Monday, May 31, 2010

You Can Come To The Big Screen, But That Doesn't Mean I'll Be There

One of the best things about summer are the movies. That's right. I said it. Not the sun, sand, surf (I actually don't love those things). It's sitting in an air conditioned movie theater, paying WAY too much for candy and letting your mind wander as things go boom, scary characters make you hold your breath and silliness making you giggle.

This summer, there are plenty of good movies coming out. But I thought I'd tell you what I'm not going to see - and these are just the movies being released in June. Here goes:

Killers

Oh, that girl from "Grey's Anatomy" who was ungrateful and whiny. Can't stand her on TV or in the movies. And The Kutch - well, he plays the same guy in everything. If he gives me a character I haven't seen him play (and by that, I mean non-goofy, non-clumsy, non-romantically challenged), I might give him a chance. Not only do I NOT want to see this in the theater, I don't even want to see this on cable.

Marmaduke

I used to look forward to this on the comics pages as a kid. What was that big, silly dog up to now? When I heard they were turning this into a movie, my first reaction was, "I am SO glad I don't have kids who would force me to watch that!" Then, I heard the trailer. I was in another room and the TV was on. I heard Owen Wilson, then heard someone scream, "Marmaduke!" I looked at the TV and realized he was voicing the title role. Ugh. This movie is proof Owen Wilson is letting pot choose his movie roles for him. Guess it's either that or whore himself out to a phone company like his brother has done.

Splice

Adrien Brody is a dude I just don't get. Haven't loved him in anything. Ever. Yes, I'm a hater. This should not be news to you. A horror film - not exactly my favorite kind of movie. But this is just too much science for me. It's why I don't work in a lab. It's why I border on compulsive hand washing. It's also why I just don't want to see this. It will make me itch. It will make me keep my feet off the floor. And it will make me wonder who's sitting behind me. Pass.

The Karate Kid

Where do I start? I think Will Smith's son is cute. But this whole "let's remake a movie that drew a big crowd 20 years ago" business is getting old. As am I, but that's a whole other post. Jackie Chan? I mean, I suppose he's a  more realistic trainer than Pat Morita (though I still find myself saying, "Wax on, wax off!" every now and then). Not doing this.

Toy Story 3

Loved the first movie. Was just meh about the second one. So, now, all these years later, I'm supposed to want to see this? Look. I love cartoons - especially some of the newer ones (looking at you, "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs" and "Up"). But I suppose this movie was not made for me. It was made for kids and their parents who will hope their kids can sit through the entire thing without roaming the aisles (BTW, that is a peeve of mine. If your kid gets up, please wrangle him. Don't let him keep stepping on my feet because he thinks it's fun to run up and down the aisle. I paid to see the movie, too, you know. Full price.).

Jonah Hex

I don't even know if there's a plot to this movie. I just know that I see crazy Megan Fox and know that's not enough for me to say, "I'm there." I have my own boobs. Things blow up in this movie. People get shot. Blah blah blah.

Grown Ups

I might have seen this 15 years ago, when I thought these guys were really funny. Now, they're trying hard to bring back that magic. Unless the resurrect Chris Farley, I don't see one redeeming thing about this movie. Don't get me wrong, I will always root for Adam Sandler. I even paid to see "Funny People!" And Chris Rock's stand-up always makes me laugh. Why don't his movies?

Knight and Day

As time has passed, I've decided I like Tom Cruise in small doses. Case in point, his minor role in "Tropic Thunder." Fat suit, rapping and dancing. YEAH. That's movie magic! But I have had enough of these kind of movies. (See "Killers"). It's like they want to recreate "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" only without the sexual tension.

To prove that I'm not all about hating movies, here is a list of movies I hope to see in the theaters this month:

I'm still on the fence about "Sex And The City 2." I am SURE that I love Alicia Keys' cover of "Rapture." Could be my favorite song of the summer!

So, what are you going to see? And what should I reconsider? Let me know in the comments!
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