I love you. Really. I do. The fact that you're reading this gives me warm fuzzies.
But can we talk?
Seriously. Put your phone down so we can chat.
But this is not why we're here.
I'd like to make a few simple requests to keep the peace. Note: by "keep the peace," I mean "keep me from murdering you.
I have a silly ring tone. Most of you will never hear it. Know why? Because when I leave the house, I turn off the ringer. I don't want to torture a restaurant, store or my co-workers with my singing phone. But you? You don't seem to mind that the rest of us have to sit through beeps, bells or the latest Rihanna song for an entire cycle because you are nowhere near your phone when it rings. What's worse than not being near your ringing phone: letting it ring while it sits in front of you. If you're screening calls, that's fine. Just turn that phone off. When you have it at maximum volume and you let it ring until the caller hangs up or the voicemail takes charge, that's not just rude. It's super rude!
Even if you have an non-smart phone, it like has a vibrate switch. Look for it now. I'll wait.
Found it? Good. Use it. Or I'll lose it.
Eyes Up Here
Now, this one is a toughie. I sometimes find myself glancing at my phone during an actual conversation. But let's all make an effort to put the phones down when we're talking. I always feel like I'm not important when someone glances at his/her phone during our conversation. I am trying not to glance at my phone when it lights up to tell me about a text/e-mail/Facebook/Twitter update. It's not easy. It's become my crutch.
I'll make this promise: I won't do it when I genuinely want to hear what you have to say. If you don't have my full attention, it's my way of quietly telling you how I feel. Of course, you'll only know my truth if you're still reading this. Otherwise, it's our little secret. ;)
Oh, Hush! Keep It Down Now! Voices Carry!
Note: I am so proud of myself for finally working a 'Til Tuesday reference into this blog! Yay, me! When you're on a cell phone, they actually have fantastic little microphones in them. When you shout at your cell phone, you're shouting at me - even if we're not on the phone. I don't want to hear about your baby mama/daddy drama. I don't want to know who some stranger slept with (unless it's someone I know, then I'm all ears). I don't want to know anything about your business - personal or otherwise - unless we're talking face to face. If you're in a room and it's too noisy, step outside - and I mean outside (not in the hall), have your conversation and then rejoin us. If you can't do this, I might just start blogging/tweeting your side of the conversation while imagining what's happening on the other end. Note: I'm REALLY good at this. Ask Trevor. I recreate the final minutes of "Private Practice" without hearing the end of it.
You're Taking That WHERE?!?
I will make small talk with you when we walk into the ladies room or while we stand in line. However, if you bring a third party into the ladies room (and it rings/vibrates), I might just knock slap you both. The potty is no place for talk. That's hard for me to say as I do have potty mouth tendencies. But when you start having a conversation on the phone while I'm trying to pee, it makes me want to make a fuss. I really wish I could command myself to vomit/have explosive diarrhea just to blow the cover of those ladies who talk on the toilet. I will make one exception: if you're caught in an emergency, please call 9-1-1. No emergency? Wait until you wash your hands and walk out of the ladies' room. Also, if you're a toilet talker, please let me know before you let me use your phone.
If we can all follow these little suggestions, the world will be a nicer place. Well, at least I'll be a little less ragey. Isn't that what it's all about?