visit the private library, and stroll through the 49 acres of landscaped grounds.
As evening descends, your dinner guests begin to arrive. Up to ten of your nearest and dearest will join you at Philip Johnson's table for a locally sourced, multicourse culinary experience.
The meal comes to a close, you bid adieu to your guests, and retire to the bedroom with a perfect view of the surrounding forest and the manifestation of Philip Johnson's most beautiful dream.

So can we go? CAN WE? PLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSSE?

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2013: The Sixth Day of Christmas

TRUE STORY: I have lived in my house for six years and have two pieces of art on the walls. That's why I could really use this.

Venus Rising by Jeff Koons.

I keep staring at this trying to figure out what the heck she's doing. You guys, this might be the thing that could break my TV habit!!!

It's an ode to Dom Perignon's Rose vintage 2003. I wish this came with at least one bottle! With a $20,000 price tag, they could at least throw in a little bit of bubbly!!!

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2013: The Fifth Day of Christmas

As a girl who has only recently come around to the idea that gyms are just places where other people go, I appreciate any bit of activity that can keep me out of the place where guys try to lift more weight than they should, then grunt like they're about to give birth. That's why this little item from the Neiman Marcus fantasy catalog kind of excites me.

This circle-y thing is the coolest looking stationary bike I've ever seen! It's called a Ciclotte.

Approaching the machine, you admire its sleek, sculptural appearance. The large wheel is a nod to the unicycles of the late 1800s, but that's where the design-reminiscing ends. Void of the superfluous bells and whistles that characterize most of today's gym equipment, this piece is a study in the power—and beauty—of simplicity. Good looks aside, its dynamic design is rivaled only by its effortless performance.
Sitting astride your cycle, you adjust the angle of the carbon-fiber handles, choose from one of 12 levels of resistance, engage the pedals, and ride, ride, ride your way to a fitter, healthier you. 

I've always wanted to ride a unicycle, but my lack of coordination would probably lead to death. This is a good runner-up. And it has "effortless performance" which probably means I could learn to juggle while peddling (like circus training) and burn, like, a million calories in 10 minutes. NOTE: If this is not what you Neiman Marcus people mean, you should be more clear in your descriptions.

What's better than all that? $1,000 from the sale of these $11,000 bikes goes to charity. DOUBLE WIN!

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2013: The Fourth Day of Christmas

Do I need another bag? No. But there's a good reason this one made the wish book (and my ridiculous wish list).

Look at it!

This Valentino tote is made of napa leather, which looks like I could take a nap on it - piping dents in my face be damned!

At just under $5,000, this is no ordinary bag. It's a lifestyle. For a lifetime. Tote-ally worth the fancy price tag. And I'd be buried with it, so don't go thinking you can gift it and take it back if something terrible happens to me.

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2013: The Third Day of Christmas

My love for sparkling things has taken a VERY expensive turn.

This David Yurman bracelet is 18-karat gold with 0.73 total carats of Pave diamonds!

Are ya sitting down? The price tag on this one is $19,500. And I'm worth every penny, carat and karat!

Now, I don't usually wear bracelets, but I would start with this one!

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2013: The Second Day of Christmas

I'm a girl who loves my sparkle! This gift is not just pretty, it's also practical.

These crystalized Tweezermans are just $100. The crystals are probably just bumpy enough to make it so that every pluck will make it uncomfortable for my fingers (preventing me from over-plucking). See? You could help me avoid a situation where I have plucked so much I have draw my eyebrows on with a Sharpie!

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My new favorite holiday tradition has become going through the Neiman Marcus holiday catalog to find the most ridiculous things I want (you know, in case a billionaire is reading this and wants to make it one VERY merry Christmas for this stranger). The Fantasy Catalog only has eight things, so I'm going to save those for later. For now, I bring to you the things I want from the regular catalog. Here's the first thing:

That's the Baby Quasar.

NEED. NOW. You want proof? YOU GOT IT!

Those forehead wrinkles have made me start to panic a little. I know they're not Grand Canyon caliber, but if I don't act soon, they could be! Then, they'll start taking the rest of my face with them because HOLY GRAVITY you can't fight it!

So why the Baby Quasar? Well, it's a good start! Baby steps! Here's their pitch:

50% stronger than the Baby Quasar PLUS, the Quasar MD PLUS brings you the next generation of innovation in skincare tools. Now including the most powerful wrinkle-reducing technology ever used before in the Quasar family, the Quasar MD PLUS is the perfect device to keep away those unwanted wrinkles. Improved over previous models, the Quasar MD PLUS is easier to use, more powerful, and now includes perioribital wrinkle reduction technology.

I'm in. BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

We know you lead a busy lifestyle, so why not use a product that will give you faster results and quicker treatment times? With a larger treatment head and more powerful technology, the Quasar MD PLUS allows you to dedicate your time to the things that really matter and look good while doing so.

SOLD! I mean bought for me by a kind person who thinks I'm worth $795 plus tax/shipping.

Turn Around Bright Eyes

Turn Around Bright Eyes: The Rituals of Love & Karaoke by Rob Sheffield

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


As a 30-something person who grew up with MTV (back when they played music videos and hadn't even started to dabble in reality TV), I am drawn to Rob Sheffield's books every single time. The titles that instantly get an 80s song stuck in my head are like magnets! And this one got me from the very beginning: "Once upon a time I was falling apart. Now I'm always falling in love." Can a book start any better than that?

This memoir woven with karaoke tales is about Rob's life as a widower and falling in love with his current wife. While I have not exactly been known to rock a microphone, I do want to rock - right now and always! When I wasn't thinking about song lyrics, there were statements like this that made me go, "Ohhhh yeeeeeaaaaaah!" (a la Yello)

"I am not an and suddenly person. I am a gradually, reluctantly and begrudgingly person...I distrust flashes of light or moments of clarity. Stealth is my jam and guile is my butter."

I get that. I don't always want to be chipper and nice (and I can be nice, dammit). This book isn't just about music. There is some advice in here that we can all use.

"You better watch what you sing, if you don't want to sing it for the rest of your life."

And this might be the most important tip anyone needs. "No man ever plans to turn into Rod Stewart. It just happens. <--- been="" br="" fellas="" warned="" you="">
Sometimes I forget how much a part of our pop culture karaoke has become. Can you imagine some of the best non-musical movie scenes that had a dash of silly/dramatic singing/lip-synching? Rob did.

"If 'Pretty in Pink' had been made a few years later, when he would have enjoyed access to karaoke equipment, Duckie wouldn't have to settle for lip-synching 'Try a Little Tenderness' in the record store for Molly Ringwald. He could have sung his own version." THE HORROR!!!

It's towards the end of the book when Rob writes that he has problems. I DO, TOO! I don't want to live in a world with people who don't respond to me saying a song lyric with singing or completing the song! It is such a simple thing that makes me happy (unless it's that stupid Proclaimers song which makes me punchy - DON'T EVEN START, PEOPLE)!

I'm so happy there are so many great and terrible songs from the 80s and 90s to give Rob inspiration. I hope the next book (and don't even tell me there isn't another one because I can't deal with that) includes more of my favorite songs disguising a few life lessons.



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