Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Put Down Your Credit Card

I have seen a few more things that you should really think hard about before you consider buying them. Allow me to make the case against spending on these things.

Wrangler Strangler Jeans

This ad played in Australia. For. Real. These jeans are called "stranglers." They're the pants a dominatrix might call sexy. Now, fellas, if you have to go through this much adjusting to put on your pants, they're too tight. And if they're that difficult to put on, think how much of a challenge they'll be if you need to get them off! I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure it can't be good to have all your business crammed into those.

Diesel Jogg Jeans
From a distance, these look like jeans. But take a closer look at this picture. They're the opposite of the Wrangler jeans I just mentioned.

That's a drawstring at the waist. So, why not just wear comfortable (not super tight) jeans? And why trick people into thinking you're wearing jeans if they're really more like sweatpants?

If you were hoping to get your spare tire into these, you have your work cut out for you. I couldn't spot them on Diesel's site.

Inappropriate Toys
The folks at Cracked stumbled on a whole bunch of toy-type things that are aimed at kids, but clearly not meant for them.

Those things to the left? Those are Bratz "Babyz Twiins." Think doe-eyed dwarfs aren't creepy enough, then just put them in lingerie! If that picture doesn't weird you out, check out this commercial. And don't even get me started on all the misspellings in the names of these mini-hookers!

If you're a parent and you're buying these for your child under the age of 18 (at which these become a silly gag gift and not something for them to play with), I will totally call Child Protective Services on you because you are clearly trying to either turn your child into a prostitute or encourage him to start spending money on scantily clad ladies before he has the income to make it rain at a strip club. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Fart-Filtering Panties
Well, if this doesn't get perverts to find my blog, I don't know what will!

Shreddies have two different marketing pegs. One under "gift" includes a picture of a soccer player who allegedly wears these. The other section of their site is "health care." While they try to make it look sexy, the description of these garments just sound like they're nothing more than an adult diaper.

And can we talk about that ad? I'm pretty sure if you're in that position and you fart, people will understand - even expect it to happen. I think the more appropriate ad would include a beer-bellied guy eating a bowl full of beans surrounded by people who don't have a look of fear on their face (definitely no clothes pins on the nose as that's painful and hard to keep in place for more than half a second).

If you buy these, I appreciate your effort to keep your issues to yourself - and I'm not just talking about your gas. I seriously don't need to know that you're wearing these because all I'll be thinking about is if you just farted. I don't want to start looking at you or anyone like that. Ever.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

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