Happy Hallowiener!

This year, my Mom picked up a little costume for Charley. You can see he's super happy to be wearing it.
I didn't want the cat to think he was immune from the shenanigans, so I made him wear it, too.
Before you report me for abusing my pets, let me just say that I force them to wear things because I think it's the only way you can remind the furry ones who's really in charge.

And one more thing... My friend, Michelle, has a very patient lab named Jackson. Notice how many poses she's able to get out of his Fall photo shoot.
I hope you and your little ghosts, goblins, slutty nurses, etc., have a happy Halloween. If you want to share your pictures, send 'em my way and I'll post 'em!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make a sign for my front door warning trick-or-treaters not to ring the doorbell as we all have swine flu. We don't, I just don't feel like hearing the doorbell ring all night. Plus, those Snickers are MINE.

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

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Week in Pop Culture

I just saw a picture of Miley Cyrus's little sister. Seriously hoping this is a Halloween costume.

I wonder what Khloe & Lamar Odom will do to cover this up after their divorce. What? It's gonna happen.

Dear Amy Winehouse: I get that you bought boobs and you're proud of them. But, um, maybe make sure your top will hold them before you leave home?

The economy is tough on 50 Cent. I mean, poor guy has to sell his old diamonds before he buys new ones. I'm crying for him. Really.

From the "It's so creepy it might be true" page - there could have been a Rangelina. Good luck getting that image out of your head.

Fellas, if you want to get a little bit of Jessica Simpson, here's what she wants (and it's not another drink or some guacamole).

In case you've forgotten, Chris Brown is still a douche.

Alec Baldwin's daughter ordered up the creepiest birthday cake.

Happy to report David Beckham isn't planning on hiding his handsome face forever.

Britney is the BEST lip syncer ever.

Wow.

This is amazing!

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She's The Best?

Now, I usually LOVE Annie Leibovitz's photos. So this is a bit of a disappointment.
That's it? Don't get me wrong. The Obamas are a lovely family (those girls are super cute!), but put Mom & Dad in a chair let the kids put their arms around them? That's the kind of photo you can have taken at Sears!

Consider some of Leibovitz's previous photos:


When I see those photos, I feel something. They're intimate. They're insightful. I could look at them all day and not get bored. The Obama family portrait doesn't do anything except make me think that's the photo you'd get in a new picture frame. Blah. It wasn't too long ago that she did these. Much more interesting.

Now, I'm hoping the First Family got some other photos out of the shoot (which I read was a freebie, so it didn't cost taxpayers a penny - which is interesting considering Leibovitz has money troubles, but whatever). If that's what's going out on their holiday card, people will probably be disappointed - not just because it's being published everywhere.

So, please, Ms. Leibovitz, give us more thoughtful photos and less of what any photographer with a screen background can do!

Week in Pop Culture

Elisabeth Hasselbeck showed off her new baby boy on "The View." Unlike her family, she did not share her nipple photo with the viewers. WHEW!

It seems the Octomom has a thing for douchebags.

Apparently, The Hoff is getting a reality show.

Whitney Houston went on a talent show and sang. No one seemed to care much about that. It was her wardrobe malfunction that got all the attention.

Non-gossip item: If you're not watching "Glee" (what's wrong with you?), then you're missing out on this kind of fun.

More Gleetastic news: Madonna is letting the musical show use songs from her catalog. Can't wait!!

You think I'm mean? A writer with the LA Times came up with a list of things she doesn't like about Vince Vaughn.

Rihanna confuses me. She has talent, but then she has to go and whore-it-up for attention.

Mischa Barton, whose TV show was canceled after about 30 seconds on air, says TV is not for her. That's like me saying booze before work is not for me. Well, it's not.

Because U2 loves its fans, the boys plan to stream their concert Sunday on the web.

Amy Winehouse got herself some boobs.

This might explain why kids want to be celebrities.

I don't know why I'm surprised celebrities have wedding registries.

Kids, if you ever needed an example of what happens when you abuse drugs, alcohol and, well, anything else, please see this. Then, just say no.

You Might Be Obsessed

I'm not naming names, but there are some people who keep sending me links to cute animals being, well, cute. So I dedicate this to you.

Now, get some help.

Week in Pop Culture

OMG! Celebrity surfers are, like, in danger of being eaten by a shark! Wait. Can I send a few into the water?

I might actually go see a "Glee" tour even though I'd be the oldest one there without kids. Maybe that's a reason to adopt?

I am in awe of January Jones on "Mad Men." And after reading this, I love her a little more!

I don't know how anything related to Michael Jackson could surprise me, but throw in a little Paul Anka and I'm left shaking my head.

Some crazy person decided to smack Leona Lewis. HARD.

Tracy Morgan has a new book (I didn't know he could read, let alone write) and he has some not-so-nice things to say about former SNLers.

Add Matthew Perry to the list of former "Friends" getting a TV show. I do not have high hopes for this one.

The Spice Girls are planning a reunion. Why?

I think Jennifer Aniston is a girl with issues. Proving my point, she's back to "spending time" with John Mayer. Let the douche go, girl. He only says sweet things in his songs. Have you never checked him out on twitter?

I'm no fan of Jessica Simpson, but even I think this went too far. I mean people at the NFL making a fat joke? Have they not looked at some of those linemen? Kettle, please hold for black.

I don't know whether I should be amazed that Pam Anderson can still look good in that red bathing suit or disappointed that strutting around in it is the only way she gets attention these days.

Garth Brooks is headed to Sin City.

This will make Julie happy: Taylor Swift will host SNL.

One more thing I don't have in common with Supermodels: pit stains.

NBC owns Jon Bon Jovi for a couple of months. Fingers crossed he's not singing on the NBC shows I like!

Honesty Is The Best Policy

Judging by the title, you're probably thinking, "This girl is crazy! She just said she wants a cupcake car and now she's preaching honesty?" Well, I really do want a cupcake car, so stop messing around and buy me one.

Back to my entry today. Yes, I believe honesty is always the best policy, even when it stings a little. Believe it or not, I do try to be kind when I'm telling people what they don't want to hear. My family and friends know not to ask me for my opinion unless they really want to hear it. But I'm not outing liars today. Well, not with names.

Something has been bothering me lately. I didn't become fully aware of it until a few weeks ago when I kept seeing this infomercial for a girdle-type device that promised to make you look 20 pounds thinner instantly. Look:

UH-MAZE-EEEENG! When I did a google search, it seems this body slimmer (gasp) doesn't work as advertised.

I know there are other products, like Spanx, which do an excellent job of cutting off your circulation just to hide a few bumps or rolls.

Then, I learned about something for the fellas.
Yes, ladies, go ahead and look at the zipper area. Really. That's what Calvin Klein wants. Why? BECAUSE IT'S PADDED.

They're like the "Wonder Bra" of pants! Totally misleading! I feel for people who have such high expectations based on a date's outerwear that when they finally get to see what's underneath they are, to say the least, underwhelmed.

I'm not saying you shouldn't buy these things if they make you feel better about yourself. I'm just saying a little honesty before the reveal would be the best policy. I can only imagine the horror unfolding in bedrooms everywhere as people strip down to reveal they are less than perfect. I kind of wish someone would put that on youtube. Don't think I haven't been looking for it.

Ridiculous Things I MUST Have

Neiman Marcus has rolled out its holiday catalog! Just like last year, I have found things I cannot live without. I'm counting on you people to make my dreams come true. Here's what I must have:
This yummy looking thing is a customizable cupcake car! It doesn't say how fast it goes, but I don't care.

I mean, a car that comes with a hat - who doesn't like to accessorize?

And the fact that the ad encourages you to crash parades... Well, I think people might prefer to see my cupcake at Fiesta instead of my shoes. Wait. Let me rethink that statement. It sounds a little dirty.

Well, you can see my cupcake. Maybe I'll let you take it for a spin. Hold on. That sounds dirty, too.

OK. I'll let you see my cupcake. Just don't try to taste the frosting.

ARGH. I give up.

Just buy me the cupcake car, will ya? I hear that when you honk the horn it doesn't make a noise, just smells like cupcakes. Hey, it's my fantasy list, I'll use my imagination all I want!

Here's a gift I can enjoy long after the holidays: Maker's Mark Master Distiller Experience.

You see, my surgeon told me last week that I don't have to give up booze. He said I just need to keep trying it. He also said it's up to me to decide if booze makes me feel bad that I have to choose to stop drinking it. Not. Gonna. Happen.

What I like about this gift is that it not only lets you sample the whiskey right out of the barrel, it lets you see how it is magically made.

I think the trip to the ol' distillery also comes with a special meet and greet with the whiskey elves.

Buy this for me and I'll bring you a sample and some pictures (sorry, elves don't like to have their pictures taken).

Also, as a special gift, feel free to book a trip for me to a nice "spa" (I believe that's what celebrities call "rehab," though you'll have to send me there to check it out). That last sentence was written by my liver.

I would love a new car. I just don't like the whole shopping for one/making payments thing. Since you kind of have to do those things, I figure this is the perfect gift for me!

It's the 2010 Jaguar XJL!

It has a ton of safety features (that's important, y'all).

It promises the leather seats are soft as butter. I believe everything I read in advertising, so, YUM!

Oh, and this pretty car comes with a complete set of luggage. It will fit so nicely in the trunk when I pack up my things and come to stay at your place for the weekend!

Buy this and I'll let you drive me around. I'll even hang my head out the window like a puppy. No drooling. I wouldn't want to dirty up the car!

Oh, I'll also name it after you. So you get a clearer picture how this works, think of this: "I'm sooo driving (your name here) crazy in the traffic today!" or "(Your name here) loves it when I turn up the radio to sing along to Prince!"

See? Your thinking about this...

Now of all the things I've shown you, you're probably thinking this is the most boring of all.

Nope.

I LOVE books! I actually love them more than magazines and TV, though based on my blog posts and tweets, you probably find that hard to believe.

Take a look at these books. I mean, they're for smart people! Totally blows away my usual chick-lit choices!

I do read serious books every now and then. But I think this stack from the Algonquin Round Table Experience would force me to use less of my potty mouth (unless these books use words that are too big for my small brain).

I'll let you off easy on this one. You don't have to buy me this whole package.

Consider this a list of books I want to read. Choose one and send it to me. I promise to read it in the next decade. I promise to give it a cozy spot on my nightstand (until the evil cat comes along and pushes it off as he tends to do in the middle of the night).

So there you have it. My wildest dreams. I'm counting on you to make every one of them come true! What? You don't want me to be disappointed - do you?

In The Halloween Spirit...

I hope this gives you a giggle!

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Week in Pop Culture

Holy Hell! When did Lindsay Lohan turn 50?

Liked "Fantasy Island?" How about that old show turned into a reality show. Yeah. It's happening.

This guy plays a closeted gay man on "Mad Men," but in real life, he's out...and ready to tie the knot!

Another celebrity has lost her dog.

Tyler Perry becomes the latest celebrity to talk about his abusive childhood. Sorry, doesn't make his movies funny.

Nancy Grace wants to be the next Judge Judy.

Jennifer Hudson will have a Christmas special on ABC. And here's her baby boy.

Tina Fey might be the big sister I always wanted!

This story says Karina Smirnoff might be hooking up with Aaron Carter. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Miley Cyrus and her clan have quit Twitter. Aw, and I was this close to following them - or not.

Ugh. Another "National Lampoon" movie. I'm already going to take a pass on it.

Michael Vick is getting a reality show. I'll probably watch it once.

Tom Cruise tells Katie Holmes what to wear. Why doesn't this surprise me?

Remember Stephanie Seymour? She is getting divorced and it is NASTY.

Here's an odd choice for a "Playboy" cover girl (and no, it's not me).

This kid is so cute, he almost makes my ovaries skip a beat. ALMOST.

Second Cut of The Season

I've never had Botox, but this is what my face looked like when I watched last Sunday's episode of "Desperate Housewives."

I have stuck with this show from the beginning. Back then, it was funny, sassy and sexy. The last few seasons, it's been silly, dumb and (worst of all) predictable.

The season premiere didn't do much for me. I gave it a second chance last week. I found myself staring blankly at the TV, willing the show to win me over.

It never did.

I know plenty of people who gave up on this show a long time ago. Here's my problem with TV shows: once I start them, it's really hard for me to quit them, even if I let several episodes take up space on my DVR, only to watch them while I'm reading a magazine or doing something else. It takes a lot for me to quit a show to which I've invested so much of my time. But this time, I had no problem cutting the cord (actually, no cutting involved - just deleted the timer on my DVR schedule).

Mark Cherry's brainchild started off good. Now, it's just as annoying as a daytime soap opera. I mean, every single trick this show has pulled has been done on daytime. When I read this was how the fall season would end, I decided I've had enough. Warning: don't click on the link unless you REALLY want to know what is going to happen.

So long, ladies of Wisteria Lane. It was nice knowing you - you know, until you lost your wit and charm. Maybe I'll catch you in syndication if I ever wonder what happened to you.

MMMM... Probably not.

A True Hero

Hero is a word that is often overused. I know this because I work in the news business. We are quick to call people a "hero" because, well, it sounds good. It might make you want to see what's so heroic about the person featured in a story. But it's hard to deliver when you give someone that "hero" title. I mean, a true hero will tell you he/she is not a hero. That guy who says he's a hero - he's not.

That said, I'd like you to take some time to read about a TRUE hero. An Army Ranger from Minnesota saved six of his fellow soldiers during battle in Afghanistan. He lost his life in that fight. But (and here's where he goes extreme hero) he wasn't done giving. He donated his organs and tissue to help 75 strangers.

Here's a link to the story. Think about Cpl. Ben Kopp the next time you call someone a hero.

Week in Pop Culture

I've said I would never do a reality show. Let me take that back. I'd like to be on "The Hills" for the paycheck. See how much these people make and try not to have a stroke.

TLC dumped the douchebag. He fought back in an apparent attempt to be father-like. TLC responded by yanking the paychecks right out of the hands of those eight little kids. WTG, douche! How you gonna pay for the nannies and stuff now? I'm not sure why this interests me. I've only seen five minutes of the show.

Speaking of douches, Spencer Pratt might be doing us all a favor by "barely having sex" with Heidi. Fingers crossed there's no Baby Pratt. That's one reality show I would NOT watch.

Another thing I would not watch: a sex tape of Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel.

A third "Meet The Parents?" Um, OK. But if Jessica Alba is in it, then that could make me break me streak of not seeing her in a movie. Dilemma.

Lauren Conrad, former "star" of "The Hills" is on my list. Not only has she written a book (and has a deal to crank out a few more - which I'm certain are written by her), it's being turned into a movie. Hollywood, you're on my list, too.

Matt LeBlanc is returning to TV. If it's half as good as the shows Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow and Matthew Perry have done, it'll be canceled in three weeks.

What moms don't run off to Target like this? Oh, right. MOST MOMS.

I must confess: I ♥ Kristen Wiig. She is the funniest person on SNL. So reading this about her training for "Whip It." made me smile. Can't wait to see it!

I know you REALLY want to see that Michael Jackson film. Good luck getting into a theater any time soon.

I am still shocked about this whole Letterman blackmail thing.

Finally... this might be the most precious pop culture hospital in the world.

Hollywood, I Don't Get It

This man is an admitted pedophile. Some in Hollywood say Roman Polanski should not serve the time for his crime.

You know, "Rosemary's Baby" is a great film. It scares the bejeezus out of me every time I watch it. The sight of that upside down cross over the baby's bed gives me goose bumps.

But he's a pedophile.

He gave a 13-year-old girl drugs and alcohol then had sex with her. Even if she consented, THIS IS ILLEGAL. She's a child. He's an adult. He's old enough to know better. But who needs judgment? I think her testimony is heartbreaking. Shame on him - and anyone else who knew this was happening. Jack Nicholson - how could you have NO clue this was happening in your own home?

He served some time in jail, then left the country fearing the judge would throw the book at him.

Now, he's trying to get the whole thing tossed out of court. Woody Allen is coming to Polanski's defense. Really. I mean, if you're an admitted pedophile on the run, wouldn't you want another award-winning director who has liked young girls to stand up for you?

I don't care how talented Polanski is as a film maker. He had sex with a child. He fled the country. At some point, he must be held accountable. What message does this send to the world's criminals? If you have a talent, we'll turn a blind eye to the fact that you like to diddle kids? We'll forget that you haven't harmed a soul since your last crime 30 years ago?

No. I won't accept that. I understand his victim has forgiven him. But the law is the law. What good is it if we make exceptions?