This Is Too Easy

If you look in the upper right hand corner of this blog, you'll see that I have spied a few too many personalized license plates. Sometimes I have help. This one was snapped by my eagle-eyed friend (and frequent contributor) Adam.

This is the perfect time for me to explain that if you have this license plate, you cannot EVER be angry when people judge you or call you crazy. YOU put this out there! I hope you have a matching tattoo on your forehead so that when you're not driving we all know you're around.

I spotted this one:

That's right. The license plate on that BMW says "MOOCH." I'm guessing this driver's friends probably know all about his/her cheap ways whenever they go out for a meal or drinks.

I also found one that is actually quite helpful:

That pink license plate says "CHK EM." As in, "Hey, ladies! Do your monthly breast exam!" It's possible I saw that instant reminder and did a quick exam while I waited for the light to turn green.

It's not just license plates that have gotten my attention lately. Rear window advertising is pretty hard to miss.

Not that I'm in the market for a tattoo, but if I was... No. That will never happen. But why would ANYONE get a tattoo from a place that has the words "DOO DOO" in the name? Doesn't that let you know that you're not getting quality ink? If these people actually are the best tattoo artists on the planet, they should really get a new name. This one stinks.

While I totally support freedom of speech, this seems like the most unusual thing to announce - especially on the side window of your SUV.

When I pulled up along that in a parking lot at my local home improvement store, I was so confused. I snapped that before I got out of my car. I thought maybe the driver is talking about the rims (those are sometimes called shoes - I think, I don't know, slang is hard to keep up with these days).

Nope. I'm pretty sure that from the rap music and reality shows I've seen, those are 20 somethings. I'm so confused. If I wasn't trying to get home to do yard work before the sun roasted me or it rains (which did not happen so you meteorologists are jerks for telling me rain was coming), I would have stuck around to see who drove that. Or not. I really don't like confronting strangers without provocation (even though I think that sticker would give me fair grounds to ask a question or two). I fear being shot by strangers, but not so much that I won't keep taking pictures and posting them when I see you people. Just try not to zoom past me on the highway. I don't want to die taking a picture.

SIDEBAR: Dear officers who may be reading this... I absolutely do not text and drive. My super smart iPhone is capable of jumping out of the holder in my car and snapping pictures on its own. There's an app for it. Look into it.

Week In Pop Culture

Hello, Chris Evans!

Jennifer Aniston is talking about her current man.

Add Lionel Richie to the list of celebrities who owe the IRS.

Mindy McCready had a baby.

Rihanna says she wants her privacy, then she does stuff like this.

Jada Pinkett Smith says her marriage is just fine, thankyouverymuch.

Britney Spears looks REALLY good.

Scarlett Johansson misses Ryan Reynolds.

Lisa Rinna is pimping adult diapers.

Mel Gibson is still crazy.

Here's Colin Farrell out with his daughter.

Ashton Kutcher is keeping his TV gig.

Meow, Anne Hathaway!

General Hospital is staying alive.

This TV series will not make my DVR list.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame wants Guns 'N Roses. Axl Rose says, "Nope."

Marc Anthony filed for divorce from Jennifer Lopez.

If Betty White is not typing her own Tweets, I'm not following her.

Chris Noth is married.

Cyndi Lauper is writing her life story.

Madonna's new album is a record breaker: biggest second week sales drop. So clearly this isn't helping.

Here's Beyonce in a bathing suit.

Ricki Lake is married.

It sounds like Melissa Ethridge's ex is a wee bit needy.

Ashley Judd needs to get over herself.

Melissa Gilbert is the first one this season on Dancing With The Stars to go to the hospital.

This Frasier story is fun!

Hey, Miley Cyrus! How about you don't wear a dress when you ride your bike so you don't have to hold it down to keep your lady bits from showing?

There may have been a love connection on the Glee set.

Zac Efron looks like he might need to see a doctor.

A crazy lady was arrested for stalking Alec Baldwin.

Bethenny Frankel knows who she wants to play her in a movie/TV show.

Britney Spears is still not the boss of herself.

Being Jennifer Lopez's boy toy sounds like fun!

Anne Hathaway has chopped off all her hair! She doesn't seem happy about it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn't like reboots of movies he made if he's not in them.

A furniture company is going to learn the hard way not to use Clint Eastwood's name without permission (or payment).

A country singer is engaged.

There are so many things I wonder about this Snoop Dogg book.

Pamela Anderson is going to be on Broadway.

Reese Witherspoon took her bump to the beach.

Hugh Grant might not act anymore.

Heidi Klum and Seal aren't getting back together.

LeAnn Rimes lost her blonde.

There are already plans for an Expendables 3.

Amanda Bynes was arrested.

Rest in peace, Mike Wallace.

Another Homeowner Lesson

Since I bought my house five years ago (and I cannot believe I've been here this long!), I have learned a few lessons. Most of them have been from people who have owned homes much longer. Some have come the hard way - and, oh, how I have paid for them.

Sunday I was forced to clean my refrigerator - not at gunpoint or anything like that. I was cooking dinner and had to throw out leftovers that had been sitting there for a couple of weeks. You see, I have a very tough time eating all the food I cook and I also hate throwing out food. I feel guilty. I also feel a little dumb for cooking things like an entire package of pasta knowing I will never eat all of it. I had something like this in my fridge for more than two weeks.

Only there was about five times as much of it (I over-pestoed and I just didn't love it). I dumped the container into my sink, turned on the water and the disposal and then proceeded to jam the pasta down the drain with a wooden spoon. All was going well until I put the last dish in the dishwasher.

First, there was a gurgle.

Then, this happened.

BOTH sides of my sink filled with water (this is much cleaner than what I first saw). I tried using a plunger. I tried the plumber's enemy, Draino (seriously, they HATE this stuff because it's an acid and can burn them when they have to get into your line). I knew I had to call in an expert.

That's Angel - the most thorough and friendly plumber. If a single girl who owns her own home can dream of a plumber, he would:

• be nice
• not lecture me about how dumb I was to cram anything down my drain
• give me a few tips
• not be creepy
• MOST IMPORTANT: not have plumbers crack (as you can see, he did not)

I told him everything I did. I was glad I did because he told me he worked on one house and a lady did not tell him Draino had been used and the water splashed back and he was burned by the stuff. She said she didn't lie - her husband had done it. Well, the plumbing company ended up filing assault charges because acid is a weapon and good God who knew my honesty could save me from a trip to jail? 

Angel cleaned the pipe, then (at no charge) sent the fancy camera on a journey down my pipes (stop giggling, perverts, I mean actual pipes not my insides). I told him not to say anything like "That's not good" because it would make me sick. I'm not made of money! I won't be replacing all of the plumbing in and under my house! But this strange underground journey did not reveal a single bit of pasta or really any food bits. The lines are in good shape! HALLELUJAH! Oh, wait. There's that bit about the bill.

So here's my $170 lesson:

1. If you have to help something get down into the drain, you should throw it in the trash.
2. Never EVER use Draino. There are non-acidic (and even green) options out there.
3. You have to drain your water heater. I know this is unrelated to the kitchen sink ordeal, but it was Angel's story about his water heater that went undrained and clogged up and then burst. 

I know I have to learn some lessons the hard way, but for crying out loud - why don't you people tell me these things before something goes horribly wrong? I'm now afraid of so many things in my house that I am almost afraid to sleep here. It's like anything inside the joint can and will kill me. Maybe not ACTUALLY kill me, but it could stress me out to the point where I'll say, "Forget it! I'm going to be a hippie who lives in a park!" And it will be all YOUR fault. You people need to teach me things!

Hoppy Easter!

In case the Easter Bunny didn't leave you a trail full of jelly beans to a basket filled with even yummier treats, I hope these cards fill you up with joy!

Week In Pop Culture

Look who's in an arm off:

Brooklyn Decker would like your attention.

Nicole Kidman is going to play Grace Kelly in a movie.

Tyler Perry says he was racially profiled.

Kim Kardashian might have a new boyfriend.

Matt Lauer isn't going away from Today any time soon.

Thank you, Beyonce, for letting me get a glimpse into your glamworld!

Jennifer Love Hewitt is still desperate.

I like Lady Gaga without makeup - even though it looks like she is getting into uni-brow territory.

I really hope Mindy Kaling's pilot makes it onto TV.

There's allegedly going to be a casting shakeup at SNL.

Mark Ruffalo is sharing too much.

Ryan Gosling is a real life superhero.

Here's some disturbing news about Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick.

I hope this new couple sticks together for a while. They're adorable!

There's Drew Barrymore's baby bump! Can you see it?

Rosie O'Donnell is selling her Miami mansion.

Ryan Seacrest likes to work.

What is James Bond without a martini?

One of the Brady Bunch is a new dad.

Here's Helena Bonham Carter almost looking normal.

Someone needs to hold a plastic surgery intervention with Lara Flynn Boyle. NOTE TO SELF: pitch plastic surgery intervention as new show to networks.

Neil Patrick Harris will host the Tony Awards again.

Rihanna wants to be Whitney Houston. In a movie, not real life. I think.

If I ever think about watching Two and a Half Men, someone remind me about this.

I'll pass on Clerks III.

I like this story about Titanic 3D.

Cameron Diaz, don't make this face around the cameras!

Mena Suvari would like you to look at her.

If this story is true, then Jaleel White is a jerk. And he's not very good at responding to these things.

Jennifer Lopez seems to know how to make her exes angry.

I don't know any of the people starring on the new In Living Color.

I'm not at all excited about The Three Stooges movie.

This Dumb and Dumber sequel is about 15 years too late.

I prefer Emma Stone to have red hair. As a blonde, it's almost like her hair is saying to Lindsay Lohan, "You WISH you had my career!"

Rihanna also has new hair.

Courtney Cox and Jenifer Aniston - friends no more?

Alec Baldwin is engaged.

Here's what people wore to the Kids Choice Awards.

Ashton Kutcher could look like Steve Jobs, but I'm not convinced he has the acting chops to play him. He should also stay away from country music people because I think they'd like to kick his ass.

Vanessa Minnillo posted this picture of herself without makeup.

Adam Levine is single.

I hope Adele is making this change because she wants to and not because of Karl Lagerfeld's mean words.

Bruce Willis has a new baby girl.

Either Mel Gibson has moments of niceness or he's trying to makeover his image here.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks Adam Sandler misses more than he hits.

Here's what the ladies wore to the ACM Awards.

Mark Wahlberg works out.

Paris Hilton might be in denial about her status as a celebrity.

Chevy Chase sounds like an old crank.

Elton John is selling one of his homes.

Here are two reasons I like Kate Winslet.

People ask Tina Fey really strange questions but she's nice enough to answer them.

Aerosmith is working on a new album.

Bobbi Kristina Brown has a job.

Here's a sequel that is totally unnecessary.

I'm Appalled, Lady Bugs!

This morning, I learned there are things that happen when you try to convince yourself that you have a green thumb. First, it means getting up and putting on something between pajamas and presentable clothes to go outside. Second, you must point a garden hose at dirty things to try to either keep things green or will them to sprout to life.Third, you interrupt nature doing what it does.

Apparently, me grabbing the hose without first looking to see if I'd be interrupting an lady bug orgy was a big mistake. Once I realized there was a cluster of 30 of the little critters, I scrambled back inside to grab a camera. They made a run for it like I was the cops busting up an underage party.

NOTE: Yes, that brown stuff is what used to be grass. It is part of my "I have a green thumb and will make my yard spring to life like there never was a drought" plan. Back. Off.


I just don't understand how those little red creatures with the word "lady" in their name could behave so whorishly! It's almost as confusing as that "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" song. Seriously, that song is CREEEEEPY. Have you ever smelled a Mall Santa? If I caught my mom leaning in to one of those, I'd knock her out, then drop her off at the loony bin where she would clearly belong.

What I've learned in the last week:

1. Don't pick up large rocks with your bare hands because you are most definitely disturbing some kind of wildlife (in my case it was a giant lizard colony that fought back by jumping off the rocks at me, forcing me to scream - BTW, thanks neighbors for checking to see if I was being eaten alive by an anaconda - JERKS). 
2. Before grabbing the garden hose (not a dirty phrase, gutterbrains), look for the lady bug orgy.
3. Lady bugs are NOT ladies. I will now call them slut bugs.
4. Don't go in the yard without a camera. There is real life happening out there and it needs better documentation.

I Have Surprised Myself

Last month, I decided to put my planting skills to the test (see post here). It's only been a few weeks, but I'm going to say I have a green thumb.

With a little love and attention (and fertilizer and water), I have a flower blooming in my little plantscape! I was so inspired by that, I went and bought more succulents to fill up planters I had that were either empty or holding dead plants that I hoped would magically come back to life.

And I was even moved to go one step further:

That is a tomato plant. I'm hoping to have so many tomatoes that I have to give them away. The reality: if I get one tomato from the plant, I'll be happy. I'd just like that one tomato to show up soon. It's so disappointing to check the plant each day and see not one little bitty green tomato. I DON'T HAVE GARDENING PATIENCE!

I will also be happy if I can find a way to keep my nosy cat from doing this every day:

He seems to feel the need to stick his giant head into everything. If curiosity really does kill the cat, this one should have died a LONG time ago.

April Movies

I usually write about the new movies I hope to see each month. However, looking over this list of new releases makes me a little sad. There's nothing that makes me excited.

Even worse: the movies look so boring I don't even feel like writing snarky comments about them.

So to not waste your time completely, I leave you with this:

You're welcome!

Hey, Fools! It's YOUR Day!

The Internet always reminds me that there are plenty of fools out there. Don't believe me? Look at the comments section on a news site. THEY'RE. EVERYWHERE.

I didn't want to let the day pass without acknowledging fools on their special day.