Sometimes a lady likes to put her business right in your face.
Don't be dirty. Sicko.
I'm talking about the woman behind the wheel of this gas guzzler.
It might be hard to see her customized license plate from this photo, so allow me to zoom in.
That's REEL WM.
Maybe she's not sure how to spell "real."
Maybe she likes to fish.
Maybe it's not even a she. Maybe it's a fisherman who likes to stay warm.
But there's nothing I like about this. Not the ugly cross between an SUV and a pickup. Not the customized plate. And I definitely don't like the whole "in your face" license plate. Anyone who buys that vehicle is pretty much giving the middle finger to everyone else. Serious superiority complex. Serious a-hole.
Now, I could be wrong. But I don't think I am.
To see other personalized license plates deciphered, click here.
I get it. You're expecting a baby (or two or more). But, this whole, let's take a nude photo to remember the time has GOT TO STOP.
Is there anything beautiful about this Mariah Carey photo? It appears even OK magazine couldn't fully embrace it, plastering eight other people on the cover in what appears to be an attempt to say, "We're not all about the naked pregnant singer! PROMISE!"
But Mariah's face even seems to be saying, "I know I'm being paid to do this, but what the hell was I thinking?" And her husband, Nick Cannon, is totally creepy - squeezing her boobs while covering her nipples and appearing to whisper in her ear. He could be saying, "It's all good!" or anything else to keep Mariah from reaching for a top.
It doesn't get any better here.
I remember when Demi Moore did this.
I thought she looked like Demi Moore in the face, but, my God - that belly is huge! At the time, it was quite brave of an actress to show herself like that. Now, I realize it's all a publicity stunt. These celebrities want us to look at them.
I'd rather see them not posed. Like this.
Kate Hudson could be paid to wear that bikini or wrap or jewelry or sunglasses. But she's natural - enjoying her time in the sun. She's not screaming, "BUY THIS MAGAZINE TO ALMOST SEE MY BABYMAKER!"
Totally more appropriate - especially for the non-famous pregnant ladies. Also not creepy:
If you want to take those celebrity-style photos, I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm just saying, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T GO PUBLIC WITH THEM. I'm pretty sure your unborn child will not appreciate it when he/she learns words.
It's rare that I finish a book in 24 hours (unless it's heavy on the pictures and light on the words). But it did not surprise me that I did that with this book.
First, let's talk about this book cover. It might be the best use of Photoshop I've ever seen - unless this is how Tina Fey really looks in her off time. If that's the case, the people at Spanx should get her to be their spokesperson because she looks much smaller everywhere else!
While I found this book funny, it also carried a lot of truths. I'm not considering this my new Bible, but I did learn a few things from it.
When your gay friend decides to tell what the world knows, you're not supposed to say things like "FINALLY!" or "What took you so long?" Clearly, I have been going about this all wrong. Tina says the correct responses is something along the lines of "Is everyone, like, freaking out? What a...wow."
Cruise ships are designed to kill you. If you don't know me, let me be VERY clear about this: I have no desire to take a vacation on a cruise ship. It's not just because I've seen Titanic and know how that ends. It's mostly because I don't enjoy buffets - or people who feel like they need to get their money's worth by shoveling in food until they pop (kind of like that true life story Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs). But, Tina (look, I've given her money, so that totally puts us on a first-name basis) honeymooned on a cruise. There was a fire. In the engine room. A result of a burst fuel pipe. Any of this sound like it should have a good ending? Well, Tina is alive and none of this was on the news, so it did. But when she says she told the story to a friend who had been a performer on a cruise ship, I learned something that will stay with me should I ever take a cruise. "Bravo is serious. The more times they say it, the more serious it is. The most times they ever say it is four times, and if they say it four times, it means you're going down to your watery grave." Her emergency required three "Bravos." Friends, do you have any idea how close we were to never knowing Liz Lemon? Count your blessings.
Size might not matter. Tina has been very skinny and a little bit fat. Her lessons from both: We should leave everyone alone about their weight. And then...
Stylists want non-models to be the size of models. So, when this appeared in my mailbox a few weeks ago, I thought, "WOW! Tina Fey kinda looks like a model!" Then, I read this and I will never look at a magazine the same again. "Once your hair and makeup are done, you'll slip into your first look. It will most definitely be one of the dresses that didn't even come close to fitting you, so Lot's Wife will bridge the gap with a thick piece of white elastic and some safety pins. Don't ever feel inadequate when you look at magazines. Just remember that every person you see on a cover has a bra and underwear hanging out a gaping hole in the back. Everyone. Heidi Klum, the Olsen Twins, David Beckham, everybody." And about Photoshop, an invention so great I want it in real life, Tina says, "I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society...unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool." I don't know how you get young girls to to look at magazines and understand those girls look perfect because of team of people have made them that way. Even the prettiest of models has insecurities. In fact, they probably don't even leave home without makeup so they don't wind up on a website saying, "Ew! Look at her - she's hideous!"
Dear Internet. If Tina is still trolling the internet looking to see what anonymous strangers write about her, I hope she finds this. I have nothing but love for her. Those strangers who got a response from Tina in her book should enjoy their new-found fame. In fact, they should put it to good use by writing a response from the safety of their mom's basements, where they no doubt troll celebrity sites looking to say mean things about people they secretly envy.
Shortest chapter contains the most honesty. This is it: I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn't used to have to do that. But now I do.
There are many more lessons to be had (though I don't remember one workplace story about tears - they totally don't belong there and if you cry at work I will totally judge you as a baby not worthy of my time). If you want those lessons, you'll have to buy the book. Or if you ask nicely, I might loan you my copy.
UPDATE: I found this note about tears in the workplace. You may sleep better now.
PS - plowing through this book has brought me even closer to my book goal for the year.
I like that Goodreads assumes I'll continue motoring through the rest of my books on my reading list - like they're all 300 pages or less!
Those losers who thought they were winning by buying tickets to see Charlie Sheen's live show got exactly what they paid for. And one of his ex-wives looks like she's winning.
Confession: I have hated Sunday nights for the last four months or so. The reason: I have nothing good to watch on television. I've been reading, watching stuff off the DVR or a DVD - but I feel like I've been robbed.
First, I've been tortured by Mad Men.
The whole is it or isn't it back game was not fun. I desperately want to know what Don will do! And what happens to Joan? Will Peggy stay at the agency? Will Betty remain committed in yet another miserable marriage?
Last week, I finally got some good news: the show would be back in 2012 for two seasons. I absolutely love when shows have an end date. It's like they have purpose. No show should go on forever - even if it's a huge money maker for the network. With that puzzle solved, it's like the TV Gods (there has to be more than one because of all the channels) have smiled on me and given me something to watch. I celebrate the end of those Sundays I lost to Celebrity Apprentice or some other lame reality show. If you're looking for something to watch on Sundays, here's what I'm doing:
Mildred Pierce
Friends, a series like this makes HBO worth every penny!
The first two of five parts of aired last Sunday. I was really excited about this when I saw the promos - Kate Winslet and Guy Pearce together? YES! I love them. I was slightly familiar with the story, but have not seen the original movie (it's in my Netflix queue) or read the book.
I was moved by the first two episodes and looking forward to seeing this one through.
The Kennedys
I have yet to see a single rave review for this 8-part series, but I'm still going to watch it.
I am no fan of Katie Holmes (I don't believe she's shown range - she's like the girl who keeps playing the same character). I do like Greg Kinnear and Barry Pepper. I'm curious to see how they pull this off.
Saying it stretches the truth is probably being too nice. I just want to know why all the networks passed on this. I won't commit to sticking this one out, but I'll watch whatever runs this week.
The Killing Mad Men drama aside, AMC can do no wrong. Wait. I take that back. They axed Rubicon- a show that was absolutely mesmerizing. So, why am I willing to commit to this one? Because I believe the 13 episodes will probably stand alone. If I invest 12 weeks in this series, I don't think I'll be left hanging.
It's a murder mystery show, so I feel certain they'll solve the case by the end. I have high hopes for this one (including the possibility it will give me strange dreams).
Those shows will get me by until my other Sunday favorites return.
There are 26 movies debuting this month. There's only one I'm interested in seeing:
I love Reese Witherspoon and refuse to give up on her (even when she makes the occasional rom-com). I'm totally over Robert Pattinson, so I'll just pretend he's someone else. This movie looks magical. I haven't read the book, but I think I'll wait a few years to do that so it doesn't ruin my movie experience.
Since there are so many bad movies out this month, I decided I'd list the worst five movies and why I won't see them.
Source Code. First of all, I don't love science fiction. Second, the idea of travelling back in time for eight minutes in someone else's body is just plain creepy.
Hop. Oh, James Marsden and Elizabeth Perkins... I hope the paycheck for this movie was a big one, but this just looks like how my stomach feels when I eat too many Peeps - painful. I know that I'm not the target audience for this movie, but I have as much interest in seeing this as I do a Chipmunk movie (translation: not one bit).
Your Highness. If James Franco wants people to stop thinking he's a stoner, he should stop making stoner movies. Also, Natalie Portman clearly wanted something to make us forget she could actually act. No, thank you. I'd rather remember these two in their Oscar-worthy performances.
Arthur. I actually saw this movie last year. It was called Get Him To The Greek. Jonah Hill sits out this one to let Helen Mirren do the "wrangle the drunk/high Russell Brand" character. Plus, I feel like this movie should have never ever been remade.
Madea's Big Happy Family. I have always found humor that magnifies a race's stereotype to be racist and unfunny. Why would you want me to think all African American families are like this, Tyler Perry? And every trailer I've seen has made this film appear as if it's a spoof of a few dozen other movies. Is Tyler out of Madea original snaps - or is this supposed to be a spoof? Either way, I say "PFFFT!"
If you want to see a list of the other movies out in April, click here.
