Sunday, May 8, 2011

My Big, Lame Life

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that I'm pretty lame.

Are you still reading this? It could make you lame by association. If you're going to see where this ends, I applaud you. Full on applause - not a little golf clap.

You see, it's been a while since I did more than point out random objects for sale, license plates or review a book. So we're due for a checkup. And here comes the lame...

All week, I've had spotty internet service in my home. It would be fine if I was just looking at Perez Hilton in my off time, but I do actually work at home sometimes. By Saturday morning, I had enough. I decided to call AT&T. I put it off because when I've called them in the past, my connection problems have never been solved in less than an hour. But I was up early (not by choice, but that's another story), so I figured I had the time. I couldn't find an old bill and since I couldn't use my computer to look up a number, I turned to my phone. I dialed three numbers before I started automated Hell.

Look, I'm sure big companies think this automated business is helpful. It can be - when you're not in the mood to talk to a live human being. I don't even care what country the call taker is in. I just want a real, live body. After going through the automated system, and hearing "I'm sorry. Did you say..." a few times, I started shouting, "OPERATOR!" until the machine said it would direct me to a technician AFTER a few more questions. I got a woman, who asked for my number in case we were disconnected. Then, WHAM! Disconnected. I waited five minutes and didn't get a returned call. I picked up my cell phone. I had closed the browser and totally forgot about that redial button on my phone. I looked up the number again, then went through the automated system, shouting "OPERATOR!" again and then answering more questions again before I got a real person. The second tech asked for my number in case we were disconnected. I asked if he was really going to call me back because the first tech had not and he said he would. Then, click. Disconnected again. Now, I was REALLY annoyed.

So, I called a third time. My brief answers to the machine were ragey. And by the time I reached the third tech, I quickly said, "Hi, Leonard. I have two things to say. One: I hope you can help me because I'm really frustrated. Two: I hope that unlike the two previous techs I spoke with this morning, if we're disconnected you'll actually call me back." He promised he would. Then, for the next 69 and a half minutes (truth), "Leonard," (his name choice, not mine) proceeded to walk me through five kajillion steps (possible exaggeration) to restore my internet connection.

When I wasn't crawling around on the floor, disconnecting cables from my modem, router and computer or resetting my password on my internet setup (which, by the way, I have already forgotten), I started thinking about what a really lame movie my life would make. Here's my pitch in 140 characters or less:
Think about all the ladies who would see this!

The story: sad girl believes the genuinely nice tech walking her from the non-internet world to the fully-connected universe could be Mr. Right. She packs a bag, flies to India and tracks down her tech. Sadly, the girl is crushed to learn the guy really likes working for $10 a day and helping people. He knows he couldn't get a job doing that anywhere else. This leaves the girl with two choices:

  1. Go home without her man.
  2. Stay in India for "love."
No matter what she chooses she won't be happy. Why? Because she realizes the guy she really loves was her third grade boyfriend who happens to look a lot like Brad Pitt. And she knows this because he friended her on Facebook. It's not the kind of movie that I would see, but I know plenty of ladies who would drop everything for this.

HELLO, HOLLYWOOD! Are you out there? This thing is gold! Call me!
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