Oh, how I love a relevant awards show! I'm live blogging them here, updating during commercial breaks if you're one of the singles checking in on my progress (read: drinking game which works a lot like this). Let's get it started!
Jane Lynch is hosting. I adore her on Glee and in movies, so I have my fingers crossed that this will work. A musical number. ARI AND LLOYD! YAY!!! And the laugh track. Boo. RON SWANSON AND HIS MUSTACHE! YAY!!! I'm already questioning why this is on FOX. It has this odd vibe - and not like a good odd. Upping the odd factor: Jane Lynch is wearing an aluminum foil dress that make her boobs look like sock puppets. It's over and the stars are on their feet, presumably because that opening number is over.
Jane's naming celebrities. More singing, this time from "The Emmytones." If I'm not mistaken, those singers are all from TV shows. FINALLY! TROPHY TIME!!!
Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel are the first presenters. They're wrestling on the floor. Kimmel has found Fallon's speech for their category (which Fallon says will go to The Daily Show). On to the award for outstanding supporting actress in a comedy series. The winner is: Julie Bowen from Modern Family. Wow! I did not see that coming. If anything, I thought Sofia Vergara would win. It looks like Julie's dress has some tape working overtime. Seriously, if she coughs, those twins are just -BAM- popping right out! She said, "There will be gift baskets tomorrow." OOOH! Hope she has my address! I LOVE A GIFT BASKET! She said "happy anniversary" to her husband. Sweet. :)
Julianna Margulies is presenting for best supporting actor in a comedy series. Why does she have big nipple-like baubles on her dress? The winner is: Ty Burrell. I so love him on Modern Family! Sad moment: he said his dad died before he started performing. He thought his dad would be thrilled that he works with talented people and gets to learn everyday. He said his dad would ask why he wears makeup. He would say, "Dad, just think of me as a very masculine lady." And his dad would say, "I do."
Jane's sticking with that aluminum dress. She tossed to a tape of Ricky Gervais (FOX is too scared to have him live?). Ricky said he's not allowed on American soil during an awards show. He was warned he'd be edited - and he was. Now, the award for outstanding directing for a comedy series. The winner is: Michael Spiller from Modern Family. What's with the creepy guy saying weird things as winners walk to the stage? "Michael had his eyes closed in his fourth grade picture."
Zooey Deschanel and Will Arnett presented the award for outstanding writing for a comedy series. The winners are: Steve Levitan and Jeffrey Richman for Modern Family. Oh, that episode where the kids walk in on the Dunphy parents doing the deed was real. So, not so much writing, but truthing? Still funny.
Jane (still in the aluminum dress) just welcomed everyone back to the Modern Family awards. I'm OK with that!
Charlie Sheen! What! Was that planned? Applause, presumably because he's alive and not a hologram. He's presenting outstanding lead actor in a comedy series. He addressed everyone from Two And A Half Men. He said, "From the bottom of my heart, I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoming season. We spent eight wonderful years together and I know you will continue to make great television." Not convinced. He should work on that serious actor bit. The winner is: Jim Parsons from The Big Bang Theory. Oh. I don't watch that show, but really wanted Steve Carrell to win for his final season of The Office.
Sofia Vergara and Rob Lowe are the next presenters. Could there be a prettier couple of presenters? They're giving away the prize for outstanding lead actress in a comedy series. When they announced Amy Poehler as a nominee, she took the stage. Melissa McCarthy did the same. Martha Plimpton followed suit, as did Edie Falco, Tina Fey (who looks great considering she just had a baby a few weeks ago) and Laura Linney (who might be wearing pajamas). They all held hands like they were in a pageant. So far, this is the funniest bit of the show! Standing ovation from the audience. Rob Lowe said, "Girls, everyone is a winner and I know you're going to go on to serve this body with distinction." The winner: Melissa McCarthy! They gave her a crown and some flowers. I don't watch Melissa's show, Mike and Molly, but I loved her in Bridesmaids. Melissa was crying, which made my eyes a bit misty - love that sincere moment.
Funny video clip showing other actors crashing The Office.
It's on to the reality/variety part of the evening (one-third of the show is history!). Jane's in a maroon-ish colored dress now.
Kaley Cuoco and David Spade presented the award for outstanding reality competition program. The winner is: The Amazing Race. Oh, you don't know how happy I am Toddlers and Tiaras is not included in this category. That's the kind of show that makes me hate television. Never watched this crazy race show as it's usually up against scripted shows I'd rather watch. But, good for them!
Now, they're presenting the award for outstanding writing for a variety, music or comedy series. The winner is: The Daily Show. YAY! Not that I don't love the other shows, but this one consistently makes me laugh four nights a week (when it's not in reruns). There are shenanigans happening behind the guy reading a silly speech.
The Lonely Island and Michael Bolton performed dressed like waiters. Then, Bolton was dressed like a pirate. Ed Helms, Maya Rudolph and John Stamos performed one of The Lonely Island's songs. Then, the boys freaked Bill Macy and chanted USA. Akon sang next. In case you didn't catch it, they were all performing songs nominated for an Emmy, it wasn't some random music break.
Lea Michele and Ian Somerhalder presented the award for outstanding directing for a variety, music or comedy series. The winner is: Don Roy King of Saturday Night Live.
Scott Caan and Anna Paquin presented the award for outstanding variety, music or comedy series. The Daily Show has won this eight years in a row (WOW!). The winner is: The Daily Show. Jon said, "If the world does need to repopulate, the announcing team of Sofia Vergara and Rob Lowe would make very pleasant children."
We've reached the drama categories now. If this is where we find out who really killed Rosie Larson, I'm gonna be pissed.
Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher are the next presenters. As awkward and unfunny as they are, I can't wait to not watch their show. They're presenting the award for outstanding writing for a drama series. The winner is: Jason Katims for Friday Night Lights. SUPER nice to see this little show get some Emmy love.
The award for outstanding supporting actress in a drama series goes to: Margo Martindale of Justified. She almost crawled up the stairs! She's very emotional. Breathless. Crying. Screeching. I imagine this is how I'd behave if I suddenly won an award. I don't know who she is, but I hope she wins something else (or at the very least winds up on a show that I watch).
Loretta Devine and Paul McCrane presented outstanding directing for a drama series. The winner: Martin Scorsese for Boardwalk Empire. Well, good for him! He probably has to clear off room on his trophy shelf for this. I cannot believe he did not let his eyebrows do the speech.
Kerry Washington and Jason O'Mara presented the award for outstanding supporting actor in a drama series. The winner is: Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones. Can someone check this: is Peter the first vertically challenged guy to win this award?
Uh oh. Storm has made me lose my Dish Network. Stand by.
Now, it's rebooting. Screen says it should take no more than 5 minutes. I'm searching the interwebs to see what I'm missing.
I don't know who presented the award for outstanding lead actress in a drama series, but I do know Juliana Margulies won for The Good Wife.
Still no satellite signal, but I am super happy Kyle Chandler won outstanding lead actor in a drama series for Friday Night Lights!
OK. Back in business. Confession: I just spent 30 seconds yelling at my TV and falsely accusing the local FOX station for losing audio before I remembered I muted the TV.
Almost finished - in the movies and miniseries segment now. OOH! LL Cool J!!!
Jane Lynch is in some sort of gold/green dress.
The cast of Entourage presented the award for outstanding writing for miniseries, movie or dramatic special. Again, another bit that was not funny. Seriously, who wrote this show? Don't bring them back again! The winner is: Julian Fellows for Downton Abbey. British guy talking about something I haven't seen. ZZZZ.
The award for outstanding supporting actress in a miniseries, movie or dramatic special goes to: Maggie Smith for Downton Abbey.
Paula Abdul and Jane Lynch are dressed in suits with glasses, posing as accountants - because this is clearly the part of the show where we remind kids that nerds can be stars, too.
Melissa McCarthy and Amy Poehler presented the award for outstanding lead actor in a miniseries, movie or dramatic special. Maybe these two should host something? HELLO, HOLLYWOOD! YA LISTENING? The winner is: Barry Pepper for The Kennedys. Barry wasn't there.
The award for outstanding directing in a miniseries, movie or dramatic special goes to: Brian Percival for Downton Abbey.
The chairman of the television academy of arts and sciences took the stage. Nothing like seeing someone who bosses people from behind the scenes read from the teleprompter and try to show a hint of personality. OK. Snark is going away. It's the In Memoriam part of the show. These segments always make me sad - not just because I miss some of these people but also because I forget they just died this year (that's a knock on my slipping memory - not them).
Anna Torv and David Boreanaz presented the award for outstanding supporting actor in a miniseries or movie. The winner is: Guy Pearce for Mildred Pierce. WHAT!?!?! I LOVE HIM! I am so happy he's won something! It reminds me that he's Australian. He said he got to have sex with Kate Winslet many times, then said he got to "insert himself into Mildred." Oh, he's funny, too!
Hugh Laurie and Claire Danes presented the award for outstanding actress in a miniseries or movie. I like that they got right down to it (with the exception of naming former winners), sparing us of the lame, forced banter. The winner is: Kate Winslet for Mildred Pierce. Oh, good! Her performance was the only one I had seen, but I thought it was absolutely award-worthy! She better be careful - that dress is fighting to keep her cleavage in check. Kate said you never stop needing your mom and thanked her mom.
I admire Jane Lynch for her acting skills. You don't get to host a super lamely written show with a smile on your face if you aren't good.
Don Cheadle presented the award for outstanding miniseries or movie. I love him. The winner: Downton Abbey.
Maria Bello and William H. Macy presented the award for outstanding drama series. The winner is: Mad Men. YAY! Now, hurry up and get here, 2012, so I can remember how much I love you! That Suitcase episode might be the best hour of television I've ever seen. More of that, please!
Gwyneth Paltrow presented the award for outstanding comedy series - WITHOUT PROMPTER, Y'ALL! The winner is: Modern Family. Wow! They just couldn't lose tonight! Can't wait for that show to return this week with it's hour-long season debut! It is one of my favorite ensemble casts - ALWAYS a hit!
One final note: Whoever decided to have an announcer make stupid attempts at jokes about the winners as they walked to the stage should be banned from ever participating in an awards show. I assume that person also signed off on the scripted banter between presenters that was more miss than hit. That person should go to some awards shows that don't matter - like those at MTV - to brush up on skills before playing with the big boys.
Closing it out with my favorite red carpet Emmy pic: