Nicole's World: jersey shore

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Stop Messing With Texas!

CONFESSION: I am a reality TV junkie. This many not be news to all of you, but it's the truth. I'd swear on Rick Perry's hair that there isn't a reality show that I haven't at least watched 30 seconds of in the last few years. But I have to draw the line. The cable networks have gone too far.

When it was about California, I was all, "OOOH! Pretty blondes! Drama! Bad acting! So awful, I can't help but watch it!" I mean, how could you not snicker at these shows?

I could even count that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey marriage curser, which proved blondes may have more fun but they can't tell tuna from chicken. It's all brain candy. And pretty.

And then, the networks seemed to be all about New Jersey.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious - could they make New Jersey look more orange? Could they show me more fights? Can I really see more fake boobs on the East coast than the West coast? Are those dresses or shirts (PS - that's one of my favorite shopping games)? It almost made me want to take a vacation to New Jersey so I could count the stereotypes I had come to recognize from television.

HA! I thought. That's SO not Texas.

And then they came for us.

Big hair, I get. But these people (who appear to be rich, though we know in Texas there's a chance some of them might be thousandaires while giving the impression that they're millionaires) act just like the casts of the shows in California: bratty, whiny, self-absorbed and, well, any other word you could use to describe the jerks from the other shows.

So, I'd like to clarify a few things:

If Texas ever seceded and became five different states, Dallas-Fort Worth would become its own state. Not since the fictional TV show, Dallas, has the metroplex had such an indulgent image that happens to come with cattle all around.
Speaking of... We don't all own cattle. We don't all ride horses. In fact, a lot of us don't live on ranches. If you come to Texas and want to make people watching a drinking game, you should choose to drink every time you see us in a gas guzzler instead of on a farm animal. You will be hammered before you get to your hotel.
You can really stretch a buck in Texas. If you're impressed by the houses here, know that you'd probably have to add a zero to the end of the price to make it comparable in California or New Jersey. Don't be fooled by that.
We don't all intentionally have big hair. In my neck of Texas, we have humidity. If you are lucky to live in a humidity-free climate, enjoy the good hair days because it makes my hair grow like some creepy horror film character. I'd like my hair to behave, so I fight it's rebellion with a pony tail. It fights back when I sleep. To keep my hair from getting the upper hand, I refuse to take a picture of it. That's how the hair wins.

I will say there is a whole lot of drama in Texas - and a whole lot of curiosity about this great state. I understand why reality show producers are interested in showing that. But I'd like a little disclaimer on this and, to be fair, all reality shows that it does not entirely reflect the state/city - that it's just a glimpse into the lives these people chose to put on camera. After all, they've learned from California and New Jersey that fighting, cattiness and tears bring reality fame.

That, y'all, is not what makes a Texan lovable. But it might make him/her a few bucks to blow on some tacky boots.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

On The Twelfth Day Of Tweepmas...

Twitter gave to me ... Snooki!

Don't let appearances fool you. From the fake eyelashes to the fake tan, this girl from MTV's Jersey Shore keeps it real on Twitter. I mean, you don't get nearly a million followers if you're not legit - right? Here are twelve things I learned from this girl (also named Nicole, BTW).

From what I have seen on that reality show, this seems to be the usual night out. Not judging. One day, Snooki will be 30 and WHAM! Booze is mean to you.

Awesome. She's a published author. If I never get a book published I will hate myself. And every publisher. But I can't wait to pick this up at the book store and snoop through it before someone sees me!

Is the urge to fight inanimate objects a Nicole thing? Or do you non-Nicoles have these feelings, too?

It's true. Try it.

I'm assuming that she's talking about her hair and that "poof" is not some Jersey slang for lady bits. I'm from Texas. I like the big hair.

I gotta hand it to Snooki. She's a hustler. Not only did she write a book, she's got a slipper line and (according to her Twitter feed) is working on a sunglasses line, too. Good for her! I just hope she doesn't spend all her money on poofs and spray tans. Those things aren't forever.