Tuesday Funny

This is for my friends who love "The Office."

Get a giggle at Angela & Andy's Official Wedding Site.

Meredith's Sex and the Electric City is also funny.

Not to go against the Scentsy people, but... Serenity by Jan does offer some, um, different candles.

Follow Dwight's rules on Schrute-Space.

And he may be creepy, but you can get some insight at Creed Thoughts.

There are your timewasters of the day.

It Could Happen To You

So, you're on the beach, exposing your nearly translucent parts to the sun, and all of a sudden you're star struck!

That looks like... No, it can't be... Is it???? Brad Pitt?!?! OH MY GOSH! Brad FREAKING Pitt just walked past me! AND he smiled!

Then, a few days later, the photo proof:Uh-oh. Nice picture of Brad, not so nice picture of lady in a bikini with belly bulge hanging out.

I do this not to poke fun at the gal who dared to wear a two piece with that body. I do it because it could be any one of us. It would be just my luck that the one time I get to meet a Pitt or a Clooney it's when I'm out without makeup, curls that have settled into their own style and stained clothes.

Two options: accept that as reality or resolve to never EVER leave the house without looking in such a way that I would not be mortified to see my photo in a magazine.

Just food for thought.
[photo via Us Magazine]

Boo!

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I haven't been feeling well. I'm still not feeling well, but I'm hoping to get in to the doctor for the full work-up soon to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. The cold that has made me phlegmy is the superficial problem. I just have a feeling something is wrong as things are certainly off. I'm not usually the type to believe things like this - though I do tend to have a cloud of doom in my bag of tricks. Fingers crossed that this feeling is way off. I will keep you posted. And I will try to post more next week.

Sad Times

Ever since I watched that Planet Earth series, I've tried to be more aware of what I'm doing to the planet. I haven't taken any drastic steps, just baby ones (I mean, have you seen how much solar panels cost???). Still, they're steps.

I don't care if you believe man contributes to global warming - or if you don't believe in global warming at all - or if you think it's just God hugging is closer (thank you, Tina Fey). But you can't deny something is going on. Case in point: the polar bear.

In the series, it was devastating to watch the polar bear swim to its own death in search of food. The shrinking ice sheets make it hard for the bears to take a break, as the ice either won't support them or the bears can't reach the ice in time.

Then, I see this headline: Polar bears resort to cannibalism as Arctic ice shrinks. It makes me want to cry real tears. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but I just can't imagine a world without those big, beautiful bears in it.

Enough, People!

I live in South Texas, where a little legend known as "The Chupacabra" gets people all excited. If you've never heard of it, read about it here.

While it's a ratings getter (that's TV speak), I am not a believer. At least not with the critters I've seen. It's usually some dog or coyote with a nasty case of mange. Then, just minutes ago, I spotted this:
It was captured in an Austin attic. Looks like a nasty raccoon. And it kinda makes me want to throw up.

NOT A CHUPACABRA, PEOPLE.

It's Weird, But I Like It

Those rings have some pretty special ridges. They're actually fingerprints!

Those of you who know me may recall I have a list of bad ways to die. Basically everything on that list includes me knowing my death is imminent. I want to go in my sleep - no pain, no fear.

Back to the rings...

I've always wondered if there's some way of making it easy for police to identify my body should I ever be dumped somewhere. I think I've found a way! Now the site that sells these rings is in Britain, so someone will need to do the conversion for me (I've never really understood, just always paid in dollars, getting a pocket full of native currency in return).

Creepy or cool? I vote for cool. I also like these pieces of art made from your own DNA or fingerprints. See, then there'd be another way for the po-po to ID me!

So Sweet

Saturday, I had the privilege of attending Laura & Jon's wedding. I say it's a privilege because just knowing this couple is such a joy! These two are the among the world's sweetest, kindest people.

Their wedding was just perfect - and fun! Then, the reception was held at this cute little ranch. They had these little boxes at each seat filled with M&M's with their names and the date of the wedding. I brought my camera in hopes of snapping a few pictures of the couple and our friends. However, when I finally decided to start taking pictures, they dimmed the lights and that made it hard for me to take a good picture (despite my little flash).

Here's the best one I took of Laura & Jon:

I know people often say you can tell a couple is meant to be together. But these two truly are soul mates. They compliment each other well. I look forward to watching grow from newlyweds to an old married couple - oh, and parents, too (no pressure).

Friendly Tip

Every day in my inbox I get the "Urban Word of The Day." It's a slang term that is sometimes new to me. Today's word(s): Desk Rage.

If you've never heard of it, here's the definition:

The peak of office employee stress levels which ultimately starts with the screaming of vulgar language within the workplace. It can often times lead to assaulting fellow employees, abusing office equipment and/or stealing of company property, abusing sick days and ultimately poor production at work. A possible side effect is that the employee continues to take out his or her rage at their residence in the form of kicking small animals and drinking heavily.

And here it is in a sentence:

With my pending at work and the amount of people calling me each day I'm on the brink of desk rage and one day I'm going to break and take it out on that weird guy that sits next to me.

I confess I've succumbed to four of the eight rage symptoms. Can you guess which ones? I'm not proud of it. Here's the deal: as long as there are stupid people who continue to be employed or somehow know how to drive, call or find me, I just can't help myself.

The more you know...

Two Links

I'm sharing two links tonight.

One is political. Before your eyes glaze over and you skip it, let me tell you, it's the best story I've read about actual change from the candidates. Here it is.

This one is about music and your brain. It explains a little about why songs get stuck in your head and what happens when you listen to music, among other things.

See? I'm not just here to make snarky comments on things. I'm actually informing you people about things.

You're welcome.

Don't Even Think Of Using My Post-Its!

I'll give you a post-it here or there, but if one were to take mine and do something like this I'd be mad - for just a second, then I'd be amazed.

Did You See These Jerks?

Crazy Hurricane Ike

First the story:

WEST ORANGE, Texas (AP) -- Forget hooks.

The storm surge from Hurricane Ike through East Texas left behind a grotesque display of fish caught in an unusual manner.

Dozens of fish ended up dead, stuck headfirst from a chain-link fence in West Orange.

The fish, 8-10 inches long, appeared too large to get through the fence around a flooded home.

Some of the dead fish were suspended in the apparent act of swimming and were still hanging Monday from the 4-foot-high fence.

Ike slammed the Gulf coast along Galveston early Saturday.

Dead fish continued to litter residential streets and grassy areas of West Orange, a town of 3,800 located 110 miles northeast of Houston.

Sarah Blohm of Orange, who was at a hurricane aid distribution point Monday, said there is a lot of debris and "there are fish everywhere."

Texas National Guard Sgt. Albert Ramirez, based in Dallas, looked at the fish stuck in the fence and described it to The Associated Press as "kind of different."

Orange Mayor Brown Claybar, 57, says he's lived in the community his whole life and has never seen anything like all the dead fish scattered in the area.

"I've always told folks we have good fishing around here," said Claybar, with a chuckle.

He noted that the area is on the rebound from 2005's Hurricane Rita.

"Who would have thought in three years -- we would have two 100-year storms," the mayor said. "We've never had a storm surge like this."

A couple of miles from the fence, at an intersection in an industrial area near Adams Bayou, the road was covered with thousands of dead fish.

Some of the decaying creatures were large, including 3-foot-long redfish.

Jarvis Buckley, who rode out Ike in his house, lives down the road from where the fish uncharacteristically coated the intersection.

Buckley says he had to remove an eel and an alligator from his yard. He has lived in the Orange area since 1959 and has never seen anything like it.

"I've lived here and I love to live here. I've got friends here, but I'm seriously considering relocating," Buckley told AP, as he and a friend used a golf cart to check out the fish in the road.

Now here's the picture:

You Probably Missed It

But Tina Fey was dead-on as Sarah Palin. See for yourself here.

Hurricane Update

Good news!

Everyone I know who was in Ike's path is OK. They've got damage. They're waiting for the power to come back on. But they're OK!

I would help with the cleanup, but I'm afraid of lawn equipment, especially chainsaws. I have a hedge trimmer and I'm kind of scared to use it. I just hope everyone's careful getting around all that debris!

Hurricanes Are No Laughing Matter

Unless you see a person in a bear costume walking the beach while a reporter is likely talking about how dangerous it is.



And as I write this, I am listening to someone who was in Galveston and said he didn't leave because "I didn't think it was going to be that bad."

Seriously, people. When the National Weather Service says if you stay you will risk CERTAIN DEATH, that does not mean you should try to ride out the storm. Ever. That warning is not issued with every hurricane. At some point, people who have made it through small storms will learn to get out of harm's way. And know that if you stay behind after such a dire warning, you lose my sympathy. You were given plenty of notice and chose to take your own life into your own hands. You cannot predict Mother Nature's fury. You should NOT risk your life to protect your home. That can be replaced. Human life cannot.

Consider me your Debbie Downer du jour.

I'm Suing!

Pamela Anderson has stolen my catchphrase. Next thing you know, she'll be offering up knuckle sandwiches (meat-free, of course). You know what she can do...

Ike Will Scare The You-Know-What Out of You!

As a girl who has spent most of her life along the Texas coast, I have to say this woman must either be

a) stupid
b) a tourist who has never seen tropical weather
c) suicidal
d) all of the above

Have people learned NOTHING from the lessons of Hurricane Katrina, in which more than 1,000 people lost their lives - mostly because they did not get out of the freaking way???

Here's my advice if you ever want to get an up-close look at a hurricane: watch from a distance. Don't get in the water - it's much stronger than it appears. Storms are best seen in your rear view mirror. I know it seems a little hypocritical since people in my line of work are out in the extreme conditions - but, hey, we do it so you don't do something stupid. Let us handle it. We know when to get out of harm's way. You daredevils clearly have no idea who you're messing with. Mother Nature is much stronger than yours truly. Even I get the message: back off the coast when I'm about to dump several feet of water on you dummies.

Speechless

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

Oh, Ike...

You're naughty.

You created quite a panic in South Texas, and now you've given us the middle finger as you eye another part of the state. I'm sure you'll throw something our way, but I ask that you be kind to my friends and family in the Houston area.

Oh, and I have a note to you non-TV people who are reading this. Please do not call your local television station and ask us what you should do. We are here to present the facts. It is up to you to decide if you should board up and leave your home. At the very least, have the basic supplies (you can see the list here). We cannot tell you to leave or to stay. You should have a plan - from when to go and where. Don't wait until it's too late!

Hello, Readers!

If you read my blog regularly, or if you've just stumbled on it, follow me! Let me know you're interested in what I have to say! And if we're strangers, introduce yourself in the comments section.

Remember 9/11

Never, never, NEVER forget this day. Our country was forever changed by a group of terrorists who decided to attack America with commercial airplanes. The 2001 attack killed 2,973 innocent people.

I remember that day well. I was sick. I watched the coverage for hours, then wished for the channels to stop carrying the horrific images. It took a long time for things to calm down, though our way of doing things has not been the same since.

For starters, air travel is much more complicated. You can't take a bottle of water with you - unless you buy it after you've passed through security. You have to take off your shoes at the checkpoint and must walk on some floor people with nasty feet have stepped on. You can't say bomb. You can't knit on the plane, let alone pluck your eyebrows - those tools needed are weapons!

I haven't forgotten about the biggest change of all: WAR.

I was totally on board when the President said our troops needed to go after al Qaeda. I was like, "Yeah, get those jerks who attacked us!" Then, when he said our troops were needed in Iraq, where Saddam Hussein had WMD, I was all, "Um, OK. Saddam's a bad dude. Get him." Then, no WMD's, Saddam was captured while Osama bin Laden - a frail man who's 8 feet tall - managed to elude the best special operatives, presumably in the mountains of Afghanistan, but could very well be anywhere in the world. And the most troubling part of all this: more American men and women have died in Iraq than in the 9/11 attacks. True - read it here.

War is ugly. Is it necessary? Sometimes. I admire all those people, especially those who answered the call to serve after 9/11 - knowing the war they'd be fighting was different than one troops had previously fought. They probably had no idea they'd still be at it seven years later. I hope they come home soon. I don't consider their mission accomplished - OBL is still out there, after all - but I do consider it a worthy show of strength by our great nation. We have not been attacked on our own soil since that tragic day. That has to say something.

Ike Is Out To Get ME

Maybe not just me. But this hurricane has its sights on Texas, and that could wreck the next few days for me.

My family is also on alert. Not everyone is leaving the coast and that makes me a little nervous. I don't like the idea of them sitting in the house waiting out the storm. We've done it in years past, but it's never had the potential to be this big of a storm. Now, if they get word that Ike will be a category 5, it could be too late for them to leave - they could be stuck in traffic. And that is the LAST place anyone should be when a hurricane starts approaching land. Luckily, rank has its privileges. Instead of being out on the streets, my dad will be working out of the EOC, so he should be safe there. Hopefully he'll be able to get out of there and can make it home OK so my mom and fursister aren't home alone when the storm hits.

Then, there's my little family here. I worry about my furkids being safe while I'm at work. I can only hope we get some rain with a little bit of wind. I am going to bring in everything off my back patio so it doesn't come crashing into the house.

And my friends and co-workers who will be out in the storm are also on my mind. I'll be working in a building with few windows, but sometimes leaks like someone has peeled open the roof. I know our crews who will be out covering the storm know how to prepare for it and to get out of the way when the time is right.

So the ideal situation? Ike makes landfall in a sparsely populated area full of trees and brush and weakens before it reaches people. I wouldn't wish this storm to go to Louisiana or anywhere east of there. They just can't handle the rain. Maybe it's Katrina on my mind, but I just hate to think of a storm having such power that it could put those I care about in danger.

That said, I'm trying not to think too much about that stuff. Just focus on the smaller tasks - for now.

I'm So Tired

And I can't sleep.

No matter what I do, this adorable kitten of mine has decided I must be awake.

He pounces on me in my sleep. If I lock him out of the bedroom, he cries. LOUDLY.

He woke me up three times overnight. The last time, at 7:15, I just got up. Now, it's too late to go back to bed. I guess I'll just need to load up on caffeine so I can get through the day.

I'm hoping to keep Chaplin from being nocturnal. I keep waking him up when he goes to sleep.
Any other ideas???

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Last night, my brother came over for dinner and TV time. I cooked a good meal, then decided to make some cookies for dessert.

Everything was going well. The cookies were coming out nice and brown without charred bottoms. Then, one of the little treats refused to slide off the spatula. I gave it a little help, then heard a sizzle. When I pulled my hand away, I realized that sound was a piece of chocolate on my left thumb.

My brother was impressed I did not utter a single expletive. I was clearly in shock! I immediately grabbed some ice, which might have helped it. Right now, it's just a (very sore) red mark. I'm hoping it doesn't turn into a big, nasty blister. Only time will tell...

How About A Little Music?

Cultural Constipation

That's what I read about in the current Entertainment Weekly (Brenda & Kelly on the cover - YAY!).

So what is it?

If you have a DVR of any sort, you likely have experienced this. It's when you wind up with hours of shows and you keep skipping over them, or just letting them mock you every time you check the recordings and see them sitting there, daring you to watch.

However, it doesn't just apply to that electronic device. Do you subscribe to a service like Netflix? I once had a movie at home for more than four months. I'm the dream subscriber - I'll keep a movie until I feel like watching it. Movies, like TV shows, have to impress me or I'll press delete/eject and be done with them.

I have the same problem with books. My nightstand looks like a miniature library. Between the books (some of which I bought even AFTER I told myself I wasn't allowed to buy books until I finish what I have) and the magazines, I'm always reading something.

So what's the cure for cultural constipation? More fiber? More days in the week? A sugar daddy whose money would allow me to quit my job and devote 8-hours a day to getting some (pop) culture?

I see my Netflix queue, all 447 movies ready to be shipped, and I don't see it as ridiculous. I like to think I'm a good case of mono away from putting a dent in that list. If I win the lottery, I can watch movies all day for weeks with a house full of servants catering to my every need.

It's a dream, people. I have stuff to do. My furkids make messes. They need attention and walks. I have to sleep, though I'm not quite tired at this crazy hour. I have to work (how else am I to keep the kids fed and entertained?). Some day, I will get it all done. And then I will die. Happily.

So, God - or whomever has that power - don't come for me until I've done everything and I'll try to do something nice, like not maybe go a whole day without making a threat to someone (especially hard if I have to drive to work, but I'll at least try).

Just Sayin'

Not The Best Way To Get Your Message Out

Protesters took to the streets just outside the RNC. Look at them. I'm supposed to take them seriously because...

New 90210

OK. I watched all two hours of the new 90210. Here are my thoughts:

• Loved that it started with the new outsider family, "The Wilsons," rolling into Beverly Hills in the minivan, only to be met by grandmother who was tipsy and upset that a worker had parked their clunker in front of her home.
• Seeing Kelly, Brenda and Nat (yes, Shea, Nat was available for the new show!) was not at all odd. It was like ten years passed and they were still doing their thing (very nice).
• It was a little weird to see Andrea's daughter reading the news, Kelly & David's sister (who goes by her last name, Silver) being super cruel (a la Kelly in the early years), and Kelly's son (daddy unknown, though she did talk to him on the phone). I suppose this leaves it open for Andrea, David, Dylan or Brandon to return. Where's Steve?

Overall, the show wasn't awful. I actually might have really liked it if there weren't commercials every five minutes. Even though it was billed as a 2-hour debut, it was more like and hour and 15 minutes - that's a LOT of commercials. I'll give it a few more weeks to decide if I'm too old for this. I suppose it's kind of like "The Hills." Only I know the whole show is scripted.

Did you watch? Thoughts???

We're Not All Like This

I'm all for showing a little Texas pride, but, REALLY?
THIS is how Republicans from my Great State choose to represent? In big ol' hats and matching shirts. Clones.

This just fuels the stereotypes of Texans. If you've never met any of us, allow me to break some myths.

• We do not all wear cowboy hats and boots every day.
• Not all of us own cows and horses and live on ranches.
• We have not forgotten that our State can secede from the Union, though it's a slim minority that fights to do so.
• We are not all fans of country music.

There are many more things that just aren't true. But I will leave you with this: just because we don't look like those yahoos, that doesn't mean we don't love Texas. Trust me. If you mess with Texas, we'll hunt you down and give you a good ol' butt whippin'.

Wanna try us?

The State Fair Will Kill You!

That is deep fried bacon, served with your choice of ranch or honey mustard dressing. It's the latest deep fried fare to join the menu at the State Fair of Texas.

You'll also find:

• fried banana split: battered and fried balls of banana and honey peanut butter, caramel, chocolate and ice cream
• fire & ice: a battered and fried pineapple ring covered with banana-flavored whipped cream frozen in liquid nitrogen, covered with strawberries and syrup
• chocolate covered strawberry waffle balls: the berries are covered in a chocolate shell, dipped in waffle batter, fried, covered in powdered sugar and served on a stick
• fried chocolate truffles: dark chocolate truffle covered in cocoa powder, battered, fried, dusted in cinnamon, sugar and cocoa powder
• deep fried s'mores: marshmallow cream and chocolate chips between graham crackers, battered, fried, dusted in powder sugar
• fried Jelly Belly: the jellybeans are battered and fried
• fried grilled cheese sandwich: cheese, two pieces of bread, battered, fried, sprayed with butter
  

For fun, watch the video with this story to see what the judges have to say. Is it wrong that I'm a little grossed out AND a little hungry just looking at them?

Is There Kitty Daycare?

My kitten is crazy. I pretty much just like him when he's sleeping. All morning, I have been picking up after him. He has pulled things out of the pantry - even though the door is closed. He likes to take a mouth full of food, drop it on the table, then eat half of it before going back into the bowl and repeating. He scattered catalogs all over my office. He pushed bills off my desk. He has knocked over a lamp - twice. He has used every ounce of his little kitten strength to pull Charley's toys out of the box. When I got out of the shower, he jumped in and knocked over everything in his reach.

That was Monday before 11:30. We have only been awake since 8AM.

I am asking about kitty daycare because I think he needs to do more than wrestle with Charley. As I type this, he has settled down on the sofa for a nap. He's cute. I still don't forgive him for this daily knucklheadedness. Do they make those gerbil wheels in cat sizes? I'm open to suggestions on how to wear him out and keep him out of trouble during the daytime.

Luckily, he hasn't learned how to jump onto the counters. Yet.

What Happened?

I keep seeing ads for this show that (surprise, surprise) does NOT interest me. I see a guy who looks familiar at first glance. Then, I get a good look at him.
That's Mark Paul Gosselaar. Zack Morris to those of you in my age bracket.
Judging by his long locks, he wants to prove he's not the fun-loving, scheming hottie from Bayside. He's a hot shot lawyer on TV now. Didn't buy him as a cop on NYPD Blue. Didn't buy him as some weird movie guy on John From Cincinnati. Unless he's pulling a fast one on Mr. Belding, I'm just not interested.