More Bad Ideas

Have you ever thought, "I'd REALLY love to have a picnic, but there aren't any tables around?" Then you might not think this is such a bad idea.

Friends, strangers who are reading this - THESE ARE PICNIC PANTS!

I'll admit, they seem kind of practical here. But take a look at them when you're not having a meal served on your crotchal region:

They're like the ugly stepsister to Hammer Pants. I also think that silvery stretchy "table" part looks like a heat trap. Who wants to cook their privates? Oh, you do? Then you should buy these and send me a picture of you putting them to good use. I'll only judge for a few minutes. Really. I have issues with my short-term memory.

Here's another fashion misstatement.

Those dresses were really made to show off what the designer calls a "woman's best asset." It's definitely NOT something to wear to the office or any work-related functions - UNLESS your work involves some sort of prostitution. That seems like it's encouraged by the designer:

The idea behind, designee and create this sexy strings and sexy dresses was our endeavor to go against the preoccupation that exists for sex.

Oh. Now I get it. If you buy any of these dresses, PLEASE DO NOT send me a picture of you wearing it. And if you do buy one, wait until it's warm outside. Not to sound all grandmotherly, but you'll catch a cold and die. Or something.

Currently Reading

The Round House by Louise Erdrich

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Love, pain, revenge and friendship are the things that make a good crime-based novel good. In this case, a teenage boy takes them to a whole other level. I don't know much about life on a reservation, but I can't imagine one bit of this book not being possible. These characters have incredible bonds and share truths they seem capable of holding onto until death and longer. This book was wonderfully written!



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"Goonie" Sighting?

I only know of two Chunks - one is a candy bar, the other is a Goonie. Because I have a special place in my heart for Goonies, I was excited when I saw this:

Then, I was sad. Was he permanently hurt on one of his adventures and now cruises around in a minivan and needs special parking?

Once I decided to take a closer look, I zoomed past and saw it was a lady. Disappointing. Not my kind of Chunk.

Getting It Wrong

I saw this ad in a magazine recently.

If there IS a man in there, I doubt any amount of Old Spice would make him smell better. In fact, fellas, if you like all those funky smells, do the world a favor and DON'T try to make it go away with Old Spice - or any other scent. Treat yourself as if you have been sprayed by a skunk and strip your scent down to nothing. Like this guy:

Only then can our noses tolerate the man fragrance.

And then there are these:

Those are Ballroom Jeans.

They aren't made for dancing (though, judging by the ad, you could dance in them - apparently without injury). Because I don't have those man parts, I don't know why these seem to be a brilliant product. The only reason I use the word "brilliant' in this case is that guys I've shown this to have responded in a "Why didn't I think of that?" way. I didn't realize crouching lead to ouching before this!

They don't look very stylish, but I guess these are just for comfort. Like pajama jeans but for dudes?

Drawing The Line

I officially know it's the holiday season when I see this:

I sometimes wander the aisles of the grocery store, whispering to pumpkins, "You're not great, but you're still kind of cute." Yes, I know it's crazy, but I like it. 

Then, there's this:

Nothing says Turkey Day like a beagle carving a turkey for a bird!

I usually catch this one at least once:

This one is totally inappropriate, but one I giggle at at least once over the holidays:

WARNING: DO NOT PRESS PLAY UNLESS YOU CAN HANDLE OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE.

But I absolutely MUST draw the line with these spinoffs:

But I think this REALLY takes the cake:

Anyone who tells you "happiness is a warm blanket," is NOT your friend. Unless you're homeless. Then, this whole thing is just mean and sad.

I can only hope this new movie bound for the theaters (and not straight to TV or DVD like the latest round of Charlie Brown movies) makes up for those shady knockoffs!

Happy Thanksgiving!

The only thing better than turkey, the trimmings and pie (LOTS of pie) is a good laugh. If your family isn't funny, take a peek at these e-cards and giggle. Then, try to sneak in some of these one (and two) liners. I won't tell anyone that you didn't think of it first!

Case of The Mondays

Now that the clock says it's Tuesday, I can celebrate the end of a stupid Monday. Here's how it went:

9AM: Drove to Time Warner office to exchange DVR. The old one's hard drive was a liar. It claimed 4 hourlong shows were all it could handle. Tech support said the technical term was something along the lines of a fried hard drive. Learned they don't like their equipment called a liar. Could be why they said they didn't have any whole house DVRs and sent me to another location.

9:45AM: Pick up replacement DVR. Ask if I have to do anything other than plug it in. Employee says no.

10:25AM: Return home. Plug in new DVR. Realize I was lied to and have to program new remote. TV code works, can't get DVR to talk to anything.

10:50AM: Cursed at cat for attacking the only instructions I have - for the remote. Call tech support. I try to answer without saying, "What was that?" every time "Rob" gave instructions. He has me unplug video cables and I realize I'M stupid. I mixed up the blue and green cables. Then, Rob does some magic from his computer while talking me through programming the DVR with the remote.

11:30AM: Get ready for work (shower, lunch, "Boardwalk Empire").

2PM: Take first sip of peppermint mocha.

2:05PM: Discover mocha splash on white shirt. Use stain stick. Now have white stuff around stain. Rinsing doesn't make it better.

2:50PM: Discover two more mocha splashes. Inspection of lid finds hole and small pool of mocha. Think bad thoughts about Starbucks.

3:20PM: Try to turn my luck around by putting white shirt on backwards. Show coworkers I am magically stain-free.

7:10PM: Decision to eat anything with color was a bad one. Sauce from my Chinese food has dropped onto the back of my white shirt (which I proudly made the front of my shirt earlier).

10:55PM: Highway signs warn of closure. It's not on my route. Suddenly see arrow indicating a lane closure. Without warning, the highway goes from four lanes to one. Takes almost 10 minutes to clear this random/surprise construction zone.

11:20PM: Hear beeping. Walk under last smoke detector that had a dying battery and warn it by saying, "I WILL PUNCH YOU IF YOUR BATTERY DIED IN LESS THAN THREE MONTHS!" Lucky for it, the problem is in another room. Lucky for me, it's not one of the two alarms I can't reach from my ladder.

11:35PM: Sit down to start writing recap of "Dancing With The Stars, All-Stars." New DVR is a naughty bastard. It skipped the recording. Email work to find replacement.

11:50PM: Reach to turn off living room light and it moves. I scream. I look near switch to see small gecko. It slithered away. I wished it luck because my cat likes to torture lizards to near death, then he abandons them.

Can't remember when I last had such a stupid Monday. Hope I don't have another one again. Well, at least not for a while.

Cats Can Drive!

That was my first thought when I saw this license plate. Then I realized there's no way cats can reach the pedals!

I didn't get a good look at the driver, so I can only assume it's a crazy cat lady on her way to buy more vittles for her 25 furkids.

Currently Reading

The Outpost: An Untold Story of American Valor by Jake Tapper

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


"Our relationships that we established years ago were paramount in the success of the liberation of that particular village," Captain Alex Newsom insisted. "Without any American presence for two and a half years, these people we supported, they kept the fight up. All they needed was equipment. These are good people. There is hope."

I would like to believe the brave men and women who served in this remote part of Afghanistan feel the same way. I wish I could have the same positive attitude about the work they did - and continue to do - there. After reading this incredible true story of life and death there, I have to wonder if there was ever a plan beyond seeking revenge against al Qaeda for the 9/11 attacks on America? There is no question that many volunteered to serve out of patriotism or anger for that day. They deserve more for their service.

I don't know what the military solution is for such horrible acts committed against us. I do know that when you send someone's son/daughter/brother/sister/husband/wife into harms way, there should be many plans: How do we keep them safe? How do we get the resources they need? How do we approach an enemy capable of waiting out intruders? How do we bring back those men and women? What do we do with them when they return?

It seems like these are questions our government didn't ask when we decided to go to war. I only hope that this country has learned to prepare for the worst case scenario while hoping for the best. We owe that to our troops.



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THE SKY IS FALLING!!!

Not to be all Chicken Little, but I was walking my dog the other day when I saw something fall from the sky. I stopped and took a closer look, then freaked out.

Yep. A MFing snake.

Don't let my lack of exclamation points fool you. I panicked, gasped, thought about running the other way. Then, I took a picture to document this for you people (also for those who would never believe what I saw).

Do I think it was raining snakes? No. Well, not after a few minutes.

I do believe a bird probably dropped it not intending to elevate my heartbeat. But if I never have that happen again, I'll be OK.

What Am I Looking At?

I am going through a sparkly phase. I love sparkly tops. I love sparkly shoes. I love sparkly makeup. I love sparkly nail polish. Seriously. I might need a sparklevention.

So when I saw this ad, I stopped flipping the pages of Allure magazine.

At first, I was all Oooooh! Blue sparkly nail polish! I need that! Wait a second. Is she showing me where a pimple is/has been? That's not a natural way to show off your manicure. And what the hell is happening with her eye makeup? That random crazy line between her lashes and brow is something that even the late Amy Winehouse would have said no to.

If not for the bottles of Maybelline's sequin collection, I still wouldn't be sure this ad is peddling polish. They should stick to showing off the nails. People who are easily distracted can quickly forget what they want us to buy.

Ooh! Look! The ghost of Lindsay Lohan is on the next page!

See?

It's Election Day!

Since you can only legally vote once, I'm not heading to the polls today (I voted early). If you need a little motivation - and you shouldn't because voting is a pretty important privilege - maybe these ecards will help.

OK. Now, what are you waiting for? Get out there and vote!

Oh. THIS Also Happens.

As a kid, I remember cartoons that would depict the mean old lady as having a random hair growing out of her face. I'm adding this to things moms don't talk about until you say, "I have to put tweezers in every room because I find a random hair that does not belong in some places."

I'm not going to talk too much about my random hairs except to say I almost called The Guinness Book of World Records recently because I found a hair on my neck and as I carefully pulled I thought it wasn't going to end. Really. If it had changed colors, I would have thought it was part of that silly never-ending handkerchief trick clowns do.

I am sad to report this is not just a problem for women. It happens in nature, too.

This is a lady lion. She's not supposed to have that mane. That's for dude lions.

According to this story, she's suffering a hormone imbalance. Even worse, she's being called the "transexual lionness." 

THE. HORROR.

Can't a lady choose to pluck or grow hair on her face without being labeled? I think this lion's treatment is far sadder than every old spinster I've ever seen in a cartoon!

I also dare the people who have given this lionness a bad rep to say that to her face. The outrage and her surging testosterone would no doubt show them a thing or two. And it would be far worse than a catfight. She'd DESTROY them!

Count me on Team Lionness With Mane! I think she's gorgeous!