Friday, March 5, 2010

OMG! My TV Is Killing ME!

So, I'm trolling the Internet, looking for news (um, it's what I do for a living - yes, Perez Hilton & TMZ totally qualify as work - shut up). I stumble upon this story: "5 Surprising Ways Your TV Is Slowly Killing You." I click and wait for the page to load. I think, unless it says my TV is going to jump to life, hop out of the entertainment center and beat me silly, there's NO WAY this can be true. So, here are the five ways it will "kill me."

1. TV makes you deader.
Shocker. Sitting on your behind and staring at the boob-tube is not the same as exercise. So, I should not count reaching for the remote control as "weight lifting." I also should not count my laps during commercial breaks to the laundry/bath room as "aerobic exercise." And they throw in this scary stat: compared to people who watched less than two hours of TV a day, those who watched four or more hours a day had a 46 percent higher risk of death from any cause and an 80 percent higher risk of death due to cardiovascular disease. And that was true even among people who didn’t smoke, were thin, ate healthy diets and had low blood pressure and cholesterol.

2. TV makes you drunker.
Now you're talking! I mean, even though I must watch TV for my job ("Real Housewives" and "Kell On Earth" are research). But it says TV may make you drink more because you might be susceptible to what you watch. OK. I get that if you're young. But if you're my age and you stumble across those "Jersey Shore" douchebags fist-pounding to house music with one hand while sipping out of a plastic cup being held in the other hand, you're not going, "OMG! I'm sooo gonna go do that!" I have watched minutes of some TV shows that have made me want to drink - but not because they're doing it. It's because it's such bad television that I want to cry that I have not submitted my own script for a pilot. And then, I scream at the TV, "I could have written that and been paid a lot of money to have people wonder why they're still watching this crap!" (Oh, yeah, I'm looking at YOU "Private Practice!")

3. TV can make your kid pregnant.

Really? Because I've been hooked into marathons of "16 & Pregnant" and "Teen Mom" on MTV and it doesn't make me want a kid (and I haven't been a teenager in more than a decade). Yes, I am constantly surprised at the number of shows that depict teens either having some form of sex or dressing/dancing provocatively. And back to those "Jersey Shore" kids: yeah, they hook up everywhere, but do you want a permanent reminder for life of that spray-tanned, juiced-up, tattooed, greasy stranger? Ick. I'd hate that kid for life - as only a mother could. But I really think if more parents would talk to their kids and not let the TV do the baby-sitting/child rearing, kids would be a little smarter than the sex thing. Then again, I'd like a store to hire me to stand in the condom aisle to tell kids who are talking about how embarrassing it is to buy condoms "Then you're not ready to have sex, so skeedaddle!" Contact me if you're hiring.

4. TV weakens your bones.
Since I'm not a kid (young at heart, people), I give up here. However, I would like credit for taking multi-vitamins and eating cheese and ice cream while watching TV. Calcium builds bones. I think I saw that once in an after school special.

5. TV makes you less engaging.
Really? Because when I watch TV, I often Tweet about it (which winds up on Facebook and can spark discussion/debate). I shout at the TV. It never talks back, but I feel better. And most of my friends watch TV. We talk about it. Seems like we're engaged there, dumb study!

So, will my TV kill me? Maybe. I just hope it's in my sleep. If I saw it coming and had to fight it off, I don't know if I could live with myself if I killed the TV before it killed me. Besides, I'd have to figure out how to watch my favorite shows!
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