Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I Want A New Drug


Yes. I want a new drug. Maybe not one that makes me want to sing (trust me on that). But I want one that doesn't creep me out. Scratch that. I want a drug ad that doesn't make me yell at the TV. In case I haven't mentioned this, or you're new to my blog, I have TV Tourettes - I tend to shout things at the screen when people annoy me.

Let me give you a few examples. Maybe you've seen this lady:
She has wicked heartburn and she's on her first date with that guy. Now, I don't know if it's the fact that she's not wearing a bra or has a scarf on inside a restaurant or that the guy looks like George Hamilton's fair-skinned brother, but I see all kinds of things that don't look right here. I'd be more concerned about the heartburn than whether this date is going well. Is she? Nope. She, like a lady in a silly romantic comedy, seems to have worried so much about this date (I'll call him Mr. Pocket Scarf) is going to be the one. SPOILER ALERT: She takes the drug, he, in fact, is The One. Well, her Second One. Yep. At the end, she becomes Mrs. Pocket Scarf. Oh, and he's her SECOND husband.

The next ad also features ladies. This one has a group of "girlfriends" sitting around, first talking about how much they love a previous birth control commercial. Then, they talk about this particular brand and how great it is. Let me tell you something: WOMEN DO NOT LOVE THESE COMMERCIALS. I mean, I suppose there is some woman who loves it (surely they consulted women while making this ad). But I think that woman is the same one who gets excited about the feminine product ads. Freakshow. Stay away from her. Women may be faithful to their birth control, but unless one of our friends is having lady troubles, we are not sitting around at TV raving about the ads. We might make suggestions, but let's face it. It is just a monthly reminder that God is a man. I will believe that until there is a male birth control that guys will actually take. Wait. That might be an ad I'd watch.

This is the last ad I'll talk about.

Here's what bugs me about it: these people could be my parents. Now, I understand things happen when you get older (I am learning this first-hand every day). However, I refuse to acknowledge that my parents or your parents have sex. Ick. Put these ads on during shows that appeal to these people, not during my non-sensical sitcoms or during the news.

Now, I do give the drug companies credit. They tend to use nice music and show beautiful scenery. In fact, if not for the warnings that you could have a heart attack, stroke, diarrhea, nausea, sudden death, I might enjoy the ads if they played back to back on some channel. But please stop trying to speak to me like you're my friend. We're not. If we were friends, I'd get a box full of fun pills for Christmas wrapped in all that cash you're making. Until then, kindly knock it off.
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