So We're Doing Jorts Again?

I was cruising Pinterest this weekend and spied a trend that I thought we were over.

JORTS.

And they're not just plain ol' denim shorts. They're the kind that could do more than provide a break from the heat. Here are a few that made me gasp.

The Lacy Jorts
These look like you're wearing old lady lace bloomers and they're trying to escape.

The whole doily thing is just hard to get past. It's VERY grandma-influenced (if grandma would allow you to leave the house in shorts that short). It also seems like you'd start to feel something was trying to crawl into your shorts every time that lace business would touch your legs. And when you say, "I thought something was crawling on my leg" when there's clearly nothing there, people will probably ask if you've taken your medication.

While this picture shows off a nice booty, I get the feeling these shorts would just invite camel toe. NOBODY needs to see that!

The Escaping Pockets

How do you know your shorts are too short? When your pockets look like they're trying to make a run from them.

That's not even a joke. Think of what this will look like if you have to put something in your pockets. They'd turn into some sort of lumpy bag. Not exactly what you want at the top of your thighs - even if you have legs like this girl.

Your Mom's Look From The 80s
For those of you who haven't gone back to look at pictures of your mom from the 80s (or those of you who wore these in the 80s and hoped you'd never see these again), you might remember the SNL "Mom Jeans" skit. Who knew in 2013 people would demand a long wide backside?

This Madonna-esque bustier (which is totally not practical unless you're wearing this outfit as a costume - even then, you should be prepared for a wardrobe malfunction) with the incredible high waisted and super short shorts looks like a bathing suit gone wrong. I didn't see a back picture, but just looking at the front, it appears that there's a butt cheek situation happening here. And if you dare to wear these in public, just know that if you drop something, don't bend at the waist unless you want to show the world what your gynecologist sees each year.

The Working Girl's Look From The 80s
It's not that I can't support the oldest profession, it's that shorts cut the same way as full-coverage underwear are a horrible idea.

And the fringe? Who is THAT fooling? It's not minimizing the large butt. It's not maximizing the small butt. It's almost like the shorts are saying, "You REALLY need more material so we'll try to grow as fast as we can to get there."

Side note: I'm now wondering if all clothing talks or it's just the strange things I see online?


Insulting The American Flag
When Betsy Ross sewed the first flag, I am almost certain this was NOT what she had in mind. (and, no, I was not around when she did it so this is not first-hand knowledge).

This girl is really cute in her tiny shorts, but should you really be sitting on USA? Should stars and stripes really be sprouting from your genitals? Seems awfully unpatriotic.

Oh, and you should also know that if you try to do this yourself, this is a better representation of what you'll look like.

I admire this lady's non-shy and regular girl (dimply) legs (though I did notice you don't see her face). Still this doesn't even look comfortable. And it looks VERY camel toe-friendly.

Just because you're crafty, you don't have to tackle these looks. Really. You can toss out the old jeans or try some of these other uses for them. But please, for the love of God, don't do these in public unless you'll agree right now to let me post a picture of you when I spy you in public. I'll do it anyway, but you should just know that it'll happen.

I love Pinterest, but these looks make me think it's a big prank. This is why I use it mostly for saving pictures of cute animals and recipes and spying looks like these that leave me saying, "Um, whaaaaaat?!?!?"

Concierge Confidential

Concierge Confidential: The Gloves Come Off—and the Secrets Come Out! Tales from the Man Who Serves Millionaires, Moguls, and Madmen by Michael Fazio

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I always knew concierges knew everything! This book only confirms it. There are plenty of gossipy stories here that will tell you how the uber-rich and famous have no idea how real life works. What I loved were the stories about how to get things. Even if you don't want tickets to a show or reservations at a restaurant, the biggest lesson here is that if you don't ask (and ask in a nice, non-aggressive way), you will NEVER get anything.



View all my reviews

My Mom's Not Fancy

It's not that she doesn't know fancy things when she sees them, but because my mom doesn't splurge on fancy things she doesn't know how to talk about them (at least not without me correcting her).

MOM: She wears, what are those, Her Mees scarves.

ME: What? That's not how you say it. It's like this:

MOM: Whatever.

She was clearly pronouncing Hermès the way it's spelled. I get that, but it's still wrong. I'm trying to help her so she won't be insulted in one of their stores if she wins big at a casino and wants to splurge!

RELATED POST:

• Life Without Pie 

Unknown Pleasures: Inside Joy Division

I just finished this book. Now this is on my radar:

And here's my review:
Unknown Pleasures: Inside Joy Division by Peter Hook

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I knew absolutely NOTHING about Joy Division before I read this book. I was familiar with New Order (which gets many references in this book but since it's not called "New Order," there's not a lot on their music). I do like a memoir, so I learned about the band as I read - getting angry when I'd tell people I was reading this and they'd tell me what happens to some of the band members. Instead of being super spoilery, I'll tell you the seven things I learned from this book that I will carry with me forever.

1. Just when I thought this rocker's memory was pretty fantastic, Peter went and brought me back to earth. "There are a lot of things I don't remember,"  he said by page 48. I guess these musicians must hear stories over and over, so they can recall events at a later (non-booze/drug influenced) time.

2. Peter's friend Terry learned something for all of us. "Then he became the sound guy, and he was shit at being a sound guy too, because Harry DeMac had taught him - as a joke, presumably - to turn things up with the 'gain pots' on the desk instead of the faders (ask your roadie), which resulted in some pretty wild mixes." Um, I don't have a roadie, so while I think this is probably important information I need someone to explain that to me.

3. I learned new slang. When the band was looking for a drummer, "Our first reply was from a student whose name I can't remember. We took  him on but he really got in our tits, so even though he was an okay drummer we decided to get rid of him." I've never used "got in our tits," but I might now.

4. Their van cruised a red-light district where the Yorkshire Ripper was preying on prostitutes. People, if your wheels are the same as a serial killer's DON'T cruise his turf unless you want to meet the police OR you want to piss off the killer who's still at-large!

5. Who knew you could get health tips from a rocker's memoir? "Listen, right, if you lot don't stop spitting, we're not going to play," Pete Shalley begged before the crowd showered him with spit. Not only gross. "That's how Joe Strummer got hepatitis, from swallowing someone's spit. Disgusting." UNDERSTATEMENT.

6. "Never have a support band who are at the top of their game. As New Order we had OutKast supporting us once. Big mistake that was." Hey ya! That sounds like a crazy concert combination!

7. When roadie Twinny borrowed Peter's second favorite shirt (after promising he'd be careful with it), he was attacked and left bloody. "Later on his mum got the blood out by washing it in a bath of saltwater. The salt lifts the blood out, she told me later, and she was absolutely right because the shirt was fine. Little tip for you there." I've watched enough crime shows on TV to know this is just an appearance thing. CSI people can totally still find the blood on your clothes, so if you're a killer (and if you are, I think you're awesome so take me off your hit list) you'll need to get rid of your clothes.



View all my reviews

He's Walking!

Even the coldest of hearts will melt just a little after watching this video.

And while I have previously written about how creepy Crocs are, this is the ONLY way I approve of them.

Babies Need A Job

Babies are cute. They don't always smell nice, but when not crying they're fun to look at. Like this one:

Here's why this baby is better than most: HE'S WORKING!

That's right, this baby scooting around the floor is actually doing some house work wearing what's called a baby mop! If ever there's a reason to add a child to the family - HERE'S THE BEST EXAMPLE!

I suppose you can't just plop the baby down and walk away. There's probably some pre-cleaning that has to happen (like before a cleaning service comes over and you try to clean up a little so they don't think you're in some sort of competition to be the world's slobbiest person). In this case, you'd probably want to pick up sharp/toxic objects because babies aren't smart enough (YET) to keep things out of their mouths.

This isn't just some random photo I found on the internets. Look. It's a real thing.

So, put your baby to work! You deserve a break!

For The Special Wino In Your Life

I was doing a little shopping on Amazon this morning and found a few things that made me think some of you aren't ready for wine and one thing that made me think some of you should probably give it up.

Take a look at this corkscrew.

I don't think perky begins to describe what's happening here. I just realized the little mouse hand is pointing right at his corkscrew. Sorry.

It doesn't look like you could store this in a drawer unless it was pretty deep. Congratulations, Sir Perky. If you were worried that he might get lonely on your countertop, rest easy.

He has a friend who works as a bottle stopper.

Cute. Just what everyone wants: a fake wiener in their wine. It IS fake, right? That's not the world's smallest person who comes to life when the wine bottle shows up, is it???

What do you do with these two when you're not wining it up? They might get sad and that would be a terribly sad sight. Maybe you shouldn't buy these unless you want to become a professional wine drinker/alcoholic.

If I see you wearing this, I am totally judging you.

I am one of the clumsiest people you may never meet. However, even I don't need something this silly. This idea works fine with glasses, maybe a pen (but if you're wearing a pen on a string you look like you are really new to pens).

This doesn't seem that helpful. Instead of dropping your wine, you'll have to figure out how to walk without sloshing wine all over your chest. Don't tell me you're not supposed to fill up the glass. That's just silly. They wouldn't make wine glasses that size if you were only supposed to put a splash of wine in it. You might as well just drink it out of a shot glass. And THAT would be almost as crazy as trying to put your wine glass in this and use it.

I'm not slighting the fine people who invented them. I'm just wondering who buys these things. I didn't. I was after something WAY more sophisticated. These. But don't tell anyone. I bought them as a gift.

PS - ABC's Shark Tank, I am available to give critiques but not buy into some of the silly pitches made on your show. Call me!

El Doc

I saw this at the mall. I get that it takes a lot of work and money to become a doctor, but this seems unnecessary.

Unless this doctor really wants you to smash into him (and I'm pretty sure it belongs to a guy because I saw a dude in the store wearing scrubs - totally what a guy with this license plate would do), there's really no reason to do this.

Can you imagine what the roads would look like if everyone had their profession on their car's bumpers? It would make it easier to find, say, a dog walker or a landscaper. But do people who have REAL dirty jobs do this? Is there an abbreviation for sewer cleaner or people who do colonics? Never mind. I don't want to know.

I just hope if I run into El Doc again, it's when I'm feeling extra hypochondriac-y. He can't run from me! He put his doctorness out in the universe! He WANTS to help me people!

NEED: Dancing Pony

My friends know that if I was ridiculously rich and had space, I would have my own wildlife park. And by "wildlife," I mean cute miniature animals that would NEVER rip my face off - so basically pandas, goats, puppies, cows and ponies (I had to take giraffes off the list because I saw how they fight and MY GOD that is terrifying).

When I get my first pony, I want it to be every bit as cool (maybe more) as this pony:


Because what girl doesn't need a pony who can moonwalk?

So Anti-News It's Frustrating

As a regular reader (and clicker) of The Huffington Post, I understand the images they associate with each story/link. But I've noticed a trend that is so ridiculous, it makes me not want to go to the site or click on anything.

On the politics page Tuesday night, this is what I saw:

Those are 15 images of people who look angry, constipated, drunk or on the verge of a serious ailment. And it's not just the politics page. I clicked on the media page and spotted this right away:

As one who regularly posts stories to the Interwebs and occasionally must grab an image not from stock but from video, even if it's a story about someone I don't like, I try not to take a still that would make the person look anything like those poor people.

It's not that this "news" site should be trying to give some impression that it's fair and balanced. After all, here's what the front page of Drudge Report looked like at the same time:

It's like these pictures are meant to move me (and anyone else who gets riled up by an unflattering/inflammatory picture) to click RIGHT NOW to read a story that's going to be nowhere near as sexy as the image.

And that's not right.

It's frustrating. If these sites didn't sometimes have news content that could come in handy, I'd skip them. Since they don't, I'd like to hope that the people who handle these sites could be a little more responsible and choose an image that better tells the story. Otherwise, they might as well just post something like this:

And people, that's not even Photoshopped. That's a REAL song! However, it perfectly sums up what I've been looking at lately.

Why Unicorn Drinks

Two posts in one day! Settle down. This book was super short...

Why Unicorn Drinks by C.W. Moss

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I always thought unicorns were mythical, clean, kind creatures. Now, I know otherwise.

Unicorn has so many reasons to drink - most of them are totally understandable. Some are tragic and sad or the kind that if said in the workplace could earn you a trip to HR.

As if the reasons why unicorn drinks aren't enough, each one has a drawing to represent it. Thanks, unicorn. Now, I can dream about you and your alcoholism. That's not a bad thing. It makes me feel better about the glass of wine I'm having before bed. The unicorn made me do it.



View all my reviews

Tenth of December: Stories

Tenth of December: Stories by George Saunders

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


It's been a while since I've read a book of short stories. Maybe too long. When I started this, I was confused. I thought maybe my book had been printed without some of the first 50 pages. Where was the beginning of the book, introducing me to the people and places? Then, I got to the second "chapter" and was even more confused. There were new characters and whole new story! By page 45, I was saying, "Um, no, dummy. These are short stories." Then, it was all clear to me.

Each story is different - with the exception of a character saying "like" and being scolded to stop saying it. Without being spoilery, I'll say some of the stories left me wanting more. Others made me happy they started and ended where they did.

Technically, I would give this 3.5 stars, but that's not an option so I rounded up. This book was at times a strange adventure and I'm still not sure how I feel about some of the stories. I'm thinking in due time I'll feel confident in the four star review.



View all my reviews

It Squeaks!!!

I saw this toy at the store this morning.

I'm not sure if it's supposed to be an actual animal or if it's some kind of mythical creature. Whatever it is, it's noisy. My dog loves to make noise (he does NOT like outside noises he cannot control). So I bought him one of these and here's what happened:

My favorite part of this video is at the end when the cat appears and meows. The dog stands on the toy as if to say to the cat, "This is my fun. Back off."

The dog has had this toy for a half  hour and the squeaking hasn't stopped. He might be trying to kill it. He might think it's the best thing he's ever discovered. Whatever it is, he hasn't been this fascinated by something since Frosty Paws came into his world.

My only concern is that he'll still want to play with it while I'm sleeping. That is NOT okay by me (even though I want him to be happy). NOTE TO SELF: hide toy in a place the dog can't reach it and I can't step on it in the middle of the night.