Tuesday, May 10, 2011

More Dumb Things

I can only assume someone is buying these dumb things - how else do they get the money to advertise? If you've spent money on these things, please let me know. I will totally judge you, then help you avoid making these dumb mistakes.

Abstinence Clothing
I am sure moms think this is a fine idea. Clothing with sayings like "What would your mother do?" and "Dream On" and "Zip It." The site is full of things aimed at getting kids not to have sex.

But, take a look at the model's face. Even she seems to be saying, "Come on, Mom! this is NEVER going to work."

Besides, it's not like sexed-up teens are going to keep their clothes on for very long.

Parents, if you want to keep your kids from having sex, I wish you luck. But I also think you're better off having a few REAL conversations with them. Maybe take them to meet some actual teen moms - not the ones from the TV show. They get instant fame and a big paycheck. Or, take them to a doctor who can explain all the dirty details about STDs. Since I only parent furry kids, I am not exactly qualified to give parental advice. However, since I was once a kid, I fully understand kids are not going to seriously wear these clothes and heed their advice. Your words will do more than whatever is written on a pair of boy shorts. Trust me.

College Degree From The Internet
It's not that I don't support higher education. But when you're considering a school that needs this to get you hooked...

you should reconsider.

I am sure they offer classes (hopefully some that at least resemble actually college courses - not something like "Dissecting Lady Gaga Costumes"). But are they real credits? You know, the kind recognized by actual colleges and universities? Probably not. And whatever you do, don't take their advice. Contact a legitimate school to find out. These people just want your money. Here's what I think this whole program is like: I was once in Mexico and there was this guy peddling baby chicks that had been dyed pink, green and blue. He was selling them for $5. A friend asked if he could take them across the border. The guy said, "Of course!" I suggested he should think about that. And my gut was right. When we came back to the US, I asked the border agent and was told you cannot bring live animals into the country. Sure, it was just five bucks, but the idea of that poor chick, which either would have died or grown into a not-cute chicken, makes me sad. It's how I'll feel when you dish out thousands of dollars for one of these fake schools and still can't get a job that pays more than minimum wage.

Shake Weight Workout Video
Oh, friends. This is, like, ten kinds of wrong.

I don't doubt that tensing your muscles while holding a weight can eventually lead to arms like this lady's. But there is nothing about this whole deal that does not look like soft-core porn. From the way the weight is held, to steps to the music - it's just dirty.

Side note: I recently received an email from someone complaining about the weight. Turns out, this person sent it back because it didn't shake. Clearly, this person isn't smart enough for the planet. But I really wanted to respond with the following:
Dear Dummy,
This weight does not shake on its own. You must get it started. If you were hoping to hold a shaking weight and not have to do just a little bit of work, I'd like to ask you to help my cousin. She's a princess in Africa and needs to move her money out of the country. Could you loan her $100,000 dollars? She'll pay you back with 30% interest. She's totally good for it.
Friends, I ask you to give some serious thought before you spend money on things like these. Or maybe I should make t-shirts asking, "What Would Nicole Do?" You'd buy that, right?

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