Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Ridiculous Things I MUST Have

Neiman Marcus has rolled out its holiday catalog! Just like last year, I have found things I cannot live without. I'm counting on you people to make my dreams come true. Here's what I must have:
This yummy looking thing is a customizable cupcake car! It doesn't say how fast it goes, but I don't care.

I mean, a car that comes with a hat - who doesn't like to accessorize?

And the fact that the ad encourages you to crash parades... Well, I think people might prefer to see my cupcake at Fiesta instead of my shoes. Wait. Let me rethink that statement. It sounds a little dirty.

Well, you can see my cupcake. Maybe I'll let you take it for a spin. Hold on. That sounds dirty, too.

OK. I'll let you see my cupcake. Just don't try to taste the frosting.

ARGH. I give up.

Just buy me the cupcake car, will ya? I hear that when you honk the horn it doesn't make a noise, just smells like cupcakes. Hey, it's my fantasy list, I'll use my imagination all I want!

Here's a gift I can enjoy long after the holidays: Maker's Mark Master Distiller Experience.

You see, my surgeon told me last week that I don't have to give up booze. He said I just need to keep trying it. He also said it's up to me to decide if booze makes me feel bad that I have to choose to stop drinking it. Not. Gonna. Happen.

What I like about this gift is that it not only lets you sample the whiskey right out of the barrel, it lets you see how it is magically made.

I think the trip to the ol' distillery also comes with a special meet and greet with the whiskey elves.

Buy this for me and I'll bring you a sample and some pictures (sorry, elves don't like to have their pictures taken).

Also, as a special gift, feel free to book a trip for me to a nice "spa" (I believe that's what celebrities call "rehab," though you'll have to send me there to check it out). That last sentence was written by my liver.

I would love a new car. I just don't like the whole shopping for one/making payments thing. Since you kind of have to do those things, I figure this is the perfect gift for me!

It's the 2010 Jaguar XJL!

It has a ton of safety features (that's important, y'all).

It promises the leather seats are soft as butter. I believe everything I read in advertising, so, YUM!

Oh, and this pretty car comes with a complete set of luggage. It will fit so nicely in the trunk when I pack up my things and come to stay at your place for the weekend!

Buy this and I'll let you drive me around. I'll even hang my head out the window like a puppy. No drooling. I wouldn't want to dirty up the car!

Oh, I'll also name it after you. So you get a clearer picture how this works, think of this: "I'm sooo driving (your name here) crazy in the traffic today!" or "(Your name here) loves it when I turn up the radio to sing along to Prince!"

See? Your thinking about this...

Now of all the things I've shown you, you're probably thinking this is the most boring of all.

Nope.

I LOVE books! I actually love them more than magazines and TV, though based on my blog posts and tweets, you probably find that hard to believe.

Take a look at these books. I mean, they're for smart people! Totally blows away my usual chick-lit choices!

I do read serious books every now and then. But I think this stack from the Algonquin Round Table Experience would force me to use less of my potty mouth (unless these books use words that are too big for my small brain).

I'll let you off easy on this one. You don't have to buy me this whole package.

Consider this a list of books I want to read. Choose one and send it to me. I promise to read it in the next decade. I promise to give it a cozy spot on my nightstand (until the evil cat comes along and pushes it off as he tends to do in the middle of the night).

So there you have it. My wildest dreams. I'm counting on you to make every one of them come true! What? You don't want me to be disappointed - do you?
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