Thursday, April 5, 2012

I'm Appalled, Lady Bugs!

This morning, I learned there are things that happen when you try to convince yourself that you have a green thumb. First, it means getting up and putting on something between pajamas and presentable clothes to go outside. Second, you must point a garden hose at dirty things to try to either keep things green or will them to sprout to life.Third, you interrupt nature doing what it does.

Apparently, me grabbing the hose without first looking to see if I'd be interrupting an lady bug orgy was a big mistake. Once I realized there was a cluster of 30 of the little critters, I scrambled back inside to grab a camera. They made a run for it like I was the cops busting up an underage party.

NOTE: Yes, that brown stuff is what used to be grass. It is part of my "I have a green thumb and will make my yard spring to life like there never was a drought" plan. Back. Off.

I just don't understand how those little red creatures with the word "lady" in their name could behave so whorishly! It's almost as confusing as that "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" song. Seriously, that song is CREEEEEPY. Have you ever smelled a Mall Santa? If I caught my mom leaning in to one of those, I'd knock her out, then drop her off at the loony bin where she would clearly belong.

What I've learned in the last week:

  1. Don't pick up large rocks with your bare hands because you are most definitely disturbing some kind of wildlife (in my case it was a giant lizard colony that fought back by jumping off the rocks at me, forcing me to scream - BTW, thanks neighbors for checking to see if I was being eaten alive by an anaconda - JERKS). 
  2. Before grabbing the garden hose (not a dirty phrase, gutterbrains), look for the lady bug orgy.
  3. Lady bugs are NOT ladies. I will now call them slut bugs.
  4. Don't go in the yard without a camera. There is real life happening out there and it needs better documentation.
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