You Can Come To The Big Screen, But That Doesn't Mean I'll Be There

One of the best things about summer are the movies. That's right. I said it. Not the sun, sand, surf (I actually don't love those things). It's sitting in an air conditioned movie theater, paying WAY too much for candy and letting your mind wander as things go boom, scary characters make you hold your breath and silliness making you giggle.

This summer, there are plenty of good movies coming out. But I thought I'd tell you what I'm not going to see - and these are just the movies being released in June. Here goes:

Killers

Oh, that girl from "Grey's Anatomy" who was ungrateful and whiny. Can't stand her on TV or in the movies. And The Kutch - well, he plays the same guy in everything. If he gives me a character I haven't seen him play (and by that, I mean non-goofy, non-clumsy, non-romantically challenged), I might give him a chance. Not only do I NOT want to see this in the theater, I don't even want to see this on cable.

Marmaduke

I used to look forward to this on the comics pages as a kid. What was that big, silly dog up to now? When I heard they were turning this into a movie, my first reaction was, "I am SO glad I don't have kids who would force me to watch that!" Then, I heard the trailer. I was in another room and the TV was on. I heard Owen Wilson, then heard someone scream, "Marmaduke!" I looked at the TV and realized he was voicing the title role. Ugh. This movie is proof Owen Wilson is letting pot choose his movie roles for him. Guess it's either that or whore himself out to a phone company like his brother has done.

Splice

Adrien Brody is a dude I just don't get. Haven't loved him in anything. Ever. Yes, I'm a hater. This should not be news to you. A horror film - not exactly my favorite kind of movie. But this is just too much science for me. It's why I don't work in a lab. It's why I border on compulsive hand washing. It's also why I just don't want to see this. It will make me itch. It will make me keep my feet off the floor. And it will make me wonder who's sitting behind me. Pass.

The Karate Kid

Where do I start? I think Will Smith's son is cute. But this whole "let's remake a movie that drew a big crowd 20 years ago" business is getting old. As am I, but that's a whole other post. Jackie Chan? I mean, I suppose he's a  more realistic trainer than Pat Morita (though I still find myself saying, "Wax on, wax off!" every now and then). Not doing this.

Toy Story 3

Loved the first movie. Was just meh about the second one. So, now, all these years later, I'm supposed to want to see this? Look. I love cartoons - especially some of the newer ones (looking at you, "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs" and "Up"). But I suppose this movie was not made for me. It was made for kids and their parents who will hope their kids can sit through the entire thing without roaming the aisles (BTW, that is a peeve of mine. If your kid gets up, please wrangle him. Don't let him keep stepping on my feet because he thinks it's fun to run up and down the aisle. I paid to see the movie, too, you know. Full price.).

Jonah Hex

I don't even know if there's a plot to this movie. I just know that I see crazy Megan Fox and know that's not enough for me to say, "I'm there." I have my own boobs. Things blow up in this movie. People get shot. Blah blah blah.

Grown Ups

I might have seen this 15 years ago, when I thought these guys were really funny. Now, they're trying hard to bring back that magic. Unless the resurrect Chris Farley, I don't see one redeeming thing about this movie. Don't get me wrong, I will always root for Adam Sandler. I even paid to see "Funny People!" And Chris Rock's stand-up always makes me laugh. Why don't his movies?

Knight and Day

As time has passed, I've decided I like Tom Cruise in small doses. Case in point, his minor role in "Tropic Thunder." Fat suit, rapping and dancing. YEAH. That's movie magic! But I have had enough of these kind of movies. (See "Killers"). It's like they want to recreate "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" only without the sexual tension.

To prove that I'm not all about hating movies, here is a list of movies I hope to see in the theaters this month:

• Get Him To The Greek
• The A-Team
• Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work

I'm still on the fence about "Sex And The City 2." I am SURE that I love Alicia Keys' cover of "Rapture." Could be my favorite song of the summer!

So, what are you going to see? And what should I reconsider? Let me know in the comments!

R.I.P. Gary Coleman

He was just 42-years-old, likely not taller than me, but he lived a large life - even it it was somewhat troubled. You can read more about him here. Watch this video for some of his finest moments on "Diff'rent Strokes." BTW, can someone please explain why they couldn't just that "e" in "Different?"

Week In Pop Culture

This guy is your "American Idol."


Hang in there, Gary Coleman!

Big week for Alicia Keys: She's engaged AND preggers!

If this is true, I see a twist to the next James Bond film.

It looks like 50 Cent is standing in front of one of those fun house mirrors. Creepy.

Parents take note: if you abuse your kids, they'll turn into Jesse James.

Tila Tequila is pure genius. OH, also an attention whore.

The only thing The Hoff needs for Father's Day is a trip to rehab.

There's a new show coming to CBS that I might have to watch because it contains two things I ♥: dance & Paula Abdul!

I don't get it.Venus is a talented tennis player. Why is she dressing someone who has no skill?

A REAL journalist finds out the truth about Lady GaGa and her GaGa bits.

When you have a court date, don't dress like this. Also, Lindsay Lohan might be acting here.

Instead of acting in a film (which she clearly cannot do), Jennifer Aniston has taken to wearing bikinis on screen. You win, America!

Brittany Murphy's husband died of "natural causes." Someone might be a real good killer.

Forget Janet Jackson's new haircut. I can't believe she's going out with a visible bra.

Babies Are Cute...

But babies that can blow up things are even cuter!

"New Moon" Looks Better Now

I think Kristen Stewart is a horrible actress. As much as I enjoyed the "Twilight" books, the movies have made me cringe. Her inability to change her mood is annoying. When I saw this, I thought it made the movie better. Somebody better book that bunny for the next movie!

One More LOST-Related Note

I was watching Kimmel's "Aloha To LOST" online this morning (if you haven't seen it, you should and can do it right here).

While I was listening to every word that was being said - that Jimmy has some good ideas about where the show was going - I kept staring at the screen every time Jimmy was on. Look, I don't think he's handsome, so that's not it. I kept seeing this woman in a Hawaiian shirt and lei peeking over his shoulder.

Who was she? Why was she there? And why did she look a lot like Marion Ross?

Why I Will Always Love LOST

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE FINALE. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE SHOW AND THE ENDING, SO DON'T SEND ME HATE MAIL IF I RUIN IT FOR YOU. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED, SUCKA.

I'm not going to break out into "I Will Always Love You" because 1) I am a horrible singer and 2) my cat and dog would probably seek revenge by killing me in my sleep. But, I seriously love LOST. And I always will.

I am a loyal TV watcher. Once I decide to watch a show, I very rarely quit it. I have this thing where I have to find out how it ends. It's kind of a sickness. If I quit a show, I will wonder what happened to the characters, but not usually enough to watch the episodes I missed to see what happened. I'll just ask someone who watches it. Or watch the finale on line.

With LOST, I was captivated by the very first, two hour episode. I never thought it was possible to survive a plane crash on an island. Did you see it? That plane tore apart in the air and managed to land on the tiniest sliver of land - and people managed to walk away? WHAT? HOW? At the end, with Charley saying, "Where are we?" I found myself asking the same question! I decided right then, I had to know where they were and if they would get back home - and after learning about the characters I wondered if they want to go home?

Season two, brought Benjamin Linus, who used the alias Henry Gale to get to the Oceanic survivors. Not one scene with him made me comfortable. And that was the beauty of that season.

But, even in those tough seasons (I'm looking particularly hard at you number three) where I thought LOST was, well, lost, I refused to give up. The little clues dropped each week HAD to mean something. Right? RIGHT? Who would just put numbers out there, making us memorize them and look for them in nearly every scene unless they meant something?

I hung in there even during the times I wasn't sure even the writers knew where the story was going. Then, when it was announced the show would end in 2010, I thought, "YAY! Now they'll bring it to a conclusion! Every episode will answer questions and lead up to the big ending!" I wasn't just hooked. If I was a fish, I would have jumped right into the boat and said, "Put me in the cooler! I'm going home with you!" Wait. Does that make me seem like a hooker? Because I'm not. Except with TV. 

Then came season 4. They finally got off the island - well six of them anyway. Why just six? And how could they keep such a secret forever?

I knew season 5 would take me on a crazy ride. FINALLY seeing Jacob and his connection to these people was mind-blowing. Not only did he cross their paths, he touched them. They had a reason to be on that plane and on that island. Season 6 was sure to explain that.

And it did. Mostly.

Sure, there are plenty of questions left. Why wasn't Ana Lucia "ready?" Where was Walt? What happened to Ecko? But this was the first time in a LONG time (and, friends, I watch a lot of TV so I think I'm qualified to say this) that I felt like I had closure. I was crying with every flashback - every moment these characters realized they were connected in a different time. About 45 minutes into the show, I was willing them all to connect! And while watching the happenings on the island, I was telling myself none of that mattered because they would all be together again. As each character made a connection, I felt relief. They did belong together. OK, so they were dead. And it took Jack's dad to explain that? I loved that any pain they had in life was resolved in their afterlife. Not just for the father and son, but for these characters. Any wrongs they had made before their time on the island had been made right. They were all on a level playing field. Happy. Content. Peaceful.

I'm not saying I want to die by crashing into an island. But if that is my fate, as long as there are people like those in this cast, this Oceanic bunch, I'll be OK. I'll be cranky because the humidity will not make my curls any where near as nice as Kate's (think more crazy Claire). Oh, and I hate being dirty, so that sand would really annoy me. And I don't love fish, so I guess I'd go vegan (unless there's a stash of Dharma candy somewhere, then that's mine and everyone else should just back off). And I am telling you, if people start shooting arrows at me, I will be beyond angry. But if I remember LOST, then I'll know that it will all work out. Just like it did for them.

So, thank you, LOST. I knew I'd always have questions after the very last show and I hope they're never answered. I'm happy with the two and a half hours you gave me. And I'll just assume that everyone winds up happy whenever it's their time to face the music.

R.I.P., Lima Time

Jose Lima might have been the most colorful pitcher to take the mound for Houston. At the top of his game, his arm wasn't the only thing that drew fans. His personality was so much fun, it was hard not to cheer him on. He left Houston and, frankly, I lost interest in him. But after learning about his death, I thought I'd share two personal stories about him.

My first was in 1999, the Astros last season at the Astrodome. We had tickets to the game and it just happened to be my Dad's birthday (only he couldn't go, so I'm not sure if he thought his real gift was us leaving town). Before the game, we walked around and I decided to get Dad a gift - a Jose Lima CD. Back then, you could stand around one exit and get photos of the players and a few would stop and sign autographs. So, after the game, we waited in that parking area in what must have been 150 degree heat. Finally, Lima Time rolled out and I handed the CD to him and said it was a gift for my Dad. He signed it, "Happy Birthday, Dad - Lima Time." We drove home, I gave it to my Dad. He said (not a direct quote here, just going off my poor memory), "What the hell is this?" My brother and I were excited - I mean, IT'S LIMA TIME! Dad was not impressed. I don't even know if he still has the CD.

My second time was the following year. The Astros had moved into their new ballpark. I was interviewing players and saw him. He was definitely not shy. In fact, he was so comfortable, the entire time I interviewed him, he had his hands in his pants adjusting his cup. That, my friends, is the most bizarre interview I have ever conducted. I did not shake his hands. I also failed at getting him to sing a bit for me (he encouraged me to by the CD and when I told him I picked one up the year before, he thanked me). Glad my photographer kept that shot tight as I think I would have had to explain what was happening or cover the interview with video!

I have photos of both events, but that was long before the digital camera rage and I can't find them in my house. They still exist. I think. When I find them, I'll share them here.

I always thought Lima Time was fun. I wish he had been able to continue pitching well. I think this video will show a little bit of her personality and the magic that was Lima Time. I hope he singing and dancing, maybe even pitching, where ever he is now.

Week In Pop Culture

I'm starting with this video because it makes me giggle EVERY time I see it. Plus, I think it's one really good reason for that Justin Bieber kid to get a hair cut.

Barbara Streisand is sharing her design secrets.

Bret Michaels is part medical miracle, part fame whore.

Why haven't I written Lindsay Lohan's obit yet?

I think Katherine Heigl did a very nice thing here, but I'm still not interested in watching her movies.

Courtney Love should stop talking about her sex life.

I don't get the big deal about Jennifer Lopez's demands. Sounds like an average day to me.

I'm not sure rehab will help Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Not sure what Jennifer Aniston is selling here.

The Travoltas are having a baby.

This is my new reminder to wear sunblock every day.

Blake Lively has a chest. Vogue does not want you to see it.

Crazy Megan Fox is a germaphobe. She also needs a job.

The Smiths are super cute, but I could live the rest of my life without them over-sharing about their sex lives.

Get used to calling this guy "Sir."

Oh, NeNe! What have you done to your nose?

Charlie Sheen is not walking away from his TV show.

I hope there are no more Klump movies.

I don't have a crystal ball, but I'm fairly certain more people will ♥ the "Eclipse" soundtrack more than the movie. Seriously. Kristen Stewart is HORRIBLE.

Not quite sure who this actress is, but she was photographed in a bikini. You're welcome, fellas.

Less than 24-hours after being crowned Miss USA, these photos were released. Good thing it's just a beauty pageant and not a scholarship competition.

Someone, Save Me From Miley Cyrus

For the last two nights, I have had the same strange dream.

I'm sound asleep in a bedroom that looks a lot like this.

Suddenly, I hear pounding, wake up and see Miley Cyrus, pulling on the doors trying to open them. The whole time, she's screaming in her crazy meth voice, "I'm gonna KILL you!" I just sit there in bed, yelling, "Look at you! You're crazy! You're all whored out! What's wrong with you?"

Then, I wake up.

It's so bizarre, I have a hard time falling back to sleep. Sunday night, I wondered why that would happen. Then, I remember I have blogged about the Disney star and said some not nice things.

Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C

I could probably go on. But look at her.

She's dancing on a pole. At the Teen Choice Awards. I get that she's growing up and she wants her fans to see that, but there are pre-teen girls who see her grinding on the pole. What kind of example does that set? I'm not a parent, but I certainly wouldn't want my daughter looking up to Miley. 

I understand why Dream Miley is mad at me. What I don't understand is why she wants to kill me. I know people have said meaner things about her. Maybe she's threatening them in their dreams, too. I just know that Dream Miley doesn't scare me. She just confuses me. Kind of like Real Miley.

PS - The only reason I wrote this is because I'm hoping this will bring an end to the dream. If it doesn't work, I'm going to start drinking heavily before bed (again).

Facebook Is Still Creepy

I changed my relationship status last week and ever since then, the ads on the right column have just been creepy. Take a look:

Let's see... there's the guy who appears to be gay - but I can flirt with him for free. I can be matched with another single by chemistry (how do they do that - match my snark or does it involve a swabbing/blood sample?). Single dads? What could I possibly write on my FB profile that would make that ad appear? (Single dads, I'm not saying you're creepy. Just saying I don't believe a Single Moms dating site would get the same interest.)And if that's not enough for you, take a look at this ad:

Maybe I've watched a bit too much news, but this looks like a guy who would make his big TV debut on "To Catch a Predator." 

I love being able to connect with my friends and family on FB. I do not love the ads. I know they are necessary for the company to make a profit (and if they start charging, I'll leave the creepy ads and the social network without much sadness). But I'd like to opt out of the dating ads. If someone can tell me how to do that, I promise not to sign you up for any of those dating sites. 

My fingers are not crossed. 

Promise.

It's Pouring!

It has been raining at my house for six hours. Not just light rain. Heavy rain. I am hoping it will let up by the time I go to work. But I am also hopeful this will mean my yard will be a little greener - and fill out so that it will look better than this.

Week In Pop Culture

It appears Kim Kardashian's diet secret has nothing to do with that stuff she is paid to promote.

Look! Super-skinny girls can't wear everything!

I am far from a singer, but if I killed myself on "American Idol," I'd be pissed that this is the best I'd get out of that work.

Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford did their show without makeup. Is it just me or does anyone else think Kathie Lee looks a little like Mariah Carey?

I don't know if I believe there's this fight over Alex Rodriguez. He's had sex with Madonna. That's gross.

Larry King may not need that divorce lawyer after all...

I never would have thought Dennis Quaid could play Bill Clinton until I saw this.

Miley Cyrus dances the opposite of Hannah Montana with a gay dude. Shocking.

Jessica Simpson has gotten a job - playing herself. Hope she nails it! Also, she's a reader! Well, she has a Kindle and it has books on it. I cannot actually confirm she will read them herself.

Teri Hatcher now has a website offering what I can only assume are cougariffic tips.

Cynthia Nixon says the nicest things about her girlfriend.

If I meet Catherine Zeta-Jones, I'm going to pin her down and force feed her a cheeseburger.

"So You Think You Can Dance" is my summer TV candy. If you like it, too, here's some judge news.

I might have tried these.

She rocked SNL (then partied like a rock star), so why shouldn't Betty White host the Academy Awards?

Tyra Banks has written a book and mine sits 1/4 completed on my laptop. I am clearly FOF.

Oooh! Look! It's the Battle of The Attention Whores!

I have never wanted a tattoo. So, can someone please explain Amanda Seyfried's ink? And will she still want that when she's elderly?

This story makes me want to be a stage mom.

Miss USA is doing its best to make you believe beauty is more than skin deep with these sexy photos.

Maxim's Hot 100 of 2010 and I am shocked at the girl at the top of the list.

CBS lets Andy Rooney prove how out of touch he is with pop culture.

Newsweek (wrongly) writes that gays can't play straight and be successful. The lovely and talented Kristin Chenoweth sets them straight (no pun intended).

Bobby Brown is engaged and I really hope there's a reality show coming soon.

R.I.P., Lena Horne.

I Want It ALL

OK. I don't really want it ALL. That's an impossible order (and there are plenty of things I don't really want). But as a homeowner, I want a few simple things. One of them: a full, green yard. Last year's drought did a number on my yard. It was more straw than grass. So, over the last few months, I have fertilized, raked, planted seeds and carefully placed fertilized (read: stinky) dirt in patches that no longer resembled grass. If you know me, you know that I am not patient. So, when I plant seeds, I want results in days, not weeks. So when I peek into my backyard and see this, I'm a little happy, a little frustrated.

That's definite progress from the yard I had last year. But I want it to look like this: 

Instead, it reminds me of this:

That's right. I have the Cliff Clavin of yards - if his beard also includes a few weeds.

I'm Confused

These 7-year-old girls are great dancers! My question: why are they dressed like mini-whores?

Bono's 50 Today!

Week In Pop Culture

Pink is trying not to be a mean girl.

Ugh. Kristen Stewart. She is quite possibly the worst actress of all time.

James Gandolfini might be returning to HBO.

Elvis now (allegedly) died because he was all pooped-up.

The lovely Dita Von Teese nails it.

I wouldn't normally weigh-in on such an issue, but I really DO believe Kim Kardashian is a (fame) whore.

Chaz Bono is officially a mister. There's a twisted part of me that wants to know if he has a wiener.

I think that "Intervention" show needs to focus on Whitney Houston.

Some country singer is a lesbian. Her then-country singer boyfriend should have known something was up.

I don't even know what to say about this:

"Sex And The City" ladies don't always ♥ one another.

Jennifer Aniston's diet secret sounds gross.

Craig Kilborn might be returning to TV.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck attacks Erin Andrews for her costumes on DWTS, then apologizes.

A&E has the most random list of "celebrities" for reality shows: David Hasselhoff, Dee Snider & Bob Saget.

Miley Cyrus is becoming Britney Spears. I predict head shaving/pregnancy in five years.

Heidi Montag has already made plans to make her chest explode. 

Have to wonder if the people making those Hollywood Walk of Fame stars actually pay attention when making the stars.

Is it a good sign when one of a movie's stars does not like the poster?

Jimmy Fallon will host the Emmy Awards.

Kate Gosselin fans will get to see her do a full-body dry heave one more time.

Katy Perry likes people to pay attention to her. Or maybe she was trying to keep up with Lady GaGa.

Drugs did not kill Corey Haim.

Bret Michaels is out of the hospital.

Madonna just says no to airbrushing.

I would sooo watch soccer if it was played like this.

Watch what happens when a "Modern Family" star and Lady GaGa collide.

Not sure why Christina Hendricks went out with a muppet on her shoulder.

Jennifer Aniston might be on the verge of turning into a kidnapper.

Cameron Diaz apparently likes sloppy thirds.

Mariah Carey brought a few special guests to her third wedding to her young husband.

Totally believe Naomi Campbell is sorry for tossing her cell phone at people repeatedly.

Those "Jersey Shore" kids are really milking their 15 minutes. Dear God, please make it end soon.

That Johnny Weir is so cute! He thinks he can sing like Britney (Johnny, even Britney doesn't sing like Britney).

Jane Fonda gets back into her leotard.

Jessica Simpson wants to be Michelle Obama. I'm guessing Jessica should start by brushing her teeth.

If these pictures really do show James Franco is a heroin addict, I am not surprised.

R.I.P., Lynn Redgrave.

Having A "Sex And The City" Moment

And, friends, that's NOT a good thing.

Before I hopped in the shower this morning, I caught a glimpse of myself that reminded me of an episode from season five called "Luck Be An Old Lady." It was Charlotte's 35th birthday and the girls all went to Atlantic City to celebrate. Only Charlotte wasn't exactly in the mood to honor the date. Miranda gave her a deck of Old Maid cards, which made Charlotte put on her sad face. Then, she saw herself in the mirror - shower cap and all - and looked like the lady from the stack of cards. That prompted her to go to the casino all tarted up.

I tried my best to look for Charlotte as Old Maid. Couldn't find one. So, I'll share my slightly altered picture of myself this morning. I didn't dare post it untouched as I am not wearing a stitch of makeup (might still have a little bit left over from yesterday). 

I realized I may look like an Old Maid who's had a rough night, but I hardly consider myself an Old Maid. First of all, people are living to be well past 100, so my age (and Charlotte's) are hardly old. Second, I have very few maid traits. I am, like, 15 cats away from being Crazy Cat Lady.

So my picture made me sad (briefly). I know that I live a good life that has it's moments. Seriously, Lottery Gods, help a girl out! Even though that photo shows me having a pathetic moment, I am over it. Until I put on that shower cap again.

PS - Shower cap makers, could you make some that are cuter and less grandma-like? Thank you!

Oh! So THIS Is Why You Have Kids!