Someone Tell Me What This Means

I was a little excited to see a special edition of People magazine in my mailbox the other day. It was all about being "gorgeous at any age." Now, I'm not crazy enough to think I could ever compare to the actresses and models (who can afford any cream, serum or injectable to keep their youth). But I found myself flipping through the pages "OOOHing" and "AAHing" at how some of the stars I think I've watched my whole life have not aged - except in the hand area.

Then, I saw this.

At first, I was all "Why is Christina Aguilera sleeping in an ad?" Then, I looked a little closer and noticed a few things.

1. That is not Christina Aguilera.
2. No lady is using black sheets.
3. "The preferred bedding of professional athletes and celebrities."
4. Performance sheets? WTF does that even mean?

How do I know that's not Christina Aguilera? Because I'm pretty sure if it was her, she'd be holding a microphone to remind you that she sings. Loudly.

It's true that ladies don't buy black sheets. Those are reserved for gigolos. And maybe porn stars. But mostly gigolos.

I went to the Sheex (super lame) website to find out why athletes and celebrities would like these. I found this video.

Does that look like anyone you know? If there really are famous people who love these sheets, they'd gladly take money to roll around in them for a commercial or ad. I mean, when you can't even get a Kardashian to pimp your product, why would I even think this is even remotely true?

Now, as for that "performance" business, descriptions like "transfers body heat" and "moisture wicking" and "breathability" sound more like workout attire than bedding. Or like they secretly have Viagra or something in these. That's why I don't believe anybody who doesn't make a living in bed is buying these. Not that there's anything wrong with that - oldest profession and all. Wait. I just realized maybe Lance Armstrong or Barry Bonds should endorse these. That way, they can claim the sheets were the only thing that gave them an edge in their respective games.

And why can't I find a thread count listed anywhere on their website? Are these disposable? Maybe if I went in a store and could get a feel of them I'd reconsider. Now I sound like a creeper.

Forget it. I'll stick with my high thread count sheets. They never disappoint.